


The Days We Remember

by Elsey



Series: Life of Castiel James Novak [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Child Death, Dean and Cas separated, Description of character death, Descriptions of car accidents, Disability, Emotional Trauma, F/F, F/M, Father!Cas, Father!Dean, Father!Gabe, Future Character Death, Future anxiety, Future emotional trauma, Future gore, Future grieving, Future severe depression, Grief, LET ME REPEAT: CHARACTER. DEATH., M/M, Marital Problems, Nightmares, No romance until later, PROBABLY A SHIT TON OF TRIGGERS, Panic Attacks, Part Two, Past Issues, Premature Birth, Suicidal Tendencies, Triggers galore, Uncle!Cas, Unsure about ending, attempted suicide, but seriously, cannot name triggers, emotional breakdown, fuck it man everything is shit and if you want something happy this ain't it, future violence, if you have severe triggers, more fucking death, pill consumption, please read the tags, read carefully, read the tags, seriously, teacher!Cas, they're probably in this story, will spoil story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-02-06 02:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 28
Words: 137,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1841293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsey/pseuds/Elsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Mr. Winchester, Mr. Winchester!” Jay called, waving her hands in the air. The kid was certainly a shit disturber.</p><p>“Jay? Hey, kiddo!” the man said, Castiel looking away as the man approached, hoping to God he wouldn’t be who Castiel thought he was.</p><p>“Ben? Who’s this?” he asked.</p><p>“New teacher,” Ben grumbled.</p><p>“His name is Mr. Novak!” Jay shouted excitedly. There was a beat of dead silence, neither of the men speaking a single word.</p><p>“Mr. Novak?” he asked. Castiel didn’t turn his head. He knew that voice. He had tried desperately to block it out, but it was there. Deeper, but there. Castiel swallowed loudly, finally looking over, blue eyes meeting green for the first time in over a decade. He was there. Older, but there. Gruffer, but there. More tired, but most definitely there.</p><p>It was undoubtedly Dean Winchester, standing before him with as shocked a look as Castiel’s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place thirteen years after the final chapter of part one, when Castiel thought he would never see Dean again. I'm not making any promises here, but so far, this seems like it will have an EVENTUAL happy ending. I'm looking at anywhere from 20-30 chapters for part two. The character death is NOT Dean or Cas. There will be warnings in chapters that may contain triggers to some people. 
> 
> This will NOT have a dramatic character behavioural flip like the last part did. Dean WILL NOT be a complete asshole. Dean DOES realize he was a douche nozzle, and Cas has come to terms as to why Dean was a prick.
> 
> If you didn't like the last part, you probably won't like the later chapters of this one. If you want to give it a try, all the power to you, but this is your warning.
> 
> This MAY be able to be read as a stand-alone fic, but it will make much more sense if you've read the other fifteen chapters.
> 
> This will be updated every Tuesday and Friday.
> 
> That's all, guys, sorry, for the long intro!

**September 6, 2005**

 

Castiel woke up with a groan. He rolled over, fumbling with the alarm clock beside his bed, and when he finally managed to hit it, he laid there, unsure of exactly what to do. Finally, he sighed, using his arms to sit himself up and shake out his wild hair. Swinging his legs over the bed, Castiel turned to glare at the clock that blinked 5:45 at him, hating that he needed to drive half an hour just to get to work. Castiel flicked on the beside lamp, groaning as the light filled the room; why had he purchased the brightest possible one? Finally managing to stand, Castiel steadied himself against the side table, getting tripped up in the blanket that had fallen to the ground. Castiel crossed the room, stopping at his calendar and looking at the circled date.

That’s right. It was the first day of school.

Castiel swallowed the panic that billowed up in his mind at the thought, shaking his head and stripping out of his pyjama pants and t shirt, hoping that a quick, hot shower would put his mind at ease.

It wasn’t that Castiel was afraid of the prospect of teaching, or even the students; he had done this a hundred times, for God’s sake. It was that this was a new school in a new area, and he had no connections whatsoever. Sioux Falls Public School was foreign ground, and Castiel was determined to make a good impression on the group of third graders he was meeting in less than three hours. During the summer, his previous school in Vermillion had been demolished, so he was transferred to this newer one. He spent plenty of time getting to know the teachers that were there, and had been pleasantly surprised when he met Gilda Meeks, finding out that she was Charlie Bradbury’s partner. He hadn’t seen Charlie since they went their separate ways after they got their bachelor’s, and he had plans with Gilda to surprise Charlie sometime in the coming months.

Aside from Gilda, there was no one that Castiel knew. He found himself feeling as if he could be close with a few of his co-workers, such as the kindergarten teacher, Cassie, or perhaps the attractive eighth grade teacher, Mr. Walker, who Castiel didn’t know the first name of, but saw it started with a ‘G’ on his door. There was also the crazy computer teacher, whose last name he had never learned, but had been told to call the man Ash. Castiel took an instant liking to his bubbly personality and constant movement, thinking he would do better with a more hands on job than computers, but he wasn’t complaining.

Shaking aside the thoughts of summer introductions, Castiel realized he had been in the shower longer than he intended. He quickly turned off the nozzles and stepped out, towelling himself off. He threw on a fresh pair of boxers and scrambled to get into his suit, his tie messy like always. It was only quarter after six, but Castiel wanted to get to the school bright and early, just in case there were some parents stopping in to speak with him. He knew that a couple of the children had learning disabilities, and while he was planning on setting up appointments with the parents of them anyway, he learned from his past jobs that the first day was also the day he met a lot of parents.

Castiel straightened his tie without bothering to look in the mirror and left his bedroom. He stopped in the hallway to pet Leviathan. How that cat was still alive at twenty years old, Castiel hadn’t a clue. He was curled up on the first step, and the blue eyed man nearly fell down the stairs trying to avoid him. He heard a yowling and rolled his eyes, reaching the bottom of the stairs to find Vera, the stray he had brought in, prancing around her food bowl and demanding sustenance. Castiel scooped the food in quickly and scratched the cat’s head as she purred. He turned to the fridge, opening it to produce a carton of eggs. Castiel cooked them hurriedly and ate them while they were still hot, soon regretting the decision when they burned his mouth. Hopping up from his seat, Castiel threw the dish into the sink and moved to the living room to grab his briefcase that was currently full of lesson plans. This school was strange, and he had yet to receive the actual names of his students. He had the number and was aware that two would be needing extra help, but he hadn’t seen a single surname so far. Castiel felt excitement rising in him rather than panic at the prospect of meeting the little guys. He was on duty in the yard until the bell rang, starting at eight, half an hour until the bell rang, and he knew he would love meeting his students out there, hopefully able to put some faces to the names he would receive that morning.

With a final goodbye to his cats, Castiel left the house, throwing his briefcase in the backseat of the car and getting into the driver’s side. He popped in a CD at random, and frowned when he realized it was one from Gabriel, some band called ‘Motorhead’. Castiel quickly changed it to the radio as he backed out of the driveway.

Half an hour later, Castiel cut the engine to the car, the distant sounds of ‘Bach’ being stopped abruptly. He reached around into the back seat, pulling his briefcase out and scrambling to the door. It was seven in the morning, and the parking lot was bare. Castiel entered the school, saw that the office was empty, and ducked into the teacher’s lounge, making a beeline for the teacher’s mailboxes.

“Hey, you’re the new guy, right? Novak, isn’t it?” Castiel heard from behind him, stopping in his tracks and turning on his heel towards the table. It was the eighth grade teacher, Walker. Smiling, he stood, hand outstretched towards Castiel. He took the hand, shaking it quickly.

“Yeah, I’m Jim,” Castiel said with a smile.

“Jim? I thought it was a C on your door?” Castiel groaned internally.

“It’s a long story. I told them to put the J, but I guess they preferred my given name.” Walker nodded.

“Well, Jim, I’m Gordon-” That was all Castiel heard. He could feel his ears closing and his heart thump faster. _Stop it! What is a student has that name? Get some control, already!_

“Sorry, could you repeat that?” Castiel asked, shaking his head.

“I was just saying welcome,” Gordon said, shooting Castiel a cold smile. He was damn attractive, but Castiel found him to be creepy as fuck.

“Thanks, Gordon. I’ll see you around; I better head upstairs,” Castiel said, smiling lightly as he grabbed a binder with his attendance in it. At least that was the same; apparently, like his other school, this one put attendance charts in the night before class. Castiel closed the door to the lounge softly behind himself, waving nervously at a janitor as he climbed the three flights of stairs to reach his classroom. Damn Victorian era schools; these stairs would be the death of him. At least it was a decent workout.

Castiel unlocked the door, opening it and walking over to his desk. He grinned, opening the hood to the fish tank he had bought and sprinkling in some food for the resident Betta. The little guy had five gallons all to himself, and Castiel hoped the kids would find him as great as he had for the past few years. Castiel sat his briefcase down, pulling out the few papers that were inside. He needed to make copies for the colouring activity he had, as well as the name games and a test to see how well the kids could cursive write thus far. Sighing, Castiel realized he would have to tackle the stairs again to get to the copying machine. He stopped, remembering the folder on his desk full of kid’s names. He flipped open the red binder, grinning to himself as he read through. Twenty five students, he saw happily.

“Emily Trevors, Daniel VanDucen, and… No, this isn’t right. This can’t be right. Ben Winchester? That… that just isn’t right,” Castiel said to himself, frowning . He read the name over again and again. It had been a decade since he’d heard of or thought about the name Winchester. He had pushed the name of the rifle right out of his mind, and had been living quite happily ever since. But now, here it was again. Winchester. Ben Winchester. In Sioux Falls. Castiel closed his eyes with a sigh. This was a coincidence. A huge coincidence. There was no relationship to him. Castiel hadn’t thought his name in years, and he wasn’t about to get worked up over now, especially since there was probably no chance in hell that Ben had any association with _that man_. Castiel closed the folder quickly, throwing it across his desk. He blew out a breath, trying to look at anything and everything to keep his mind off of the dark place it was headed.

Castiel smiled as he picked up a framed picture of himself holding two tan skinned toddlers in his arms, all of them covered in cake and smiling happily. He next looked at one of Gabriel, Kali and the same boys, Gabriel with his signature trickster’s grin as he held his twin boys close. Then there was himself and Anna, little Danielle between them. There was a small corkboard beside his desk that he had also put pictures on. Leviathan and Vera looked at him as well as his mother with his two deceased dogs. A picture of Gabe with his arms raised triumphantly while Castiel glared at his brother from the lake. And, of course, his favourite picture; himself with Gabriel, Anna, Lucifer, Michael, Balthazar, Samandriel, Uriel, Raphael, Hannah, Rachel and Hael. So many of his sibling couldn’t or wouldn’t join them, but those who did had a wonderful time at their family meet and greet, and they had been getting together ever since. Last year, Castiel had met Ezekiel and Gadreel, as well as Bartholomew and Naomi.

Castiel pushed away from his desk, having completely forgotten about the name of the boy on his attendance list. He grabbed the papers that needed to have copies made, and headed for the stairs once more.

………..

With only ten minutes to go until he needed to be outside to relieve one of the other people on early morning yard duty, Castiel bit the bullet and went into the main office.

“Good morning, Mr. Novak, how can I help you?” the secretary, Mrs. Jones, asked Castiel.

“Hello, I was just wondering if I could confirm the name of one of my students- Benjamin Winchester. Is that last name correct?” Castiel asked. She smiled.

“Just one minute, I’ll check the file,” she said. Castiel knew Mrs. Jones was also new, so she wouldn’t know all of the students either. “Yes, it’s right here. Third grade, according to his file. And the name is correct, Benjamin Isaac Winchester. Oh, his sister also attends, she’s in the seventh grade.” Castiel’s stomach dropped.

“What’s her name?” he asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

“It says here that her name is Emma, middle name Mary. Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. Novak?” she asked.

“No, thank you so much,” Castiel replied, mouth dry as cotton. He turned and left the office, head swimming.

Castiel wandered the halls aimlessly for the next ten minutes before he put on a little tag that identified him as a teacher and headed outside. The buses were just pulling up, as well as a few cars with parents and children pouring out. There were screaming kindergartners and excited first graders and eighth graders that looked completely done with all this shit. Castiel stood awkwardly, not entirely sure what the usual regime was in the morning at this place. He smiled and nodded at passing children, and soon found someone pulling at his jacket.

“Who’re you?” a little girl with a mop of black curls asked.

“I’m Mr. Novak, I just started here,” he told her. She nodded.

“My name’s Jay. Can I hold your hand?” she asked, sticking her hand, which had rings on every finger, towards his own. Castiel smiled warmly at her, taking the small hand in his own.

“What’s your full name, Jay?” he questioned, wondering whether the girl was in his class.

“Jayda Michaels,” she replied promptly.

“Well, Jay, it looks like you’ll be in my class this year,” Castiel informed her. Her entire face brightened and she let go of his hand, bouncing up and down.

“I knew it, I knew it! I told daddy and Ben it was you! I knew it!” she squealed ecstatically, disappearing behind a crowd of older children.

“O…kay?” Castiel muttered to himself, shrugging and monitoring the other kids closely. When he turned in the direction that Jay had disappeared, he saw her again, tugging the hand of a young boy with dark brown hair and an ACDC shirt towards him. Castiel cocked an eyebrow as she dragged the boy closer.

“I told you, Ben! See! He’s the new teacher!” she exclaimed triumphantly. Castiel could feel his heart hammering wildly.

“Hello, you must be Ben,” Castiel said, his lips curling into a hysteric smile. Ben nodded.

“Who’re you?” he asked suspiciously.

“Mr. Novak, your teacher.”

“Okay. Jay, can we go?” Ben asked, looking over at his friend.

“Ben! Ben, where’d you go?” Castiel heard, his head snapping up and away from his two students.

_No, no, no._

“Excuse me a moment, kids,” Castiel said, trying to turn around.

“Wait, Mr. Novak, here comes Mr. Winchester, you should meet him!” Jay exclaimed. She grabbed onto Castiel’s hand, stopping him from moving away.

“I- I suppose,” Castiel stuttered out. He could feel something prickling at the back of his neck, screaming at him to run away and never look back, to not learn the truth that he knew was coming.

“Mr. Winchester, Mr. Winchester!” Jay called, waving her hands in the air. The kid was certainly a shit disturber.

“Jay? Hey, kiddo!” the man said, Castiel looking away as the man approached, hoping to God he wouldn’t be who Castiel thought he was.

“Ben? Who’s this?” he asked.

“New teacher,” Ben grumbled.

“His name is Mr. Novak!” Jay shouted excitedly. There was a beat of dead silence, neither of the men speaking a single word.

“Mr. Novak?” he asked. Castiel didn’t turn his head. He knew that voice. He had tried desperately to block it out, but it was there. Deeper, but there. Castiel swallowed loudly, finally looking over, blue eyes meeting green for the first time in over a decade. He was there. Older, but there. Gruffer, but there. More tired, but most definitely _there_.

It was undoubtedly Dean Winchester, standing before him with as shocked a look as Castiel’s.

“Mr. Winchester,” Castiel replied, voice hoarse.

“Dad?” Ben asked.

“Ben, take Jay and go see your sister,” Dean instructed.

“But dad-”

“Now, Ben!” Dean snapped. The boy rolled his eyes and, taking Jay’s hand, pulled her away as she waved at the two adults.

“Hello Dean,” Castiel mumbled numbly. Dean had a hand on the back of his neck. Castiel couldn’t help but look him up and down with a flick of his eyes. He was wearing faded blue jeans and a Led Zeppelin t shirt, most likely for work. Some things never changed. He looked scared shitless as well as well as angry, and he wasn’t sure either of them really knew how to react.

“Hey, Cas,” he finally responded, swallowing hard.

“Been a while,” Castiel muttered, settling his eyes on Dean’s at long last.

“Yeah, it’s been, what, twelve years?”

“Thirteen,” Castiel corrected. Dean nodded. Suddenly, a girl with blond hair was striding towards them, stopping and eyeing Castiel warily before going over to Dean.

“Dad, can I have five bucks for lunch?” she asked promptly. “Dad?” Dean was fixated on Castiel, and Castiel was stuck staring at Emma. There she was, all grown up.

“What? Oh, sure, here,” Dean said, digging into his pocket and giving her a bill. She gave him a quick hug before disappearing.

“The dad jeans look good on you,” Castiel told him, trying to lighten the mood. Dean chuckled.

“Yeah, well, not like I have many choices nowadays,” he mumbled.

“Look-”

“Don’t… don’t say it, Cas. Please,” Dean said, eyes looking pained.

“We were dumb kids, Dean,” Castiel said softly.

“Some of us still are,” Dean joked. Castiel smiled softly.

“I would really like to maybe… catch up sometime?”

“Lisa wouldn’t really like that,” Dean replied. Castiel’s lips melted into a thin line. He was still with Lisa. Of course. They were probably married now, too.

“I understand,” Castiel said. He turned his head when he heard shouting. “Excuse me a minute.” Castiel turned, jogging towards the sound of struggle. There was a little boy with glasses sitting on the ground, nearly in tears, with two older boys above him, taunting him with an action figure.

“You want it?” one teased.

“Come get it, shithead!” the other yelled.

“Hey!” Castiel barked, coming over to the slide and away from the students that were still trickling in. The boys dropped the toy and ran. Castiel memorized their faces, promising himself he’d be getting them later. He dropped to his knee, looking at the small boy with skinny arms, who was pushing his glasses up and sniffling while grabbing for his toy. Castiel handed it to him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

“Are you okay?” Castiel asked, standing him up carefully.

“Timmy? Hey, you all right, buddy?” Castiel heard, turning to see Dean running towards them. He got down on his knees, looking the boy up and down. Timmy shook his head and lunged forwards, wrapping himself around Dean.

“No,” he cried.

“Hey, it’s fine, you’re just fine,” Dean soothed. He gave Castiel a look that said ‘Wait a minute?’ Timmy finally moved his face away from Dean, the action figure in a death grip in his hand. “Who did this?”

“No one.”

“Timmy, if you tell me you’ll be okay,” Castiel told him gently. Timmy shook his head. Dean sighed, placing the boy back on the ground. He held onto Dean’s hand for dear life.

“Can I go play?” Timmy asked quietly. Castiel looked around and didn’t see the bullies. He nodded at Dean.

“Sure, kiddo, but keep close to me or Ben or Emma, okay?” Timmy nodded and ran off, tripping and falling in the process, getting snickers from some of the older students. Dean watched with a worried crease in his brow.

“So three then?” Castiel asked.

“What? Oh, no. Emma, she’s… you know. And Ben is four years younger. But Timmy’s a foster kid, we’re looking to adopt him, though,” Dean admitted. Castiel nodded.

“Very kind of you to take him in.”

“Yeah, he’s actually a year older than Ben, but you wouldn’t be able to tell by the look of him. Poor kid’s had a bad enough life already.”

“I’ll be sure to keep an eye on him.”

“Thanks, Cas. And, uh, about catching up. Maybe- maybe some other time, we could… but I think Lisa should know. Is that okay with you?” Dean asked, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck again. Castiel smiled lightly.

“Of course, Dean. I… I would really like to know of your life. Let me know, okay?”

“See you then,” Dean replied, waving and jogging towards Ben and Timmy. He gave both of the boys a hug before leaving for the front of the school. The bell rang, and Castiel moved over to where his students lined up with a final wave to Dean. He could feel his heart pounding a mile a minute in his chest. What had just happened? Wasn’t he supposed to hate Dean? Honestly, thirteen years of solitude had really done nothing but diminish his hatred, and he couldn’t seem to pull the fire back up again. Castiel smiled to himself. Dean was happy, just as Castiel had wanted. Dean had the family he always wanted, and his life was good. Castiel was alone, but that was okay; he really didn’t mind it.

………..

“Gabriel, what the hell are you doing here?” Castiel asked, opening the door and finding his brother standing there, one toddler clinging to each leg. His eyes had bags under them and his hair was sticking up in all directions. Gabriel shuffled in with the kids screaming in delight at the fact that their dad wasn’t kicking them off.

“Kali’s out of the country for a week. I’m alone with the devil spawn.”

“Payback’s a bitch,” Castiel chuckled.

“Cassie. Please. You gotta help me,” Gabriel begged, gesturing to his legs. He and Kali had decided to settle in Sioux Falls, surprisingly enough, and Gabriel had opened his own candy shop while Kali stuck to corporate business, which made her leave the country quite often. The twins had been a total surprise, and neither wanted kids, but once they held the boys in their arms, it was love at first touch.

“Peter, Aaron, if you let go of dad, you can play with Vera,” Castiel told them, gesturing towards the kitchen. The boy’s eyes lit up, and the two three year olds unlatched themselves from their father and sprinted into the kitchen. Castiel chuckled to himself, but soon found himself brooding.

“Hello? Earth to Cassie! You okay, man?” Gabriel asked, running a hand down his face to try and clear away the sleep Castiel knew he wasn’t getting.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. Just… school, is all,” Castiel replied. Gabriel cocked an eyebrow.

“Look, I need to watch the little demons, but you need to spill, I know school isn’t your main problem,” Gabriel retorted. They moved into the kitchen, where the twins were gently petting Vera. For energetic little kids, they were certainly kind towards animals. Castiel and Gabriel both plopped into chairs at the table, Castiel wringing his hands nervously. “Cassie? You okay?”

“There’s a boy in my class.”

“Call the president!”

“Don’t be a douche.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

“His name is Ben. Ben Winchester.” Gabriel was quiet.

“And?” he asked.

“And exactly how many Winchesters do you know?”

“Just because-”

“He was there, Gabe. With his kids. Two are his, one’s adopted. Gabe. His son is in my fucking class.” Gabriel was quiet for the first time in a long time.

“Are you okay?”

“I- I don’t know,” Castiel told him, running his hands through his already crazy hair. “I don’t know how I feel about this. He was _it_ , Gabe, and now… Now he’s back, with this big, happy family, and-”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down! Look, you just need to deal with the kid, not him, okay?”

“Yeah, I know, but…”

“But?”

“But Gabe, what if I _want_ to deal with him?”

“Cas,” Gabriel groaned.

“Not like that! I’m over him. I’ve forgiven him. It’s been thirteen years for crying out loud. I’m just… curious. I want to know how he spent these years. I want to know that I really did make the right decision.”

“This isn’t healthy- Peter! It’s a cat, not a toy truck, and she’ll scratch you! Anyway. It isn’t healthy to start up an obsession with him.”

“There isn’t an obsession. Just a curiousity.”

“This motherfucker ripped your heart out of your body and served it to you on a platter. He deserves no redemption, Cassie.”

“That was thirteen years ago!”

“And this is now! You need to stay as far away from him as possible!”

“You’re right. I’m stupid. God, am I stupid. Why would I even entertain that thought? Jesus.”

“Hey, hey, you’re not stupid. Just remember that he won’t change, okay? He’ll leave you again, friends or more, if a better option comes along. What I told you all those years ago, all those questions, and you saying you just want him happy? Is it still the same?”

“Of course.”

“Then you need to realize you can never be happy with him, and he can never be happy with you. Okay?”

“I understand, Gabriel.”

“Good.”

“It was a ridiculous thought, I haven’t a clue as to why it came to my mind. I just need to leave it where it is, as a parent-teacher relationship.”

“Exactly. Aaron! Drop the toy! Seriously!”

“They’re just like you,” Castiel said with a grin.

“Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up.”

“Gabriel?”

“What?”

“Thanks for talking some sense into me.”

“What else am I here for?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After thirteen years, Dean Winchester has seen Castiel Novak, the man he left for his wife, Lisa, at his son's school. How is he supposed to react to this kind of thing? How is going to redeem himself to the man?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's reaction to seeing Castiel. The storyline will further advance in the next chapter. There isn't much going on here, other than a glimpse into Dean's life and past, and some inner monologue about Cas.
> 
> Dean's view will rarely be seen, this is not going to be a common occurrence where an entire chapter is solely Dean.
> 
> Ugh. I just realized I made some small mistakes. Minor, nothing to do with the story at all, just some screwy ages and mention of the forgotten phone call. Sorry to those who have already read!

_Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Fucking fuck me. Holy_ shit _!_

That was Cas. Castiel fucking Novak. Dean scrambled back to the gates of the school, tripping over his own feet when the bell rang, startled. He had been relatively calm when he saw Cas, and he had kept his cool when speaking to him. It was like being in a dream. At first, he hadn’t actually believed it was him. Dean had told himself when he first saw the man that lots of people had a strong jawline and black hair. But then. Mr. Novak. Dean had known. And now he was panicking. Cas was Ben’s _teacher_. How was Dean supposed to deal with this? Thirteen years with Lisa, with his life finally together, and now… now that blue eyed man had just waltzed right back in! Dean slid into the Impala, the creak of the door the only thing that was keeping him sane. He took a deep breath, sliding his hands over the steering wheel and closing his eyes. Dean had a million thoughts speeding through his mind, and he didn’t even know how to begin to organize them. He shook his head violently, deciding to say fuck it and just get to work. He didn’t need this shit. Dean put the key in the ignition, put the car in gear, and peeled out of the parking lot, putting on ACDC as loud as he could manage it, head banging to the familiar music and forcing every thought out of his head.

Halfway back to the house, Dean slammed on the brakes, pulling over. He clicked off the music. The familiar rumble of the engine surrounded him as Dean was white-knuckling the steering wheel, eyes wide. He had agreed to catch up with Cas sometime. Holy shit, he had _agreed to catching up with Cas sometime_. How the fuck was he supposed to do that? How fucking _awkward_ was that going to be? What if Cas was with someone? Hell, what if he had a kid? Dean ran his hands through his hair and sank back in his seat. _Calm down, Winchester, it’s not like it’s any of your goddam business anyway_ , Dean thought to himself. He took yet another deep breath, putting the music back on and jumping in his seat at the loudness of it. Dean still didn’t lower it, though, just driving away from the side of the road. He arrived back at the house later than he had expected himself to. He was all over the place as he put the car in park, looking up at the fresh paint job he had put on the house a few months back.

After living with Bobby for a year, Dean and Lisa had gotten a small apartment with baby Emma. They lived there for another six years, even with little Ben, the two having to share a room. Dean still worked at the auto shop, practically running the place, and Lisa had finished school, getting accepted at a job at an ad agency in Sioux Falls. Yet, they remained in that same apartment. At the six year mark of living in what Dean called ‘The shithole’, Bobby married Jody Mills, and she somehow convinced him to move into her house. Bobby offered the big old house to Dean, and he gratefully accepted. Lisa had been nervous, since it seemed to be falling apart, but Dean fixed it up nicely, and it was liveable by the time they moved in. Bobby still owned the shop, but Dean did nearly everything in there, from fixing cars to office work. Of course, he had the help of Jo, when she could get time off from the Roadhouse, as well as, surprisingly enough, Adam, Rufus, and good old Hendrickson.

Dean was brought back to reality by his half-brother, who was tapping away on the window. Dean took the keys out of the ignition and stepped out of the car.

“Hey, man, you okay?” Adam asked cautiously. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” A bubble of laughter rose from Dean’s throat. Humourless, hysterical laughter. That was exactly what he had seen.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry kid, just fine,” Dean told him, shaking his head. “Hey, let Rufus know I’ll be just a little late, okay? I have a call to make.” Adam shrugged.

“Whatever. See you in a few,” Adam called over his shoulder as he jogged over to the shop. Dean rubbed the back of his neck as he moved inside. He looked over his shoulder as Adam ran. Thank God there were a shit ton of bedrooms in this house. Adam had moved out from his mom’s two years ago and had been crashing with Dean and Lisa ever since, refusing to stay with John. After Timmy had moved into Adam’s room, Adam had been forced to sleep in a small room in the basement, but Dean didn’t think he minded having two floors between himself and his niece and nephews. Shaking off the thoughts of his younger brother, Dean entered the house, moving into the kitchen and picking up the phone. He dialled the long distance number before wondering _What the hell am I doing?_ to himself. Dean realized he was shaking. The fuck?

“Hello, Sam Winchester,” he heard on the other line, pride swelling in his chest at his brother’s professionalism.

“As if you don’t have caller ID on that fancy ass cellphone of yours.”

“Dean?”

“Who else, little bro?”

“Hey! Why the hell are you calling so early?”

“Sammy. Time zones.”

“No wonder you’re awake, then.”

“As if, the kids had me up at the freaking crack of dawn.”

“Ugh, same.”

“Yeah, but for you that’s like two hours later.”

“Anyways, is there a reason you called?”

“What, a guy can’t just call and ask how his brother is? How’s little Jamie? Is he good? What about Andy?”

“Yeah, _James_ and _Andrew_ are just fine, Dean. Now, why are you calling? I need to get ready for work and help Jess with the kids. And don’t lie, I know when you’re lying.”

“I actually didn’t really know I was calling until the phone was ringing.”

“That sounds… ominous. Is everything okay with Lisa?”

“Yeah, yeah, she’s doing great. And, uh, I met Ben’s new teacher,” Dean said softly.

“That’s… good? Right? You sound weird. What’s up with the teacher?”

“Sam.”

“Do you need legal help? Did you do something to them before?”

“Sam!”

“What?”

“It’s Cas, okay? The teacher, Ben’s teacher. It’s Cas.”

“As in… ex-boyfriend, love of your life Cas?”

“Lisa’s the love of my life,” Dean grumbled.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Whatever, man.”

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. I guess that’s why I called you.”

“You want me to solve your problems? All the way from California?”

“No, no, I just… I want you to tell me what to do, man.”

“Dean, I really don’t think there’s anything _to_ do. Just… get through one super awkward parent-teacher interview halfway through the year, and be done with it.”

“Think it’ll be that easy?”

“Should it be any harder?” Dean was quiet for a moment. “Dean?”

“Naw, Sammy, you’re right, I’m just freaking for no reason, I’m fine. Get back to your family, okay? And give Andrew a kiss for me, you know how he hates kisses,” Dean chuckled. Sam snorted a laugh.

“Just like his uncle, huh?”

“Hopefully not,” Dean breathed under his breath.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing. Look, I need to head out, don’t want Adam to burn a hand off or something. I’ll talk to you later, ‘kay Sammy?”

“Of course, Dean. I’ll call you after work, sound good?”

“Yeah, man, sure. Talk to you.” Dean hung up the phone and released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Dean released the grip he had on the phone, turning to find Hendricksen behind him. Dean nearly jumped out of his skin. Sneaky ass motherfucker. “Jesus fucking Christ, Hendricksen! The fuck, man, how long have you been there?” Hendricksen shrugged, moving over to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water.

“Long enough to know you’re freaking out about something, but not enough to know what it was. Should I be concerned, Winchester?” Hendricksen asked with a raised eyebrow. Dean shook his head.

“No, it’s fine. Why are you even in her?”

“No more water at the shop,” Dean was informed. “You should really get some more.” Dean nodded, and the older man left. Dean’s heart was jack hammering. He couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened if Hendrickson had heard the entire conversation. When he was a kid, he wasn’t lying when he told Cas no one really gave a shit about people being gay anymore. It was just that now, Dean was married, to a woman, and he just wanted to forget about University. That would be much harder now, though, considering the guy he almost fucked on Christmas Eve thirteen years earlier had magically reappeared back in his life. Dean threw his hands in the air out of sheer frustration. With an annoyed noise, he picked up a case of water bottles and headed out to the garage.

………..

Dean heard the familiar sound of a van door sliding closed, and braced himself for the sound of his excited sons running in to greet him and the other mechanics. It was Monday, so Jo was in, and Emma would likely be there too, ready to tell Jo all about her first day in the seventh grade.

“Dad, dad! Look, look what I drew!” Dean heard Ben shout. He dropped to his knees, his son running towards him with a piece of paper in his hands. There was a black car in the picture with a square front and a couple of stick figures behind the wheel.

“Wow, is that us in the Impala? Ben, that’s amazing!” Dean praised, grinning like an idiot. He turned around to see ‘Well done’ and a smiley face in all too familiar hand writing, his smile quickly disappearing. “Your teacher sure marks fast.”

“He only put that on me, Jay and Emily’s.”

“I see.”

“Dean, look, I got advanced reading!” Timmy squealed, showing up to thrust a book in Dean’s hands. He turned it around, finding it to be The Giver. Dean nodded appreciatively. It wasn’t a half bad book.

“It’s a good book, you’ll really like it!” Dean told him. Timmy was a year ahead in the fifth grade, and Dean honestly thought that wasn’t high enough for the little genius. He couldn’t wait until Christmas, when Sam would return and get to meet the little guy. They’d have a blast together.

“I know, it’s already so good!”

“How far are you?”

“About halfway.”

“Jeeze, kid, save some for later!”

“But it’s really good,” Timmy said, frowning, seeming genuinely confused in Dean’s joke.

“No, no, I was kidding! Read whatever you like!” Timmy brightened, hugging his action figure to his chest. He saw looked over to see Jo lollygagging to talk with Emma, turning back to the boys and seeing Lisa come up behind them, a tired smile on her mouth. Dean stood, ruffling Ben’s hair as he walked past to greet Lisa, placing a chaste kiss on her lips and pulling her into a hug, getting an ‘EEEWWWWW!’ from all four kids, considering the fact that Jo, even though she was only a year younger than Dean, was definitely still a kid.

“You know you’re just jealous!” Dean shouted at them, getting a gag from Ben. Lisa chuckled. She looked at Dean’s face and frowned, licking her thumb and getting a stain of grease off of his forehead.

“Are you all right?” she asked? His heart jumped in his chest.

“What? Why do you ask?”

“You seem… off. I can’t explain it. Maybe I’m just going crazy,” Lisa muttered. Dean shrugged.

“I’ve got… something I need to talk with you about, but everything else is fine.”

“Good, good. Hey, did you get a chance to meet Ben’s teacher? I already know Timmy’s from when Emma had her, oh, what’s her name, Meeks? And Emma has the same teacher as last year, Mr. Walker. He’s got a split this year, seven/eight. Ugh, I’m rambling, what was I talking about? Ben’s teacher! Mr. Novak, did you meet him?” Dean swallowed hard.

“Uh, yeah. That’s actually what we need to discuss.” Lisa raised an eyebrow.

“Winchester! Singer’s on the phone, and he sounds pissed!” Rufus yelled from across the garage.

“Be right there!”

“Okay, kids, dad needs to get his hands filthy, let’s get out before someone loses an eye!” Lisa said, clapping her hands and shooing the boys out with plenty of groans. Emma left as well, with a final farewell to Jo, who was grinning as the younger girl left. Lisa nodded towards her and Jo returned it. Emma waved towards Dean, and Dean waved back as he jogged to the office.

“What’d you need me for, Rufus?” Dean asked, trying to avoid talking to Bobby for as long as possible. Dean loved the old coot, but when he was angry and Dean was already on edge, it just wasn’t a good combination.

“Like you don’t know. Just take the damn phone.” Dean rolled his eyes, gripping the plastic device tightly as he held it to his ear.

“Bobby? What is it, I was balls deep in an engine.”

“As if. Look, kid, I’m leavin’ with Jody for a few days. You good not havin’ me around?”

“Bobby, when are you even around anymore?”

“I know, I know. Look, idjit, just don’t screw up my fine establishment while I’m gone, ya hear?”

“Where are you even going?”

“Apparently she had some brother she never knew about she wants to meet. She’s freakin’ out, she never knew her daddy, and now apparently this brother is here outta nowhere. Gotta be supportive and shit,” Bobby grumbled. Dean nodded to himself.

“Well, tell her good luck from me, yeah?”

“I’ll let her know. Now, ‘git back to work. Idjit.” Bobby hung up at the same time that Dean did, and he shook his head with a small chuckle. If anyone out there could make Dean feel better about his problems, it was Bobby. Dean had Cas to worry about, but at least he wasn’t meeting a new sibling at forty three like Jody was. God, that would be a nightmare. It hit him that Cas must still have that happen quite often, but he shook off the thought. _Stop thinking about him, dammit!_ Dean yelled at himself. He shook out his hands and headed back to the garage, fully intending on losing himself in his work and not thinking about a certain third grade teacher.

Work ended at five, like it always did, and Dean was inside by six, like he always was. He was grateful that Lisa had managed to get the afternoon off to pick the kids up; he hated when they were forced to take the bus. Usually after school, Timmy would hang out in the office and read while Ben tried to force Dean to let him help out, while Emma did whatever preteen girls even do. Dean entered the house through the back door, finding Adam leaning back on the table with his feet up, a beer in his hand. He scrambled to get his dirty boots away from the tabletop when Dean entered, and the older man rolled his eyes at the weak attempt. Timmy was reading across from Adam, the book quickly growing thinner and thinner. Lisa had spaghetti and meatballs cooking. Ben came bounding down the stairs when he heard Dean enter, standing in the doorway and grinning.

“Hey, kiddo, what’s up?” Dean asked.

“Nothin’. After dinner, can we get ice cream?”

“Of course this has something to do with ice cream.”

“Ice cream?” Adam said, sitting up abruptly. “You can’t deny a kid his ice cream, Dean. That’s just unholy. You would have to be a total ass to say no to a kid getting ice cream. Dean. We really shouldn’t deny him this.”

“Calm down, calm down!” Dean laughed. Lisa rolled her eyes as she glided past Ben to yell up to Emma that dinner was ready. She came bounding down the stairs, nearly running into Dean and Ben. Dean smiled, opening his arms for a hug. Emma rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, no thanks, dad,” she said, moving past him. Dean chuckled.

“One day, Emma Winchester! One day you’ll give me a hug again!” Dean teased. She smiled.

“Maybe one day. But today is not that day.”

“Okay! Let’s get this started!” Lisa said, pouring the noodles into a colander. Ben sat down beside Timmy, who hadn’t yet looked up from his book.

Dinner was uneventful. There was happy talk of school, but conversation was quite one sided. Since it was late and Ben had stupidly thrown a meatball at Emma, there was no ice cream. Eventually, nine rolled around and all three kids were in their beds. Dean didn’t know if they were actually sleeping or not, and he really didn’t care. Adam escaped to his basement domain, and that left Lisa and Dean alone on the couch, some cheesy old movie playing on TV. He realized Sam hadn't called yet, and figured the man was too busy with his own life, which brought on thoughts of Cas, something he really didn't need.

“I need to tell you something,” Dean blurted out. Lisa shifted herself towards him, looking him up and down.

“Dean, are you okay?” she asked. He realized he was shaking. He had been holding this in not only for the entire day, but, in God’s honest truth, thirteen years. The words that spilled from his mouth had been waiting to be said for a lot longer than thirteen years, though.

“Lisa, I just, I remember when we first got together, so long ago, and when you told me about Emma, and then there was that whole gay thing, and Lisa, please, don’t hate me, but I’m bisexual, and I’ve just needed to say that to you for so long. Fuck. Fuck, I shouldn’t have-” Lisa silenced him by placing her lips on his own. She moved away, her eyes burning into his.

“I know, Dean, and what I said was really shitty. I’m sorry. I love you no matter what, okay?” She pulled him into a hug, which he returned gratefully. But the weight was still on his chest.

“There’s more.”

“Is there?”

“It’s about Ben’s teacher.”

“Yeah? What, do you have some kind of crush on him?” Lisa joked, laughing. Dean tried to laugh along, but it sounded warped, garbled, forced.

“Lisa. Lisa, stop. You need to know who it is.” She raised an eyebrow once again.

“Who is he?”

“Castiel Novak,” Dean admitted, not looking her in the eye. He saw her stiffen.

“Castiel Novak. Cas. Jim. Are you telling me that our son’s teacher is-?”

“Yeah. That’s what you needed to know. I’m sorry.”

“Dean. Are you okay?” she asked softly. Dean was taken aback. He had expected anger and distrust and hurt and pain and get Ben the fuck out of there from Lisa. Not compassion.

“What? Why do you ask?”

“I mean, you didn’t end things well… with him. You said you weren’t serious, but still, after all these years, it must just suck,” Lisa replied. Dean blew out a breath.

“No, I’m good, I just thought you ought to know.”

“But that’s it, right? Just that you wanted me to know that?”

“Yeah. Look, I’m beat. I think I need to go to bed,” Dean told her, standing. She nodded, but didn’t move to follow, which he was grateful for. Dean got to his room and closed the door softly. He sat on the bed, hands clasped in his lap. All day long, even when speaking of the man, for crying out loud, Dean hadn’t let himself think about Cas. But now. Now he needed to. Thoughts of _How the fuck is he even back?_ and _How am I supposed to deal with this?_ and _What if he really does want to catch up? What fucking then?_ Dean moaned, throwing his body back against the bed.

What Dean had done, kicking Cas out like that for Lisa, just dropping him, it had been a dick move, and Dean knew it. He had regretted and thought about it for so long, that the guilt still felt similar in the pit of his stomach for some reason.

After thirteen years, didn’t Dean at least owe the guy the time of day? Didn’t Cas at least deserve time to learn what Dean had given him up for?

In the end, Dean decided that Cas did. And that terrified the shit out of him, because all he could think was

_What now?_

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night with Gabriel in his house, Castiel finally manages to leave for work, covered in fresh bruises and grumbling. When he gets to the school, he has a much less relaxing morning than usual at the arrival of a familiar someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is being posted less than an hour before Tuesday, because I'm working all day tomorrow (yay for overtime on Canada day!) and I need to hit the hay. I won't have time to post tomorrow (yay for fireworks!) so you lucky ducks get it now! Thank you for all the support you guys have shown- I hope you stick with it the rest of the way!

Castiel was awoken half an hour before his alarm went off. Two small humans were suddenly in his room, jumping up and down on him and laughing hysterically. Castiel groaned and tried to roll over and ignore them.

“Rise and shine, little bro!” Gabriel called to him.

“Gabe, no,” Castiel groaned.

“If you love kids so much, you should really experience the morning routine!” Gabriel told him. The man had managed to weasel his way into getting to spend the night with the kids, sleeping on the bed in the spare room. Castiel wasn’t entirely sure when he agreed to it, probably when the kids passed out on his lap around eight, but he knew that right now he was seriously regretting it.

“Gabriel, I am going to skin you alive,” Castiel grumbled, slowly sitting up, his hair a complete mess.

“Atta boy!”

“Uncle Cassie, can we eat?” Peter asked, poking Castiel in the cheek. Peter and Aaron seemed to be exactly the same, yet totally different. Both were little micro copies of their father personality wise, though they looked more like their mother. Peter was vocal and would never shut up, just like both of his parents, but Aaron was quiet, only speaking when absolutely necessary. Which didn’t mean he was shy. At all. He was like some kind of sneak attack ninja; unlike Gabriel or Peter, you never heard the little creature coming.

“If you two would stop- OW! Stop breaking my ribs!” Castiel told them with a groan. They fell into a fit of giggles before Gabriel came over to scoop them up into his arms. Aaron went right for the hair.

“Seriously? I mean, c’mon, Aaron!” Gabriel muttered. His son just laughed. “We’ll be setting your kitchen on fire. Have a fun shower!” Gabriel called over his shoulder. Castiel flopped back down onto the bed. As soon as Gabriel left, his mind no longer occupied, the first thing to appear was Dean.

“Nope! Not this morning!” Castiel told himself, flipping the covers back and jumping out of bed. He immediately regretted that decision when he got a head rush. Steadying himself, he tried to blank out his mind as he entered the bathroom that was attached to his room, slipping out of his sleepwear until he was completely nude. Castiel sighed, grabbing the sides of the mirror and observing the array of bathroom supplies on the counter. What the hell was he doing? Ignoring Dean. Right. Well, that was working out fantastically. Castiel released his death grip on the porcelain, moving over the shower to turn it on and promptly tripping over his pants, falling and smoking his forehead on the edge of the bathtub. Castiel let out a string of swears, holding his hand to his forehead and groaning in between curses.

“Fucking Dean. Trying not to think about him. Fucking- Dean,” Castiel grumbled. He opened his eyes, finding the world to be slightly dizzying.

“Cassie? You okay bro? I heard someone fall,” Gabriel said, knocking lightly on Castiel’s door.

“Fine, fine,” Castiel insisted, standing and falling flat on his ass on the tile. “Every goddam time I need to get things done…”

“I’m coming in,” Gabriel announced, swinging the door open. “Oh good Christ! Dear Lord! My eyes!” Gabriel screamed in mock horror, covering his face.

“Help me up,” Castiel muttered, extending a hand.

“Not until you cover the morning wood, dude,” Gabriel told him, a hand still blinding him as he grabbed randomly at a towel and threw it at his brother. Castiel was blushing furiously, face as red as a tomato. He hadn’t even noticed certain… downstairs activity.

“Fucking Tuesdays,” Castiel grumbled, moving the towel over his crotch. Gabriel moved forwards at last, gripping his brother’s arm and helping him up.

“How did you even manage to fuck up this bad?”

“I actually don’t know. Shit- where are the kids?” Castiel asked, holding one hand to his throbbing forehead.

“Fuck!” Gabriel yelled, practically throwing Castiel on his bed as he ran down the stairs yelling something about leaving the knives alone. Castiel moaned, clutching a hand to his head and finding it smeared with blood.

“Just perfect. Absolutely perfect,” he sighed, sitting up slowly and grabbing some tissues from the side of the bed, putting them on his forehead. He stood, the towel falling from his waist, and hurriedly grabbed some underwear to throw on; that is, if hurriedly meant slower than a snail. It was a good thing Gabriel had his hands full. Castiel sat back down. In that short five minutes, the bleeding had nearly stopped, which Castiel was taking as a good sign. He was beginning to get a fierce headache, but he could deal with that.

“Uncle Cassie!” he heard for the second time that morning, looking up just in time to see Peter launch himself at him. Castiel caught Peter- barely- and set him on the bed. Aaron clambered over. Gabriel was wheezing in the doorway, holding up a finger as he grabbed his knees. “We found things to help!” Peter produced a small handful of bandages. Some were dinosaurs. Some were pink Barbies. Aaron grabbed one from his brother, unpeeling it carefully and trying not to get it stuck on his fingers. “Here!” Peter pulled Castiel’s face towards him and smacked a bandage right on top of his growing bruise. Castiel flinched away and Peter frowned.

“Carefully, buddy,” Castiel told him, offering a tired smile. Peter grinned back and nodded enthusiastically. Aaron tapped him on the shoulder, and when Castiel turned, he was assaulted with yet another bandage directly on the injured part of his forehead. Aaron smiled gleefully. Castiel shot Gabriel a look, who was grinning wickedly.

“Aw, look, they gave you Barbies _and_ dinosaurs!” Gabriel crooned.

“Yeah, yeah,” Castiel muttered. He rubbed his hand on his head and stood, finding himself to be much less dizzy than before.

“Atta boy! C’mon, guys, breakfast!” Gabriel announced, clapping his hands. The boys scrambled towards their father, Peter somehow managing to go right over Castiel and put his heel in his uncle’s crotch. Castiel bit back a swear, closing his eyes and grabbing his junk, falling over onto the bed. Gabriel bit his fist, letting out a quick breath.

“Remind me to never have kids,” Castiel hissed.

“You okay?” Gabriel asked, leaning towards his brother.

“Just go, Gabriel, please,” Castiel snapped. Gabriel raised his hands and left, closing the door behind him. Castiel was exhausted and his alarm hadn’t even gone off yet. He sighed. He wasn’t having a shower today- it was just too much effort at this point. He laid on his bed for a moment longer before convincing himself he needed to get up.

Work awaited him, after all.

………..

Castiel had never been happier to not have yard duty in his entire teaching career. He sat at his desk contentedly, enjoying the sweet, sweet silence. Gabriel had promised he would be gone by the time school ended, and Castiel certainly hoped so; Gabriel had a shop to run, and his employees weren’t incredibly reliable. Or intelligent. Castiel hadn’t assigned any kind of homework to his third grade class, so he had around forty minutes to do whatever he pleased. Maybe get some goddam sleep. Castiel had already prepared everything for the day, so he propped his feet up on the desk and closed his eyes, hands placed under his throbbing head.

Castiel flashed his eyes open, kicked his feet up, and flailed his arms when there was a knock at the door, successfully managing to fall out of his chair and land on the floor with a groan. He stayed there, finding himself too tired to move.

“Whoa, Cas, you okay?” he heard a deep voice ask, the sound of heavy footsteps and chairs being scraped out of the way reaching his ears. Castiel sat up and waved his hand.

“Fine, fine,” he said, managing to grab the desk and begin to pull himself up. There was a firm hand on his elbow, and when he turned to thank the person, he nearly jumped out of his skin, instead stumbling backwards and knocking a book off a shelf.

“Oh, shit!” Dean exclaimed.

“Jesus Christ, you scared the hell out of me!” Castiel breathed, turning around to put the book back on the shelf.

“Sorry, man. Uh. Cas?”

“What? What is it?” Castiel asked as he turned around, finding Dean staring at him with a smile.

“Do you always wear dinosaur and Barbie bandages, or is today just a special one?” Dean asked, letting loose a fit of laughter. Castiel stuck his hand to his hand, and peeled off the small bandages with a sigh.

“It was Gabriel’s sons,” Castiel muttered.

“Whoa, hey, that’s an awful big bump,” Dean said, forehead creasing as he closed the distance between himself and Castiel, putting his hands on Castiel’s forehead and gingerly pressing around the bruise. Castiel flinched. His heart was hammering loudly in his chest and he was beginning to need to control his breathing.

_No, no, no! Stop this! Don’t indulge these feelings!_

“It’s, uh, it’s fine, Dean,” Castiel mumbled softly, voice barely audible.

“Are you sure? You’re gonna have quite the goose egg,” Dean told him.

“Yeah, I’m just a klutz.” Castiel suddenly froze. He was standing here, having such a casual conversation, and it was… normal. It was if they were back in that September after the accident, totally normal and calm. It was unnerving. Castiel swallowed hard when he realized that something else was quite the same as it was back then.

He still had a very large crush on Dean Winchester.

“Wait, wait, hold on a second- did you say _Gabriel_ has children? Someone had _offspring_ with Gabriel? Your brother?” Dean asked incredulously. Castiel barked out a laugh.

“Yeah, I know. Her name’s Kali. Actually, here,” Castiel said, turning away from Dean towards his pictures. Dean took a step back. Castiel didn’t know if that made him happy or sad. Shaking away those thoughts, Castiel gave Dean two pictures, the one with Gabriel, Kali and the boys, and the one with himself and the twins covered in cake. Dean’s grin stretched to his ears when he saw the cake one.

“They’re beautiful, Cas,” Dean told him, handing back the pictures. Castiel placed them on his desk.

“Yeah, they’re pretty great. Kali’s out of town, so Gabriel stayed with me last night. He’s still a child himself, so it isn’t very smart to leave him alone with the kids.” Dean nodded, laughing.

“Oh, hey, I brought you some coffee. I know you prefer herbal tea, but I figured coffee would work better on a school day,” Dean said, turning around and producing two cups from a desk. Castiel stepped away from his own, grabbing the coffee Dean was offering and taking a sip, closing his eyes appreciatively at the hot beverage.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Still black?”

“Still black. How do you even remember all this?” Castiel asked, opening his eyes and raising an eyebrow. He detected a faint blush to Dean’s ears when the man shrugged.

“Some things just stick, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess.” They stood in silence for a moment, both taking tentative sips from their cups.

“Look, Cas, I want to apologize.”

“For what?”

“For being such a shitty kid all those years ago. And for now, for barging in on your life. Hell, you must have someone and a few kids by now, huh?” Castiel shuffled his feet.

“No,” he said, clearing his throat. “It, uh, no. It was only ever you, Dean.” Dean paled, looking at the floor.

“I’m sorry. Cas, God, I’m sorry. I’ve wanted to say that for years now, so many years. You were… you weren’t a mistake, Cas, okay?” Castiel’s head snapped up.

“What?”

“You weren’t. A mistake, I mean. I… You weren’t a passing thing. You never were, okay?”

“Dean, stop. I’m begging you. Just. Stop, please.”

“Cas-”

“It’s too late. You have your family, I have mine, even if it just my siblings. Dean, let the past be the past. You can’t… remind me, of things. I was over you.”

“Was?”

“Am. I am over you. And… I’m sorry too. I said some really, really shitty things. Awful things. In my weird, college aged head, I thought insulting you and pushing you away would make it easier. For both of is. Obviously, I was wrong,” Castiel told him, once again averting his eyes.

“No, don’t you say you’re sorry. What you said, it was wrong, and if I was in my right mind, I would’ve seen it. But it did help me, Cas, it helped me stay with Lisa. So… thank you, for that.” Castiel nodded.

“So I guess this is catching up?” Castiel questioned with a smile. Dean chuckled.

“Naw, this is the awkward, overdue apology part. How’ve you been, Cas?”

“Good, good. Everyone’s good. Anna, she had her baby, obviously. Her name’s Danielle, she’d be a little older than Emma. Gabe just has the two, thank God. Lucifer has a girl-”

“Oh, did he finally settle down?”

“Uh, no. His wife, she passed quite a few years ago. He’s… never gotten over her. He adopted, his daughter’s name is Lillian. She’s a little angel, which is shocking, since she’s the daughter of the devil. Oh, remember Balthazar? Well, he got married. Twice. Had two kids with the first one. She died when the second was born, and about two years after that he met his husband, Jake, who’s Canadian. They live up there with him now.”

“Wow. That’s… a lot to take in,” Dean said, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck. “But what about _you_ , Cas? There must have been someone, something?”

“Not… really. I have two cats, Leviathan and Vera. I love my job. There was… there was one teacher, back in Vermillion. But he wasn’t anything, turned out to be a douche.” Dean snorted.

“Sorry, sorry, it just sounds _hilarious_ when you say douche. Did your balls drop over these years or what?”

“Says you of all people,” Castiel retorted.

“Fair enough.”

“Since we’re doing this catching up thing, I want to hear all about the wonderful life of Dean Winchester.”

“Not much to tell. Emma was born in the May of ’93, and Lisa and I got married the August of ’94. Ben was born in ’97, and, oh, maybe two, three years after that, Bobby got married and we got his house. I still work there, I run the shop. It’s a great place. Uh, no animals. Oh! Sam, he became this big, fancy lawyer. Moved out to California. Jess, her family moved about two months after… New Year’s, of, uh, that year, and Sam was crushed. Heads out to freaking Stanford, and who else is there but Jess. They’ve got two boys, Jamie and Andy. Cutest little guys you’ve ever seen. They’re coming for Christmas, you should totally meet them, you’d love Jamie, he’s just adorable! And Andy takes after his favourite uncle. Not Adam. He lives with us too, works for me in the shop. Damn good mechanic. Must’ve gotten it from our asshole dad. Dammit, I’m rambling again,” Dean muttered, stopping in his tracks.

“No, no! I… I love hearing about you, Dean, it sounds so wonderful,” Castiel told him earnestly. He saw a pang of hurt and guilt in Dean’s eyes.

“I have more stories than I contain about my family, but Cas, you… You’ve got cats. And Gabe. How is any of this fair? Why did you have to get the shit end?”

“Dean, it’s okay. Really. I like my life. It’s quiet, it’s predictable.”

“Predictable is boring!” Castiel was quiet. He felt sick, and his heart was slamming against his ribcage. His mouth felt dry. _Predictable is boring_. At that moment, all Castiel wanted to do was drop his coffee cup and show Dean exactly how unpredictable he could be. He wanted to take Dean by his shirt collar and throw him against the wall. He wanted his lips on Dean’s. He wanted his body against Dean’s. He wanted _Dean_. Dean, who was married with three kids. Dean, who would never want him back. Not now. Dean, who he was supposed to hate. Dean, who he _knew_ he _should_ hate, but in blinding reality, Castiel knew he would never hate Dean. Far from it. Dean had ripped out his heart and stomped on it, and now he was flipping Castiel’s simple little life upside down. But Castiel didn’t care. Because _predictable was boring_. Playing by the rules and resenting Dean was boring.

“I can’t. I can’t do this,” Castiel said, turning away from Dean and putting the coffee down.

“Cas? What, what can’t you do? Cas? You all right?”

“This!” Castiel said, gesturing between the two of them. “I _can’t_ , Dean! I can’t stand here and pretend everything is totally fine!”

“Whoa, Cas, I know you’re mad-”

“No! I’m not mad, Dean, I’m not.”

“Then what, Cas? What’s the problem? Just tell me.”

“You! You’re the problem! It’s been over a decade, but whenever I look at you… Dean, please. I need you to go. Predictable might be boring, but right now, if I’m anything less than predictable, we’ll regret it.”

“Cas. Just stop. I’m not gonna go. I want us to be friends.”

“That’s it! Right there! Friends. You want us to be friends, but I _don’t_. I want something else entirely.”

“Oh. Oh.”

“My Christ you’re slow.”

“Oh. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.”

“Sorry, sorry. I- I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No. No, it’s fine. Totally fine. It’s my fault, for being such an ass, just leaving you like that, never letting us transition into friends back then. It’s… fine, Cas, really.”

“Dean-”

“If you’re willing to give it a shot, I would really like to be friends.”

“Dean-”

“Please. I… I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think I need you. Before there was ever an _us_ , we were such good friends, and I just… miss it. I have, for a long time.” Castiel nodded.

“Me too. Can you… give me some time? To sort through this shit?”

“Yeah, of course. Of course, Cas.”

“Thank you.”

“I should go.”

“Okay.”

“I think this had successfully been the shittiest job any two people have ever done at catching up.” Castiel let loose a laugh, stopping to rub his head when his laugh caused it to throb and made him cringe.

“I think you might just be right, Dean Winchester.” Dean smiled. He turned to go, stopping in the doorway.

“Have a great day, Castiel Novak.” He turned on his heel, and Castiel hears him descending the stairs. He sat back on his desk, feeling numb. Had he really just said those things? Had he actually just told Dean he still had… feelings? Why? Why had he done that?

Why did anyone ever do anything nowadays?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel finally finds himself with Charlie again for the first time in years, but nothing goes according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like everyone's OOC at this point to their show characters, and possibly even to the last part; I just wanted to say that this in an AU, so if you don't like the OOC for the show, you're on the wrong place. However, it's been thirteen years since the last part, so things have changed in the character's lives that will eventually come to light.
> 
> And, a final heads up- Destiel DOES happen. But not for a while. I completely understand if you're looking for just Destiel, and if you want to leave now, because this IS a long build until it finally happens.
> 
> EDIT** I, being Canadian, have NO IDEA where American states are, and I kind of maybe POSSIBLY screwed up Nevada with Nebraska. Just a little. So, it's changed, they're going to corn country, NOT Vegas! I'll put a note in the next chapter too.

“Gilda, honestly, I just can’t wait to see the look on her face!” Castiel exclaimed gleefully. “She is going to crap her pants! Oh my God, I’ve missed her!” Gilda smiled beside him.

“I think it would be best if you two got to have the night to yourselves. Here we are. Why don’t you go surprise her? I have to go and visit my sister.”

“Oh, Gilda, no, you should come in! I’m sure she’ll want to see you too!”

“Of course she will, the girl can never keep her hands off of me,” Gilda teased. Castiel chuckled. “That’s the problem. You two need to get to know each other again, officially. Have fun, Jim.” Castiel nodded.

“Thank you, Gilda. A thousand times over. Really.”

“Get! Go on now! Make sure you tell me all about how she reacted on Monday!” Gilda insisted, shooing Castiel out of the car. Castiel got out, closing the door softly. He had survived his first week at his new school, and he had yet to see any trace of Dean since then. It looked like Dean was living up to his promise on giving Castiel some time, though Castiel wasn’t entirely sure as to what his feelings were towards that.

Shaking away thoughts of work and _certain other people_ , Castiel jogged up the front walk of the bungalow. He hesitated only a second, then, hearing Gilda drive away, he knocked three times on the wooden door. Gilda had picked him up from his house, since his car wouldn’t start, and she insisted that Charlie could drive him home. He’d just have to make sure she didn’t drink. Much.

“I don’t believe in Jesus, get off my stoop!” he heard from inside.

“Charlie?” he called.

“Who is it? I don’t want any magazines, either!”

“Charlie, open the damn door!” He heard something unbolt and a lock turn, and there she was. Still with the red hair and bad fashion choices, now with more aged skin and a shiftier gaze. She was skinnier, much skinnier, and she was wrapping her arms tightly around her torso, which was covered in an R2-D2 t shirt. At least some things never changed.

“What do you want?” she demanded, cocking an eyebrow and putting a hand on her hip. And her attitude hadn’t changed a bit either.

“So I take it you don’t recognize me.”

“Recognize you…? Why? Who- oh my God. Jimmy? Jimmy Novak? Oh my God, _come in_! It’s been so long! Oh my _God_! Jimmy! _Jimmy_!” Charlie squealed, running into Castiel and wrapping her arms around him. “It was Gilda, wasn’t it!? Oh my God, you’re _here_ , it’s been so long! Come on, get in here!” Charlie then successfully grabbed his tie and nearly choked him by dragging him into the house. He was regretting not changing out of his work clothes. Castiel was stunned by her strength as he was pulled into yet another bone crushing hug, as well as her managing to close the door behind them.

“Uh, Charlie?”

“What?” she asked, voice muffled by his suit.

“I think this is the part where you let go.” She squeezed tighter.

“But you’re so squishy and warm and I’ve _missed you_ ,” she whined. Castiel patted her back with a chuckle. She sniffled, giving him a final squeeze before pulling away. She looked him up and down, taking a hand and squeezing his arm. “ _Damn_ , Jim, when did you start hitting the gym?” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“It’s good to see you too, Charls. You look amazing! And congrats on Gilda,” he said with a grin. She shrugged.

“I don’t know why she settled for me! Wait, how do you even know her?” Charlie questioned, seeming slightly suspicious.

“Don’t hate her, but she’s known about me being here since August.”

“ _August_!?”

“Yeah, we work at the school together.”

“ _Of course you do_. Dammit, Gilda! I don’t care. You’re here! Oh my God! We have so much to catch up on!” she squealed, grabbing Castiel’s hand and dragging him into the living room, where he stopped in his stumbling tracks, looking in awe at the crazy technical mess the nerd cave was. There were three monitors set up across the room with headsets strewn about, laptops with different programs running cluttering the room. Charlie had, of course, decorated the wall in posters of everything from Harry Potter to Star Trek. She had action figures lying about, and Castiel couldn’t help but giggle at the fact that there was some kind of Lego battle happening on the floor.

“How did you ever manage to convince Gilda to let you do _this_?” Castiel asked, laughing. Charlie shrugged.

“A few sex toys here, some bondage there-”

“No, stop, please, my ears!” Castiel cried, covering his ears with his hands in what he realized was true horror. Charlie doubled over laughing. When she gained her breath, she wiped a tear from her eye and clapped Castiel on the shoulder. She grabbed his arm and forced him to drop down onto a couch that caused Castiel to flail when he sunk a foot down into it.

“So! Ten years in a minute! Go!” Charlie yelled, looking down at her watch.

“Oh. Shit! Uh, um, became a teacher, taught overseas, in Germany, France too for a year, and then I came back and taught in Vermillion until last June, when it got torn down. Now I’m in Sioux Falls. I have two cats. No kids. No husband. My classes are great.”

“You still have thirty seconds, go, go!”

“Oh. Okay. Gabe has kids, Anna’s kid is great. Uh, I have twenty five kids in my class. My favourites so far are Jayda Michaels and Ben Winchester, and I also-”

“Hold the phone! Ben _what_?”

“Shit.”

“Ben _what_?”

“Charlie, I didn’t mean to say that, don’t, please, you put me under pressure, and-”

“ _Ben Winchester_? Is that what you said? Ben _Winchester_?”

“Charlie! Drop it!”

“Ten years later and here we are, with the same shit!”

“Please. Stop.”

“No! How did this even happen?”

“He’s my student, that doesn’t mean I have anything to do with his father.”

“Oh, so you haven’t seen him, then?” Charlie asked, seeming relieved. Castiel looked away. She threw her hands in the air.

“Don’t, Charlie! It’s not like that!”

“I don’t care! Just talking to him is like an alcoholic hanging around a bar sampling different scotches!”

“Can we not? On our first night in ten years? Please?” Charlie blew out a loud breath.

“Okay. Fine. But I need a drink. ASAP.” Charlie whisked away, and Castiel tried to follow, but he was stuck in the damned couch, and she was already coming back by the time he finally managed to be halfway out. Charlie shoved him back down, plunking herself beside him. She screwed off the cap on a bottle of whiskey, pouring herself a shot and throwing it back. She offered the bottle to Castiel, along with the glass, and he took the bottle, tipping the liquid down his throat, grimacing at the burn. He lowered the bottle, taking his lips away and coughing while he wiped his mouth.

“Damn, that’s strong,” he choked out. Charlie pounded him on the back.

“Easy, tiger,” she joked. He put the bottle back to his lips, downing another mouthful, coughing once more, and repeating twice.

“Do you hear a buzzing?” Castiel slurred. Charlie looked at him with concerned eyes.

“Jim, it’s been twenty minutes and I’m pretty sure you’re drunk,” she told him.

“Pfft,” Castiel said, waving a hand. “I’m just fine, Charlie.”

“Are you sure everything’s okay, man?” Castiel moved his hand for her to move closer. Cocking an eyebrow, she scooched closer. He put his hand on her shoulder and leaned in lose.

“Don’t ask stupid questions.” Charlie let out a small snort of laughter, shaking her head.

“You’re starting to worry me, Jimmy.”

“No, don’t- don’t go further. Charlie. No. Tell me aboot- ha! Aboot. Tell me _about_ you. Too long, much too long.” Charlie rolled her eyes.

“Fine, but after this, your drunk ass is spilling _all_ of the beans.” Castiel shrugged, lowering his mouth into an unamused frown for a second before he was back to smiling. “Well, I work for the government. That’s literally all I can tell you. Gilda and I have been together for, what, seven years now? I dumped Ruby after you left. Gilda, she was the hot one I talked about a couple of times, way back when. She’s amazing, Jim, really. And, uh, we’re adopting,” Charlie told him, lowering her eyes. Castiel’s eyes widened and he took her hand.

“Really? A baby? Really, Charlie?” he asked, voice rising excitedly. She laughed.

“No, idiot, not a baby. Older siblings. We met them once, and we should be getting more information soon. And a home inspection! Oh, Jim, they’re amazing! Their names are Daniel and Ida. Danny’s eleven and Ida’s five. They’re parents died in an accident… they’ve been in foster homes for three years now, and they’re amazing! Oh, I have a picture here!” Charlie scrambled off of the couch, moving to grab a cellphone from a desk and flipping it open. Castiel shielded his eyes against the harsh light. He looked at the picture, finding two kids grinning up at him. The boy had dark hair and blue eyes, and the girl was nearly identical, but with brown eyes and incredibly pale skin. The boy was tanned, most likely from being outside. In his drunken mind, all Castiel could think was _I know them_. But that was ridiculous. How could he possibly know these kids? He sat back from Charlie, frowning intently.

“Jim?” she asked. “What is it?”

“I know them,” he insisted.

“Jim, you can’t, they’re from out state, they live in Nebraska.”

“No, you don’t get it. I _know them_. I do!”

“You’re drunk, Jim.”

“No! They- they had parents. Names. Do you have names?” Charlie’s frown deepened.

“Yeah, the names were Daniel, too, and Liz,” she mumbled. Castiel closed his eyes on the couch.

“So familiar! Charlie? Charlie, am I crazy?” he asked, flashing his lids open and gazing at her with concern.

“Of course you are. Leave it alone, man, you’re just drunk,” she told him.

“You seem fine with that,” he told her, running a hand through his hair.

“Well, I’ve always wanted a drunk teacher on my couch, and Gilda isn’t one for drinking. Plus, you seem like you could use a break.” Castiel nodded enthusiastically.

“Shittiest week of my life,” he admitted.

“Why?”

“Oh _no_! You- you aren’t ferret. Ferret? Slinky. No! Weasel! You aren’t weaselling it out of me! Nope, nope, nope!”

“I’m not- Jesus, you’re a lightweight.”

“Yep.”

“Jim, come on. Something’s eating you.”

“It’s like you said. Ten years we’ve been waiting. And still. My shitty problems, they’re here,” he grumbled. Charlie sighed.

“I’m gonna be a mom. But you’re alone. Why’s that?”

“Because I like being alone.”

“Fair enough.”

“Charlie?”

“Yeah?”

“Is predictable boring?” Castiel hiccupped.

“Why do you ask?”

“Nothing. Forget it.”

“Jim.”

“Forget it.”

“ _Jim_!”

“It’s been thirteen years! It’s been so long! But he’s squirming back in! Thirteen! I was gone from… he was away from me! Forever!”

“I feel like this is about Dean.”

“No! No. It’s not. It’s… it’s about kids, you know?”

“What?”

“Like, you have a great kid, right? And then, and then they leave, after a year. And then you might find a new kid you like. But Charlie, what if you learn… you shouldn’t get attached to kids? So you stop? And then the first kid comes back? What do you do if the first kid comes back? And he doesn’t want you to be his teacher, Charlie, no, he just… he just wants to know you.”

“I see. But that first kid left. No calls, no emails, no trying to get in contact, right?”

“Yeah, right.”

“Don’t give the kid the time of day.”

“But I _want_ to!”

“Do you want to be his teacher, or his friend?” Castiel was silent for a long time. Charlie sat quietly, looking at the picture on her phone. She clicked it off, picking up the whiskey bottle and taking a small sip. Castiel was staring straight ahead, his mind racing, filling with images of Dean and Ben and Gabriel, all of them mixed. He could hear a buzzing in the room, but couldn’t seem to place it.

“Teacher.”

“Huh? What? Sorry, what?”

“Charlie. I want to be his teacher.”

“But you can’t teach him, right?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“He already has a teacher,” Castiel said glumly.

“Can we stop using this ridiculous cover?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“If… if it’s real words, it’s real too.”

“ _What_?”

“If I say it’s him, it gets worse!”

“Jim, calm down.”

“I should go,” Castiel told her, trying to stand, but only managing to roll off the couch and crash loudly onto the floor.

“Whoa, whoa, you’re not going anywhere like this! Hey, hey, it’s okay!” she said, crouching beside him. He groaned, rubbing his head and rolling away from her.

“Let me die in peace,” he moaned.

“Jim, just chill!”

“Is predictable boring?”

“No. It’s… nice.”

“He made me feel like shit. He told me my life was shit. He said my life was _boring_. I’m _not_ boring.”

“No, you’re very fun, Jim,” Charlie told him, rubbing circles on his back.

“Exactly! Exactly. See, you know! I’m cool!”

“Yes, definitely.”

“Oh my God,” he whispered, shooting upwards, eyes wide.

“Jim? You’re starting to freak me out, man.”

“I know those kids,” he breathed.

“Not this again! Okay, it’s been like forty minutes, and it’s already time to go to bed. Let’s go! C’mon!”

“Charlie! Stop!” he shouted. She froze, one hand on his shoulder. His eyes were wild.

“Daniel Wheeler,” he gasped.

“How do you know that name?”

“Charlie, he’s my brother,” Castiel told her, mouth hanging open dumbly.

“No, no, that’s… not… but it is… oh my God,” she gasped.

“I know those kids,” Castiel breathed.

“They’re… your… _Jesus_ ,” she exclaimed, sitting back with a _thump_. “How the _fuck_ is this happening!? How did we get here? Get up, Jim, get up!”

“Daniel’s dead,” Castiel whispered. Charlie dropped her hand from his arm instantly. “My brother. He’s dead.” He closed his eyes against the tears that were there. “He’s gone.” It didn’t make sense. He had only met Daniel once, and he was such a good man, with such a bright future. How, out of all of his siblings, had no one discovered that Daniel was dead? How did no one know about his orphaned children? Why did no one take them? All of these thoughts were whipping around in Castiel’s mind, blinding him to the outside world. His head hurt from drinking, but it also heart from clenching his jaw to keep himself from sobbing right then and there. Life was so short. He had only met Daniel once, but now, he’d never get to meet him again.

“Jim,” Charlie whispered.

“No, it’s fine, I’m Castiel frickin’ Novak, I’m _fine_ ,” he blubbered. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into an embrace. He squeezed her tight, feeling hot tears begin to spill from his eyes as he sniffled.

“I know you hurt, for so many reasons, and now this. Castiel. I need you to do something.”

“What?” he grunted, turning and burying his head into her shoulder, not wanting to have to think or breathe or do- just sit here and forget, let the alcohol take effect.

So much for the happy drunk he used to be.

“I need you to stay away from Dean. He’ll never love you. He’ll never care. He’s selfish, and a prick. I need you to focus on yourself, especially with this loss. This isn’t the right time to be saying this, but dammit, Castiel, you need to hear it, _right now_.” Dean? She was talking about _Dean_? Castiel didn’t give a rat’s ass about Dean, not right now! But wait. Wasn’t that good? Wasn’t that a good sign? That he was agreeing with what Charlie just said?

“I need to see those kids,” was all he could manage.

“Okay. We’ll do that.”

“My head hurts.”

“I bet it does.”

“How much did I drink?”

“Not very much.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Charlie?” He paused. “I’m sorry for fucking up your evening.” She let loose a humourless laugh. She wiped her eyes, and he knew that this hadn’t been easy on her either.

“You could never ruin my evening, Jim. I love you too much.”

Castiel decided, in his fuzzy mind, that he would never ‘catch up’ with anyone ever again, especially if it was going to turn out like this every time.

………..

Gilda came home at midnight, three and a half hours after dropping off Castiel, to find Charlie propped against the couch, Castiel wrapped in her arms. He had tear tracks down his face, and she had some to match. Castiel was shaking in Charlie’s arms, hands twitching and facial expressions changing. Gilda moved into the room, putting the cap on the quarter empty whiskey bottle. She grabbed a blanket off of the back of the couch and threw it over the two of them. Sighing, Gilda flipped off the light and trudged up to bed. She had a feeling Castiel would be coming around quite a bit.

………...

Castiel’s head was pounding viciously. He groaned, finding himself splayed across the floor with his head in Charlie’s lap. Her fingers where playing with his hair, her eyes staring at the wall. He tried to turn and look at her, but it hurt too much to move.

“Morning,” she said stiffly.

“What the hell happened?” he questioned, dragging a hand to his face and rubbing his eye.

“I learned a lot last night,” Charlie told him softly.

“Daniel,” was all Castiel could whisper, his throat closing over and his eyes clenching shut.

“Castiel. Open your eyes,” she commanded. He did as she said, a sharp pain hitting his temple. His eyes connected with hers. “You need them.”

“What? Charlie, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You need those kids. They need you.”

“No, no, Charlie, you’re trying to-”

“They’re your family.”

“I… no, I can’t take them away from you.”

“They’re your _family_.”

“Morning, sleepyheads,” Castiel heard from the doorway, knowing it was Gilda without looking. He didn’t respond to her.

“Don’t do this, Charlie, don’t… not adopt them, because of me.”

“You should take them, Castiel.”

“Castiel? Who’s that? Why are we adopting people?”

“My apologies, Gilda. My birth name is Castiel, though I prefer Jim.”

“Gil, the kids, Danny and Ida, they’re… his brother’s.”

“ _What_?”

“I didn’t know Daniel had passed,” Castiel told her, voice cracking. “He is… was… my half-brother.” He clenched his eyes shut against the light, feeling like someone was ripping his head apart.

“What are the chances? They can’t be, it’s- it’s too random!” she insisted.

“I agree. Charlie, I was drunk.” She reached across him and grabbed her phone, turning it on and showing him the picture. Ida, he wasn’t sure of, but that was Danny. He had his grandfather’s eyes, Castiel’s eyes, the dark hair… the facial structure, he looked just like his father. He was smiling his mother’s smile, and he had that same scar on his lip that he had at the picnic, but with many more now covering the rest of his face. Daniel and Liz had attended only once, at the second one, three years ago, and after they never returned, Castiel had forgotten them, thinking that they had moved or dropped off the face of the Earth. He had never… never imagined… And now it was too late to reconnect, see the kids with their dad, enjoy a smiling, happy family. Because his brother was dead and those kids were alone.

“And?” Charlie asked.

“It’s them,” Castiel said, voice hoarse.

“Oh God,” Gilda gasped.

“Gilda, please, you’ve fallen in love! I want you two to pursue the adoption, please,” Castiel told them, slowly pushing himself into a sitting position, keeping his head in his hands once he had managed to sort of sit up.

“No. No, we can’t, we can’t. We need to go to Nebraska. Now,” Gilda said, spinning out of the room.

“What is she doing?” Castiel asked. Charlie stood, steadying herself on the coffee table.

“Get up.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re going to Nebraska. Now.”

Castiel opened his mouth to make a retort, but when he saw the look of fierce determination in her eyes, he stopped himself, closing it. His heart was thumping at a mile a minute. They were his family. Part of his huge, large family, and Charlie just assumed that he would want them, want to raise them, to bring them into his home. She wasn’t wrong, and that terrified Castiel. He didn’t know what to think, what to do. He stopped himself. So many what ifs were running through his mind. What if he had never met Gilda? What if she had never mentioned Charlie? What if he had never come over? What if he had never gotten drunk? And, the most frightening, _what if he was wrong_? What if they weren’t Daniel’s kids? He was certain, God, he was certain, but he was hung over and exhausted and plenty of people had bright blue eyes.

Castiel knew one thing at this moment, as his memories of the previous night flowed back in: Charlie was right. Dean was an asshole. Dean could go fuck himself.

Castiel needed to take care of himself right now.

And, if he was miraculously _right_ , he might just need to take care of some smaller human beings, too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel heads out to Nebraska with Gilda and Charlie to be reunited with his niece and nephew for the first time in three years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. It is I. This chapter contains the beginnings of a panic attack, and the mention of previous harm towards children. It has mentions of self hatred. 
> 
> Just a warning. This fic WILL have death in. The death will be described, likely graphically. The death is canon in the show. The death will cause serious emotional damage to characters. The death will be occurring within the next ten chapters.
> 
> THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL WARNING.
> 
> EDIT** I am Canadian. While I did my best, I know NOTHING about Nebraskan adoption. Sorry if literally everything I'm doing is wrong. Also, I MEANT Nebraska in the last chapter, but accidentally typed Nevada. Whoops.

Columbus. They were going to Columbus. Castiel was sitting in the back of Gilda’s car, Charlie and her partner in the front, still wearing his work clothes, on the highway to Nebraska. It was a three hour drive from just outside of Sioux Falls to the city, but Gilda seemed determined to get there, and after merely an hour and a half of driving, they had just an hour to go. The first leg of the journey was spent in complete silence, mostly for Castiel’s sake. He had spent the time switching between popping Advil to wiping tears off of his face to nervously tapping his leg, trying to piece together this while mess in his head. He assumed the two women were giving him the peace he needed to digest all of this information, but Castiel wasn’t entirely sure if he ever really would. Eventually, he just couldn’t stand the dead quiet any longer.

“What are they like?” he asked, wiping a hand across the back of one of his eyes. Charlie seemed to snap out of some kind of daze, shaking her head and turning back to face him with a small smile.

“From what we could tell, they’re pretty decent. Ida’s incredibly hyper, and she doesn’t remember her parents at all, but Danny… he still wasn’t taking the death too well, when we last saw him. They said from what the kid told them he was really close with his dad.”

“Yes, I remember that. Daniel always had him in his arms or on his shoulder or he was holding his hand… I played soccer with them, at one point, and the boy had been on his father’s shoulders again.”

“Did he like you?” Castiel nodded.

“Most children do, surprisingly.”

“Look, Jim, adoption is hard. We’ve been in the system a while, and eventually we decided to go for older kids, since it would make things easier. You’re their uncle, and that means this will hopefully be easier for you. I remember reading that with uncles and aunts, it was usually just six home visits over a month, a lot of paper work, and then the kids could go with them. I’m not sure, it’s a whole other world. But if it’s that easy, Jim, you could have a real chance at getting them. A real chance.”

“I feel so bad, Charlie. I had no idea about Daniel. I just assumed… assumed he didn’t want to be with us, like so many others. No one contacted me. Why would they? It’s not like Daniel would talk about any of us. Why are they in foster care, Charlie? Why not with relatives?” Charlie looked over at Gilda, who lowered her eyes.

“The mother, Liz, she was an only child, a foster kid herself. That was all the file said on her. Daniel… it was said his father was ‘unreachable’, but now we know that means serial rapist in prison, and that his mother was dead. He had no siblings on his mother’s side, just your family, but the agency, I don’t think they knew who any of you were. Maybe Gordon was never even on his birth certificate? I mean, Daniel’s a pretty common name.”

“Daniel was also an angel, lesser known than the others. Perhaps it is coincidence, perhaps my father was unaware of Daniel… we’ll never know now.”

“Anyway, the kids were put in the system. They’ve had four foster homes in three years. Last I heard, they’ve been with this family for nine months, which is good.”

“I want you to have them.”

“No,” Gilda said sharply. “They’re your family, Jim, and they need you.”

“And you need them,” Charlie said softly.

“What if I don’t want them?”

“But you do.”

“You can’t know that.”

“You’re in a car on your way to Nebraska. I think you want them.” Castiel held his head in his hands.

“Charlie, I’m broken! How can I be a parent? They won’t let me be a parent!”

“Broken? Why do you think you’re broken?”

“Just _look_ at me, Charlie!” She was quiet for a moment.

“Gilda, pull the car over,” Charlie instructed. Gilda did as she was told, and Charlie opened her door, stepping outside and making Castiel get out of the car. She took his face in her hands. “You _aren’t_ broken.”

“They’ll never let me have them. Never. Not with my father, my childhood, my history of mental illness, my-”

“Your teaching license? Your stable financial situation? Your cats? Your _what_? You aren’t perfect, but, dammit, Jim, you’re good enough! You’re better than that, you’re _amazing_. Do. You. Want. These. Kids?”

“Charlie, they-”

“Not they! _You_. Do you want these kids in your life?”

“Yes, but you and-”

“ _Do you want these kids in your life_? Yes or no.” Castiel opened his mouth and closed it, frowning.

“I… yes. I do.”

“That’s it. That’s all that matters. They know you. They’ve been around you. You’re their flesh and blood. Don’t you go and have a panic attack over this.”

“It’s so _much_.”

“If you don’t want them, you don’t need to offer to take them.”

“But I do. I want to… to love them, Charlie, to show them the world hasn’t gone completely to shit.”

“Then get back in the car, and _let’s go_.” Castiel did as she said, climbing back in, a frown still on his face, even though Charlie had a triumphant grin. Without a word, Gilda started up the car and they were moving again. Castiel pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, flipping it open and dialling a number.

“I _told you_ , Kali, the phone’s ringing! So _you_ need to deal with the accident! Hello?”

“ _Gabriel Christopher Novak, I will skin you alive!_ ”

“You can try, baby, but you’d miss this luscious ass! Hello?”

“Gabe, it’s Jim.”

“Cassie! What’s up little bro? Kali, it’s Cassie! I need to take this!”

“ _You pompous ass_ -”

“Love you too! I’ll just take this over here!”

“Having fun?” Castiel asked.

“Loads,” Gabriel chuckled.

“Is that Gabriel?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, sadly, it is.”

“Tell him I say hi!”

“Charlie says hi,” Castiel mumbled.

“Bradbury?” Gabriel asked.

“Yes.”

“When did you start seeing her again? She’s so much _fun_.”

“ _Oh, but a wife and kids isn’t?_ ”

“I can’t drink with the kids and you laugh weird when you’re drunk!” Gabriel called. Castiel heard something break and a laugh, likely from Peter, the little shit.

“Gabe! Gabe, I need you to do something.”

“Emergency dildo? I know Kali has one somewhere.”

“ _The fact that you think I need one speaks wonders, Gabriel!_ ”

“Oh shut up! I can hardly hear over your wailing!”

“Gabriel!”

“What?”

“I need you to sit down.”

“Sit down? Why? Is everything okay?” Worry was creeping into his voice, and Castiel could practically see the lines on his forehead crease.

“ _Gabe? Are you okay?_ ” Castiel heard Kali ask.

“Gabriel, are you sitting?”

“Just say it, dammit!”

“Daniel died.”

“Gabriel?”

“Daniel? Our brother Daniel?”

“Yes.”

The crackling static was interrupted by the sound of a _thump_.

“ _Gabriel!_ ” Castiel heard, brow instantly creasing with worry.

“Fine, fine!” Gabriel said, his voice thick. “Fuck, Cassie, way to drop a bomb.”

“I’m sorry, I told you take a seat-”

“When’s the funeral? Where is it?”

“Gabe.”

“When is it?”

“He died three years ago, Gabe. In a car accident.”

“No. There’s no way. We would’ve known, _someone_ would’ve known! _Someone would’ve told us! We would’ve known!_ ” Castiel closed his eyes, feeling the prickle of tears behind his lids once more.

*

_“Hey, Cassie, look who I found! A newbie!” Gabriel said cheerfully, running towards Castiel with his hand wrapped around a man’s wrist. There was a young boy on the man’s shoulders, and Castiel gasped when he saw him._

_He and the boy shared Gordon Novak’s blue eyes._

_“Pleasure to meet you,” the man said, a faint blush in his cheeks as he stuck his hand out. Castiel shook it, looking the man up and down._

_“I’m Castiel, but everyone calls me Jim,” Castiel introduced, lowering his hand._

_“Daniel Wheeler. My son, Danny. My wife Liz is over with our daughter, Ida.”_

_“If you don’t mind my asking, how did you find out about us?” Castiel asked. Gabriel was now beside his full brother, making funny faces at the young boy. Castiel looked at his sibling, not sure how he and Kali were ever going to manage to raise the babies that were on the way with Gabriel himself being such a child. Daniel looked towards his wife, and then back at his newfound brothers._

_“I saw the ad online. The one about Novaks. I know who my father is, so I called someone, I can’t remember a name. There were two numbers on the ad, but no one answered at the first one, so I called the second.”_

_“Michael?”_

_“Yes, that was it! Michael. He’s the oldest, is he not?”_

_“Lucifer’s the oldest, but he prefers Luke now that the kid is here,” Gabriel chimed in. Castiel nodded._

_“I see. So much to learn, about this family.” Gabriel snorted._

_“You don’t even know the half of it.”_

_“I bet.”_

_“Tell me, Daniel. What do you think about procedural cop shows?”_

_“Oh, I think they’re great! Ever see Miami Vice?” Gabriel wiped a fake tear from his eye._

_“Oh, Danny boy, we’ll get along just fine! Just fine!” Gabriel announced, fake punching Daniel’s arm, since his shoulders were occupied by a very quiet young boy. Castiel’s eyes were brought back to the boy’s. They were just so blue… He was like Castiel; a spitting image of his grandfather._

_“Excuse me,” Castiel said, clearing his throat and stepping away. Gabriel shrugged, continuing to talk with Daniel while Castiel searched out Anna._

_He was glad Gabriel had found a new friend._

*

“Gabriel, please, we met them once, and the accident-”

“When was it?” he demanded.

“… Charlie?”

“Yeah?” she asked quietly, not looking at him. He could tell she had tears in her eyes too.

“The date. Of the accident. What was the date?”

“Oh, uh, Gil?” she asked, turning to Gilda.

“July 18, 2002,” Gilda told him softly. Castiel slammed his eyes shut, clenching his jaw.

“Castiel, we should have _known_!”

“Gabriel! Please.”

“How long ago? When was it?”

“Gabriel, it… it was that day. It was the same day we met him,” Castiel admitted through locked teeth.

“No. No, no, no!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know, not until now! I didn’t know!”

“If it wasn’t for us, he’d be alive. Oh, God, his wife, his kids. How are they? We need to go see them.”

“Gabriel, I’m so sorry,” Castiel whispered.

“They can’t be,” Gabriel choked. “Not all of them, please, God, no.”

“Liz and Daniel, they’re gone. The kids are in a foster home.”

“Where? I’m going. Now.”

“No! No, sit, Gabriel, let Kali know what happened, let her take care of you.”

“Not with those kids out there!”

“I’m on my way to Nebraska! Gabriel, listen to me! We’re half an hour away. I’ll be with them soon.”

“Yeah, and then what?” Gabriel snapped.

“And then I’m bringing them home,” Castiel stated adamantly.

“Cassie, are you really?”

“I am.”

“I… are you sure?” Castiel nodded to himself, wiping away more liquid from his face.

“No matter what it takes.”

………..

“Mr. Novak, is it? And who are you two?” the social worker asked. Castiel shifted in his chair to face Charlie, who was standing behind a matching piece of furniture that Gilda was seated in.

“Charlie Bradbury and Gilda Meeks. We were looking to adopt Daniel and Ida Wheeler, but we discovered that a friend of ours is their uncle, and he should know about them,” Charlie said, her voice shaky. Gilda took her hand.

“I see. Mr. Novak, why have you only just come about these children? It’s been three years.”

“I was… unaware that my brother had passed,” Castiel mumbled, looking down and trying his absolute best to not break into tears in the office.

“After three years? How could you be unaware for three years?”

“Daniel is- dammit. Daniel… was... my half-brother. We had only met once, and his kids were amazing. He died the day that we met, but none of us knew.”

“None of you?”

“I’m sure that you’re aware of the kid’s paternal grandfather.” She blushed deeply.

“Yes, yes I am aware. I see, Mr. Novak, I see. It doesn’t have you listed as a family member.”

“Take as much blood as you need for a test. I am their uncle, I assure you.”

“Mr. Novak, why are you _here_?”

“Because these kids need their family, and because I already love them.”

“Ms. Meeks, Ms. Bradbury- you claim to be in the process of adopting the children?”

“Yes ma’am,” Gilda told her.

“And now you want to discontinue?”

“Yes, to allow the children to be with their family,” Gilda told her. The woman sighed.

“This is very strange,” she mumbled. “Very strange indeed.”

“Ms. Mosely, please, I just… I need to see them. I need to make sure they’re all right. I need to tell them why I wasn’t there, didn’t bring them home… I feel so awful, no one in my family was informed of the death, and if _anyone_ had known, I assure you that the kids would have been with someone three years ago.”

“Mr. Novak, I can’t let you see them.”

“And why not?” Castiel demanded, sitting up straighter.

“We have no evidence to conclude that you’re a blood relative.”

“Run a test!”

“They aren’t always accurate, Mr. Novak, and that would take weeks to get results from.” Castiel was quiet for a moment.

“You’re aware of Daniel Wheeler Sr.’s father?”

“Yes, one Gordon Novak, according to the file. But it isn’t on the man’s birth certificate, and he is currently incarcerated.”

“My name is Castiel James Novak. Please, whatever you can do, pull up my file, it will show that I’m the son of Gordon Novak, and that I’m the uncle of those children.”

“Those records are out of State, Mr. Novak.” Castiel dug around in the pocket of his suit, producing his wallet. He thanked himself for being an overly paranoid bastard and always having with him his driver’s license and a copy of his health card. He put them on the table and pushed them towards her. Ms. Mosely took the cards, examining them closely. Charlie tensed beside him.

“Do those do anything to help my case?” he asked, feeling desperate.

“Do you have a copy of your birth certificate?”

“Give me an hour and a fax machine, and I most definitely can.”

………..

Castiel found himself sitting impatiently in a waiting room, wringing his hands together with Gilda beside him, Charlie next to her with her head on Gilda’s lap, somehow managing to fall asleep. Castiel had contacted Gabriel and instructed him to go to his house, open the second filing cabinet in the back room, go into the first drawer, and pull put his birth certificate, filed under ‘B’. Castiel had never been more grateful that he had filing cabinets to keep track of his documents and his class planning from the past ten years. Gabriel had them gone home and faxed the information. Ms. Mosely was convinced at last, and after speaking with a higher up, they decided to bring the kids to the social services building to be reunited with their uncle. Castiel wanted to cry he was so happy, and if a few stray tears escaped, no one commented.

Ms. Mosely emerged from a room just to the right of them with a stack of papers.

“Now, if you want to begin filing for adoption and researching adopting within family, these pamphlets will help. You’ll need certain certifications-”

“I’m a teacher, does that mean anything?”

“It’s very rude to interrupt, Mr. Novak.”

“My apologies, ma’am.”

“We’ll need proof of your employment, your teaching license, and your basic or possibly extended training. Do you have basic or extended?”

“Extended.”

“Good, good, that really helps things. If you have those records, it will smooth the adoption along.”

“How long will it be until I can bring them home?” Castiel asked. Gilda took his hand, looking up at Ms. Mosely. She sighed.

“Let’s just… wait a while, okay?”

“No, please, I would really like your input.”

“Since this is a relative adoption, it should proceed smoothly, as we can prove you to be of blood relation. The problem is, you weren’t left as guardian in the will. No one was left as guardian, because there was no will, which is why the kids are here. Basically, what I’m trying to say it, this could take, maybe, six weeks, or this could take six months. Since you’re a fully qualified teacher, and this is just my own opinion, I believe that it will be the shorter route. You’ll be seen as being able to allow the children to adapt faster, and help them in ways others may not be able. But this is all speculation; first, you need to meet them again, and decide if this is what you really want,” Ms. Mosely finally finished. Castiel soaked up the information, cataloguing it away in his mind.

“Thank you so much, Ms. Mosely, you have no idea how much I appreciate all of your help.” Before the woman could respond, the door to the waiting room opened. Castiel’s heart stopped.

There they were.

Daniel’s hair was unruly and long, his eyes sunken and sad as he looked around the room. He was picking at a hole in his jeans with one hand, while the other gripped his sister close. His skin was tanned, like in the picture, and he had scars all over his visible skin. The boy looked up and made eye contact briefly with his uncle, before he refocused on the floor. Ida had long, curly blackish brown hair with big brown puppy-dog eyes. Castiel’s heart nearly melted when she looked up at him, a tiny little smile on her lips. Daniel pulled at her hand and she looked away. Her skin was pale and had no scars, but her arms were covered by a sweater, so Castiel wasn’t sure if she was unmarked. He assumed they were from the accident, and the thought made his breath catch in his throat. He had tears in his eyes as he sunk to his knees, looking at the two of them, grief and relief both running through his body. Charlie stirred behind him, and he heard some sniffles as well.

“Do you know who I am?” Castiel choked out. Ida shook her head, but Daniel nodded.

“Uncle Cassie,” Daniel mumbled. Castiel smiled. Stupid Gabe. He had refused to let Daniel call him Jimmy, so Cassie it was. Castiel had never been happier for the stupid nickname.

“Yeah, kiddo, that’s right,” he said with a strangled laugh. “Ida, I’m your father’s brother. We met once, when you were very little.” Daniel stiffened.

“It was that day,” he whispered to his sister. She nodded. Daniel turned his eyes towards Castiel, and he was sure he could swim in the boy’s sadness. “She doesn’t remember. I do, but she doesn’t.”

“Daniel-”

“Danny.”

“Danny. Do you want to come and live with me?” Ms. Mosely cleared her throat.

“Nothing has been decided, Mr. Novak, paperwork and meetings and visits and lawyers-”

“Ms. Mosely, please,” Castiel begged, looking back at her. “Can I please have his answer?” She sighed, but nodded. Castiel looked back at Danny. He was looking back and forth from Castiel to Ms. Mosely, but finally, he let go of his sister’s hand and surged forwards, wrapping Castiel in a tight hug. Castiel squeezed him back, rocking back and forth with the boy, both of them shedding silent tears. Danny buried his face in Castiel’s shoulder.

“Can we? Please? Can we?” he asked, and Castiel felt him shaking.

“I want you to, so badly,” Castiel whispered.

“Charlie?” Danny asked. He separated from Castiel, wiping his eyes. Tentatively, Ida moved forwards, looking Castiel up and down. Still on his knees, Castiel was taller than the girl nonetheless. She grinned widely and held her hands out.

“Up!” she commanded, and Castiel stood, gathering the girl into her arms. She giggled in delight, and when Castiel turned around with her, he saw Danny sitting with Gilda and Charlie.

“Hey, kiddo,” Charlie sniffled. “We’re good friends with your uncle, did you know that?” Danny shook his head. “Well, we are, and hopefully, he’ll be able to take you home soon, and we can come visit and play!” Danny looked nervous at the idea. Charlie had explained that the kids were unaware the adoption process was happening, just in case it ended up falling through for some reason. Castiel told them anyways, because there was no way in hell he was letting the state keep the kids away. If Charlie and Gilda wanted them, he would gladly allow them to raise the kids. But he would _not_ let the state rip them away and put them back into a home.

“Mr. Novak, there is no certainty that you will be able to bring the children home-”

“Just. Just these few minutes. Please. We can work out the legalities later. Please, Ms. Mosely.” She sighed, but nodded, sitting in one of the chairs to keep an eye on them. Castiel sat on the floor, dropping Ida into his lap. She was definitely confident, and he had no worries about her adapting.

“Uncle Cassie?” she asked, giving him big puppy dog eyes. Castiel smiled, but it was a sad smile at her words. She had no recollection of him, yet she was willing to accept him as her family immediately. It should have filled his heart with joy, but instead left him feeling more saddened than before.

“Yes, Ida?” Castiel asked, hugging her close.

“Can we really live with you?” Castiel looked up at Ms. Mosely, then back at Danny with Charlie and Gilda.

“I really hope so, Ida. I really do.” She wrapped her small arms around his neck, holding him close. Castiel put his arms around her small frame, squishing her against his body. He put his hand on the back of her head, relishing in the softness of her hair. He breathed in her scent of peppermint and, strangely, baby powder. She was perfect. But all five year olds squirm, and eventually she wanted to be released, popping up from his arms and grinning from ear to ear at her brother. Danny returned it with a small smile, but his eyes remained sad.

“Daniel?” Ms. Mosely asked. “Are you okay, son?” Danny nodded numbly, but looked away. Castiel stood, walking towards him and kneeling down.

“Are you alright?” Castiel mumbled lowly so no one else could hear. When their eyes connected, Danny’s showed fear.

“Please don’t take her away,” Danny begged, his eyes flashing to Ida.

“Oh, no, Danny, no,” Castiel murmured, placing a hand on his nephew’s arm.

“They all want a little girl, but no one wants me,” Danny sobbed. Castiel was quiet for a moment before he put his hands on Danny’s shoulders.

“I’m not going anywhere without you,” Castiel told him firmly. “Danny, I love you. And your sister, and I _promise_ you; you will never be separated. Ever. I promise.” Danny nodded, his lip quivering, and Castiel hugged him close. They stayed that way for a long time. No one interrupted them, not even Ida, who seemed to sense the gravity of the embrace. Eventually, Danny pulled away, his eyes as red as Castiel’s. Everyone had tears on their cheeks at this point in the reunion, and Charlie was hastily wiping them away from her eyes.

Castiel took Danny’s hand, a watery smile crossing his lips. He looked between his niece and nephew for a long moment.

“I’m so glad I found you,” was all he could manage to say.

He had never spoken truer words in all his life.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been seven weeks since Castiel was reunited with his niece and nephew, and it's the night before they're to come home. But will Castiel make it through parent-teacher night?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters in one, because I was bored and it works. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Just a final heads up before the actual chapter- I've officially written the renewed synopsis for this fic, and the death in this is going to be the tip of the iceberg. No spoilers, but this is going to be awful for both Dean and Castiel. Truly, truly awful. I don't want to scare you away, but I really feel you should all know what you're going into so you aren't too pissed.
> 
> BUT. BUT. THIS HAS A HAPPY ENDING. It's been decided! OFFICIAL HAPPY ENDING NOTICE!

It had been seven weeks since Castiel had first been reunited with his long lost niece and nephew, and he now found himself sitting on the couch with a ball of fear rolling around in his stomach, fingers nervously tapping on his leg and completely zoned out, oblivious to all of the chaos going on around him. He had made the drive from South Dakota to Nebraska seven times in seven weeks, staying at a motel and hiring a lawyer to work on the adoption, get advice, go before the judge, all of the things that were necessary. He would see the kids on the Saturday and Sunday, making sure he spent a good few hours with them before he went back home or back to the motel or to the lawyer’s office. When he called his mother and told her about the adoption, she was ecstatic and overjoyed, as well as saddened by the loss of Castiel’s brother. She insisted that he tell her when the kids were coming, and she would be up to stay with him for a couple of nights to get them settled.

It had been a long, long seven weeks. Juggling the travel and the family and his job was taking a toll on him, not to mention constant cleaning just in case there was a surprise home visit, which there often times was. Castiel often found himself falling asleep at three in the morning at his desk, waking up with barely any time to straighten out suit from the day before and grab his briefcase to get to school. Luckily, he was able to take a week off of school for the kids, so he could properly acquaint himself with them _and_ get some shut eye before the crazy started once more. The kids would be attending his school, Danny in the seventh grade and Ida in kindergarten. It turned out Castiel had been mistaken on Danny’s birthday; he thought it was in June, but that was Ida; Danny was born in December, so he was a little young for the seventh grade. They were to take their first week with Castiel off as well so they could settle into their new lives, but a week was all it was; they would be back in school with Castiel soon, and they would all start having a more hectic schedule.

All of these things were running through Castiel’s mind as he sat on the couch with his hands clasped before him, wondering what the kids would think of him and the house and their new life. Would they love him? Would having a whole new family around scare them? Did they even like cats? Castiel groaned, sinking back against the couch and closing his eyes. He felt it dip, and when he looked beside him, his mother was sitting down, a soft smile on her lips as she stroked his hair. He leaned into her shoulder with a sigh.

“Tomorrow’s the big day,” she murmured. He nodded his head, sitting up with a sigh. “Ten minutes. We’ll get everything ready while you’re gone, don’t worry. Everything will be perfect, Jim, I promise.” Castiel smiled, taking a hand and gently laying it on his mother’s face.

“What would I do without you?” he asked quietly.

“Crash and burn,” she said with a shrug. Castiel embraced her. He looked at his watch afterwards and found her to be right; he needed to leave for the school in ten minutes time to make sure he could be there twenty minutes early. People always showed up early, especially with the little ones, who wanted their parents to meet him early on. Parent-teacher night was usually his favourite night of the year, but right now it was causing him nothing but annoyance and frustration. All he wanted was Danny and Ida to be at his house tonight, but they couldn’t be, so he had to go out and discuss his students with their parents. And, of course, their parents meant two parents in particular. Namely, the Winchesters. Dean hadn’t crossed his mind since that night at Charlie’s, and suddenly, there he was, pressing on Castiel’s thoughts, making him think about things he didn’t have time to focus on.

“Cassie? Helloooo? Earth to Cassie!” Gabriel yelled, snapping his fingers in front of his brother’s face. “Sheesh, someone’s got a lot on their mind!”

“Sorry, Gabe, did you need something?” Castiel asked, realizing Maria had left, and that he was alone on the couch. He looked around, seeing Charlie dragging Gilda into the kitchen while Kali corralled her children. He saw that Maria was at the door, inviting Anna and Danielle in. Castiel smiled at his niece, who was looking more and more like her mother every day. Castiel remembered that dark Christmas, when he discovered about the nature of Danielle’s conception, and how Anna was struggling with her decision on whether she was going to keep the baby or not. Castiel was so incredibly happy that Anna had fallen in love immediately, and kept the baby in her life. Castiel couldn’t imagine not knowing this amazing person.

“Uncle Jimmy!” Danielle cried, running in with her boots on and catching Castiel in a hug just as he stood up. He hugged her back, spinning her around as she screamed, yelling at him to stop.

“How else will I teach you to take your shoes off?” he teased, looking down towards her boots. She rolled her eyes, bending down and untying them before chucking them in the hallway. Anna gave her a stern look before turning back to Maria.

“Smooth, Dan, real smooth,” Gabriel chuckled. She rolled her eyes. Castiel thought back to when little Charlotte was thirteen, and she was still a complete baby, even in the seventh grade. She had bright, large clothing and stuffed animals and messy hair, while Danielle seemed so… grown up. She was nothing like her cousin Charlotte, and while Castiel realized everyone was different, it seemed like, generation by generation, the kids just grew up so much faster. When he was little, he had a rock and a guinea pig to occupy himself with, while the kids nowadays had weird little Gameboys and Pokemon and Yugi-Oh, whatever the hell that was.

“Hey! Smoother than you!” Danielle retorted. Gabriel just shook his head.

“I’m _way_ smoother than you, squirt,” he insisted.

“Oh really?”

“Okay, you two, not the time!” Castiel told them, stepping in between them. Charlotte was already Gabrielle’s height, and Castiel had no idea where it came from. Well, he knew it must be from her father’s side, but he never made a comment on it.

“Uncle Jim, he’s being a dick!”

“Danielle! Language!” Anna snapped, walking into the room. Danielle rolled her eyes and Castiel raised his eyebrows, waiting for the shitstorm to go down. “Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady!”

“Whatever,” Danielle grumbled, moving away to join the others in the kitchen. Anna sighed, placing a hand to her temple.

“Are you sure you really want these kids when one has his foot in the teenager stage?” Anna asked, looking over at Castiel. Her words held a joking tone to them, but she looked very tired all the same. Castiel smiled fondly at her.

“Of course I’m sure,” he replied.

“Well, now I guess it’s official; the bachelor life is over! How do you feel, knowing you’ll be hearing the pitter patter of little feet and the murderous screams of ever loving children every morning?” Gabriel asked, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Pretty good, actually. I just… I wish I wasn’t taking them, you know?”

“No. I don’t. Are you having regrets, Cassie?” Gabriel asked, looking genuinely concerned.

“No! God no. I just can’t help thinking that they shouldn’t be with me. They should be with their parents, is what I mean.” Both of Castiel’s siblings were silent.

“Oh,” was all Anna said, reaching around to rub the back of her neck. Gabriel sniffled, excusing himself and walking into the kitchen to join the rest of the family.

“So! Now that I’ve brought up the saddest thing possible, why don’t you tell me how you and Danielle are?” Castiel asked, looking at Anna with a forced smile.

“Well, she’s doing great in school. Top of her classes, of course. She hates her teacher though, the woman’s a real bitch. Ms. Talbot. There’s a reason that woman is a Ms and not a Mrs. She really is awful.” Castiel laughed.

“I’ve actually met her! When I was at Vermillion she was there! She’s a real piece of work. I really wish she had just stayed in Britain to be honest with you.” Anna let loose a strangled laugh, trying to keep herself from giggling, but failing miserably.

“She’s absolutely nuts now,” Anna admitted.

“What about you?”

“Yeah, I’m nuts too.”

“No! No. I meant, how are you?”

“Oh. Good. I’ve been on a couple of dates recently.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. His name’s Carter, he’s pretty great.”

“I’ll have to meet him, you know.” Anna rolled her eyes.

“Castiel, you know I’m your _older_ sister, right?” she asked, grinning.

“Anna, you know I’ll always be a protective asshole when it comes to you, right?” She rolled her eyes. “Like mother like daughter.”

“Okay, okay. So, will there be a Mr. Novak raising these babies with you?” Anna asked, giving an eyebrow wiggle that would make Gabriel shed a proud tear. Castiel blushed. “Aha! There is!”

“No! No, there isn’t.”

“But you _want_ there to be. Who’s the lucky guy?”

“There isn’t, Anna, really.”

“Oh, I’m sure!”

“Jim! You’re going to be late!” Maria called, running into the living room. “Can’t you ever keep track of the time? Let’s go, let’s go!” Maria shooed him from the living room to the front hall without letting him say another word to Anna, promptly slamming the door behind him. Castiel’s brain took a moment to catch up and realize that getting in the car would probably be a good thing to do at this point and time. He walked down the few steps, opening his car door and grinning at the car seat that was in the back for little Ida. He slid behind the wheel, putting the key in the ignition and backing out. When he looked back at the window, he slammed on the brakes. All he saw was two ass cheeks pressed up against the pane. Castiel sat there for a moment with a look of pure and utter horror, and when Gabriel pulled away, he nearly fell over laughing at Castiel’s expression, pointing at him and laughing. Danielle was laughing on the couch, and soon Kali was in the room, yelling at Gabriel and thrusting Windex into his hands.

“Crazy. Just completely insane,” Castiel grumbled to himself, trying to somehow burn the image of his brother’s bare ass out of his mind. For probably the third time in his life. Awesome. He was driving down the street, laughing to himself about the sheer idiocy of the situation. Castiel loved his family. They were at his house getting it ready for him to bring two kids home for God’s sake. But at the same time, he often wished that he could disown Gabriel. No, he decided, life would be too boring without Gabriel. Even if he was an ass, he was _Castiel’s_ ass. And Kali’s now too, the poor woman. He smiled to himself as he finally pulled into the school parking lot, shaking his head and chuckling. At least Kali would make sure the ass prints were off the window by the time he came home.

Castiel greeted numerous parents, students and teachers as he made his way up to the third floor. He had miraculously gotten there with twenty minutes to spare, and when he reached his room, his door was already unlocked and open, but there were no students in it. Castiel shut off the light on his fish tank and dropped in some extra pellets for his little Betta friend, which the kids had renamed, which they did every year. This time around, his name was Captain Bubblepants. If anything, his kids were creative. Captain Bubblepants ate his pellets happily, and Castiel knew that he would end up turning the light back on soon enough; the kids would want to see him again, even if they had just seen him a few hours before during class. He dropped his briefcase on his desk, opening it and rifling through some notes and school work. A picture on his desk caught his eye, making him smile happily, as it did every time he saw it. It was that very first day, back those seven weeks ago. Ida and Danny each had a place on one of his knees, and Gilda and Charlie were beside him, grinning happily. All of them had puffy eyes, and when the kids saw the picture, they asked why he was crying. He had told them the truth; he had told them he was very happy. Castiel tore his eyes away from the picture when there was a knock on the door. It was Gilda, who must have left just after him.

“Come in, come in,” Castiel insisted, standing to greet her. She wrapped him in a hug. “Sorry, I would have offered you a ride, but my mother whisked me out.”

“Oh, don’t be silly, Jim. I understand!” She stepped back, looking around the room, her eyes landing on Captain Bubblepants. “What did you say that little guy’s name was?”

“The kids call him Captain Bubblepants.”

“I wonder who came up with that,” she chuckled.

“I think we all know it was Jay Michaels with Ben Winchester to back her up.”

“Mark my words, those two will get married one day,” she said, shaking her head.

“That would be interesting,” Castiel replied, grinning at the thought of that wedding. Jay, in a rainbow coloured dress with her hair still completely uncontrolled, walking down the aisle to greet Ben, who would probably _still_ be wearing a band t shirt from the seventies, but with a suit jacket over top and a tie. Castiel was in hysterics at the thought, leaning over and grabbing his side.

“What? What’s so funny?” Gilda asked, soon laughing just as hard as Castiel, for no reason whatsoever.

“Just- could you imagine that wedding?”

“Oh my, they’d have to split it between old cars and unicorns! Wouldn’t that be a sight!” Gilda gasped. Soon enough, they straightened up, trying to compose themselves. Gilda straightened Castiel’s tie while Castiel smoothed down the collar on her blouse. “I’m off to my room! I’ll see at the house, Jim!” And just like that, Gilda was gone. Castiel sat back down at his desk and checked his watch. Before he could make out the hands, there was another knock. He looked up to see a young looking man with a young looking, pregnant woman. And, running around the desks to Castiel, was Jay.

“Mr. Novak, Mr. Novak!” she cried, head butting his midsection when he stood and wrapping her thin arms around him and squeezing. Castiel patted her head, looking towards her parents with an awkward smile. Her father looked embarrassed, but her mother just laughed, shaking her head.

“Jayda! Let him go before you suffocate the poor man!” Mrs. Michaels called. Jay reluctantly let Castiel go, stepping back and bouncing on her heels. Before Castiel could open his mouth, Jay had her little hand wrapped in his and was dragging him across the room to meet her parents.

“Daddy, this is Mr. Novak, he’s the best teacher ever! And he’s gonna have kids! And he let me name the fish! And he reallyreally likes my pictures, he says they’re reallyreally good and he hung one up and-”

“Jay, baby, settle down,” Mr. Michaels told her, leaning down and placing a hand over her mouth, grinning at the young girl. She rolled her eyes and stepped back. Mr. Michaels held out his hand.

“Tyler Michaels. My wife, Serena,” he said, looking over at the grinning woman.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Novak. We’ve heard nothing but good reviews,” Serena said with a smile.

“Please, call me Jim,” Castiel said, shaking her hand as well.

“See, Mr. Novak, I told you I was gonna have a little baby sister and I’m gonna fix up her hair and mama says she hopes it isn’t as wild as mine and daddy likes my hair, but mama says he doesn’t need to deal with the twigs that get stuck in it and sometimes mama wants to shave my head but I like my hair and-”

“Jayda, sweetie, why don’t you wait outside while your mother and I speak with Mr. Novak?” Tyler asked, interrupting the run on sentence.

“Okay, daddy!” she said cheerily, skipping outside and taking a seat on a chair.

“Sorry about that, we couldn’t find a sitter,” Serena told him.

“Oh, it’s no problem at all. Jayda always brightens my day,” Castiel told them.

“Wait, Mr. Novak, Captain Bubblepants needs light!” Jay shrieked suddenly, jumping up from her chair and zooming past her parents to reach the fish tank, promptly clicking the light on and waving a hello to the multi coloured fish before running back to the hall.

“Jay! No running!” Tyler called. Castiel closed the door.

“We have teacher’s aids in the halls for students, she’ll be perfectly safe out there,” Castiel assured them. “Please, come over to my desk.” The Michaels followed him there, taking seats at the desks. “Obviously Jay is a very high strung child, but it really is an honour to have her in my class. While I admit I often times catch her drawing while she should be doing math, she’s very good at what she does, and I would like to tell you that she has made some beautiful pieces. She’s incredibly smart, and when you apply techniques that interest her in normally boring subjects, she really excels,” Castiel told them.

“This is the very first time we’ve come to a meeting and not heard ‘Oh _you’re_ the parents of the crazy little black girl’, Mr. Novak- Jim. And for that, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart,” Serena said, and Castiel could see tears in her eyes. He was taken aback.

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked.

“Well,” Tyler began, “so many teachers have told us she has something wrong with her, ADD or ADHD or something of the like, which is ridiculous, because there’s nothing _wrong_ with having those things, but these people just don’t seem to understand that Jay is energetic, is all. And, as you can see, this school is mostly white kids, and last year Jay had a very… racist teacher, and it didn’t end well. We were nervous about this year and the teacher she would have, but you are the literal definition of perfect.” Castiel was speechless. He looked between the two of them for a moment before he finally spoke.

“Does that teacher still work at this school?” Castiel asked.

“No, they left after last year.” Castiel nodded.

“Allow me to assure you that energetic people will get along just fine in life. I have a brother who is constantly bouncing off the walls, and for years we wondered, will he do anything with his life? And now he has his own business. I have high hopes for Jay and for what she can do with her life,” Castiel told them. Serena wiped tears away from her eyes.

“Damn hormones,” she muttered.

“Oh, and you might want to have this,” Castiel said, flipping open his briefcase. “It’s some of her best work.” The picture was drawn by Jay, and had her parents smiling in the corner while she played with her new sister, joined by Ben and Emma Winchester, or so she told Castiel.

“Who are these kids?” Tyler asked, pointing at the Winchesters.

“According to Jay, it’s Ben and Emma Winchester.” Serena laughed aloud and covered her mouth with her hand.

“If there’s anyone that trumps you at the dinner table for conversation, it’s Ben Winchester,” Tyler chuckled.

“Be sure to invite me to the wedding one day,” Castiel told them jokingly, causing both parents to laugh along with him.

When the three, soon to be four, Michaels left, the next family came in. And the next and the next and the next until he had seen just over half of his student’s parents.

The last person to wander in, just before nine at night, was Dean Winchester.

………..*

[Dean]

………..*

Eight weeks ago, Dean had gone and talked to Castiel in the morning after a long and tiresome argument with himself.

And, judging by the fact that it had been eight weeks with no response from Cas, he had fucked it up royally.

Now, it was parent-teacher night and he was about to be forced to sit and interact with Cas for God knows how long. Lisa was in another state, pitching an ad for some big wig company, and Dean was alone with the kids and Adam (so, basically, just the kids) for four days while she got to stay in a fancy hotel. They weren’t on the best terms at the moment. They, like all married couple, had their rough patches and times when they wanted to rip each other’s throats out, but this was… odd. Usually, there was screaming and yelling, but no, it was silence. Lisa wouldn’t kiss him, wouldn’t touch him, wouldn’t talk to him. Sure, every once in a while, he got that everyone needed their space, but this had been going on for almost two months now. And before that, she had been growing distant for probably half a year, but Dean didn’t really notice it until it escalated and she just _stopped_. If she didn’t want sex, fine, he would give up sex for her if he had to. But not talking to him? He was going fucking crazy, and he couldn’t help it when he exploded at her.

_“What did I fucking do?” Dean finally screamed one night in bed, sitting up and flicking on the light._

_“What?” Lisa asked foggily, sitting up slowly and looking at him with concern._

_“Lisa, it’s been weeks since you gave me the time of day, and it’s been a long ass time since we were_ us _. What did I do? What did I say to make you want to stop talking to me?”_

_“Dean, it isn’t you.”_

_“Oh, let me guess, it’s you, right?”_

_“It is, Dean. I just… need some space right now, okay?”_

_“For almost two fucking months? And then the past six months?”_

_“What about the past six months?” she had snapped._

_“You have been… you. You’ve been quiet, nice-”_

_“Wow, glad you thought I was a big mouthed asshole before, Dean.”_

_“You know it’s not like that. You used to argue with me and tell me when I was being a douche and snap at me to do my own damn dishes, and now you seem…”_

_“Seem what, Dean?”_

_“I don’t know… guilty. Lisa, you’ve been acting really fucking guilty for six months, but I’m only really noticing now. Because now I’ve had two months of you avoiding me to look back and try to figure out how I fucked up.”_

_“Dean, please-”_

_“This is the most we’ve talked since… shit, since I told you, that night on the couch. Is that what this is about?”_

_“What!? No, Dean, Christ no!”_

_“Yeah, well, I’m gonna head down to the couch anyway. You wanted space, right? Well, here, take the whole fucking bed,” Dean had told her, flipping off the covers and going down the stairs. When he awoke, Lisa had gone to work and left him to take care of the kids._

Dean was sitting at the counter, feet proper up, tipping a beer back into his mouth. The stupid ass interview wasn’t for a few more hours, so he could drink and not worry about alcohol content levels and all that shit. That big fight had been all of two days ago, and now Lisa was gone for four. Maybe this little break was what they needed. He just wanted to know what he could do to fix things, to make her want him again, if that was the problem. He just wanted to know what the goddam problem was, for fuck’s sake! Growling under his breath, Dean took a long swig from his beer.

“Something wrong?” Adam asked, sitting down across from his brother and popping the cap off of his own beer. Dean shook his head.

“Naw, just some marriage bullshit,” he told him. Adam nodded.

“Anything I can do?”

“Moving out anytime soon?”

“Nope.”

“Then I guess not.” Adam rolled his eyes.

“Come on, you know you’d miss me. Who else would laugh at your jokes?”

“Ben. Ben likes my jokes.”

“Ben doesn’t even get your jokes.”

“Oh, shut up Sammy! Fuck. Oh, fuck, Adam, I’m so fucking sorry. Jesus Christ I’m a fuck up, I’m so sorry,” Dean said, eyes widening as he realized his mistake. Adam waved off.

“Don’t worry, man, I get it, I’m just as smart and wonderful and tall as Sam, so you can’t tell the difference,” Adam said with a wink. Dean smirked.

“Yeah, sure you are, kid,” he replied. “But really, you remind me of him. You’re awesome, okay? Know that you’re awesome, and I actually like having you around for some reason, but… I just miss him you know?”

“Yeah, I know. You call enough anyway,” Adam said, chugging down a quarter of his beer.

“I don’t call him that much,” Dean muttered. Adam coughed a laugh.

“Dean, you’re like an overly protective girlfriend! You call him like twice a day!”

“Yeah, well… screw you!” Dean retorted, satisfied with his answer. Adam smirked over his beer.

“Defeated again by the intelligent brother.”

“And won’t you be put in your place when the _real_ intelligent brother comes home for Christmas,” Dean retorted.

“Did you just call yourself stupid?”

“Sometimes sacrifices are made for the greater good, Adam. Get with the program.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“In the great words of Bobby Singer, ‘Idjit’.”

“I’ll drink to that.” They sat in the silence for a moment, which was surprisingly comfortable, since they had really only known each other for four years now. It was funny how quickly Dean adapted to Adam being around.

“It’s quiet,” Adam commented.

“Too quiet,” Dean mumbled, standing and scraping his chair back.

“Just leave them alone,” Adam whined.

“You never know with young kids, Adam. Someone could be dead.” Adam rolled his eyes.

“You’re such a dad.”

“Damn straight, and I was at your age too, so soak up these glorious years, young Padawan.”

“If you don’t stop making Star Wars references, I’m moving out.”

“References, make I will,” Dean told him, laughing to himself as he climbed the stairs. “Children! We need dinner, and since your mother isn’t home, I was thinking pizza!” Dean yelled, getting a loud cheer from Adam below, but no response from the other three. He knocked on Emma’s door with no response. After a second knock, he entered, finding her on her bed with headphones on, eyes closed and drumming the air. With a grin, Dean pulled out his phone, snapping pictures. He put it away before he approached her, not wanting her preteen reaction to having her picture taken, much less an embarrassing one. He pulled out one of her earphones, and she screamed, her eyes flashing open and her fist connecting with his gut. He let out a loud _oof_ , stepping back.

“Oh, crap, sorry dad!” Emma yelled, covering her mouth with one hand and reaching towards Dean with the other.

“And so the student becomes the master,” Dean grumbled.

“Really, dad? You’re _still_ cracking jokes?”

“It’s the only thing in my job description,” he told her, straightening up. “Nice punch, kiddo. Now, as for a very serious matter; pizza for dinner?”

“Yeah, sure, just make it cheese.”

“Of course, _your highness_.” Emma began putting her headphones back in. “What are you listening to, anyways?” Dean grabbed a headphone and got a blast of _Hey Jude_. A lump formed in his throat, and he immediately gave her back the headphone, leaving the room.

“Dad?” she called, jumping off the bed. “You okay?” She placed a hand on his arm.

“What? Yeah, no, just fine, baby. I’ll get you when dinner’s ready,” Dean told her with a forced smile. She put a hand on her hip and gave Dean a bitchface her Uncle Sam would be proud of.

“Dad. Spill.”

“Emma, you don’t want to hear your old dad’s woes. It’s fine.”

“It’s just a song, dad,” she insisted.

“I know, sweetie, I know. When I was a baby, your grandma, she would sing me that, and then she’d tell me the angels were watching,” Dean told her, clearing his throat and looking away.

“Oh,” was all Emma said. She moved forwards, pulling Dean into a hug. He was surprised by the action, and hugged her back tightly, running his fingers through her hair.

“Thanks, baby,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head.

“Did you ever sing it to us?” Emma asked, voice muffled by Dean’s shirt.

“I did. Once, with each of you, and that was it. I wanted to keep the tradition going,” Dean told her.

“I’ll keep it going, dad.”

“Thank you, baby,” he replied, squeezing her tightly, and dammit, a tear _did not_ drop out of his eye. Emma pulled away and Dean turned, hastily wiping the _not tear_ off of his face before she saw.

“I won’t play it anymore, it’s okay.”

“No! No. It’s a good song. It demands to be played,” Dean insisted. Emma smiled sadly at him.

“Whatever, dad.”

“Atta girl. I’ll call you when dinner’s here,” Dean told her, watching as she went back to her bed, flopping down and putting in one earphone while opening up a book. He craned his neck. What the fuck was Twilight? She read the back, and opened the first page. Dean watched for a moment, and had to control his laughter when she made a noise of disgust, flipping it off the bed. She reached behind her and pulled out another one, which turned out to be something called Supernatural. Whatever the hell that was. Dean moved away, strolling down the hall and pounding on Timmy’s door. When he opened it, he found Timmy asleep with a book on his chest. Dean closed the door lightly, moving on to Ben’s room, once again knocking and entering.

“Hey dad,” Ben said, looking up briefly before scribbling away on a piece of paper, his arms covered in marker.

“What the hell are you doing?” Dean asked, an amused smile on his face.

“I’m making a card for you to take to Mr. Novak. He’s leaving for a week, because of his kids, and I want to make him one,” Ben explained. The blood drained from Dean’s face.

“Kids? What do you mean kids? Ca- Mr. Novak doesn’t have any kids.”

“He’s adopting them. I thought I told you. Maybe it was mom. They’re his niece and nephew. One of them will be in Emma’s class,” Ben told him.

“Oh,” was all Dean could manage, relief flooding through him. Cas hadn’t knocked some girl up. Thank Christ. Wait a minute! No! Who gives a shit if Cas knocks some girl up? Certainly not Dean Winchester! Castiel can fuck whoever he wants! And Dean, he certainly didn’t care. At least that was what Dean told himself. Over and over again. Dean shook his head, moving over to Ben and crouching down. “What’re you drawing?”

“It’s the Impala. Mr. Novak says I’m real good at cars. So it’s Mr. Novak and his kids in the Impala! He says he really likes the Impala.”

“Does he?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, he saw it one day, he said. And I drew it. It was the picture I showed you on the first day!”

“Of course, that was a great picture, buddy!”

“Thanks, dad! I’ll draw you one after this!”

“Sounds great. Hey, since mom’s gone, I thought we’d have _pizza_.”

“Really!?”

“Yep! What do you want? I know Timmy and Emma like cheese, the weirdos, but you and me and Adam can have a _manly pizza_.”

“Just because Timmy likes cheese doesn’t mean he isn’t a man, dad,” Ben told him. Dean was taken aback.

“You’re right, Ben, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. What kind do you want?”

“Pepperoni!”

“Sounds good! I’ll go order now.”

“Okay, can you call me when it gets here?”

“No problem, bud.”

“Thanks!” Dean left the room, closing the door behind him. He went back into Timmy’s room, sliding the book off of his chest and taking his glasses off, delicately folding them on the bedside table. He gently pulled Timmy’s blanket over top of him and kissed his forehead. Dean left the room, walking by Emma’s to see her lying on her back, engrossed in whatever the hell that book was about. Dean went down the stairs and called the pizza place, ordering one medium cheese and one large pepperoni to their address.

He then found that his legs weren’t working, and he was on the ground, leaning up against the wall.

“Dean! Hey, you okay, man?” Adam asked, leaving his chair and running over to Dean.

“Yeah, yeah, fine,” Dean told him, grabbing Adam’s arm when he offered it and pulling himself to his feet. “Shit, sorry, man.”

“Are you okay? What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know, man. Look, I’m gonna call Sammy, might be a while. I’ll- I’ll be back in a bit, okay?”

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“You can talk to me too.”

“You don’t want any part of this shit, Adam, trust me on that.”

“When you nut up and decide I’m worth your time, I’ll be here.”

“Adam, it isn’t like that.”

“I accepted that Sam was the favourite brother a long time ago.”

“He isn’t!”

“Are you sure?” Dean opened his mouth, then closed it. With a sigh, he crashed into a chair, running his hands through his hair.

“Adam, have I ever told you how Lisa and I met?”

“Actually… no. You haven’t,” Adam said slowly, sitting down in the chair opposite of Dean.

“We were at a party in University, a friend introduced us, and we hit it off. We had a great time together, man, and I don’t know what happened, but…”

“But?” Adam prompted, seeming genuinely interested for some godforsaken reason.

“She lost interest. We went on a break.”

“Well shit.”

“Yeah. And, uh, when we were on break, I met this girl, in the library.”

“Do you have a secret child?”

“No, Adam, shut the fuck up. I met this girl in the library, gave her my number. Apparently, she used it as a bookmark. Do you know what happened?” Adam shook his head. Dean huffed out a laugh, folding his arms over his chest. “Man, I get a call from this guy, and he’s like ‘I found your number in a book, so I called it.’ Of course, I met up with the guy. His name was Castiel. You’re too young to know about the angels.”

“The angels? What is that, a band?”

“No, it’s not. Adam, I- I can’t tell you anymore. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you won’t look at me the same, just like everyone else I’ve told.”

“Dean, come on, don’t be stupid.”

“I’m not being stupid. For just a second, I thought maybe, but… no. It’s best if I let this die.”

“Dean, you _need_ to tell me now, c’mon!”

“I assure you that you don’t want to know.”

“Don’t be an ass. Just spit it out.”

“His name was Castiel, okay? And we met up, talked for a bit. Then Sam and I took him out to dinner.”

“And?”

“And he ended up in the hospital after he passed out.”

“Oh, shit! That’s fucking hilarious! Man, you’re great at making friends!” Dean rolled his eyes.

“After he was released, we became really good friends. Best friends, actually, and we had our little group. Me and Cas and Charlie and Ruby and Garth. God, those were good times. Real good times. Everything was cool for a long while.”

“And then?”

“Adam, I think I should just call Sam and tell him about my midlife crisis, because, to be honest, this is completely unimportant to the main issue.”

“Well then tell me the main issue after this fucking story!” Dean ran a hand through his hair, and wouldn’t look at Adam.

“Just, don’t hate me, okay?” Adam rolled his eyes and gestured for him to continue. “And then Cas had a major fucking panic attack. Like, really, really bad. I didn’t know what to do. So I called his brother, and he came by. I stayed with Cas that night, all night, made sure he was breathing okay and all that shit.” Dean stopped again, flashing back to all those years ago when he had held Castiel close.

“Dean, seriously, stop going back in time.”

“And then I kissed him in the morning.” The silence that surrounded Dean was suffocating. Adam was very, very quiet. Dean didn’t dare look up. Adam stood, and Dean expected him to leave, to kick his ass, to call him a faggot, tell him he was everything wrong with the world, like John would if he knew. Adam instead sat down beside Dean.

“Dean,” he said. “Dean, look at me.” Dean slowly turned his head, waiting for an explosion. Adam was quiet and calm. He smiled. “Keep telling the story.” Dean felt his heart break. Adam didn’t care. No matter how many people knew, he would never stop being afraid of admitting who he was, Dean knew that. But the acceptance would warm him from head to toe every time.

“Any we dated, for four months. It was a good four months. I went to Christmas with him. It was… unpleasant. But it was Christmas anyway. And, uh, and then we went back to my place, because some real bad shit went down at Christmas. And when we got back to my place, Lisa, she came by. And she was pregnant with Emma.” Adam looked away this time, chewing on his lip and nodding. “And so, I had to help Lisa, and raise the baby, and I left Cas, just left him. And then I forgot. For years and years I forgot about him and never once felt guilty. But now, now I feel so damn guilty, it keeps eating me, I keep wondering ‘What if I had just said it differently? What if I had explained it better?’ But I didn’t, and now I can’t stop feeling like shit over it. And basically, my midlife crisis right now is that I feel like shit over something that happened a lifetime ago and I keep freaking out that I’m bisexual.”

“After what, thirteen years? Dean, it’s been long enough that you don’t need to feel guilty. Really.”

“But I do, Adam. And I think I always will.”

“What’s brought this on, Dean?”

“His name was Castiel, Adam. Castiel Novak.” Dean let that sit for a moment before it finally clicked in his brother’s mind.

“Oh _shit._ Oh _shit_. No fucking way.”

“Yeah. And Adam, you gotta know, I love Lisa with all my heart, she’s my _everything_ , even now, when we’re fighting. I _love her_. I have no feelings for him, I just… I just feel so awful about what I did.”

“It’s understandable, Dean, I mean, you shoved away all this shit for the kids and for Lisa, and now you have no way to deal with them. But talking helps. And I know you can’t talk to Lisa, and Sam’s real busy, but you can talk to me. We’re family.” Dean smiled.

“Thank you, Adam. So much. Really.”

“No problem. So. I guess this makes you a little gay, huh?” Dean chuckled.

“Just half gay.”

“So that’s a thing?”

“Yeah, bisexual.”

“Really? Damn. That explains my friend Vic, at least. Guy stares at our friend Jake’s ass just as much as our friend Jen,” Adam chuckled, shaking his head.

“It’s a lot to take in, I know.”

“Not really. You’re still you, Dean. I know you think your family will just leave you if you change yourself, but they won’t. We all love you.”

“Thanks, man.” The doorbell rang, and Dean shoved to his feet, grabbing his wallet to pay for the two pizzas and bring them in. He set them on the table before going upstairs and knocking on Emma’s open door. She was still reading.

“Pizza?” she asked.

“Pizza,” he told her. She rolled off the bed, her headphone falling out, and ran past Dean with the book still in her hand. When Dean opened Timmy’s door, the kid was out cold. Dean moved on to Ben’s room, and told his little Picasso that dinner was ready. Ben shoved to his feet, and by the time they made it down, Emma was leaving the kitchen with a plate of food.

“Whoa there!” Dean said, grabbing her book from her and inspecting the cover. “What’s this crap?”

“Dad!”

“Who are these two?”

“Sal and Dan, they’re ghost hunters who cross the country killing things.” Dean raised an eyebrow.

“ _That’s_ what you’re reading?”

“Yeah, it’s really good! Can I go now?” she begged. Dean grunted a yes, and she swiped the book, heading upstairs. Ben was sitting at the table with Adam, neither of them bothering with a plate as they ate their pizza.

“Hey, Adam?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we stow the touchy feely shit? Like, forever?” Adam snickered.

“Yeah, sure, Dean. It’s cool.”

“Touchy feely?” Ben asked through a mouthful of pizza.

“See, Ben, your dad secretly has a heart,” Adam said in a mocking tone.

“Shut up,” Dean grumbled, taking a bite of pizza. Ben shrugged, eating more pizza.

Within the hour, Dean was at the school, alone for parent-teacher interview night. He had a lovely chat with Timmy and Emma’s teachers, and soon enough, he was standing outside of Cas’ door, completely unsure of whether he should enter or not. But, it was too late.

Cas looked up and saw him.

……….*

[Castiel]

………..*

“Mr. Winchester, please come in,” Castiel said smoothly, standing and gesturing towards Dean.

“Oh, Mr. Winchester, is it?” Dean asked, entering the classroom and looking around, eyes landing on the fish.

“Dean, then,” Castiel said, his smile wavering slightly.

“How you been, Cas?”

“Getting by.” They looked at each other for a moment, just staring into other’s eyes, a million unspoken ‘I’m sorry’s being thrown from Dean’s expression at Castiel. Dean broke the contact, digging into his pocket and pulling out a piece of paper. He walked forwards, placing it in Castiel’s hand. Castiel looked at it and saw the Impala, with himself, Ida and Danny in the front seat. He smiled down at the loopy cursive writing that read ‘Congratulations, Mr. Novak!’ Castiel looked up at Dean from the photo.

“Ben?” he asked.

“Signed his name and everything,” Dean said, coming to stand beside Castiel and pointing at the scribbles near the bottom that were evidently Ben Winchester’s initials.

“He and Jay certainly are promising artists,” Castiel informed him.

“Ben just loves Jay, blushes every time I bring her up, the little flirt,” Dean told him, a grin dominating his face. Castiel smiled back.

“I’m glad to hear, I wouldn’t want this to just be one sided. So, we’re here to talk about Ben,” Castiel said, turning to face Dean and stepping back, since he was _way_ too close right now. Castiel’s chest hammered in his chest, and he quickly yelled at it to shut the fuck up in his mind.

“Right, yeah, Ben,” Dean said, turning to sit in a chair when he spied the picture of Castiel with the kids. “Your niece and nephew?” Dean gestured to the picture.

“Oh. Yes. Ida and Daniel Wheeler, my brother’s children,” Castiel said, picking up the photo and showing it to Dean.

“Holy shit, is that Charlie Bradbury? And Ms. Meeks?”

“Yes, that’s Charlie. They’re partners.”

“No shit? Ms. Meeks is Timmy’s teacher. Wow.”

“Yes, they were to adopt the children, and then we discovered that they are my niece and nephew,” Castiel told him.

“How does someone just ‘discover’ that?” Dean asked, returning the picture.

“It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got time.” Dean sat down, looking at Castiel expectantly. And soon, Castiel was telling him the entire story, everything from Charlie’s house to the adoption agency to the kids coming home the next day. Dean listened intently. And, when Castiel finished, Dean said, “I’m real sorry about your brother, Cas.”

“Thank you, Dean. He’s missed dearly.”

“I know how you feel, missing someone like that…” Dean trailed off. Castiel looked away.

“You know, Danny will be joining Emma’s class. Perhaps she would enjoy coming over sometime, socializing with Danny.” Dean’s face brightened.

“Yeah, that could be fun! She could use some more friends.”

“And I’m sure Daniel would enjoy a new friend.” They lapsed into silence. “So, Ben.”

“Right! Yeah, Ben, the entire reason why I’m here.”

“He’s a very good student, when he puts his mind to it at least. He often times seems troubled, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah, uh, well, his mother and I have been having some troubles lately.”

“Oh?”

“Nothing serious, he just tends to imitate our moods sometimes.” Castiel nodded.

“It happens. Hopefully he’ll bounce back soon, and I’ll be sure to let you know if this behaviour continues.”

“Thanks, Cas. I appreciate it. The kid usually tells me everything, but when it comes to his mother and I, he shuts right up.”

“A lot of kids don’t handle rough spots in marriages well, even if it’s just one fight. He’ll be fine, though.”

“I hope so.”

“His school work is done very well. He’s top of the class in cursive writing, and he’s very good at math.”

“Looks like he’ll be in the garage with me one day.”

“Could be. It’s probably thanks to your garage that he picks the math up so easily.”

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Why didn’t you ever call?” The room fell silent.

“We’re here to discuss Ben.”

“I know, I know, but I just really want an answer.”

“You can’t always get what you want.”

“Was that a Rolling Stones reference?”

“What?”

“Never mind. Let me rephrase it, okay? What drove you away? What can I do, to make myself easier for you to be around? How can I stop being a dick?”

“Dean, it isn’t that you’re a dick. Well, you kind of are. But that’s not really the point. The point is that you were very rude in that mess of an apology. You called my life predictable, boring. It hurt me, Dean, to have someone refer to my whole existence as boring. It may sound ridiculous, but it really did hurt. And you seem to just be throwing my own feelings to the side. You want friendship. I also would enjoy friendship. But my heart, it still wants something else, if I’m being completely frank here.” Dean was quiet.

“I can’t give you more than I already am.”

“I understand. I just ask that if we rekindle this friendship, the least you can do is not stomp all over my life and dis me in the ways that you did. I’m not even sure you meant what you said, or at least understood the kind of impact it would have on me. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.”

“I’m sorry, Cas, I really am. I’m just an ass who has a big mouth. I miss you, man. I miss how things were, when we were friends.”

“Yes, I also miss that you would be constantly trying to hydrate me, every waking second,” Castiel commented dryly. Dean chuckled. “Dean, I need you to understand something.”

“Okay.”

“When we were friends, the first time around. It can’t be like that. This has to be one hundred percent platonic with no chances of either of us ever hinting at anything more.

“I’m married now, Cas.”

“And I get that. But I mean passing side comments too. I just can’t handle it.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“And we need to start off slow. This is a good start. Maybe we can get coffee sometime.”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“Anyway. Is there anything else you would like to discuss about Ben?” Castiel asked, completely changing the subject.

“Uh, no. I think we’re good.”

“Good,” Castiel said, rising and putting the picture Ben drew into his briefcase before closing it and flicking off the fish tank light.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Thank you. For this second chance.” Castiel smiled.

“Don’t make me regret it,” he said in a dark tone. Dean nodded. They headed towards the door, and Castiel locked it.

“And Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Good luck with those kids. They’re really lucky to have you.” Castiel nodded, and Dean left. He stood for a moment, soaking in the conversation, and realized he was happy with himself for how things had happened.

Castiel descended the stairs, and all that was on his mind was the adoption. There was no lingering trace of Dean Winchester.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel finally brings home his niece and nephew after long weeks of waiting.

Castiel pulled into his driveway at long last after the three and a half hour drive. Of course, Ida needed a bathroom break, so that slowed down the journey. Especially when Castiel may or may not have purchased the kids whatever they wanted for snacks from the gas station. He just couldn’t say no, and the kids caught on pretty quick. Besides, it had all been worth it when Danny smiled. Actually, genuinely _smiled_ when Castiel said ‘Sure, I’ve been wanting to see that movie for years.’ and proceeded to let him buy two movies for five dollars each. Now they were home, and Castiel felt as if he was in a dream world. His driveway already had a car in it, his mother’s, who was staying with them for two days to get to know the kids. Anna, Gabriel, and Charlie’s cars were parked along the house. He had of course cleared it with the kids before he invited them over. Ida had been overjoyed, and couldn’t wait to meet her new and old family. Danny had been incredibly nervous, but at the prospect of at least a few familiar faces, and that it would make his sister happy, he reluctantly agreed.

Now, Danny was sliding out of the back of the car, hands in his pockets as he looked up at the house. Castiel quickly unbuckled Ida from her car seat after practicing the feat for a week now, and was holding her bouncing body in his arms. She was grinning from ear to ear.

“This is the house?” she asked, loud enough to blow one of Castiel’s eardrums.

“It sure is,” he told her, a smile forming on his lips.

“It’s so big,” she gasped, eyes wide in awe.

“It’s real nice,” Danny commented, suddenly beside Castiel.

“We can get your bags later. Are you ready to go inside?” he asked. Danny looked warily from his nodding sister to the house and back.

“How many people?” Danny questioned quietly.

“Charlie and Gilda, Uncle Gabriel, Aunt Kali, Aaron and Peter, Aunt Anna, Danielle, and Maria, my mother. So, nine people. If you feel uncomfortable at any time, tell me, and I’ll let you go off on your own, okay?” Danny nodded.

“Can I see my room? Before I meet everyone.”

“Of course,” Castiel told him. He had told everyone not to come outside and not to rush to the door. He had made sure they all knew to just stay in the living room and remain quiet, and to let the kids greet them at their own pace. Danny let out a breath.

“Can I bring Ida?” he asked, looking up at his sister, who was waiting very patiently to go inside. Castiel set Ida on her feet, and she straightened out her dress, smiling up at her brother and taking his hand in hers. Danny gave her a small smile back, squeezing her hand.

“Are you ready?” Castiel asked, looking at the two.

“Let’s gooooo!” Ida whined, dragging a more reluctant Danny forwards. Castiel followed closely behind, and when Ida opened the door, the excited chatter stopped. The only sounds were soft purring and the twins squealing when Gabriel tickled them as the trio walked in the door. Blushing furiously, all of Ida’s self-confidence seemed to vanish, and she was now hiding behind Castiel, peeking out from behind his leg at the people in the room. Castiel saw his mother hurriedly wipe a tear from her eye, and if Gabriel cleared his throat and looked away as well, no one commented. Danny’s lips were set in a firm line and he kept a death grip on his sister’s hand.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” Castiel murmured. Both children nodded, and, looking back with a thumbs up to his family, Castiel led them up the stairs.

“ _Kitty_!” Ida gushed, ripping away from her brother and sprinting the rest of the flight to scoop Levi into her arms, squishing her face against his. Castiel felt his stomach drop, and was about to take the cat away in fear that he would scratch, but was shocked when Leviathan was completely calm, closing his eyes and purring at Ida stroked his fur. Danny had gone pale next to Castiel, and the boy looked panicked now that Ida, his rock, was gone.

“Danny, hey, do you want to keep going?” Castiel asked softly.

“I guess,” he mumbled, eyes zeroed in on Ida. She set the cat down, promising to be back later, and dutifully returned to Danny’s side, taking his hand in her own and leading him up the stairs. Castiel moved past them and walked them to the first door.

“This is the bathroom,” he told them, opening the door. Due to the travel distance, the kids hadn’t had a chance to visit his house at all, so a full tour was needed. Luckily, it was only four in the evening, so they had time to get used to the place before bed. Moving to the next door, Castiel opened it to reveal a bland room with a small child’s bed. “Ida, this is your room. I was thinking that tomorrow we could go out and buy you some new sheets and other things for decorating. What do you think?” He turned to find her gazing in awe at the room.

“It’s really all mine?” she breathed.

“Yes, baby, all yours,” Castiel told her. She turned, hugging him fiercely. He pet her head gently, leaning down to fully embrace her. When she moved away, they went to the next room, opening the door to reveal Danny’s room, which had a twin bed, a side table with a lamp, and a desk in the corner. Danny inched forwards, going to the dresser and picking up a small, framed picture that was there. Ida watched curiously, her hand in Castiel’s. Castiel’s heart clenched when he heard Danny’s loud intake of breath. The boy sat on the bed, staring at the picture, tears falling on his cheeks. Castiel moved forwards quickly, brow creased with worry. “I didn’t know if you would want it. I can take it away-”

“No!” Danny yelled, looking shocked at how loud his voice was. “No,” he repeated, softer. “It’s perfect. Thank you.” Danny’s eyes fell back to the picture, and he stroked the faces that were there. Castiel went back to the doorway where Ida waited, giving Danny a minute.

Every year at their family groupings, they took a picture of everyone that showed up. Including the year that Daniel Wheeler and his family had attended. Castiel always saved the pictures. Always. He had put the one from that year in the frame for Danny. In it, Daniel, Liz, Danny, Ida, Gabriel, Kali, Anna, Danielle and many, many other siblings and nieces and nephews were all smiling happily, Castiel included. He was unsure if it would be a happy for sad memory for Danny, and took a gamble. He was glad it was a happy one. He remembered giving a copy to Daniel before he left, but with the accident, Castiel assumed it must have perished.

“Uncle Cassie?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Why is Danny crying?”

“That picture has your mommy and daddy in it. He misses them a lot,” Castiel explained. Silently, Ida walked into her brother’s new room, jumping up beside him on the bed. He wrapped his arm around her, and pointed out their parents. Castiel watched from the doorway.

“Castiel?” he heard, turning to find Gabriel with Aaron. “I know you don’t want us to interrupt. Pipsqueak has to pee.” Aaron grinned up at his uncle, waving from Gabriel’s side. Castiel waved back.

“It’s fine. I really need to install a bathroom downstairs, though.”

“The stairs _are_ a pain.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“You used my full name,” he mumbled.

“Oh? Did I? Slip of the tongue. Anyways, gotta get this thing to the toilet.” Gabriel turned, taking Aaron into the bathroom and closing the door. Castiel looked back into the room, and found Danny and Ida sliding off of the bed, hands together, Danny carefully placing the picture back on the bedside table. When they reached their uncle, Danny wrapped his arms around him, placing his face into Castiel’s chest. Why hadn’t he noticed how tall this kid actually was? Had he grown in the last two months?

“Thank you, Uncle Cas,” he breathed, voice muffled by Castiel’s shirt. Castiel wrapped his arms around him.

“Anything, Danny. Anything you need,” Castiel told him. He thought about what Danny had called him. Uncle Cas. He supposed it would happen eventually, what eleven, nearly twelve year old really liked calling a male Cassie? Gabriel. But he was alone in that, evidently. Castiel cleared his throat when Danny stepped away, wiping his bangs out of his eyes. “Okay, down here we have a spare bedroom.” Castiel opened the door to the room Maria would be staying. He then opened his own bedroom door. “This is my room, and if you ever need me in the night, don’t hesitate to come in. You’re always welcome. I suppose that’s it for upstairs.” Everyone turned their heads when there was a _THUMP_ and an “Oh fuck” from the end of the hall.

“Aaron? Buddy, you okay?” Gabriel asked, picking his son up from the floor, where he’d fallen and bumped his head. He sniffled, but didn’t cry.

“Okay,” he whispered. Gabriel turned to the end of the hall, and Castiel saw nothing but absolute adoration in his brother’s eyes. Gabriel smiled warmly. Castiel had only seen that smile on his brother a handful of times; marrying Kali and when the kids were born came to mind.

“Hey there,” Gabriel said with a small wave.

“Gabe?” Danny asked, slowly moving down the hallway. Gabriel nodded his head. When Danny reached his uncle, he extended his hand. Castiel knew it was taking everything Gabriel had to not scoop the boy into a bear hug, and was extremely proud of his brother when he shifted Aaron, taking his own hand and putting it in Danny’s.

“Hey, kid. Long time no see,” Gabriel said softly. Danny nodded.

“Who’s this?” he asked, looking at Aaron. Ida was now inching her way closer to her brother, suddenly wary of the looming stranger. Castiel supposed he understood. Meeting someone in a familiar place like the adoption agency was one thing, but a man she didn’t remember meeting in new surroundings would be tough on any kid.

“Danny, this is your cousin, Aaron. Aaron, can you say hi to Danny?” Gabriel asked his son. Aaron waved his hand furiously, but didn’t speak. “He has a twin, Peter. You can tell the difference because Peter has a scar across his cheek. Totally wasn’t my fault.” Danny rolled his eyes.

“The last time I saw you, you tackled a man, ate three hamburgers, set your pants on fire and tried to shave a kid’s head. Are you asking me to believe you on that?” Danny asked, a smile slowly spreading on his face. Castiel clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from either laughing or crying out in joy. Laughing, because he totally forgot that Gabriel set his pants on fire _again_ , and crying out in joy because Danny actually seemed comfortable with Gabriel, someone he knows.

“Yeah, well at least I didn’t lose at soccer!” Gabriel huffed. “Oh, this must be Ida. Hi, sweetheart, I’m your Uncle Gabe.” Ida peaked out from behind Danny and gave Gabriel her best smile. Aaron waved at her too, and she returned the small gesture.

“Gabriel? Is our son alive?” Kali called up from the stairs.

“Yes, _dear_ , he’s just fine,” Gabriel shouted back, rolling his eyes dramatically and making Ida giggle.

“Well don’t be a nuisance!” Kali yelled up, and Castiel heard her heels clicking away.

“I should probably head back down,” Gabriel said, looking at the stairs.

“Can we come?” Ida asked. Danny looked nervous, but Castiel caught his eye and nodded, and Danny seemed to relax a little. Gabriel shot Castiel a look.

“Of course.” Gabriel turned to the stairs, gesturing for the kids to follow him, when there was a screech, a yowl, and a flying cat.

“Fucking eat a dick!” Gabriel yelled at Levi, jumping back from the step. Danny was covering his mouth to hold in the guffaws, while Ida looked horror struck at the string of curses. Aaron, having lived with Gabriel for his entire life, was unfazed.

“Gabriel!” Castiel snapped.

“Oh, right, shi- oops! Sorry, kids. Don’t, uh, don’t say those things,” he told them lamely. Danny lost it at that, falling to his knees and clutching his stomach with laughter. Ida was confused, not sure was so funny, but Castiel had a smile twitching at his lips, and it was taking every ounce of his self-control to not burst out laughing. Gabriel was chuckling right along with Danny, and when the boy finally composed himself, Castiel could hear shuffling feet and see Charlie poking her head around the door with a confused expression. Castiel just shook his head and she shrugged, disappearing back into the living room.

“Okay, okay! Do you still want to go downstairs?” Castiel questioned. Danny stood up again, one arm on his ribs.

“Yes! Come _on_!” Ida insisted, grabbing Castiel’s hand and bringing him down. Where the hell did that nervousness go? As soon as they reached the bottom of the stairs, Ida turned into the living room and froze, Castiel nearly running her over. She blushed deeply, moving behind Castiel again. Danny stopped behind him as well, choosing to remain beside Gabriel and a squirmy Aaron.

“Ida, Danny, you know Charlie and Gilda. That there is your Aunt Kali and your cousin Peter. That’s Maria, my mother, and that’s your Aunt Anna and your cousin Danielle,” Castiel told them, pointing each person out.

“Who’s that?” Peter asked, pointing at Ida.

“That’d Ida, your cousin,” Kali told him.

“Hi!” Peter exclaimed, shuffling down from his mother and rushing over to Ida before Kali could stop him. Ida seemed confused as she stared at him, looking back at Aaron and then at Peter again. Then, she saw the scar, and seemed to remember; twins, not clones. She smiled tentatively, stepping out from behind Castiel to say hello. Peter had no boundaries, so he immediately grabbed her hand and pulled her over to where he had his toys. Ida looked frightened for a moment, but when Peter grinned at her, she seemed to trust him, allowing him to show her different kinds of trucks and toy cars.

“Well, that works,” Kali mumbled, smiling fondly at her son and niece. Danny still hung back. Anna nudged Danielle, but she didn’t move. It hit Castiel that his niece and nephew had such similar names. Huh. Why hadn’t he seen that before?

“Do you want to go in?” Gabriel asked, releasing an impatient Aaron onto the floor to run and play with his brother. Danny looked hesitant.

“You don’t have to,” Castiel told him. Danny shook his head, and slowly walked into the room, looking at everyone as he did so. He went over to the couch, sitting beside Gilda, who smiled down at him and ruffled his hair. Danny let out a small smile. Castiel moved aside when Gabriel snuck along the wall coming in. His sons looked up at him, and he pointed at their mother, giving them a ‘be quiet’ signal by putting his finger to his lips. The boys tugged at Ida and signaled her to be quiet too. Kali let out a loud groan. Gabriel, as he had said in the past, ‘super sleuthed’ his way over to his wife, attempting a somersault in the process and knocking over a lamp instead, smacking his head on the wall and letting out a quiet _fuck_ before crawling to the couch. Maria moved her hand to her temple, shaking her head. Castiel leaned in the doorway, watching his brother’s idiocies. Gilda was intrigued, Danny was cracking up, and Kali was getting ready to punch Gabriel in the face.

Finally, Gabriel jumped over the back of the couch, half landing on Kali and screaming, tickling her midsection.

“No, no stop!” Kali squealed, face breaking into a massive grin as she halfheartedly tried to feign off Gabriel’s attack. Danny was laughing once more, and Castiel soaked up the sound, cherishing it. Maria was watching Danny fondly, as was Anna, but Charlie, Gilda and Danielle were cracking up at the tickle fight.

“Mummy, up!” Aaron yelled, and Kali broke free, picking her son up and using him as a shield against his father.

“No! My one weakness! Small children!” Gabriel shrieked, falling off the couch and hitting his head with a loud _CRACK_. The room went silent.

Gabriel wasn’t moving.

“Gabe?” Kali asked, looking over the arm of the couch. “Gabe!” She set Aaron down, slipping off the couch and taking his face in her hands. “Gabe, oh no, oh no, Gabe? Gabe!” Maria ran to her son, and Castiel flashed across the room. Danny had fallen silent, eyes wide, hands clenching and unclenching. Ida wordlessly stood, going to her brother and taking his hand, Gilda pulling them close.

“Move, move!” Maria insisted, opening Gabriel’s eyes and checking his breathing. “Okay, he’s breathing, that’s good.”

“ _GOTCHA_!” Gabriel screamed, flashing his eyes open and grinning. Kali shrieked, falling back, and Maria stood with her mouth in a firm line. Castiel slapped his brother across the face. Anna had taken the crying twins from the room. “What? It was just a joke!” Danny’s face was pale across the room.

“You stupid, stupid son of a bitch,” Castiel hissed. He crossed the room, dropping to his knees in front of Danny. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, good,” Danny replied, running a shaking hand through his hair. “Great prank. Real funny. I’m gonna go upstairs. Is that okay?” Castiel pursed his lips.

“Of course. I’ll check on you in a few minutes.” Danny nodded and slipped his hand out of Ida’s, crossing the room silently, everyone’s eyes following him. Ida was quiet on Gilda’s lap. Kali just shook her head at her husband, leaving to find Anna and deal with the kids. Gabriel stood, looking confused.

“What did I do?” Castiel took his arm, dragging him to the front hall and outside. He pushed him down the steps to the grass and leaned in close.

“Gabriel, he was in a car accident with his parents. According to medical reports, our brother- he, he smashed his head off of the windshield and the impact caused his death. Liz’s neck snapped. Ida had been two, and she was asleep when they made impact. Gabriel… Danny was awake. He saw it. He didn’t talk for six months, and then they finally figured out what happened. All those scars are from broken glass, and he has burns across parts of his body from a fire that started. If… if that man, God bless that man, hadn’t pulled him out… When he sees people he cares about hurt, the people at the agency, they say he either shuts down or loses it. Gabriel, you just can’t,” Castiel told him, tears in his eyes. “Jesus Christ, you just _can’t_ do that kind thing,” Castiel finished, hand on his brother’s arm. “Okay?”

“Yeah. I get it, Castiel. I’m sorry. I really am,” Gabriel told him, and his eyes showed nothing but regret. Castiel found himself hugging his brother close.

“I know. I know, I should’ve told you.”

“Are you gonna apologize for hitting me?”

“I’d never apologize for something that’s been on my bucket list.”

“Asswipe.”

“Shit stain.” Castiel let his brother go.

“What was that for?”

“I’m not sure. Come on, let’s go back in so Kali can rip you a new one for making your offspring cry.” Gabriel groaned.

“I’m regretting this more and more,” he moaned. Castiel chuckled.

“Karma’s a bitch.”

………..

Kali made Gabriel leave immediately after he got back inside. She was fuming that he would pull that kind of trick, but Castiel knew that she was relieved that it hadn’t been anything serious. Danny stayed in his room. The rest of the guests helped Castiel bring the kids’ suitcases in, and when Castiel brought it up to Danny’s room, the boy had fallen asleep holding the picture of his parents. Worry was creeping into the back of Castiel’s mind, and he didn’t like it. After another two hours and dinner, everyone left but Maria. Ida, too tired for a bath, was put in her room with promises of shopping for new sheets and paint in the morning. Maria went down to the living room to do her own thing, and left Castiel upstairs to have a quick shower.

When he left, he realized he hadn’t brought his laundry up in a couple of days, and he only had pyjama pants, but not a single clean shirt that would be comfy enough for sleepwear. Sighing at the prospect of going down to the cold basement, Castiel froze outside of Danny’s room, hearing voices. He cracked the door open, and swung it open fully, stepping in and shutting it quietly. The boy’s hands were clenching and unclenching, and he was whimpering. Castiel jumped when he shouted out, crossing the room and gently taking the boy’s shoulders.

“Danny,” he whispered. “Danny, wake up, you’re okay.” Danny let loose a scream, eyes flashing open. He threw himself at Castiel, wrapping his arms around his bare shoulders, clinging to Castiel, shaking. “Shh, shh, you’re okay, I’m here.” Maria appeared in the doorway, but Castiel just gave her a look that showed that everything was fine, and she disappeared with a worried expression. It took another ten minutes before Danny let go of Castiel, finally releasing a shallow breath and dropping his arms. Castiel brushed the hair out of his nephew’s face. The boy looked exhausted.

“Sorry,” he croaked.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Castiel murmured, moving closer and wrapping an arm around the boy’s shoulder. Danny leaned into his side.

“Uncle Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks.” That one single word sent a wave of emotions down on Castiel.

“Of course, Danny. Do you want me to lay with you? Until you fall asleep?”

“I’m not a little kid.”

“I know. Neither am I. So that makes it okay, because, you know what? I’m pretty scared. It’s very dark and I don’t like the dark, so, if you don’t mind, I think I’d like to stay.” Castiel knew Danny wasn’t stupid and would have figured out was he was doing, but he figured offering the boy the option of feeling like he was helping someone else would be better than accepting help himself.

“Yeah, that would be nice. If you want to, you know, for the dark,” Danny mumbled. Castiel nodded, and Danny laid back down, Castiel beside him. The boy snuggled under the sheets, and Castiel grabbed the quilt that was folded over the end of the bed.

“Goodnight, Danny,” Castiel said. It was eight thirty at night, and it had been an exhausting day.

“Uncle Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Can I go shopping tomorrow too?”

“Yes, Danny, I was hoping you would come along.”

“Uncle Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Could we maybe watch one of the movies after? If it isn’t too much trouble?”

“I would love to.”

“Uncle Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks.”

“Love you, Danny,” Castiel whispered, pulling Danny’s blanket up a little further on the boy’s shoulder, lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling. Castiel heard Danny’s breathing deepen until he was almost sure he was asleep.

Castiel wasn’t certain, but he thought he might just have heard ‘love you too’ mumbled into a pillow.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel gets his niece and nephew ready for their first day of school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. I'm sorry. I had some serious writer's block going on, and somehow managed to shit out this chapter. The next one will be better! I hope.

The first week with the kids passed quicker than Castiel imagined it would. When it rolled around to an end, he was shocked that he was waking up at quarter to six again, ready to go back to work. On the day after Danny had his nightmare, he wouldn’t share with Castiel what it was about, but Castiel had enough sense to guess what happened. They ended up buying a bunk bed for Ida as well as numerous toys. All that Danny wanted was a computer for schoolwork and a fish tank. Castiel went all out, and got him a nice thirty gallon, which was set up in his room and would be receiving fish in a couple of weeks.

Now, Castiel was alone with the two of them, his mother having left, and during the week it had been simple enough. They had gotten meals, gone to the park, walked around town, and played games. Castiel had ended up with Danny in his bed every single night. He seemed incredibly ashamed about it, but Castiel never said anything, just comforted him when he awoke from a nightmare. It was the same the previous night, and Danny woke with a start when Castiel’s alarm went off.

“Hey, hey, I’m here. I need to shower for work. Go back to sleep,” Castiel murmured. Danny nodded sleepily, and fell back against the pillow, instantly asleep now that he knew there was no danger. Castiel entered the bathroom and showered quickly, stepping out and hurriedly dressing for work. When he went down to Ida’s room, she was awake in her bed. He entered the room and kissed her on the forehead.

“Why don’t you sleep on the top bunk?” Castiel asked, pulling her out from under the sheets.

“It’s too high,” she mumbled sleepily. Castiel chuckled. He lifted her onto her feet, pulling off her pyjamas until she was in her underwear.

“Dress or jeans?” Castiel asked, looking in Ida’s closet at some of her new dresses.

“The princess dress!” she squeaked, clapping her hands together. Smiling, Castiel pulled out the blue Cinderella dress she had found. It was left over from Halloween at the store, and she had loved it, so Castiel got her that instead of one of the dresses hanging in the kid's aisle. Castiel grabbed it from the rack and helped her to dress in it. He bowed, tie touching the ground.

“My liege,” he said, and she giggled.

“Thank you, kind sir,” she replied. Castiel took her hand and led her down to his room. Her sat her on the bed and moved over to Danny, gently shaking his shoulder.

“Hey, buddy, time to get up,” Castiel told him. Danny groaned, and after two more tries, Ida jumped on her brother and he finally sat up, shooting a death glare at his sister.

“What was that for?” he yelled.

“You weren’t getting up!”

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Castiel told them.

“But-” Danny began.

“No buts. It’s time to get up. Go get dressed.” Castiel chastised Ida, telling her that jumping on people was rude, and she lowered her eyes, mumbling an apology. He led her downstairs, sitting her at the dining room table and cooking up some pancakes and eggs for their first day of school. By the time he finished Ida’s, Danny was shuffling down the stairs, looking gloomy with his too-long hair and dark outfit. Castiel set Ida’s food in front of her and tore off a long strip of paper towel, putting it down her front to ensure she didn’t ruin her dress.

“Can I just have cereal?” Danny asked.

“Sure, no problem,” Castiel said, putting down the pancake batter. He moved to the cupboard, grabbing a box of Nesquik and pouring it into a bowl. Danny didn’t like milk, so Castiel grabbed a spoon and set the bowl of dry cereal in front of his nephew. He picked up the spoon and chewed slowly.

“Is my teacher nice?” Ida asked suddenly.

“Cass- Mrs. Robinson is a great teacher, and I think you’ll love having her.” Ida smiled fondly at this.

“What about me?” Danny questioned.

“You have Mr. Walker. He’s… interesting, and I don’t know much about him. I think you’ll get along fine.” Danny just nodded, lowering his eyes to his cereal. Castiel let out a loud breath before going into his fridge and getting out yogurt and granola for breakfast, mixing it up in a bowl and settling down to spoon it into his mouth. The room was filled with silence.

“Uncle Cassie?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you have a girlfriend?” Castiel was swallowing a spoonful of his food when she asked, and managed to get a piece of granola stuck in his throat, coughing profusely.

“Uh, no, sweetheart, I don’t.”

“Are you dating someone?”

“Why do you want to know all of a sudden, Ida?”

“Just wondering if we might have a mu- an aunt,” the young girl mumbled. Castiel felt his heart clench. Of course. She wanted a mother figure. What little girl didn’t?

“Well, you have your Aunt Kali and Aunt Anna and Maria. They’re nice, aren’t they?”

“Yeah.” There was another beat of silence. Castiel saw Danny fidgeting, seeming uncomfortable with the topic. “Will you ever have a girlfriend?” The question took Castiel off guard, and he was completely unprepared to answer that question.

“Of course he will, stupid head,” Danny told her, rolling his eyes.

“Language,” Castiel scolded.

“So you’ll have a girlfriend? And she can braid my hair and paint my nails?”

“You know, I can do all of those things.”

“But if you have a girlfriend she can play Barbies and talk about makeup too!” Castiel lowered his eyes.

“Ida. I think I need to tell you something, both of you.” Danny’s head snapped up.

“You aren’t sending us back, are you?” he whispered, voice laced with fear.

“No! No, I’m not, I’ll never give you up, I promise.” Danny released a relieved breath. “But… there is something you should know. About me. Uh… You see, I’ll never, um, get married.” Ida’s brow creased.

“Why not?”

“Because I’ll never have a girlfriend.”

“But why?” she asked again. Danny seemed as if he was slowly catching on.

“Ida, drop it,” he told her.

“Why?”

“Ida, I’m not going to get married because it isn’t legal here. And I won’t have a girlfriend because I don’t want a girlfriend. I want to have a boyfriend,” Castiel explained slowly.

“Oooh! That makes sense. But Charlie and Gilda, they can still braid my hair if you have a boyfriend, right?” she questioned, her only concern that _someone_ needed to braid her hair, apparently. Taken aback, a bubble of laughter rose from Castiel’s chest.

“Of course,” he giggled. Danny was looking at him strangely. “Are you okay, Danny?” What he wanted to say was ‘Do you hate me now that you know I’m gay?’ but he’d never ask it aloud.

“I’m good. Just make sure that this future boyfriend is good too.” Castiel smiled at that, and Danny smiled back.

“I will, Danny, I will.”

………..

Soon enough, they were arriving at the school for the kids’ first day, and somehow Castiel had gotten roped into the possibility of getting a certain little girl a puppy. How? He wasn’t entirely certain. Eh, he’d be wanting another dog for a while now. Might as well adopt a shelter dog and make a difference in its life. Both Maggie and Lucy had been from rescue organizations, and they had been amazing dogs, so if Castiel was going to be committing to another dog, it would be a rescue.

They pulled into Castiel’s spot and Danny jumped out, moving to take Ida out of her seat. Over the course of the week, Castiel learned that Danny thought it was his responsibility to look out for his sister and make sure that she was safe. He liked getting her out of her seat and he liked helping her eat, so Castiel would sit back when Danny offered and let him take care of his sister.

Usually, Castiel was at school bright and early to get his work done or to sit with Jay, who often times was dropped off incredibly early and had no one to play with. This morning, though, he was later than usual and arrived with the buses. He took Ida’s hand and led her and Danny over to the playground. Ida immediately ran to play with some of her new schoolmates, while Danny hovered by Castiel, seeming unsure of himself. Just as Castiel expected, Jay rushed over as soon as she caught sight of her teacher.

“Mr. Novak! Are you back now?” she asked excitedly. Castiel grinned back at the bouncing girl.

“You bet, Jay. This is Danny, my nephew,” Castiel introduced.

“Wow, hi, nice to meet you! Oh, look, there’s Emily! Bye, Mr. Novak! Oh! I fed Captain Bubblepants for you! He’s good!” And with that, Jay disappeared. Danny looked a little flabbergasted, but otherwise okay with the interruption. Right when Castiel was about to suggest he go and play with some kids and make friends, a voice interrupted him.

“Cas?” Castiel turned, not surprised when Dean was behind him.

“Hello, Dean. Danny, this is Dean, a friend of mine,” Castiel told his nephew, gesturing towards Dean. Danny stuck his hand out, and Dean shook his.

“Nice grip, kid. A handshake like that will get you far in life,” Dean told him.

“That’s what my dad always said,” Danny mumbled, looking down.

“Shit,” Dean breathed. “Uh, sorry. I’m real bad at social stuff.”

“Me too.” It was quiet for a moment.

“Danny, Dean has a daughter your age, Emma. Maybe you’d like to meet her some time?”

“Yeah. That would be cool, I guess.” Danny shuffled his feet, kicking some pebbles that were on the ground. Dean gave Castiel a quick, panicked look, seeming to be checking to be sure his comment wouldn’t make him permanently hated. Castiel shook his head at him.

“You know, Emma must be around here somewhere,” Dean said, and walked away, coming back a few moments later with his daughter.

“Hey, Dan, I’m Emma,” she said cheerily, waving at the young boy. Danny blushed, smiling and mumbling a hello to Emma. “My dad says you might want to hang out sometime.”

“Yeah, that would be cool,” he muttered, not meeting her eyes.

“Awesome! Hey, are you in Mr. Walker’s class?”

“Uh, yeah, I am.”

“Do you want to sit with me and my friends?”

“That would be really great.”

“Cool! Can I show you around?” Danny nodded, and Emma took his hand, whisking him away. Castiel watched as Danny looked back, a mixing look of horror and excitement on his face. Chuckling, Castiel turned back to Dean.

“Shit, man, I didn’t know that thing about his dad, I’m real sorry.” Castiel shook his head.

“It’s fine, really.” 

“I, uh, I just wanted to tell you something.”

“Yes?”

“It has to do with Ben.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Lisa and I haven’t gotten much better in the last week. We, uh, well, I’m on the couch. He won’t talk with me, and I worry, y’know? Timmy and Emma, they say they’re fine, and Timmy tells me when he’s worried, but Ben’s like me, always pretending to be tough. Could you keep an eye on him? Until this whole fight thing blows over, at least?”

“Yes, I’ll make sure he’s doing all right. Do mind if I ask what this fight is about?”

“Fuck if I know, man. She… shit, I shouldn’t just tell you about my marriage problems, I don’t wanna shit all over your life.”

“That’s what friends are for, remember?” Dean blew out a breath.

“She’s been weird for a while. But now she doesn’t look at me, won’t talk with me… She’s just real distant, and it’s making me mad. We argued, first time we really talked in weeks, and now I’m on the couch.” Castiel pondered what he had said.

“Did you do anything to annoy her?”

“Not that I know of. I feel like she’s hiding something… I just can’t figure out what.”

“Maybe…”

“Maybe?”

“Nothing, it was stupid.”

“No, what?”

“Maybe she’s pregnant?” Castiel questioned, and he could tell Dean's head was spinning at the thought.

“What? Why would you think that?”

“I just… the first time around, she distanced herself from you.” Dean was dead silent. “It’s a ridiculous theory.”

“Naw, man, it’s not. It’s just… we haven’t, you know… in a while. So I don’t think it’s that. Maybe she’s just some girl shit going on.”

“Probably,” Castiel muttered, cheeks red.

“This is fucking awkward.”

“Yes, I agree.”

“Hey, I’ve gotta head out to work. Thanks, for keeping an eye on Ben.”

“It’s my job.”

“Yeah. So, do you wanna go out for coffee sometime? Catch up some more?”

“I’m not sure if I can, with the kids with me.”

“Oh, yeah. Maybe if Danny wants to come over sometime, you could bring Ida too and we could hang out.”

“That might be nice.”

“Adam could watch her. He’s great with kids.”

“You brother?”

“Yeah.”

“That would be very nice. Perhaps some time next week?”

“Sure thing. Why don’t you give me a call tonight?” Castiel nodded and Dean smiled, leaving with a wave. He felt… okay about this. There was no more lingering attraction. No overwhelming sexual desire. All Castiel seemed to want was to be friends with Dean. And that pleased him greatly; the kids were distracting him too much for him to worry about Dean, or to have the desire to want Dean.

It was nice.


	9. Chapter 9

“So, Emma invited you over?” Castiel questioned as they walked out from the school three days later. Danny nodded vigorously. Since his first day at school, he had brightened significantly, probably because of his new friendship with Emma Winchester and a couple of her friends. His nephew was walking hand-in-hand with his sister, which caused a warm flutter to enter Castiel’s chest.

“Yeah, she said you and Ida could come over too,” Danny told him excitedly.

“Really?”

“Yeah! And her mom said we were all invited to dinner!” That caused Castiel to falter for only a second.

“Dinner, you say?”

“Yup! She says we should come right after school!” Dammit, why hadn’t Dean called him about this or mentioned it over the phone the last time they spoke? Castiel tried to ignore the nagging voice in the back of his mind, instead focusing on strapping Ida in. “So we can go now?” Danny hopped into the backseat next to his sister, and Castiel closed the door, sliding into the driver’s seat.

“I suppose we can go. Her parents are aware, correct?”

“That’s what she said.” Castiel pursed his lips, but nodded, driving out of the parking lot. Emma had given Danny instructions on how to get to the Winchester house, and they miraculously made it there in twenty minutes. They had gotten out of the school twenty minutes after the bell rang, record time for them, so Castiel knew that Dean and his kids would be home. He parked the car, getting out to release an unusually quiet Ida from her car seat. Danny hopped out, making a beeline for the door, which opened just before he could knock.

“Hi, Danny!” Emma exclaimed excitedly, throwing her arms around the boy. Danny returned the hug, and Castiel watched them for a moment, slightly dumbstruck at the emotion his nephew was showing. He turned away, hurriedly finishing up with Ida’s buckles, and she asked to be carried rather than walk. Castiel obliged happily, unsure how much longer the child would want to be carried and how much longer he would actually be able to carry her. As he made his way up to the house, a young man with blond hair approached them from a garage as Emma took Danny inside.

“Can I help you?” the man asked.

“Uh, no, I’m Castiel, Castiel Novak. According to my nephew, we’ve been invited to play and for dinner,” Castiel told him, Ida nodding in agreement.

“Oh, _you’re_ Castiel. I’m Adam, Dean’s brother,” he said, wiping his greasy hands on his jeans before offering it Castiel. He shifted Ida and accepted, shaking Adam’s hand. “Dean’s in the shop, but I’ll force him out early. He was talking about this all day since Emma asked this morning.” Well, that explained why Dean never mentioned it. “Hold on.” Adam jogged away, and Ida was pointing out cars, asking what kinds they were, which Castiel had no answer for. Soon, he saw Dean walking towards them, wiping oil off of his hands, a grin breaking over his face when he saw Castiel.

“Hey! Sorry about the short notice, she just asked this morning,” Dean told him, now only a handful of feet away.

“It’s no problem. Danny was very happy to get the invitation.”

“This must be Ida. I haven’t met you yet,” Dean said, smiling brightly at the little girl. She blushed, waving at him from Castiel’s arms. Dean took her hand, bowing. “It’s an honour, m’lady.” Ida giggled, looking from Dean to Castiel. “I’m Dean, I’m your uncle’s friend.”

“Uncle Cassie, can I go down?” she whispered, turning towards Castiel’s ear. He carefully set her on the ground, and she immediately ran to Dean, taking his hand and hanging off of him.

“Princess, I’m honoured!” he exclaimed, looking shocked at the fact that she had chosen to take his hand. He winked at Castiel, who rolled his eyes. “You know, I’ve been kicked out of the garage for the afternoon, and it turns out that Jody and Bobby are home, and are stopping by to visit. Perhaps the lovely princess would like to play inside until Jody arrives and can braid her hair?” Ida’s eyes lit up at that. For some reason, all she wanted was her hair to be braided. Constantly. Castiel had to Google different braids over the past few days, and this morning he hadn’t had time to put a new one in.

“Dad!” Emma called from the back stoop. Dean turned, taking a laughing Ida with him. “Do we have any snacks?”

“Uh, yeah, I think we have cheese and crackers!”

“Any _good_ snacks?” she asked, rolling her eyes. Castiel stifled a laugh.

“Well, since your mother won’t let me within a mile of the grocery store, the answer to that would be a _no_ ,” Dean told her, rolling his eyes equally as dramatically.

“Fine,” Emma muttered, turning back inside.

“I could run out and-”

“Naw, it’s fine, Cas. Cheese and crackers is good, she just needs to learn that. Healthy is _sometimes_ better. I mean, I’ve got a secret stash of chocolate bars and a hidden mini fridge for pie, but I’ve already accepted a heart attack at forty.” Castiel laughed aloud at this. Ida left Dean and tugged at Castiel’s coat. He crouched down.

“Can we go inside?” she whispered, but it seemed more like a stage whisper than anything.

“We sure can,” Castiel told her, swooping the small girl into his arms and looking from Dean to the house. Dean nodded, leading the way to the back door.

“Dean!” someone yelled behind them. Dean groaned.

“Yeah, Henriksen?” he called, giving Castiel a ‘just a minute’ sign and running back over to the garage.

“Bobby’s coming now,” Henrikson told him before disappearing again. Dean sighed, heading back towards Castiel and Ida.

“Okay, ready to go up?” Soon, they were inside the house, Dean and Castiel sitting at the table with Ida and Ben, who were colouring together, Ben constantly showing Castiel his work in progress, babbling endlessly about drawing. Of course, Ben and Dean both wanted ACDC in the background, and Castiel had grudgingly obliged. Emma and Danny were in the living room, doing homework from Mr. Walker before they watched a movie. Castiel very rarely assigned homework to his students, but Gordon Walker handed it out nearly every night.

Castiel turned his head to find Timmy peeking around the doorframe. He smiled warmly at the boy, and he skipped forwards, putting an action figure on the table before he grabbed a piece of paper and started to draw.

“How’s it going, buddy?” Dean asked. Timmy shrugged.

“Okay, I guess.”

“Kids being mean to you?” Dean asked. Castiel arched an eyebrow.

“What kids?” he questioned, leaning towards Timmy with his hands clasped together. Once more, Timmy shrugged.

“Just some kids being mean.”

“Little douche-”

“Dean!”

“Right, sorry, five year old, got it. I’m talking with the principal tomorrow.”

“Not Lisa? Aren’t you working?” Dean’s eyes were hard. Castiel bit his cheek.

“Yeah, well, I’ll be dealing with it instead.”

“Timmy?”

“Yeah?”

“How about tomorrow you walk around with me at recess? Jay will probably be with me, and she’s good company.” Timmy’s face brightened.

“Thanks, Mr. Novak!” Timmy replied, a small smile on his face rather than the sad look it had shown before. Dean shot him a grateful look.

“Ben, Timmy?” His sons looked up at their father. “Maybe you could show Ida the living room? So Mr. Novak and I could talk for a minute?” Ben nodded, taking Ida’s hand and leading her out to the living room, returning to grab their papers and drawing utensils. The living room was only twenty feet away, but it they talked lowly, the children wouldn’t hear.

“What is it?” Castiel asked, looking Dean up and down. Dean stood, going over to the fridge.

“You want a beer?”

“Little early for beer, isn’t it?” Castiel asked.

“Nah, it’s after three, we’re good.” Castiel still shook his head no, and when Dean returned, he popped the cap off, taking a swig from the beverage. “Look, Lisa and I are still fighting, and now… she’s just mad, has been for three days. I nearly choked on my damn breakfast when she agreed to have you over. She won’t help out with Timmy’s problems, she won’t even talk to him. I don’t know what the fuck is happening, but it’s pissing me right off,” Dean all but growled.

“I wasn’t aware.”

“I shouldn’t be dumping this on you. Fuck, I ruin everything.”

“Dean, it’s fine, this will help me with Ben. If you need to rant, go ahead.”

“No, no, it’s okay. So, _dad_ , how’s it going?”

“Dad? I’m not your- oh, you’re referring to the adoption, of course. Still not dad; Uncle Cassie. It’s going quite well, the kids are absolutely amazing. Just yesterday, Ida woke up and said she wanted to wear a suit so we could match! I told her maybe for Christmas we would get one tailored for her, she was so excited! It’s absolutely wonderful, Dean. It makes me understand-” _why you left so many years ago_.

“Understand?” Dean asked, the smile that had been resting on his face while Castiel spoke turning to a look of confusion.

“Nothing, just a slip of the tongue.” Dean nodded, not buying it at all, and gestured for Castiel to carry on. “A great many people who I spoke with told me that adopting a boy Danny’s age would be tough, and that he would loath me, hate everything and everyone. While it’s taking him a while yet to adapt, I really am very grateful that Emma is in his life. He seems so much happier since she came along.”

“You can almost hear the wedding bells,” Dean smirked. Castiel chuckled.

“Perhaps one day,” he replied, looking over at the two at they crouched over their homework. He would never ask Danny about it. He would let the boy tell him in his own terms. Or, perhaps, one day Danny would come home heartbroken, because Emma got a boyfriend, and the boy had been Danny’s crush. No matter what, Castiel would never push him, and he would always love him, accept him.

“So, how’s Ida adapting?”

“Very well. She’s the highlight of her class, and she’s most likely going to be a lawyer, considering the fact that I bought a dog leash and collar yesterday and am planning on surprising them with a visit to the kennel for Danny’s birthday in December.”

“Oh, a dog?”

“Yes. And I know- you don’t do dogs.” Dean smirked.

“After all these years?”

“Of course. I’ll never forget the sight of you shitting your pants when you saw Maggie and Lucy. It was probably the highlight of my year.”

“Hey, those were pretty massive dogs.”

“At least you liked Hades.”

“What can I say? I understand rodents.”

“Because all you do is eat and sleep?”

“Exactly.” They were thrust into a comfortable silence for a few moments, Dean’s marital problems temporarily forgotten. Soon, the back door was opening, and a large man with a woman who looked to be about Castiel’s age walked in.

“Uncle Bobby!” Castiel heard, turning to see Ben and Emma run from the couch to the older man, Timmy hesitantly following. Bobby smiled happily, leaning down to hug the kids. Of course, he immediately hid that happiness with a gruff exterior when he was done hugging them, going back to the annoyed looking man he had been when he walked in.

“Hey, Jody!” Dean said, standing and hugging the woman.

“Dean! It’s great to see you! Who’s your friend?”

“Oh, Jody Singer, this is Castiel Novak, Ben’s teacher and a longtime friend.”

“Novak?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. Castiel blushed, looking away, trying to get his heart to stop beating erratically. Even after all these years, people being skeptical of his last name cut him deeply.

“Uh, yes, Novak,” he replied, clearing his throat.

“Who ya got here?” Bobby asked, looking Castiel up and down. This time, Dean cleared his throat.

“Uh, Bobby Singer, Castiel Novak. He likes Jim, though. And over here are his niece and nephew, Ida and Danny.” Bobby snapped his head towards Dean when he heard Castiel’s name.

“Dean. May I speak with you in private?” Bobby ground out. Castiel flinched. Emma watched warily as Bobby grabbed Dean’s arm, dragging him out of the room. Castiel swallowed hard, finding it slightly difficult to breathe.

“Aunt Jody! Look what I’m drawing!” Ben said, taking her hand and leading her to the living room. Castiel shrugged off his suit jacket, draping it over a chair and heading to the living room. Emma tapped his arm before he could leave the kitchen.

“Mr. Novak?”

“Yes, Emma?”

“Why did Bobby look at you like that when Dad said your name?” The blood drained from Castiel’s face.

“Well, Emma, it’s a very long story, and not appropriate to tell you right now. Tell you what. When you’re a bit older, maybe when you’re in high school, I’ll tell you, okay?”

“Yeah… sure, Mr. Novak.” She glanced at him over her shoulder as she walked back into the living room, sliding beside Danny on the couch, who shot a look at Castiel before eyeing Emma and then going back to his work. Jody was in an armchair, the perfect view of Ida, Ben and Timmy’s work displayed before her. Castiel leaned in the door frame, hands in his pockets, watching over the kids. Castiel turned when he heard movement at his back, seeing a glaring Bobby and a pale Dean return. Castiel and Dean locked eyes for a moment, and Dean shook his head.

“So, _Jim_ ,” Bobby grumbled, standing beside Castiel. “Why exactly are you here?”

“My nephew was invited to dinner,” Castiel stated plainly.

“No, you jackass.” Castiel narrowed his eyes at the insult. “What are you doing back in this town?”

“Sir, my adopted children are a handful of feet away from us, and I would _appreciate_ it if you would refrain from calling me those kinds of things. And as for what I’m doing in town, I respectfully deny you an answer.” Castiel swiftly moved forwards, kneeling down to look at Ida’s drawing; of course it was a puppy. What else would she have on her mind. Castiel could feel Bobby glaring into his back, but didn’t turn around, not wanting to give the man the time of day. He heard a grunt, and footsteps leading away from the living room. Soon, Dean was beside him.

“That went well,” Dean breathed. Castiel snorted.

“Is he always so kind?”

“I’ll explain later.” Dean looked over at Ben. “Benjamin Isaac Winchester!” Ben snapped his head towards his father, biting his lip. Everyone but Emma and Timmy were now focused on Dean, who looked angry. He gestured towards Ben’s drawing. “ _What_ have I told you about selling your soul for amazing art skills!?” Ben busted out laughing, and Ida laughed along with him, though she didn’t really know why. Castiel and Jody chuckled, while Danny shrugged, focusing once more on his and Emma’s work.

………..

The time seemed to pass effortlessly. Soon enough, Lisa came home, and, according to Dean, put on a show for everyone, acting happy and joyful and loving. Dean made dinner while Lisa watched the kids, chatting with Jody, while Bobby excused himself to do work in the garage. Soon enough, Adam had joined them, and he and Castiel were keeping Dean company on the back deck while he flipped hamburgers.

“So, you’re Jim, then?” Adam asked, sipping his beer.

“Yes, and you’re Adam.”

“Correct. Bit of an awkward situation, I hear.”

“Adam,” Dean practically growled. Adam raised his hands defensively.

“All right, all right, calm down! Just throwing it out there.” Castiel’s cheeks were red, and he could see a faint blush in Dean’s ears as well. They were thrown into silence.

“Well. This isn’t awkward at all,” Dean muttered.

“Oh, hey, are we doing anything for Christmas?” Adam asked suddenly.

“Uh, yeah, Sammy and Jess and Jamie and Andy are coming down. And, uh, well, dad wants to come, but I said no. And Lisa’s parents are also coming, and I’m pretty sure we were planning on inviting Timmy’s social worker, Sarah, to stop by. Why do you ask?”

“I was wondering if I should stay or find an excuse to fuck off to a motel.” Dean snorted.

“Sure you don’t wanna stay with your mom?” Adam made a disgusted face.

“Yeah, I kind of wanted to keep my balls, thanks, though.” Dean chuckled lightly.

“I am confused, I know you have issues with your mother, but why are they so severe?” Castiel questioned. Adam shifted uncomfortably.

“Nothing against you, man, but I just met you. Y’know?”

“Of course, I completely understand. My apologies.” Adam nodded, taking another drink from his beer.

“So how’s Ben doing in school?” Adam asked casually.

“Quite well. He’s excelling in art as well as math, which pleases me greatly. I quite enjoy it when artistic students also have a passion for other, more difficult subjects.”

“Yeah, math’s a bitch,” Dean commented.

“Dean, you are literally a mechanic. All you do is math,” Adam laughed.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a bitch. All right, go and round up the crew, burgers are nearly done.” Castiel and Adam stood, entering the house and announcing that dinner was almost ready. The table was already set, so all Castiel did was place the salad on the table as well as the corn, and, of course, the roasted potatoes, which were evidently Timmy’s favourite as well as Ida’s. Who knew? Castiel didn’t, but he was glad he knew now. Everyone took their seats. Bobby sat at the head of the table with Jody on his left, Adam on his right. Beside Jody was Lisa, who was next to Ben, and next to him was Emma. Dean sat directly across from Bobby, and beside Dean was Cas, then Ida, and, finally Danny was next to Adam.

It was the most tense and awkward meal of Castiel’s life.

There was a continuous flow of chatter from Ida, about her day in Kindergarten and how she was going to name her puppy Biscuit if it was a boy and Nelly if it was a girl. Besides that, there wasn’t much being said. Everyone else ate in mostly silence, and Castiel could feel Lisa’s dagger eyes on him as he sat next to Dean.

“You have a lovely home,” Castiel mumbled.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean replied.

“Dean fixed up when we first moved in here together,” Lisa told him absently, her first words to the man all night.

“Certainly fixed ‘er up nice,” Bobby commented. And that was the end of that. Eventually, Ida looked like she was going to pass out on her plate, so Castiel scooped her into his arms, taking her and placing her gently on the couch. When he returned, Adam was finished his dinner, dumping his plate before hurriedly leaving the room. Not that Castiel could blame him- the mood was still quite stiff.

“I’m out. Thanks Dean. Night guys.” And with that, he was gone. Soon enough, everyone finished their meals. Bobby and Jody said thank you and goodbye, and if Jody yelled at Bobby when they were outside, no one commented. Ben said he wanted to go upstairs, and promptly did so, while Timmy plunked down in a chair with a book. Emma and Danny decided to break out the video games, and were playing some kind of cubic game console. Castiel had no idea where Lisa went. He and Dean moved to the sink to do the dishes.

“That was so fucking horrible,” Dean said as soon as they were alone, eliciting a snort from Castiel.

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

“Fuck me, let’s never do that again.”

“Agreed. I need to ask; why was Bobby so…”

“Asshole-ish?”

“Yes, that.”

“Well, uh, when we were, in University, Sammy told Bobby, even after we were done, but Bobby was never really chill about it, and for some reason he thought _you_ left _me_.”

“I wish I hadn’t asked.”

“You and me both.” There was a moment of quiet, just the background noise of the television and Dean scrubbing plates before passing them to Castiel to dry. “Emma’s doing real well so far. I have such high hopes for her.”

“What about Ben and Timmy?”

“Oh, God, of course them too, but she’s just… She’s my first, y’know? And she’s so _smart_ and sassy and amazing. Granted, a little too much like her Uncle Sam, but still, she’s just…”

“Are you all right, Dean?”

“Fine, I’m fine… I’ve just been thinking… what if I lose her, Cas? And Ben? Who’s amazing and creative and _great_. Or Timmy, if he goes back into foster care...” Castiel stopped, turning to face Dean, his stomach dropping when he saw the heartbroken expression on his friend’s face.

“What do you mean? You won’t lose them!”

“I just… I can’t help thinking, you know how I think… what if Lisa and I divorce? What if she gets the kids, Cas?”

“Dean, you won’t divorce. This is just a fight.”

“Twelve years we’ve been married, Cas. Twelve years and we’ve never had anything like this.”

“You’ll move past it. Nothing’s going to take those kids away, and Lisa isn’t going anywhere either.” Dean’s hands were tight on a plate, his entire body tense. Castiel placed a hand on his shoulder. “Dean. Calm down. It’s going to be fine.” Dean nodded briskly, beginning to scrub again. There was a crease in Castiel’s brow. He felt awful that Dean had all these thoughts running through his head, and wished there was a way to show him that everything was really and truly going to be fine. When Castiel looked at him, once again, there was no attraction, no desperate pull, no endless wanting for _more_. He saw his friend in pain. And that was the only thing tugging at his heart strings; that his friend was so worried about his marriage, his children.

Finally, it seemed that Castiel Novak was over Dean Winchester.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY for this late update! I haven't had much free time to write at all! Sadly, this is the only chapter completed, the other two are only half written, since I couldn't decide which to work on. I wish I had more for you after this wait, but I just don't. Life's a bitch right about now.
> 
> I have no clue when these chapters will be done or when I can update.
> 
> There will no longer be a posting schedule- I'll update whenever I can. I thought I could handle a schedule, and hey, it worked for a while, but... now it just isn't going to. Sorry.

It was December seventeenth, a totally insignificant day to the majority of the population, other than the fact that Christmas was in a week. But to Danny, it was absolutely everything. Castiel could feel his excitement radiating out of his body the entire day. He awoke in his own bed, which had become a regular occurrence in the past two weeks, and had immediately run to Castiel’s room, and, finding that his uncle was already awake, grinned a grin that went to his ears. Castiel grinned back, and went for a hug.

“I’m finally _twelve_ ,” Danny exclaimed.

“I know! And today also just happens to be International Birthday Boy Breakfast Day.” Danny rolled his eyes, but Castiel knew he was still freaking out on the inside. It was his first birthday not in a foster home in a very long time, and Castiel knew that this day spent with family meant everything. Everyone was coming up; Maria, Anna, Gabe, Charlie- even Michael, Lucifer and Balthazar were joining them. Balthazar had been down visiting with Michael, so they both decided to drive to Castiel’s house. They were staying in a motel because Maria had the guest room, but Castiel couldn’t wait to see his brothers again.

As Castiel sat down with both Ida and Danny eating waffles with blueberries, he thanked the gods for Emma Winchester. That little girl had cracked Danny out of his shell, and had introduced Castiel to an entirely different person than his Danny. Ida had shared her excitement over it with her uncle, telling him she couldn’t remember the last time Danny smiled this much. While the comment hurt his heart, Castiel had shoved the feeling aside, instead focusing on the happy. Now, as Danny ate his waffles and talked between mouthfuls, Castiel nodded and talked with him, Ida interrupting occasionally.

Over the past month and a half, Castiel had learned that Danny loved _everything_ that moved. Which meant that he had filled his fish tank as much as he could, and had somehow managed to convince his uncle to let him rescue a rat he had saved from a snake tank, as well as, of course, the weirdest creature Castiel had ever seen- an Axolotl. Danny now had numerous tanks around his room for numerous creatures, and had decorated his walls with science texts and even the periodic table. All in all, Castiel finally saw life in the boy’s eyes, and it made him tear up with joy.

“Uncle Cas?” Danny asked, waving his hand in front of Castiel’s face.

“What? Oh, yes, what did you ask?” Castiel asked, blinking rapidly and making himself come back to the present.

“What else are we doing today?” Ida piped up.

“Well, we need to be back for the… _birthday party_.”

“Birthday party!?’ Danny exclaimed, dropping his fork and snapping his head up at Castiel. The look he gave him made Castiel’s heart break. It was a look of suspicion and longing, a look that read ‘You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?’

“Yes, a birthday party! I’ve invited some family members. I wasn’t sure if you wanted your friends over-”

“No! I- I mean, not… not this year.” Castiel nodded.

“Okay. Just family, then. But we have one place to go before dinner. If you finish up breakfast, we can go in about an hour, when it opens.”

“Where is it?” Ida asked, reaching down and stroking Vera’s head as she rubbed against the chair leg, purring.

“It’s a surprise.”

“It’s ice cream, right?” Ida asked, head quickly turning towards her uncle.

“Nope, not ice cream.”

“What, then?”

“Well, wait an hour and you’ll see it.” Ida sighed.

“Hey, it’s not your birthday, missy!” Castiel chuckled.

“Yeah, but Danny always shares his presents with me!” Castiel shot his nephew a look. Danny shrugged.

“It was usually a sweater, and she never had sweaters that were big enough, so…” Castiel lowered his eyes, nodding his head slowly. He cleared his throat.

“Are you finished, Ida?”

“Yup!” she said, hopping off her chair and taking her plate to the sink.

“Me too.” Danny did the same, and raced for the stairs, nearly tripping on his pyjama bottoms. Castiel took Ida into his arms and carried her out of the kitchen.

“So, princess, will it be pants or a dress today?”

“Pants! And a funny shirt.”

“A funny shirt, you say?”

“Yup! The funniest, so Danny will laugh!” Castiel smiled warmly. They reached her room, and he dropped her to the ground dramatically, making her squeal with delight, her tiny hands wrapped tightly around his neck. She quickly ran over to her dresser, taking out underwear and pants, while Castiel moved to her closet, shifting through her shirts and pulling out the ‘funniest one’. It had a cartoon lion on it, and he was saying ‘They aren’t lion when they say I’m cute.’ It cracked Castiel up, and Danny had chuckled when he saw it. Ida loved the thing. She came over shirtless, and Castiel slipped the material over her head.

“Ready?” Castiel asked.

“Yes, let’s goooo!”

“Not yet! There’s still a while before it opens. Why don’t we go to Danny’s room and see his pets?”

“Will he let me?”

“Of course he will!” They left the room hand in hand, knocking on Danny’s door before he invited them in. He was sitting on the bed petting his rat, Scabbers. Castiel hadn’t known the boy was a fan of Harry Potter before he got the rat. Castiel quickly glanced around; the tanks were still dark, so the fish hadn’t been cared for yet, he had only gotten to the rat.

“Danny, can I pet Scabbers?” Ida asked tentatively. Danny nodded his head and the girl bounded forwards, leaving Castiel in the doorway. He instructed her on the correct way to hold him, and how to gently pet his head and not pull his tail. Ida listened intently, never failing to do as her brother instructed. After a few minutes, the boy trusted her with his pet, and went around to turn on tank lights. He opened a bin and dropped in a couple of worms for his Axolotls before going to his larger fish tank and putting in some flakes. He looked at Castiel with a sheepish smile.

“Why do I feel as of this collection will grow?” Castiel asked suspiciously.

“Because Emma came over and said a snake would be really cool,” Danny muttered. Castiel rolled his eyes.

“I do have a soft spot for corn snakes… just remember, snakes eat living things.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Okay. We’re not getting one soon, but maybe someday you can.” Danny brightened, and wrapped his arms around Castiel. He knew he was spoiling the kids, but after all these years in foster care, they really did deserve to be spoiled.

“Danny, help!” Ida screeched. Castiel snapped his head up quickly, and saw that the rat had burrowed itself into Ida’s hair. He had to swallow back a laugh that threatened to escape his lips. Soon Ida’s hair was ratless, and Danny was killing himself laughing.

Within the hour, they were pulling up to the animal shelter. Danny let out a loud gasp and Ida screamed.

“I take that as I did the right thing,” Castiel chuckled.

“Uncle Cas, are we really-?”

“You bet, bud. I love dogs just as much as the next person,” Castiel admitted. Danny covered his mouth with his hands and Ida was desperately trying to get out of the car. Danny unbuckled her while Castiel exited, and both of them scrambled out of the car.

“Can we get a puppy?” Ida asked, her eyes gleaming.

“What about an older dog? It would be nice to save one.”

“But puppies are so fun!” Castiel had a thought in the back of his mind. _Who says two aren’t nice?_ But that would be crazy. He’d definitely be spoiling them way too much. Then again, when he was at work, the dogs could keep each other company, and maybe not harass the cats as much. He shook his head. They hadn’t even entered the building yet!

Castiel found himself being dragged inside by both children. Danny’s cheeks were a rosy red when they entered, as he had been too stubborn to don a toque.

“How may I help you?” was the sentence that decided everything.

They left two hours later with the adoption documents to two dogs, a yellow Lab named Xavier, who Ida proclaimed as ‘Xavy’ and his best friend, a sweet Collie mix named Persephone. The dogs came from the same home and had to be adopted together; Castiel assumed the owner was nothing short of high when they named the dogs.

Since there was a party that night, Castiel told the kids that bringing the dogs home was a bad idea. He didn’t want to frighten them or scar them on their first day in the house, so they would be going the next day after school to pick the animal’s up. Since Maria was staying for the night after the party, Castiel asked her to stay the week to help watch the dogs. They planned to drive down to Castiel’s childhood home for Christmas at the end of the week, spend some time there for the holidays. Maria said she would likely go and spend quality time with the twins during the days she was with Castiel, and check on the dogs every once in a while. Castiel was incredibly grateful that his mother was willing to stay.

The kids were still screaming and yelling in excitement as they got into the car, Danny even buckled Ida up.

“Xavy’s so cute!” Ida squealed.

“I know!” Danny agreed. “Dad, can-” Every single person in the car stopped moving, frozen. “Uh, sorry, I, uh, I mean, Uncle Cas, could, maybe could I see those pictures?” Danny’s face was beet red. Castiel’s heart was thudding in his chest. Dad? He felt joy and excitement and fear and longing surge through his veins, and, after a few tense seconds of gripping the steering wheel, he nodded, mumbling ‘Sure’ and passing his phone back to the boy. Ida was incredibly quiet, and kept trying to whisper something to Danny, but the boy wouldn’t answer her, just kept shoving her back into her seat. Castiel carefully pulled out of the parking lot, his mind racing.

“Danny, can I see?” Ida asked. Begrudgingly, the boy passed the girl the phone. She laughed and ‘Aw’d’ at the pictures. Xavy was short and round and yellow, warm brown eyes always excited. Persephone, ‘Seph!’ Ida declared loudly, was a wiry thing with one blue and one golden eye, shaggy brown fur with patches of white and a white belly, and ears that couldn’t seem to decide whether they wanted to flop or perk up. Castiel had gotten only one good picture of the two; the rest were just blurs of tongue and fur as the dogs attacked the children with kisses.

Soon enough, they pulled back into the house driveway. Maria’s car was there, and Castiel unbuckled Ida, sending her inside. He stopped Danny at the yard, rubbing his hands together for warmth.

“I’m real sorry, Uncle Cas, I didn’t mean to say it,” Danny mumbled. Castiel just smiled at him, shaking his head.

“Danny, you can call me whatever you like, okay? If you want to call me dad-” Danny flinched, “or if you want to call me Uncle Cas, or Cas, or even Ivan, I don’t care! You can call me whatever makes you happy. And if you want to call me a bunch of different things until you find one you like, that’s okay too.” Danny moved forwards and wrapped his slender arms around Castiel’s waist.

“Thanks, Uncle Cas,” he said into the other man’s chest. Castiel rested his chin on Danny’s head and hugged him back.

“Anytime, buddy.” Danny pulled away. He looked at the ground, scuffing his shoe, and when he looked back up, Castiel got a good look at his eyes. His own eyes. His father’s eyes. Those eyes showed a boy who had seen too much too soon. A twelve year old should never have that look about him. The look of seeing something traumatic, of having to deal with scars and ridicule and a terrible life. The look of a baby raising another baby; a sibling made a parent too fast. Those were the eyes of a young boy who had grown up much too fast.

“I think I’m just going to stick with Uncle Cas. For now. If that’s okay?” Castiel grinned and nodded.

“Of course it is. Now, I’m sure Maria will be itching to get her hug if you want to go in!”

“Uncle Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Can we… can we call her grandma? We’ve never had a grandma before, not really,” Danny admitted. Castiel’s smile was sad.

“I think she would like that very much,” Castiel told him. Danny let a quick smile show, and was then heading up the front steps. Castiel took a deep breath, and then followed. He saw Maria hugging Danny close when he opened the door, the unshed tears in her eyes. She gave a nod, as if to say ‘I’m all right, keep on keeping on’. Castiel moved to the living room, finding Ida elbow deep in a bucket of birthday supplies his mother must have brought with her.

“Uncle Cassie, can we hang streamers?” Ida asked, pulling some out of the box, managing to trip over her own feet and sending the streamers across the room. Vera perked up from her cat tree, sauntering down and then attacking the papers. Levi, on the other hand, gave less than two shits and just went back to sleep at the commotion. Ida was giggling furiously while Vera played.

“Stupid cat,” Danny muttered, a smile brightening his face.

“I didn’t choose her for her smarts, you know,” Castiel told him with a chuckle. They moved into the room to help Ida pick up the pieces of streamer and eventually hang them up on the wall. Even though it was his birthday, Danny wanted to help out, like he always did. After just a short hour, the entire living room was covered in decorations, and the front door burst open.

“Someone call the fire department, because I am _hot_!” Gabriel shouted, announcing his arrival. Castiel groaned loudly.

“I see my eldest boy is here,” Maria commented, moving to the front hall to shove Gabriel aside and help Kali with the twins, quickly undressing them from their snow suits.

“Cassie! How great to see you, bro!” Gabriel yelled, embracing his brother, who hurriedly tried to squirm away. Ida was laughing at the sight. “Danny, the birthday boy! You know, _I_ wanted to buy you strippers and ice cream, but _apparently_ that was ‘inappropriate’,” Gabriel told him.

“ _Gabriel_ ,” Kali snapped from across the room. Gabriel held his hands up.

“Calm down, Kal, just a joke!”

“Don’t you tell me to calm down, Gabriel Novak!” Kali yelled from across the room. Gabriel rolled his eyes.

“ _Women_ , am I right?”

“Well I know one _man_ who won’t be getting any cake!” Kali told him, stepping into the room holding a squirming Peter, Aaron still in the hall with Maria.

“Aw, Kali, no!” Gabriel whined.

“After what the doctor said, you won’t see sugar for a very, very long time,” Kali announced.

“What did the doctor say?” Danny asked, sitting down on the couch. Kali looked at him in surprise; the boy had never spoken to her before. He seemed… different than the last time she saw him, a month and a half ago. That time had definitely improved the boy, he seemed much happier now.

“Our doctor has told Gabriel that he’s one chocolate bar away from diabetes,” Kali muttered.

“Ah! He said _two_ chocolate bars!” Gabriel corrected, causing Peter to laugh for God knows what reason. “ _See_? He gets my jokes! That’s why you’re tied for my favourite, Peter!” Gabriel swooped the young boy from his mother’s arms, holding him close and moving around the room.

“Can I go next?” Ida asked excitedly, watching with joy as Peter and Gabriel danced around the room.

“You can go now!” Gabriel told her, swiftly dropping Peter into Castiel’s arms and picking Ida up at the same time; Castiel nearly dropped the toddler, and Kali gasped in shock before swatting her husband as he flew by her with his niece. Peter grinned at his uncle, reaching up and swatting the man on his nose. Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Just like your father,” he muttered, setting the boy down. Peter rushed over to Danny, who lifted him expertly onto his lap. Maria came to Castiel’s side holding Aaron, placing a hand on his shoulder. Kali stood in the doorway still, watching her husband make a fool out of himself with a smile. While Gabriel drove Kali mad, like everyone else in his life, she loved him dearly, and she made sure he knew it.

A knock on the door sent Castiel out to the hall, insisting that Maria remain where she was with Peter. Castiel opened it to find Lucifer, standing there holding a bundle in one arm and the hand of a little girl in the other. Castiel zeroed in on the bundle.

“Hey, Jim,” Lucifer said tiredly, smiling at his younger brother. Castiel reminded himself to go with Luke instead of Lucifer- the kids were around, and Danny was certainly old enough to know who the devil was.

“Hey, Luke, great to see you,” Castiel exclaimed, moving aside and allowing his brother in. Andrea hid shyly behind her father, who tried to get her to come out of hiding but couldn’t. “What’ve you got there?” Castiel gestured to the bundle.

“Jim, this is Hunter. He’s a foster kid I’m looking after, possibly indefinitely.” Castiel’s eyes widened.

“Can I- can I hold him?” he asked softly, assuming the baby was asleep. Lucifer nodded gratefully, passing the yellow bundle into his brother’s arms. Hunter was beautiful. He had dark skin and dark hair, his thumb stuck in his mouth and his adorable little eyes shut while he slept peacefully. Castiel couldn’t stop staring down at him. Lucifer had lifted Andrea into his arms at this point.

“Who’s here?” Maria called from the living room. Castiel, not wanting to wake the baby, walked into the living room while Lucifer shed his snow clothes as well as Andrea’s.

“It’s Luc- it’s Luke,” Castiel informed them, rocking the baby slowly. Gabriel stopped his gallivanting and pointed at Hunter.

“ _What_ is that?” he demanded, Ida staring wide eyed in his arms.

“ _This_ is your new nephew, Gabriel,” Castiel informed him, walking further into the room. Maria had set Aaron down, and was moving closer to her son.

“Nephew? Cassie, I know you like kids, but two is enough!” Gabriel exclaimed jokingly.

“Actually, he’s mine,” Lucifer announced, stepping in with Andrea still holding on tightly to his neck.

“Man, Luci, you really love the kids, huh?”

“Gabriel! Be nice,” Kali told him with a playful swat, Gabriel swatting right back.

“A baby?” Ida asked, craning her neck in her uncle’s arms. She looked from Lucifer to the baby and back. Kali moved forwards with her arms outstretched, and Castiel handed off the child, taking Ida into his arms instead.

“Ida, this is your Uncle Luke, do you remember him?” Castiel asked. Ida shook her head, her eyes moving from Lucifer to Andrea now.

“I’m Andrea!” the girl announced, sticking out her hand while the other clung to her father’s neck. Ida looked at the hand suspiciously, and Castiel tried to encourage her to shake it, but the girl just refused. “That’s okay. Do you want to play with me?” Ida nodded enthusiastically at that, so Castiel set the girl on the ground at the same time Lucifer did. Danny moved forwards now, eyes on the baby.

“Can I hold him?” he asked. Castiel looked at Lucifer, who shrugged.

“Sure, if Maria will ever give him up,” he joked. Maria chuckled lightly, and placed the snoozing baby into Danny’s arms. He looked at the little boy in awe, slowly rocking him as Maria leaned into Castiel, both watching the boy. There was a knock at the door, and Castiel moved to answer it, leaving Maria with Lucifer and Danny.

“Hey, Jim!” Charlie exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Castiel. Gilda was behind her, and she smiled and waved as Charlie locked Castiel in a death grip.

“Y’know, Charlie, I think I’d like to actually live through this!” Castiel managed, and Charlie let loose a laugh, backing away. “Come in, come in!” Castiel quickly let them inside, and when he turned back to close the door, he saw Michael and Balthazar approaching from a car, presumably Michael’s. Grinning, Castiel flew from the stoop and wrapped his brothers in a hug.

“Cassie! It’s been much too long!” Balthazar commented, stepping back and getting a good look at his brother.

“I think I see a little grey hair in that mess of brown,” Michael chuckled.

“Says the balding one,” Castiel shot back. Michael held up his hands.

“Fair enough.”

“So, our nephew’s birthday, is it?” Balthazar asked, craning his neck to look in the window.

“Uh, yeah, Danny. Oh, and Lucifer’s here. He’s got a new foster kid, pretty damn cute if you ask me.”

“Well no one asked you,” Balthazar commented with a wink.

“Why do I feel like you’ll be with Gabriel the whole night?” Castiel groaned.

“Don’t tell him Gabriel’s here!” Michael insisted hurriedly, but it was too late, Balthazar was already heading for the door.

“It’s freezing out here. Let’s head in,” Castiel said, realizing he was outside in the middle of winter with no jacket on. Michael agreed, and they started trudging up the steps.

“Castiel?” he heard, turning to see Anna and Danielle approaching.

“Hey, glad you guys could make it!” Castiel had to step inside to wait for them once he realized he was shivering and freezing cold. Anna soon made it to the front hall, wrapping her brother in a hug.

“It’s good to see you,” she mumbled into his shoulder.

Within an hour, dinner was ready, all of the guests were there, Gabriel had nearly broken his arm, Balthazar had thrown a lamp at Gabriel, Hunter was crying, and Danny had the biggest grin on his face amongst the chaos.

They all sat down, squished together in the too small dining room, where Maria insisted they say grace. Everyone groaned but Danny and Ida, who obediently bowed their heads. Castiel followed their lead, and soon enough Maria was leading them in a prayer.

“O Lord, we thank you for this meal we are about to eat, and for all of us to be here, together, at a time other than Christmas. Please accept our thanks into your heart. Amen.” There were a few muttered amens before everyone dug into their meal, chicken and roasted potatoes and broccoli. Danny’s favourite, as recently discovered.

“Uncle Luke?” Ida asked. Lucifer looked up from his plate.

“Yes, Ida?”

“Why does Uncle Gabe call you Luci? Isn’t that a girl’s name?” Castiel looked around warily at his family members.

“Well, uh, Uncle Gabe calls me that because my name is Lucifer. So Luci is shortened.”

“Like the devil?” Ida asked in a loud voice, causing both Castiel and Maria to flinch.

“Yeah,” Lucifer muttered. “Something like that.” Ida nodded.

“It makes sense. I like Luke better.”

“Me too, kiddo. Me too.” And the meal continued, with general discussion about Balthazar’s kids, and if Michael was ever going to take a break from work, how school was going for all the kids, if Peter and Aaron were entering preschool at all. Gabriel, of course, snuck in as many dick jokes he could throughout the episode. Castiel just rolled his eyes and tried his best to ignore the asshole, but Gabriel was loud, and Andrea sure as hell could ask a lot of questions about one single dirty joke.

Eventually, everyone finished their meals. It was barely seven at night, and it seemed Peter and Aaron were down for the count, passing out on their father’s lap. Cake had just ended with Danny looking more happy and excited than Castiel had ever seen him, blowing out all of the candles at once. Everyone cheered and clapped, and now they were in the living room with Danny opening all of his new gifts.

From Charlie and Gilda, he received a remote control car. Vera and Levi would certainly hate that. Anna and Danielle gave him a giftcard to PetSmart, which he was ecstatic about, since he apparently could never have enough live plants. It was beginning to become a problem. Balthazar gave him a giant bottle of Maple Syrup from Quebec. Michael presented the boy with a stamp collecting book (seriously? Stamp collecting? Whatever) while Gabriel and Kali bought him tickets to an afternoon at the movies, if he ever wanted to go. Lucifer got him fifty bucks, since he really didn’t know what the kid wanted, while Andrea presented him with a hand drawn picture of a unicorn. Maria got him a tent, since he had once mentioned wanting to go camping in the summer. Castiel thought that gift was the one he was most excited about, other than the dogs, of course.

And everyone was making their peace.

Gabriel and Kali left after presents, to get the boys home. Lucifer headed out to the motel with the kids, Andrea practically dead to the world at only eight at night. Anna had to work early, so off she and Danielle went, and Gilda had to work just as early as Castiel, making her and Charlie leave after a long and very drawn out goodbye. Ida’s eyes were drooping, so she was taken upstairs.

Now it was just Castiel, Maria, Michael, Balthazar and Danny downstairs.

“So, Danny, how do like living with our dear old Cassie?” Balthazar questioned.

“It’s really nice. Much better than the homes, that’s for sure.” Balthazar nodded.

“I imagine.”

“Castiel tells us that you like animals,” Michael interrupted. Danny nodded. “What kinds?”

“All kinds. I like every species, there’s always something new to learn,” Danny explained. Michael nodded. He looked at his watch.

“I think we might need to head on out. We’re going to need to hit the road early to get home to Ashley, and Baz flies out in just a couple of days.”

There were more farewells and hugs. Maria announced she too was exhausted, and with many hugs to Castiel and especially Danny, she retired up to the guest room. Castiel took Danny upstairs, and after he changed into his pyjamas, Castiel tucked him in.

“Goodnight, Danny. I love you.”

“Love you too, Uncle Cas,” Danny murmured, rolling over on his bed and closing his eyes. Castiel ran his hand gently down the boy’s back before closing the door and entering the hallway.

It was a wonderful end to a wonderful day.


	11. Chapter 11

That was the only way to describe Christmas morning in the Novak/Milton/Whatever the fuck else household; chaos. There were too many people doing too many things at once in Castiel’s childhood home, and he couldn’t be happier. The grin he had on his face was radiating happiness around the room. He was sitting on the floor with Ida in his lap and Danny beside him, Xavier’s head in the boy’s lap. God only knew where Persephone was. The cats were slinking around somewhere in the house, Leviathan overjoyed to be back home. One of the neighbours had agreed to feed the fish and turn lights on and off, so Castiel had nothing to worry about.

Maria was standing by the tree, reading names off of gifts and handing them out. Anna and Danielle were sitting on the couch with Natalie and Charlotte beside them, Charlotte holding a baby in her arms while her husband, Avery, sat on the arm of the couch beside them. Kieran was in the old armchair, Vera snuggled up on his lap. Gabriel and Kali had the loveseat, Aaron and Peter bouncing excitedly on their laps. Castiel had never seen all of these people this happy at once. And he had never been more grateful for his mother, this shining, joyous woman who could light up a room with her laugh and keep everyone entertained for hours on end.

“This one is for Danny!” she announced, moving forwards and placing the package in the boy’s lap. The smile that was plastered on his face warmed Castiel’s heart. He wrapped an arm around his nephew’s lap as he tore into the present and held up a packaged baseball bat.

“Wow, this is so awesome! Thanks, Uncle Kieran, it’s so cool!” Danny exclaimed. Kieran smiled widely at him.

“I wasn’t sure you’d like it, but, hey, everyone can learn baseball!”

“Yeah, I used to play it with dad. It was tons of fun!” Danny told them. They all smiled genuinely. Over the past nearly two months, talking about his parents had become much, much easier for Danny, which was a huge relief to Castiel.

“I’m not sure I’ll be as good as him, but I can try,” Castiel chuckled. Kieran snorted,

“Jim, you can’t play for shit. I’ll come up and teach you some moves, kid.”

“That would be awesome, Uncle Kieran, thanks!” Danny was practically glowing. Kieran had sobered up in the past decade and a half. The man had gotten a therapist and gone to rehab. It was a long and painful process, but, in the end, Kieran was better for it. He still didn’t trust people, but he now had it in him to love his family.

“Oh, and this one is for Ida,” Maria said, giving the present to the little girl, who was squirming her way forwards to grab it from her grandmother. She opened the longer package, and when it was a small, tailored suit, she shrieked in delight and threw her arms over Castiel’s neck.

“Thank you, Uncle Cassie, thankyouthankyou!” she shouted. “I’m going to put it one right now!” She tore out of the room, startling Xavier, and Castiel was hot on her heels, knowing the girl wouldn’t be able to tackle this on her own.

“Uncle Cas, I’m _fine_.”

“Well I don’t want you strangling yourself with a tie!” Castiel called to her as he followed slowly behind her on the stairs. She was taking an awful long time to climb them with one hand on the banister and the other dragging the suit. She had decided on a long nightgown the night before, and it was really not optimal for carrying things up and down stairs. Especially with Christmas excitement making her oh so bouncy and excited.

“I guess I could use a little help,” she mumbled, finally reaching the top of the stairs and allowing Castiel to enter the bathroom with her. She pulled the nightgown up and over her head, Castiel neatly folding it and placing it on the floor behind the sink. Ida pulled on the dress pants and Castiel held up the button up shirt for her to don as well. He buttoned it for her, then placed a vest over top, grabbing the tie and gently placing it around her neck. Once that was tied, she threw on the jacket, absolutely _radiating_ happiness, making nothing short of a grin crack Castiel’s face. He hurriedly put on her socks and shoes, and she did a little twirl in the bathroom.

“My goodness you look incredible!” Castiel announced. Ida blushed, hiding her hands behind her back. She went towards Castiel and raised her arms. He lifted her up, and she placed a kiss on his cheek before wrapping her small arms around his neck.

“Thank you so much,” she said into his hair. Castiel squeezed her back before gently placing her on her feet. She flew from the room, thumping loudly and as quickly as possible down the stairs. Castiel followed behind her, and when he reached the living room, she was already in the parlour, showing off her new suit to all of the family members. Maria flashed Castiel a grin and a thumbs up, and Castiel smiled back. Most of the other presents had been opened in the time it took to get Ida suited up, and all that remained were Castiel’s, Ida’s, and a few for numerous people. Castiel was tossed three different packages at once by none other than Gabriel, all of them hitting him in the chest.

“What on earth would I do without you, Gabe?” Castiel asked, his voice seeping with sarcasm. Gabriel shrugged.

“Start a drug cartel in Mexico with one of the Winchesters?” he grinned as Castiel threw a pillow at him. Maria and Anna had matching eye rolls. Castiel opened his gifts to find all of them to be two sets of funny ties. He smiled around the room, thanking Kali, Kieran and Charlotte.

“My class is going to love these,” he told them.

“Next up is Ida!” Maria announced, giving the girl a wrapped box while she handed something else to Gabriel. Ida gasped, looking around the room, her eyes settling on Danny, who was looking at the floor.

“Ida, sweetie, what is it?” Castiel asked, glancing from his nephew to his niece.

“Mr. Stuffington,” she whispered. Castiel cast a glance towards Danny.

“When we were in foster care, Ida had a bear named Mr. Stuffington, but when we were at our last home, he got eaten. The lady threw him out, but I saved him. I’ve been sewing him for a while.” Danny looked down at the floor, a blush in his face. Across the room, Gabriel had opened his present, which was a sign for the car that said _Warning: asshole on the road._ But even he was quiet while Ida hugged the bear close, tears in her eyes. “Mom gave it to her when she was born. I got a monkey, but it was in the crash, and it caught on fire.” The room was silent, even the twins sensing the mood and quieting down.

Castiel moved from where he was standing, going to Danny and kneeling beside him, gently placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder. He pulled Danny into his arms, hugging him tight. Danny returned the hug briefly before pulling away, a slight blush in his cheeks.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Didn’t mean to make everyone uncomfortable.”

“Oh, no baby, no,” Maria told him softly, wiping her eyes when she thought no one was looking. “We’re just sorry that this is what had to happen. You could never make us uncomfortable; we’re family. We all love you.” Danny nodded, averting his eyes. Castiel could tell that the boy was fighting tears. He kept one hand on Danny’s shoulder, sitting beside him and turning back to his family.

Apparently Natalie had lost her mind. She had purchased a marshmallow shooter for Danny, Ida, Gabe, the twins, Anna, Danielle, Kieran, Charlotte and her husband, Ethan, and, yes, Castiel. He gave his mother an exasperated look, but she just shrugged with a grin, sitting down beside Natalie and baby Marcus, looking smug as all could be that her sister had been smart enough from involving Maria in this tomfoolery. Castiel squared his shoulders. He had been paired up with Ida, who looked quite dashing in her suit. Gabriel was with his own children, Anna and Charlotte were together, Kieran and Danny, and, finally, the lovebirds got each other’s company, though Castiel assumed they would just screw off and take a nap or something- raising a baby must be exhausting, and from what Castiel could hear, they got hardly any sleep.

He and Ida went upstairs with Xavier on their heels, quickly scurrying into the bathroom and hiding in the shower curtain, Castiel clamping a hand over Ida’s mouth to keep her from giggling up a storm. Xavier had somehow managed to weasel his way into the shower with them, and while Castiel and Ida stood at the ready, the dog sat next to them, large and gross smelling and panting, happy as could be, staring up with his tongue lolling out. Unsurprisingly, they weren’t hidden for very long, what with the massive dog and Ida’s uncontrollable laughter when he licked her hand and it supposedly tickled. Danny ripped back the curtain, and the marshmallows flew, Castiel going down fast and shielding Ida, who grabbed the dog by his collar and flew out of there. Castiel lunged forwards and took Kieran down into the bath, screaming “SAVE YOURSELF, IDA, RUN!” while Kieran struggled halfheartedly, choking down guffaws. Castiel died dramatically, his final wish “Please. Help… Ida.” Danny was on the floor, gasping with laughter as Castiel laid there, tongue hanging out of his mouth, one leg bent under his body and the other flung out of the tub, his arms splayed across the back of the bath like wings.

“Okay, okay, let’s leave the drama king to himself,” Kieran chortled, he and Danny moving on to find their next victims, who Castiel sincerely hoped would be Gabe. Speak of the devil, as soon as Castiel reached the bottom of the stairs, his face was pelted with marshmallows.

“Gabe, I’m out!” he yelled. One final marshmallows hit him square in the forehead. Of course it was Peter. Who just happened to be on his father’s shoulders. Castiel sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. Gabriel snorted, taking Aaron’s small hand and leading him away, Peter scoping out the lower levels. Castiel went back to the parlour, sinking onto the loveseat next to Kali, a goofy grin on his face. He looked over at Natalie.

“Oh, and fuck you, by the way,” he commented absently. Natalie nearly choked on the milk she had just put into her mouth, quickly passing the baby to her sister before choking it down and bursting into laughter. Kali was laughing right along with her, slapping Castiel on the arm playfully. Castiel rolled his eyes before adjusting himself to actually be sitting on the couch. The war was still raging on, and they were waiting for the next victim to arrive.

“Jim?” he heard from beside him, turning to face Kali. “I don’t think I’ve said this yet, but I just wanted to tell you that I really love what you’re doing with Danny and Ida. I mean, after nine months of carrying Peter and Aaron, Gabe and I were nowhere near ready to be parents, but you… You just seem to be a natural. And that’s something that not everyone can say. So I’m very glad that you’ve taken them, and just know that you’re doing great.” Castiel gave her a large smile before reaching forwards and wrapping his arms around Kali.

“It means a lot, Kali,” he told her quietly. “Thank you.”

“She isn’t wrong,” Natalie piped up. It looked like she had Marcus back in her arms, and was rocking him gently, looking at him with such affection that Castiel knew only a grandmother truly could. “You’re doing an amazing job, especially with Danny. He’s a great kid, and I think you’ll be a large help to getting him on the right path in life.” Castiel knew Maria wouldn’t comment, because she had said enough throughout the past months of his life to last him forever.

“It means so much hearing that from the both of you. Thank you, so much. Really. I- I can’t even begin to tell you…” Kali was fidgeting beside him. He looked over at her with a raised eyebrow. “Are you alright, Kali?”

“Yes, doing fine… It’s just Gabe, you know?” Castiel snorted, and Maria shook her head.

“We all know. Do I need to kill him? It’s been on my bucket list for years.” Kali laughed lightly, and shook her head.

“It’s just that he’s very childish, and I love that about him, most of the time, I really do. He really is great with Peter and Aaron, now that they’re old enough that he can do more than drop them and give me a heart attack about letting him hold them. I love him to pieces.”

“Kali, what are you meaning to tell us?” Maria asked, moving forwards on the couch, her lips set in a thin line. All Castiel could imagine at this point was that it must be some kind of divorce. Why else would Kali look as she did, and seem as if she was worried about everything Gabriel did?

“I was meaning to announce this at dinner. We both were. But… well, screw it. We’re having another baby,” Kali told them, smiling weakly.

“Kali, that’s wonderful!” Castiel exclaimed, wrapping his sister in law in a large hug. Maria squealed, getting up off the couch and going to hug Kali as well. Natalie remained seated, smiling fondly at Kali.

“Another grandbaby, oh my, this is the best present I ever could have asked for!” Maria gushed. Kali was blushing as this point, averting her eyes from the group. Her hands were wringing in her lap, and Castiel knew that she must be terrified. He couldn’t imagine having to already give birth to and look after twins, but now, with a third in the mix, Kali must be stressed.

“If the two of you ever need any help, I’m only fifteen minutes away, and Ida loves babies,” Castiel told her, gently placing his hand on her arm. Kali gave him a grateful look.

“Thank you so much, Jim, it means a lot. You know how… loud Peter and Aaron can be. Honestly, I might just send Gabe along with them,” she laughed.

“Are you talking about how nice my ass looks _again_ , Kali?” Gabriel teased, announcing his presence in the room, Peter and Aaron wrapped around his legs. Maria stood, giving her son a big bear hug. “I know you’re glad I’m safe from marshmallows, mom, but was the hug necessary?” Gabe joked. Maria rolled her eyes.

“No, you idiot, I’m hugging you because I’m happy for you!”

“Whyyyy?” Gabriel asked, an eyebrow raised as he looked from Maria to Kali and back.

“Kali told us about the baby!”

“Oh thank fuck the cat’s out of the bag, I was about to have a goddam aneurysm!” Gabriel yelled, sinking into the barely there space between Castiel and Kali. Kali slapped him lightly for swearing, while the twins just giggled, climbing up their father’s legs and sitting on his lap.

“You know, Gabe, there are other places to sit. Other than half of my lap, that is,” Castiel grumbled. Gabriel threw an arm over both Kali and his brother, smirking at the man.

“But you’re so _comfortable_. Plus, it’s Christmas, so you can’t get _that_ angry at me without upsetting the Christmas gods!” There was a shriek from the other room, and all of a sudden in came Charlotte and Avery, Charlotte’s hair covered in marshmallows and Avery still shooting, laughing like a child.

“I see somebody’s back already,” Natalie remarked, grinning up at her daughter.

“Apparently the hall closet was a bad spot to hide,” Avery chuckled. Charlotte rolled her eyes.

“I _told_ you we should have hidden under Castiel’s bed! Nobody ever goes in there for fear of finding a misplaced dildo.” Castiel choked on his spit and Gabriel laughed louder than he had in years, passing one twin to Kali and the other to his brother while he dropped from the couch, rolling around on the floor and clutching his stomach, tears streaming from his eyes, chest heaving. Castiel’s face was redder than a tomato. Maria was barely containing her giggles, and Kali just rolled her eyes down at her husband. Natalie snickered into her hand.

“What happened in here?” Anna asked, smiling lightly with one arm around Danielle, picking marshmallows and dust bunnies out of her hair.

“Nothing!” Castiel exclaimed at the same time Gabriel yelled “Dildos!” Danielle put a hand over her mouth, biting it to keep from laughing.

“Wha-?”

“Anna, please, for the love of God, don’t ask,” Castiel begged. Anna shrugged.

“What happened to your hair, Danielle? Why all the dust bunnies?” Charlotte asked, moving over to the other side of her cousin and helping Anna remove the small bits of grey from the girl’s hair. Gabriel had somewhat composed himself and was now sitting against Kali’s legs.

“We were hiding in Uncle Jimmy’s old room, and when Danny and Uncle Kieran came in, mom shoved me under the bed,” Danielle muttered. Castiel gave Gabriel a death stare, but that didn’t stop the tears from leaking from his eyes as he collapsed in another fit of laughter. Danielle opened her mouth to ask what he was laughing at, but when she saw the mortified and exhausted look on Castiel’s face, she snapped her mouth closed and decided she would live much longer if she never asked what that was about. She also knew that her sanity would last longer if she didn’t question it, but just go along with it. Anna shook her head at her brother’s childishness, a small smile on her face.

“Daaaaaad!” rang from out of the room, and every single person froze, including the little girl who was saying it. Ida had stopped in dead in her tracks, and was looking at her entire family looking at her. Castiel cleared his throat and walked forwards, kneeling before Ida. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay, Ida,” Castiel hushed. “You can call me that if you want to. It’s really okay.” Ida nodded, but she looked sad and conflicted. On one hand, she loved Castiel, and she saw him as a father figure in his life, and he was really the only father she had ever known. But at the same time, there was the great man that Danny talked about over and over, telling her how amazing and kind and sweet he was. She had this real, great father before her, but she also had this imaginary one, the one she would never meet, never know, who her brother loved so much. She decided that she loved them both, but there was only one she could actually talk to and hug and kiss and love.

“If it’s okay, I kinda like dad,” she mumbled, looking down at her shoes. When she looked back up, Castiel’s eyes were shiny and his smile happy

“I like it too,” he told her, standing and taking her hand in his. Ida waved at her family, sitting down on Castiel’s lap when he sat against the loveseat; Gabriel had claimed his spot in his absence. Real big shocker there. Castiel wrapped his arms around the young girl, holding her tight.

“No time for losers, ‘cause we are the CHAMPIONS! OF THE WOOOORLD!” Kieran and Danny sang as they sauntered into the room, marshmallow guns raised above their heads in triumph, Kieran grinning widely while Danny continued to sing.

“Yeah, yeah, showoffs! It’s not our faults you got paired up with the army vet! Totally unfair!” Gabriel pouted, while Kali laughed and muttered ‘Whiny bastard’ under her breath. Gabriel just rolled his eyes.

For the remainder of the day, everyone got along with everyone fairly well. Ida had to take her suit off at one point, since it was too hot, and Castiel dressed her in a white dress with green dots, as per her request. All of the kids were sitting down in the living room playing with toys while the adults sat around on couches chatting, except for a small few. Castiel was in the kitchen with Anna and Maria, all of them working on the baking, while upstairs Charlotte was nursing Marcus before taking a nap when the baby did. They would hopefully be awake in time for dinner.

The three in the kitchen eventually had enough time in between cooking things to sit down for a small break. Castiel took his spot at the table and stretched out his legs, hand wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate. Anna had ‘coffee’ but Castiel assumed it was more Irish than coffee at this point.

“Ida certainly likes her suit,” Anna commented absently.

“She looks lovely in it, don’t you think?” Maria replied brightly.

“Whatever makes her happy,” Castiel said, smiling happily.

“Doesn’t seem a little… odd?” Anna asked, her hands moving slowly in front of her. Castiel frowned.

“Not really. I mean, plenty of people wear suits.”

“I know, she just seems very… boyish. You know?”

“And?” Castiel asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“And nothing. It was just an observation.”

“Anna…” Maria warned.

“Ida can be whatever and whoever she wants. She can be what she wants, and she can do what she likes with her hair and her body. It isn’t my decision on what she likes and doesn’t like, Anna.”

“I know, Jim. I just don’t want her to wake up one day and decide she’s a boy or something ridiculous like that.” Castiel bristled. Maria shot Anna a look.

“And what do you mean by that?” Castiel nearly growled.

“Nothing, Jim,” she sighed. “Nothing at all.”

“It's Christmas, and I really don’t want to get into another fight, Anna, I don’t, but I’m telling you right now; Ida will never be discriminated against. If one day, she wakes up and tells me she wants to be a boy, she can be a boy. If she wants to be a boy forever, so be it. If she wakes up one day and wants to be a boy, and the next day a girl, _she can do what she pleases._ It’s her choice.” Anna’s lips were in a tight line. Maria stood, going back to the kitchen area to avoid the argument that was about to start.

“Do you really want to raise a child that way, Jim? Flip flopping from gender to gender whenever they wish? Hell, next thing you know, she’ll be switching between gay and straight, too!”

“Anna, I don’t understand why you’re saying these things. Are you telling me that you wouldn’t love Danielle unconditionally, no matter what?”

“What I’m saying is that some things are just plain wrong, Jim.” Castiel bristled.

“So my being gay is wrong?” Anna sighed.

“No, that isn’t it- I understand perfectly well that people can be gay, and that’s fine, but… switching genders? It just isn’t natural.”

“Okay, I think that’s enough,” Maria cut in, coming back over. “Castiel, go back out with the kids. Anna and I can handle the food.”

“Mom-”

“Don’t you ‘mom’ me, now get,” Maria insisted, shooing him out of the room. On his way back to the parlour, he could hear low, furious whispers between his mother and his sister. Anger flowed through his veins. What right did Anna have to say those things? What did Anna know that Castiel didn’t? Why did people have to be to blind and ignorant to the things around them, picking on innocent children? It just wasn’t right.

After a few hours with the kids, laughing and joking and throwing things at Gabriel when he wasn’t looking, Castiel had almost completely forgotten about his conversation with Anna. That was, until dinner was ready and they all crammed into the table, Anna sitting as far away from her brother as physically possible. It hurt Castiel that she would want to do something like that, and avoid him as much as she could, but he assumed that they would soon get past this as they did all of their other issues, and that she would soon be back to joking with him about ridiculous things.

Under the table, Castiel could feel Xavier and Persephone lurking about for any spare droppings from the meal that was going on above. Ida would slip down turkey bits to them when she thought no one was looking and smirk to herself, proud of her super sleuth powers. Danny, when he caught her doing it, would open his mouth to tell on her, but when he saw that Castiel himself was silently sneaking the dogs treats, he just smiled and laughed at the situation.

“So only a handful of you know this, but… Gabriel and I are having another baby,” Kali said suddenly, surprising most of the people at the table. There was silence, and then cheers of happiness and people moving their chairs to go and embrace Kali and congratulate them and that a third child would be just wonderful. Charlotte seemed especially excited, since now there would be a cousin for Marcus that was around his age. They didn’t know the gender of the baby, but Kali was praying for a girl at this point, though she really didn’t know why, since Gabriel would be molding it into another carbon copy of himself, gender aside.

“I guess there won’t be a spare room anymore,” Maria said.

“Well, we were thinking of moving to a bigger house, since the boys likely won’t want to be roommates forever,” Gabriel told them. Maria nodded.

“That would be nice. Perhaps something more secluded with a bigger yard for them to play in.” Kali smiled warmly.

“I was thinking the same thing.”

The rest of the dinner passed without much interruption, and dessert went without a hitch, delicious pie and cake and someone made Christmas cookies, which made Castiel very happy. By the end of the evening, Avery and Charlotte were upstairs with Marcus, while everyone else was in the parlour by the fire, Christmas carols filtering softly throughout the house. Ida had fallen asleep on Castiel’s lap, her head resting on his chest. Danny was beside him, his head on Castiel’s shoulders with his body wrapped under Castiel’s arm. The were situated on the floor once again, closest to the fire. The cats were nestled just under the hearth, and the dogs were both spread out on Castiel’s free side, snoring happily, drool spilling onto the carpet. Gabriel was on the couch, running his hand through Kali’s hair, who was laying on top of him with the twins curled up on her, Danielle at her feet.

Kieran was squished onto the loveseat between Maria and Natalie, Anna sitting in the recliner all to her lonesome. Everyone was in a post-feast mood, sleepy-eyed and full. The only sounds were the carols, heavy breathing, and the crackle of the fire. Castiel yawned at the same time Danny did, the boy snuggling up into his uncle’s side and wrapping his arms sleepily around him and his sister. It reminded Castiel of how young his nephew really was. Castiel felt heavy-lidded, and fought it all the way, wanting to stay awake just a little longer. Maria reached her hand down from above, gently moving her fingers through Castiel’s hair as Gabriel was Kali’s. Castiel leaned back into the loveseat, making a noise of happiness and contentment.

“Merry Christmas, mom,” he whispered.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” she whispered back. Castiel finally allowed his eyes to slide closed. It was the most relaxed he had been in a long, long time.

………..

Dean woke up at the crack of dawn, cursing the Christmas season. Timmy and Ben were in his and Lisa’s room, bouncing on the bed and screaming about Santa and snow. They were soon joined by Adam, who threw himself onto Dean and yelled as loud as possible ‘DEAN WAKE UP IT’S CHRISTMAS GET ME MY PRESENTS!’ Dean laughed, but Lisa just groaned and rolled over, covering her ears. She had been complaining about a headache the past few days, and Dean knew this wouldn’t be helping her at all.

“Get off me!” Dean yelled, laughing and throwing Adam onto the floor. He scooped Timmy into his arms and stood, swinging him around.

“Dad, dad let me down, let me down!” Timmy shrieked.

“Me next, me next!” Ben insisted. Dean shifted Timmy to one arm and scooped Ben up in the other. They made it to the hallway with Adam behind them, Dean nodding at his sons, who pounded on Emma’s door and screamed for her to come downstairs. Dean leapt down the stairs with both boys in his arms while they shrieked and gasped over the Christmas tree. Dean grinned when he saw that Sam was in the same boat he was. They had gotten in late last night, and, exhausted from their flight, Sam and Jess had just collapsed on the pull-out with the boys, barely saying two words at all. Now, the small family was awake with Andrew and James shrieking just as loud as their cousins. Dean set Ben and Timmy down, and they rushed over to see the eaten cookies and the glass of milk that was shockingly empty. Adam stood next to Dean, arm on his shoulder, smiling towards his nephews. Sam stood, walking over to them and embracing them both tightly.

“It’s been way too long, man,” Dean grunted, slapping his brother on the back. Sam stepped back, nodding his agreement with a hand on the back of his neck. Adam moved towards Jess and wrapped her in a hug, then turned to the kids, screaming and jumping and dancing with them, taking Andrew, the youngest at three, and spinning him in a circle high above his head, much to the boy’s delight. James was chasing his older cousins around the room, squealing in delight when they tackled him to the ground and started tickling him. Sam and Dean watched the chaos from a distance, both of them smiling brightly.

“Timmy seems great, Dean. I wish we could’ve flown out in the summer to meet him,” Sam told him. Dean nodded.

“Me too, but I get it, Sammy, lots going on in your big, fancy lawyer life. By the way, you would look _much_ more professional if you would cut off that lion’s mane you’re growing out there,” Dean teased. Sam rolled his eyes and pulled a bitch face. God, was Dean happy to see that. His chest ached with happiness at finally seeing his brother again. He loved Adam, but he wasn’t Sammy. Sammy, who knew everything and always knew just the right thing to say and when to smack Dean upside the head and when to hug him. Sammy, who had been there with the Cas and Lisa thing and when their dad had gone apeshit and become the world’s most renowned drunk. Sammy, who Dean had carried out of that burning house all those years ago.

And now, he was back. Dean had his brother back, and he absolutely couldn’t be happier about it.

“Dean?” Sam asked, waving a hand in front of his brother’s face. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, just real happy to see you, man.” Dean slapped Sam’s back again.

“Dad?” he heard, turning around to see Emma on the stairs, rubbing her bleary eyes and yawning. “Uncle Sam!” she shrieked, running forwards and throwing herself into Sam’s arms. Emma was totally dwarfed by the man, but didn’t care, just snuggled into him and squeezed her arms around his midsection. Sam laughed and hugged her back, pulling her off of the ground and spinning her around. Jess and Dean both watched fondly in the background. Dean nodded at his sister in law and she smiled back, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead. Jess, as twenty nine, looked tired but happy, and Dean was glad to see it. He was grateful that Sam had been able to find her again when he went out to California, and relieved that there was someone he trusted to look out for the moose.

“Merry Christmas, kiddo,” Sam said into her hair as he kissed the top of her head. Emma pulled back, still grinning. She turned to Jess and hugged her too, then looked in shock at Andrew and James, who were so much bigger at this point in their lives. Adam had Andrew on his shoulders, while Ben and Timmy were lifting James off the ground and marching him around, the five year old squealing and shrieking. Emma joined the crazy, while Sam moved to Jess and wrapped an arm around her waist. Dean shoved his hands into his pyjama pockets, watching with a sense of joy filling his body. Behind him, he heard creaking on the stairs, seeing Lisa shuffling down. She gave him a weak smile and he frowned.

Things weren’t going well. It had been months now that they had been distanced, and they had made an agreement to try and fix it, but to make an appearance at Christmas as a happy family for the sake of Sam. Dean didn’t need his brother worrying about this of all things. He had stupidly called Sam about Cas, and he now realized how truly idiotic that was. Sam was out of the loop about Lisa, though, and it was going to stay that way. Dean shoved all of these thoughts to the back of his mind, stepping forwards and stretching out his hand to her.

“You okay, Lisa?” he asked, concern masking his voice. She waved him off with one hand while clutching her head tightly with the other.

“MOM!” Ben screamed, running forwards and enveloping his mother in a hug, Lisa visibly flinching at the level of his voice. She hugged him back anyways. “Merry Christmas, mom!”

“Merry Christmas, Ben,” she replied softly, a warm smile replacing the tired one that had been there previously. Emma, sensing the mood, approached quietly, also encasing her mother in a hug, while Timmy did the same. Lisa moved forwards slowly, keeping one hand on Dean’s arm as she moved forwards, embracing Sam and then Jess, ending with a squished group hug with Andrew and James. She sat heavily on the couch with her head in her hands, Dean hovering beside her. Emma was beside him, looking at her mother with concern.

“Hey, Lisa, are you okay?” Sam asked gently.

“Fine, fine. Just a little headache. Nothing serious,” Lisa insisted, looking up too quickly and hissing, moving her head back slowly with clenched teeth.

“If you need to go back up to bed, it’s completely fine,” Dean told her softly, placing a hand on her leg. She nodded slightly.

“I want to stay for presents, but… would you all mind if I headed back up afterwards?” Lisa asked them, looking disappointed in herself and like she wished more than anything that this ridiculous migraine hadn’t come along. Dean hoped to God that she wasn’t faking.

“You okay, mom?” Ben asked, crawling into her lap.

“I will be, sweetie, I just need a little rest is all.” Ben nodded. Jess had James in her arms, and was telling him to try and keep his voice down for a little while. Sam had Andrew, and was smiling at the giggling toddler as he threw him in the air, bringing him down and curling the small human into his chest. Andrew was blessedly silent after Sam asked him to be. You could hear a pin drop in the room for just the smallest of seconds, and then the slightly quieter craziness of opening presents began. Ben received a number of things, from build your own car collections to new CDs to a drawing pad and artist pencil crayons. Emma got new headphones and a Beatles record with a record player to go along. Timmy got a whole new series of books as well as markers and a bunch of new shirts, an action figure wrapped up in one of them. He also got the promise of something he had always wanted- a lizard. Dean and Lisa told him that he would need to continue proving himself to be able to care for it as he had been the past few months, and they would research the best kind. By the end of January, they would get the appropriate tank, and in February the crawly creature itself. Timmy was over the moon. Lisa got a necklace as well as numerous decorating magazines for the house. She had been very happy to receive them, though she couldn’t go near the strong smelling magazines at the time. Adam, never to be forgotten, got the most recent season of Spongebob (‘I’m not six, Dean’ ‘You know you love it’ ‘Maybe’) and new work boots as well as some plaid t shirts from Sam, Adam just rolling his eyes at them while Sam guffawed.

Dean got a new wrench set and probably ten Clint Eastwood movies from Sam. “You remembered Clyde!” Dean exclaimed happily, clapping his brother on the back. Sam had rolled his eyes and nodded. Sam and his family had opened some presents back home before the flight, but Dean had made sure they all got something. Dean and Sam had an agreement to only get the other, their spouse, and maybe their kids the cheapest things they could and most sentimental things they could. For instance, not that Sam would tell Dean this, the moves had only been fifty cents each, since apparently people weren’t very fond of Clint Eastwood anymore.

Keeping in the spirit of their Christmas agreement, Dean got Sam six packs of shampoo and conditioner. Sam had pursed his lips and muttered “Again, Dean? Really?” under his breath while Dean and Adam high fived, laughing hysterically. When Jess got her present, Dean was on the edge of his seat, practically crying with laughter before she even got it. Jess opened the box. And then another box. And another, another, another, another before she _finally_ reached the present, which was a small business card to a local divorce lawyer in Sioux Falls. Dean snorted out his laughter, clapping his hands and high fiving Adam once again. The kids, at this point, were watching in silence, or, in Emma’s case, rolling their eyes. This happened every year, and though it was new to Timmy, Ben had been warning him about it for weeks at this point. James received a Superman action figure and mask, while Andrew got a Batman action figure and mask. Sam had snapped his head up at that, looking at Dean with teary eyes and adoring eyes. Dean just nodded.

“I think that’s everyone,” Adam announced, but Sam stood up and walked to his bag.

“Actually,” he said, “I got in contact with dad a few months back.” The room grew tense, and Timmy looked around in confusion. He had never met Dean’s father, and had been told that he never would, that Bobby was a good enough grandpa to last him a lifetime. Timmy had never been told _why_ he hadn’t met John, and he made a mental note to ask Emma about it later.

“Why would you go and do something like that?” Dean asked, shifting in his seat.

“I know, Dean, I know, but he had something that I know belongs to you. I know you… you never got them back, when you left after everything, so I asked if he still had them, and he did, so…” Sam walked over to Dean and thrust a small box into his hands. Dean raised an eyebrow, but opened it. His breath caught in his throat. He moved a hand to his mouth, then the back of his neck, before finally, gingerly, reaching into the box and pulling out the first of the faded Polaroid pictures. There was his mom snuggling him as a baby. Christmas day with Dean opening presents, Mary laughing. John and Mary together, and in the next one, they were interrupted as Dean crawled into their laps. Mary holding a toddler Dean with a box over his head. Her bright and happy face as she pointed to her pregnant belly while Dean sat in front of her, then in the next he had his ear against it. There was Mary in the hospital, Dean on her lap with Sammy in his arms. The next had John holding Dean on his shoulders while Mary held Sam, John with one arm wrapped around her shoulders, all of them smiling. That one was two weeks before the fire. The last three pictures were taken the night she died. One was her kissing Dean on his forehead, Hey Jude still on her lips, the other her kissing Sammy, and the last was her reading in bed. John had put these in the kitchen, in a drawer, and they hadn’t been affected by the flames.

Dean smiled and laughed, and by God he didn’t have to wipe tears away he most certainly didn’t leave the room to compose himself. Sam followed him out, and Lisa told the kids to wait in the room, that it wasn’t the right time. Sam wrapped his brother into a bone crushing hug, and Dean returned it full force, mumbling ‘Thank you’ into Sam’s shoulder. Eventually, they parted with Dean letting out an awkward cough and putting his hand to the back of his neck. Emma peaked around the corner, and Dean smiled, an invitation to come over and that everything was all right. She glided across the room, pulling her father into a hug. Dean hugged her back, resting his chin on the top of her head and closing his eyes. He heard Sam leave. He gently swayed back and force, and her grip never lessened.

“Are you okay, dad?” she asked into his chest. She felt the rumble of his laugh through his shirt.

“I’m okay, baby, just happy is all.”

“That was grandma?” Emma asked. Dean nodded, pulling away from his daughter, and _not_ wiping his eyes damn it. He pulled out the box, showing her the different pictures and telling her when they were taken and what was going on. No one interrupted them, which was nice. Dean knew he would likely have to repeat the process with his sons, but it was really nice to just talk to Emma for now.

“This, uh. This was the night she- the night she died. She had just finished singing to me and Sammy.”

“Hey Jude?” Dean smiled and nodded.

“Hey Jude. It really was her favourite song. I should listen to it more often.” Emma smiled up at him from the pictures, and he saw tears on her cheeks. Dean wiped them away gently and hugged her close again.

“I wish I could have known her,” Emma mumbled into his chest.

“Me too, baby. But just know that when you think of her, don’t get sad. She wouldn’t be happy if we were sad. She would want us to remember the happy times, not the sad ones. She would smack me if she found out we were crying over her,” Dean chuckled. Emma huffed a laugh, moving away and wiping her eyes quickly. Dean grabbed her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Ew, dad,” she muttered, wiping it off. Dean smiled.

“That’s my girl.” They moved back into the living room. Lisa looked exhausted, and the kids were all running around, Sam insisting they go into any other room. Lisa gave Dean a near desperate look. Dean caught on, and took her elbow, leading her up the stairs. He helped her into bed and shut the blinds against the harsh light reflecting the snow.

“Thank you,” she mumbled gratefully.

“Just doing my job,” Dean huffed, turning to leave. Lisa grabbed his arm.

“Dean, I-” Dean arched an eyebrow. “Merry Christmas.” The corners of Dean’s mouth lifted.

“Merry Christmas, Lise.”

Lisa spent the rest of the day in bed. When her parents arrived, Dean explained that she was having a migraine, and her mother quickly went upstairs. Even after all these years, Dane, Lisa’s father, still hated Dean’s guts. Her mother, Cindy, was very kind. She and Dane had divorced years ago, but still kept in touch. Maybe that’s what Lisa was worried about- that they would end up like her parents and that divorce was inevitable. Who knew at this point. Bobby and Jody showed up sometime later while Dean was cooking with Adam, Sam and Jess keeping an eye on the little demons. Jody insisted that Dean and Adam both take breaks, while she began peeling and whipping and whatnot. Adam sat with the kids and Jess on the floor, playing with their new toys. Dean hadn’t had the heart to get them to change out of their pyjamas yet. Hell, he might just let them stay in them for the rest of the day.

He and Bobby and Sam all sat on the couch. It felt… oddly familiar. Dean flashed back to just before Emma was born, when this very same thing had happened. Different couch and different circumstances, but they had all been on this same couch in the same spots. Sam just happened to have been a lot shorter then. Sam and Bobby had already hugged it out, Bobby insisting that Sam needed to come back home more often, that everyone missed him and that it just wasn’t right not seeing his smartest boy every once in a while. Dean had slugged him when he said that, and Bobby punched him right back, both grinning. Emma had rolled her eyes.

“So how’s things back home, Sam?” Bobby questioned. Sam shrugged.

“Pretty good. Jess and the kids are great, and the dogs are doing good. We’ve got a steady flow of cases, and soon Andrew will be in school so Jess with have more time to go to work and I’ll have more time for bigger cases. Things are finally settling down, and it’s pretty nice.” Dean rolled his eyes at the dogs thing.

“How many mutts do you have now, Gigantor? A hundred?” Sam pursed his lips and pulled out a perfect rendition of bitch face number twelve.

“There are only four, Dean.”

“Four too many if you ask me.”

“Well who asked you?”

“I di-”

“Christ almighty, can we have one day where you two ain’t killin’ each other?” Bobby asked, but Dean knew it was only half-hearted and that the old coot had missed their banter.

“Apparently not,” Jess piped up from the floor, and Dean stuck his tongue out at her.

“You’re worse than James!” she laughed. Dane came into the room and sat in the loveseat near the couch.

“Grandpa!” Ben exclaimed, rushing forwards and wrapping the man in a hug. Dane brightened when Ben came near, hugging him fiercely. Timmy stayed on the floor reading, completely oblivious that his grandfather had entered the room. Emma excused herself, and Dean told Sam he’d be right back, following the girl to the stairs.

“Hey,” he said gently, reaching his hand forwards. Emma stopped, looking back at him curiously. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Emma told him. “I’m just not sure grandpa really wants to see me.” Dean cocked an eyebrow.

“What makes you say that?” she came down off of the stairs and the two of them sat on the bottom step together.

“He always seems to like Ben and Timmy more when he visits, and he doesn’t talk to me very often,” she mumbled. That hit Dean right in the chest. Because she was right. Her grandfather really didn’t want to see her. When Lisa had gotten pregnant all those years ago, Dane had pushed her for an adoption or even to destroy the baby somehow, to get on with her life and destroy all ties to Dean Winchester, that he wasn’t good enough for her and that any baby he fathered would be no good. In Dane’s eyes, Emma had truly ruined his little girl’s life. And Dean hated him for it. Lisa, she seemed to be blind to her father’s asshole ways, only seeing him as the man who had eventually helped her in the end, even if he resented her for her pregnancy at first. Emma, though. Emma seemed to be sensing his negative ways. Which was making Dean angrier the longer he thought about it. It just wasn’t right of Dane to do that. Emma had done nothing, _nothing_ , and even if she had, it still wouldn’t have made it right. And for him to favour the boys? That was even worse.

“Listen, Emma, there are a lot of things that you don’t know about from a long time ago. And one day, I’ll tell you, but not today. Your grandpa, he can be an arrogant douche. Yes, I just said that. But at the same time, he does love you. He just has a funny way of showing it. Do you understand?” Emma nodded slowly.

“I think so. He just… needs to get to know me, right?”

“Exactly. I’ll see if maybe you can do something, just the two of you. And you can talk to him and learn more about him and he you. Would that be a good plan?” Emma nodded her head slowly. She stood, and so did Dean.

“Thanks, dad,” she told him with a smile, leaving to go back to the living room. Cindy came down the stairs, touching Dean lightly on the shoulder.

“How’s Lisa?” Dean asked.

“Not the best, I’m afraid,” Cindy told him, pursing her lips. “These darn migraines kill her when they hit. It’s always the worst when it’s a holiday.” Dean nodded.

“They always come at inconvenient times, don’t they?”

“Well, I’m going to go spend time with my grandbabies! And that brother of yours- he seems much better than he was last year.”

“Yeah, a lot less stressful this time around,” Dean told her with a forced smile. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Cindy, she was a very nice lady, he just really sucked at small talk. Really sucked. Cindy placed her hand on his shoulder one last time before she moved into the living room, following after Emma. Dean retreated back to the kitchen with Jodie, and soon Sam was back there too, the three of them talking and laughing like the good old days.

By dinnertime, Dean was pretty sure he was Christmas’d out. He had had enough of the pretending to be happy and the fake smiles and the in laws. He wanted them to leave so he could be with his family and finally be carefree and happy. Lisa came down for dinner, looking much better than before to Dean’s relief. Dinner went on without a hitch. There were no screaming matches and very few messes to clean up, unlike last year when James accidentally spilled milk all down the table and nearly ruined the dinner. But Dean’s favourite part was when the dinner ended. Because Dane left early, saying he was ready for bed. He gave big hugs goodbye to Dean’s kids, shook Dean and Sam’s hands as well as Bobby and Adam, hugged Lisa, and left. Dessert came next, and, finally, things were winding down.

After another hour of socializing and a few more presents, Bobby and Jody headed out, Cindy following behind them. The rest of the family migrated to the living room where that shit version of Rudolph was on the TV. Dean sat with Lisa under his arm, Sam next to him with Jess under his own. Adam was on the floor underneath them, Timmy curled up next to him with his head in his lap. Ben was sprawled across Lisa and Dean, while Andrew was sleeping with his head on his mother’s chest. Emma was curled up with James.

It was quiet, peaceful, _nice_. Dean had been waiting for this all day. The after Christmas cheer. When nobody was trying to be nice or impress others or make lasting memories. Everyone could just chill and be themselves, and it was so great.

Dean looked over at his brother and felt happiness swell in his chest. His Sammy, the Sammy he had been raised to protect, was _happy_.

And, what was so incredibly strange, was that Dean also got to be happy.

It was something he hadn’t imagined he would have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long ass author's note because I can.
> 
> I have never received anything but love from all of you. And I love you all for it. For not shitting on my work, even if you hate it. For giving me kind words, for sticking through my shitty editing and my writer's block and my no longer posting schedule. You all rock, and I appreciate every single one of you.
> 
> This goes out to Nikki- yes, I am going to publicly embarrass you once more. Nikki has kept me posting for a long while. If it wasn't for Nikki, I never would have started writing again, and I would have stopped posting after part one. So thank you, Nikki, for what you've done, and for all of your kind words.
> 
> I think that's all I've got to say. Sorry once more for these long as hell notes. The next chapter should be posted in the next couple of hours, I just need to go over some things on it and do some final polishing!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just in case some of you didn't see it, there is a chapter posted before this one.

Dean looked at his watch, tapping his foot impatiently while he waited for the hand to reach noon so he could fuck off from work and take his little girl out to lunch. Ben had said he didn’t want to go, while Timmy told him he had plans with a new friend, so it was just himself and Emma. It had been three weeks since Christmas, and Sammy was long gone with Jess and the kids. Dean missed them already, even if they were pretty loud and annoying. Dean sighed, still staring at his watch.

“Winchester! Calm your ass down!”

“Shut up. Rufus, can’t a man be excited about a lunch out?”

“Not when there’s work to do! Ya got five minutes; make ‘em count!”

“Whatever, you old coot!” Dean called back, turning to the car before him and inspecting the engine under a bright light.

“Winchester!”

“Jesus Christ, Rufus, give a guy a break, would ya?”

“Lisa’s on the phone!” Rufus yelled back. Dean stood up hastily, smoking his head off of the roof of the car before muttering profanities at the stupid vehicle. Rubbing his slowly growing bump with his hand, Dean made his way across the garage. Lisa was in fucking Montreal for some kind of pitch she had to do for a weird French company. Dean was left with the kids, which he didn’t mind at all. But she was calling at the absolute worst time. Things hadn’t gotten any better between them, and Dean was starting to be less pissed about it and more used to it. Christmas day had been some kind of blessing, but as soon as her headache had left, she seemed to go right back to how she had been. She was just… angry. All the time. It was like she suddenly realized she was a mother and she had never gotten the life she wanted. And now she wanted to take it out on Dean. He was pushing through, hoping it was just a faze, but he was on the verge of suggesting a counselor at this point.

“Dude, pull your head out of your ass and watch where you’re going!” Adam yelled, Dean narrowly missing knocking over both the man and his tool kit.

“Sorry, sorry,” Dean grumbled, stifling a yawn as he finally reached the back office. Rufus thrust a phone in his hand and stormed out. Dean took it, wincing when he sat down and leaned his head against the wall, hitting the sensitive part of his skull. “Yeah?”

“Real nice greeting.”

“Lisa, can we not do this?”

“Fine.”

“What’re you calling for in the middle of the day? You know I’m at work.”

“I know, but this was the only free time I had. Look, they need me here another three days, the executives liked our presentation and they want another meeting. Can you handle the kids?”

“Three more days? Lisa, I don’t know if I can balance work and kids alone for that long.”

“Dean, my job’s important too.”

“I didn’t say it wasn’t!”

“But you’re implying it!”

“No, I- look, I’m sorry, okay? Christ, it’s just…”

“Just?”

“Difficult. I’ll manage.”

“Can’t Adam help out?”

“He can only do so much before the kids decide he isn’t a very good authority figure.”

“Wonder why,” she breathed.

“What was that?”

“Nothing. So, three days is fine?”

“Yes, three days is fine. But Lisa, can’t you at least call when the kids are around? I mean, Emma gets it, but Ben misses you. A lot. And so does Timmy.”

“I know. God, I know. I’m just slammed.”

“Yeah, I hear you.”

“Did you pay the bills?”

“Yup.”

“Take out the garbage?”

“I’m a grown man, Lisa, I can take care of myself.”

“Sure you can.”

“This is the most we’ve spoken in months.” The other end went dead silent. “Lise?”

“Don’t… just don’t, Dean.”

“Don’t what? Don’t mention the shittiness of this situation you’ve put me in? Giving me the cold shoulder for God knows how long and then getting pissy when I bring it up?”

“Dean, just stop, don’t do this now.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because I’m at work and you’re at work. So just stop. Just… not now.”

“Well, isn’t that a shock- all you seem to want to do is fight nowadays.” Static crackled in Dean’s ear.

“The kids are good?”

“The kids are freaking great.”

“No need to be snarky.”

“Oh my- I need to go, I’m- shit! I was supposed to take Emma to lunch. Too late now…”

“Well, I need to go, Fred’s waiting for me.”

“Yeah, all right. Call tonight, ‘kay?”

“I’ll try, Dean.” With that, she hung up the phone. Dean looked over at the clock. It was ten after twelve. By the time he got to the school, recess would be halfway done, forget about lunch. Sighing, Dean stood, about to leave to get back to the car, when the phone rang shrilly.

“Rufus! Phone!”

“You’re in the office, asshole!”

“Yeah, but that’s your job!”

“Dean!”

“Rufus!” Rufus flipped him the bird, grumbling as he walked past. The phone stopped ringing, but started as soon as it stopped.

“Dean, you got a chainsaw?”

“A- Jesus, Henrikson, why the _fuck_ do you need a chainsaw?” Dean asked, leaning against the wall with an amused look on his face.

“I’d rather not say,” Henrikson said, averting Dean’s gaze. Dean snorted, pointing his thumb towards the back room.

“We got one in storage, but it needs a tune up and more juice. Have at ‘er, but if you cut off your arm, I’m not gluing it back on.” Henrikson walked by, playfully punching his arm. Dean slapped his back as he left. Suddenly, Rufus was beside him. Dean jumped, grabbing his chest in shock. “Sweet baby Jesus, Rufus, you trying to kill me?” Dean’s grin slid right off his face when he saw Rufus’ expression. “What is it?”

“Phone’s for you,” Rufus said softly. Dean scrunched up his eyebrows.

“Okay? What’s wrong?”

“Dean, answer the phone.” Dean went into the office with Rufus on his heels. He sat down at the desk with one last worried glance at the older man before picking up the phone.

“Hello?”

………..

Castiel was on yard duty nearly every day. He volunteered; he loved walking around with Jay and Timmy at lunch time. That day, on his way out, he had run into Emma, who was waiting for Dean.

“Emma? What are you doing?” he asked the girl.

“Just waiting for dad, but I can’t remember if he said to go to the restaurant without him, or for him to pick me up… I don’t want to leave him waiting.”

“When was he supposed to get you?”

“Um… five minutes ago.”

“Hm. Well, if you have a note, you can leave school grounds, but remember to be careful.” Castiel felt something nagging in his brain when he said that. Why? He shrugged it off, yet he could feel it prickling in the back of his mind.

“Of course, Mr. Novak. I think I’ll wait another minute. The place is just across the street and up the road, so not too far.”

“Sounds like a plan. Danny invited you over this evening, correct?”

“Yup! That’s still okay, isn’t it?”

“Sure is. He somehow managed to find a snake in my back shed. In the middle of winter, for God’s sake! But, now he has it in a spare tank, and we’re getting it a proper one tonight, if you want to come.” Emma chuckled.

“He sure likes snakes. I bet he’s real happy.”

“Well, we’re releasing it in the spring, but I’m sure he has enough to buy his own.”

“He does, he told me this morning.”

“Of course he did. I bet you two will have your very own vet clinic together one day. Well, I need to get to the yard. Have fun at lunch, kiddo!” Castiel called over his shoulder with a wave, leaving the office area and shrugging on his trench coat as he headed outside, a vest over top of the trench coat. He walked out to find Jay and Timmy running towards him, both taking a hold of one of his hands.

“Mr. Novak, mummy says if I’m real good, I can help her watch Carter tonight! Isn’t that exciting?” Jay squealed. Both Ben and Timmy had taken a liking to Jay, and today Castiel had allowed the boy to eat with them both in his classroom. He was happy Timmy was finally making friends.

“It sure is! How’s the new baby doing at home now?”

“He’s great!”

“Mr. Novak?”

“Yes, Timmy?”

“Is that Emma?” the young boy asked, pointing across the street. Emma was standing waiting for a light to change.

“Yes, she’s meeting your father for lunch.”

“But he was supposed to pick her up.” Castiel frowned.

“Was he? She said she wasn’t sure what was going on with that.”

“I heard them this morning. He said he’d pick her up at the office right when lunch started.”

“Well, that’s-”

The sound of squealing tires and the sickening _smack_ of human flesh hitting the grill of a vehicle would be what haunted his nightmares for many years to come.

He snapped his head to the side just in time to throw his body in front of Timmy, stopping the boy from seeing the truck smash into his sister’s side. She didn’t fly, not like they often showed in the movies, she just seemed to be… crushed. Hit by the front end and sent skidding a few feet before stopping, a nauseating crunch intermixing with the tires screaming and horns blaring.

Castiel was sprinting. Not running, _sprinting_. He had left Jay and a screaming Timmy, worried more about whether she was still breathing than what her brother saw, the noises around him were in the back of his head, everything sounded like it was underwater, so dull, so _unimportant_. Castiel hopped over the fence, ignoring the crunch of snow under his feet, breathe fogging around him as he slid on the road, stopping and looking around, eyes searching wildly, nothing making sense.

There was a _snap_ , and Castiel could see, hear, feel.

The man was vomiting. He had gotten out of the truck, and was bent over on the road, upheaving whatever he had eaten that day. There were bloodcurdling screams behind him, shouts and sobs. The man was now muttering “The ice. I- I braked, I swear it, I swear it! The ice, the _fucking ice_!” Castiel ignored him, his eyes now set on the lump just a few short feet from the truck. He was moving again, slipping and falling on the ground, eyes connecting that it was a mixture of blood and ice and that now the knees of his pants were soaked with it, shining crimson against the beige. Standing, Castiel flung himself towards her, eyes raking up and down her tattered body. Her coat hadn’t been done up, and was now discarded, shredded under the truck.

“Emma, Emma can you hear me?” he asked, finally reaching her and flinging himself next to her. Her eyes were open, rolling wildly in their sockets, unfocused to the world. A lump formed in Castiel’s throat and he had to look away from her for a second, just a second. Just a glance away, to not see her ruined form. Her left arm was mangled and sending blood leaking onto the ground. Her stomach, covered in abrasions. Her head was cracked open and her golden hair covered in red. Castiel didn’t even know if her lungs were working. Her leg was bent at an odd angle, the white of the bone glistening with red as it stuck out from her pants. Castiel felt bile rise in his throat, felt his head begin to swim. He pushed it all down, focusing on the bleeding child before him, hands clenching and unclenching.

When he looked back, at long last, his instincts took over. He flew into action and ripped off both his trench coat and his suit jacket, as well as his tie and work shirt, leaving him in his pants and the t shirt he wore underneath his button up. He took the tie and tightened it at the top of her left arm, then took the shirt, ripping away a sleeve and hurriedly wrapping it around her forehead. Emma’s mouth opened and a gurgling sound was released, but nothing else. She finally, _finally_ , locked her eyes on him. They were filled with pain and shock and anguish. They were too wide, too distanced even when focusing, too… too empty, despite the panic, they were _empty_.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. Voices were shouting behind him. He turned and pointed at a random adult. “You!” he shouted. “Call 911, now! You!” He pointed at a teacher. “Get Timmy Deveroux, Ben Winchester and Daniel Wheeler to the office. _Now_! You!” He pointed at yet another teacher. “Come over here and put pressure on her head!” The woman scurried over, quickly taking the sleeve and pressing down on Emma’s head. Castiel took the remainder of the shirt and tried to put pressure on her stomach, while at the same time he wrapped her legs in his suit jacket and spread the trench coat over as much of her as he could. When he looked over his shoulder for the briefest of seconds, he saw Timmy, on the ground, a woman trying to pick him up. Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and turned back to Emma, taking deep breaths to steady himself.

“Oh my God, I swear I didn’t mean it!” the man yelled once more. When Castiel looked back for a brief moment, he saw the man clutching at his hair, sitting against the side of the vehicle. He looked back over the nearly lifeless girl before him, taking a shaking hand and gently stroking a lock of hair out of her face. Her breathing was ragged, coming out in loud gasps. The woman at her head was murmuring soothing words, but Castiel knew that if he tried to open his mouth, only gasping sobs would escape at this point.

“ _What happened!? What happened!?_ ” someone was shrieking, but Castiel ignored them, keeping all of his focus on Emma. People seemed to be coming out of shock. Someone was taking care of Emma’s legs. Someone else adjusted the makeshift tourniquet on her arm. Castiel kept his eyes locked on hers.

He assumed at least three people must have called 911.

He could hear an ambulance in the distance.

Maybe, just maybe, she would be okay.

She would be just fine.

Before he had really processed how badly she was hurt and this was, in fact, real, an ambulance was racing to the scene, skidding to a stop.

EMTs jumped out of the vehicle, the driver running to clear people away.

“No, no, I have to stay,” Castiel told them, keeping his eyes on Emma’s even as the paramedics started assessing the situation.

“Sir, you need to step back.”

“Her father will never forgive me. Please, I need to go, please let me come, please,” Castiel babbled, the words running out of his mouth and not seeming to be able to stop, the paramedic remaining calm while Castiel could feel himself beginning to hyperventilate. He felt it coming on, he felt it flashing back.

_Blood, on the walls, bright and shining, fresh from his arms, his father pushing him, pushing him, throwing him against the wall, making sure it was his back, mother would never see. Gabe, screaming, always trying to stop. ‘I’ll cut you and kill her if you ever fucking speak a word,’ Gord would always say, pull out his knife, slash towards Gabriel. Anna, in the corner with her ears covered, trying not to seehearfeelbe trying not to notice, nothing was happening._

No. He wasn’t there. It wasn’t his blood, it was Emma’s, and he couldn’t, he _couldn’t_ leave her alone and scared in an ambulance with strangers. He wouldn’t.

Castiel didn’t know his hand was on his throat, ripping and clawing for air, until the EMT pulled it away, told him to breathe, had to make sure he was okay, always okay, always good. The pounding in his ears matched his chest, and he was sure that his vomit would soon join the driver’s on the ground.

But it didn’t.

And the paramedic was allowing him to sit in the back of the ambulance while they worked, pulling out a second breathing mask and placing it on Castiel’s mouth. He was sitting on the side, two paramedics wrapping and bandaging Emma, Castiel sitting with his hand holding her right, limp one. He took long, deep breaths, trying to keep his eyes on her, but hers were now closed, and he didn’t even know if she was breathing or not anymore.

Castiel must have passed out at some point on the ride, because the next thing he knew, Emma was being unloaded, and he was ripping off the breathing mask, grabbing the side of her gurney and following her down the hall, doctors and nurses screaming things he didn’t understand while he moved with them, trying to tell her things to comfort her, but not entirely sure as to what he was really saying. Soon, though, much too soon, a nurse was holding her arms in front of him and saying he couldn’t go in, couldn’t go in.

“No, it’s okay, I know her, it’s okay.”

“Sir, it’s protocol.”

“Protocol?”

“Yes, sir, you can wait in the waiting room.”

“Phone, I need a phone,” Castiel insisted, looking around the hallway, trying to spot one somewhere, anywhere.

“In waiting room, sir, let me take you there.” She took Castiel’s shaking arm, leading him away from the double doors that lead to the surgical areas and moving down the hallways to enter the room filled with chairs.

“Where are the phones?” Castiel asked immediately. The nurse gestured and Castiel thanked her, walking away. He dropped the phone the second he picked it up, gasping aloud at the blood that was on his hands, caking under his nails, splattered across his shirt and pants. Slowly, Castiel sank to his knees, still holding his hands before him. Another nurse, an older man, rushed to his side, hung the phone up and helped Castiel to his feet.

“Here, we can get you cleaned up,” the nurse said, leading him to the bathroom, Castiel silent.

Ten minutes later, he emerged with a faint red tint to his skin and spare nurse’s clothes from the back room, his other clothes thrown in the trash, Castiel unable to look at them. He remembered that his suit and trench coat were most likely still in the road, blood soaked.

The nurse took Castiel back over to the phones, and left him, saying he would be back in a moment. Castiel dialed the numbers with trembling fingers.

“Hello?” came Gabriel’s voice from the other side. Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but only a squeak came out. “ _Hello_?”

“Jim, it’s- it’s Jim,” Castiel finally managed.

“Cassie? Are you okay?”

“Accident. I need you… to get the kids,” Castiel mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut to try and block out the tears.

“Are you okay? What hospital? What happened?”

“Not me, Gabe. Emma. Winchester.”

“Fuck,” Gabe breathed. “Yeah, I’ll get the kids. It’ll be okay, Cassie, I promise.”

“I hope so.” And with that, Castiel hung up. He dialed the number at the garage next, which Dean had given him in case his shitty car ever broke down.

“Hello? Is it Emma? Is she okay?” a stranger's voice answered.

“Is Dean there?”

“Who is this?”

“Castiel.”

“Dean’s on his way.”

“Thank you.”

“Is Emma…?”

“In surgery.”

“But?”

“We… they won’t say,” Castiel admitted, voice cracking as he ran a hand through his hair.

“She’s a tough kid, she’ll- she has to pull through.”

“I know.”

The other man hung up.

Within ten minutes, there was shouting and yelling and doors opening and closing loudly. Everyone turned to look, Castiel rising from his seat.

Dean’s eyes were red when he was being forcefully dragged through the door by two male nurses. When he saw Castiel, he immediately stopped fighting, and they let him go. He stood there, staring at the blue eyed man, unable to look away. Castiel took the first, hesitant step forwards, and soon they were running to each other, Dean grabbing Castiel and pulling him close.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,” he repeated over and over, squeezing Castiel and releasing gasping breaths. “Thank you for saving her. Thank you.” Castiel just let him hold him, and after a few minutes, Dean moved away, wiping his eyes, but always keeping his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Thank you, Cas. Thank you.” Castiel couldn’t seem to find his voice, just averted his eyes. Dean looked at him with concern, and led him to sit down, Castiel rubbing his stained hands together. Dean’s face went pale when he saw the tint to Castiel’s flesh.

“I’m so sorry, Dean,” Castiel finally breathed.

“Why?” Dean questioned, voice thick with tears.

“I- I should’ve stopped her. Should’ve said you- you would pick her up, should’ve known!” he yelled, pulling at his hair as he bent down, head in his lap. Dean was quiet for a long, long time. Castiel finally sat up, continuing to rub his hands together. The arms of the two men were still touching, grounding each other. Dean was breathing calmly, evenly, trying to control his emotions. Castiel was fighting back the panic attack that threatened his mind, an internal struggle carrying on in the silence. He closed his eyes and bent over on the chair again, unsure of what his hands were doing.

“Hey, hey,” Dean murmured softly, taking Castiel’s hands away from his hair. The man just buried his arms around his head. Dean laid a hand on Castiel’s back. “Cas, I need you, okay? I- I need you with me right now, because I’m- I’m not good, ‘m freaking out. I need you to breathe right now, and _stay with me_ ,” Dean insisted. Castiel took a shaking breath, sitting up slowly and carefully, hands ripping furiously at his wet eyes.

“I’m sorry, Dean, so sorry, I’m being selfish and-”

“ _No_ ,” Dean snapped. “No. You saved my daughter. I am eternally grateful to you, Cas. But right now I need you. Can you- can you please just stay with me?” Castiel nodded numbly.

“Dean, I should’ve known.” Dean shook his head. He took a breath, but it didn’t even sound like one, just a choking, rasping sound.

“What- how-”

“A… a truck. Timmy turned, saw, fuck, Timmy, oh God-”

“Cas- Cas, focus, how- is she-?”

“Alive?” it was barely audible. Dean nodded once, slowly, numbly, swallowing loudly, Adam’s apple bobbing. “She was- is. She is. She’s strong, she’s good, Dean, she’s-”

“Cas, Cas, stop!” Dean shouted, taking Castiel’s hands, which were rubbing constantly, pulling at his fingers, running around his wrists. Dean stopped the motion, looking him in the eyes. “Please. I need you to stop.” Castiel stared at him, and they locked eyes for a long time, before Dean finally looked away, wiping a hand across his own. Castiel felt it in his back first. That odd, painful, yet numb feeling that would spread up the back of his neck and circle his chest until he was clawing at his windpipe.

“ _Cas_!” Dean shouted, and, once more, Castiel felt Dean take his hands. Eyes wide, he stared at them. He- he hadn’t- how-

“I didn’t mean to-” Castiel started, but faltered. Dean moved forwards and wrapped his arms around the man, pulling him close. Castiel put his arms around Dean, squeezing him with all he had, trying to _breathe_.

After God knows how long, Castiel had stopped shaking, and was sitting back, exhaustion circling his brain, everything in slow motion once more before it snapped back to reality, crystal clear and painful, a knife in his gut- Emma was hurt. Emma was probably dying.

“Dean, I’m sorry, that hasn’t happened in so long-”

“Never apologize for that, Cas. Never. You can’t control it. It’s okay.” Castiel released a breath that had been trapped in his lungs. He took another mouthful of air.

“Okay,” he whispered, not looking at Dean. He felt like a child. “Ben, Timmy, who has them?” Castiel asked softly.

“Bobby. I- I made sure they didn’t come. They can’t see this. They can’t. Bobby wanted to come too, I told him to stay, him and Jody and Adam, I would be fine. I don’t know how I convinced him.” Dean rubbed his face with his hands and shook his head. “Fuck, just- just _fuck_!” he shouted, running his hands through his hair continuously, snapping his head towards the door whenever it made a sound. “Lisa. Fucking hell, Lisa!” Dean ripped out of his chair and crossed the room briskly yet clumsily, reaching the phones with Castiel following him. He tried to put a quarter in, dropped it, swore loudly, and then successfully entered it. Swallowing hard, Castiel watched the emotions run across Dean’s face.

“Hello?” he finally said, stiffening when the voice obviously wasn’t Lisa’s. “Listen here, asshole, I don’t care if she’s talking to the King of Canada- I don’t give half a shit if it’s a Prime Minister! Tell Lisa this is a huge emergency, _get her on the phone NOW_!” Castiel flinched at the voice he used. He had never heard that voice, it was dark and menacing and Castiel didn’t even associate it with _Dean_. “Lisa, Lisa listen to me. Lisa _shut up_.” Dean was quiet for a moment, hand over his eyes, just breathing. “Lisa, there was an accident. No, please, baby, this is serious. It’s- Lisa, it’s Emma, she’s hurt. She’s hurt real bad.” There was a pause. “A truck hit her. Lise? Lisa, please, just- yes, yes she’s in surgery. Okay. Okay. Call when you land, okay?” Dean hung up the phone, shoulders slumped, head resting against the wall behind the phone.

“Dean?” Castiel questioned, tentatively placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“She isn’t taking it well,” he whispered hoarsely. Castiel gently led the man back to their seats. “Cas, this is all my fault.”

“What? No, Dean, it isn’t.”

“It really is,” he said, with a dark chuckle. Castiel wasn’t even sure Dean made that noise consciously. It sounded wrong, twisted somehow. “Cas, I didn’t pick her up. I left her at the school, and she… Fuck, I don’t really even know what the fuck happened. Fuck. _Fuck_.”

“She was waiting for you,” Castiel told him quietly. Dean turned his head slowly, his eyes looking haunted. “I saw her in the hall, and… she didn’t know what to do, so she left. The school, that is, and…” Castiel faltered, unable to finish. Dean’s eyes were wide.

“Oh God. Oh, God, no, please. No. I did this, Cas, I never picked her up, I never… I never even got to say goodbye-”

“Stop it!” Castiel snapped. “She’ll be fine, Dean.”

“Cut the bullshit, Cas.” There was no malice in his tone. Just exhaustion. A tiredness Castiel himself felt. “We don’t know anything, so just… cut the bullshit.” Castiel nodded absently. A moment of quiet settled between them, anxious and tense as they waited for something, anything. The mood flipped back and forth so quickly... Castiel wasn't sure what emotion either of them was feeling at any moment, but knew that the tension would never leave, no matter what.

“I think she’ll be okay. She was looking at me. She was awake. I think she’ll be okay.”

“She was awake?” Dean asked, snapping his head to face Castiel.

“Yes,” he whispered.

“Did she say anything?” Castiel swallowed hard.

“N-no. I- Dean, I don’t think she could. Her head was badly… I’m not sure she…” Dean looked away. “I’m sorry.”

“No. You did everything you could. Thank you, Cas.” Dean moved closer to Castiel, their shoulders now touching. Castiel moved his head back against the wall, everything blurring in front of him. Sleep pulled at his brain from every direction. Fuck, it had been a long day, and the panic attack hadn’t helped any. Just a minute, just a _second_ to close his eyes…

“Cas?”

“Yeah?” he croaked out.

“Wha- what did she look like?” Castiel slowly sat up once more, closing his eyes. All he could see behind his lids was Emma’s broken body. He flashed his eyes open and repressed a shudder.

“Dean, you shouldn’t-”

“Please.” Castiel took a deep breath.

“She most likely fractured her skull,” he started, voice weak. “Internal bleeding, most likely. Broken ribs, a possible flail chest-”

“Flail chest?” Dean asked desperately.

“Collapsed lung. Her arm- Dean, I don’t… I don’t know if they can save it.” Dean pursed his lips.

“I want my daughter, not her arm.”

“I wish I could say more. I… I don’t remember much, about the… about the crash.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you know so much medical stuff?” Castiel blew out a long breath.

“When I was really little, you know how my father was. It got… bad. When I was a teenager, I got the shit beaten out of me. A lot. Spent some time in the hospital. I learned a lot there, for a long time, it looked like I would be a doctor, but… the, uh, the sight of blood, it sends me into attacks. I can control it, you know, a paper cut, a slice on the arm- but lots is…” He stopped. “I’m sorry. You don’t need this right now.” Dean shook his head.

“No, no, it’s a distraction. I’m sorry it’s shitty for you, but…” Castiel nodded.

“Why-” he held back a yawn. “Why don’t I just talk for a while?” Dean nodded his head slowly.

“I studied abroad for a year, in France. I went to teacher’s college, and I taught there for another year before I came home. I was a substitute for the whole district, so that meant high school as well as public. There was one school, in some city or another, God, it’s been years. I was there teaching when one of the students, who was pregnant, she started screaming. Her seatmate was speaking too fast for to understand, but I eventually understood that her water had broken. The girl was freaking out- Ava! Her name was Ava. I got her out of the class, and we went to the elevator. They had one for this section, which had three floors, and they had an elevator for disabled students, it was the only one in the district, they were very proud. We got in, this guy, her seatmate, he was there too, and I hit the button to close the doors to go down, another student was paging the office.

“The elevator stopped. We were trapped there for four hours. Apparently, this girl hadn’t been feeling well all day, but hadn’t said anything, and let me tell you, a screaming, hysterical girl and a teenage boy passed out in the corner were not optimal conditions to deliver a child, but, lo and behold, there he was. I still don’t even know what happened, if I’m being honest. She was on the floor, I was screaming push, and suddenly there was a second wailing, and I was covered in blood and God knows what else holding this baby. I wrapped him in my shirt and gave him to the girl, who was still _freaking out_. I had to sit back and breathe myself, because, let me tell you, it was more blood than I was prepared for.

“Almost right after the baby was born, this guy, he wakes up, eyes wide, staring from the mess on the floor to the baby in her arms that still had the umbilical cord, and he starts screaming in French, and I almost had to punch him out, because Ava, she was starting to get hysterical and the baby was crying… God that was a nightmare.”

Dean’s hands were tight on his armrest. “What happened?” he asked, teeth clenched. He was doing fairly well at keeping himself together. Castiel had no clue how he was doing it.

“After another hour, the elevator was fixed, and we were brought down. There were screams. I mean, there was this guy, rocking back and forth in the corner, a placenta on the floor, Ava holding the baby, me, covered in… whatever I was covered in, with no shirt on. I stood, and helped this guy to his feet. He was still shaking. Ava was helped to stand and immediately put on a gurney, but she made them stop. She looked at me, and she asked ‘What is your name?’ My first instinct was Mr. Novak, but that wouldn’t fly. So I told her Castiel. And then, in terrible English, she said ‘Castiel, meet Castiel.’ So now there are two people in this world with my name.”

“She named him Castiel?”

“Apparently. I left for America three months later. I wonder how little Castiel is doing now.”

“Probably a huge nerd,” Dean joked. It was halfhearted and Castiel knew Dean was in no joking mood.

“Most likely,” he replied softly.

At that moment, the doors swung open, and all of Dean’s attention was on a doctor who was marching towards them. He stood, nearly collapsing, Castiel grabbing his arm and hoisting him up.

“Mr. Winchester?” she asked.

“Yes, yes, please, doctor, Emma, is she- is she-?”

“Mr. Winchester-”

“Oh God. Oh God, is she gone? She’s gone. Oh my God, no, please, doc, no, _no_!” Dean screamed, covering his face with his hands, cheeks wet and breathing rapid.

“Mr. Winchester! Emma is still in surgery. It’ll be another hour until it’s finished, but that’s an estimate. It's the only estimate we have, but with so many things that could go wrong, it will likely take longer.”

“That soon?” Dean asked quietly. The doctor looked away before turning back to Dean.

“Yes, it could be that soon. Mr. Winchester, your daughter, she has suffered extensive. Her lung collapsed, and she broke nine ribs, three of which shattered and have to be partially removed. She has internal bleeding, which we are trying to get under control, as well as serious damage done to the flesh of her torso. Her arm is beyond repair.”

“Beyond repair? What the fuck does that even mean?” Dean growled. The doctor looked sympathetic, and Castiel’s head was swimming.

“We had to remove her left arm from the shoulder down.” Dean simply nodded, and Castiel was shocked that he had taken the news so well. Beyond shocked.

“I want her, not her arm. Is she okay?” Dean asked, voice thick. Castiel moved his arm away carefully, making sure with a watchful eye that Dean could stand on his own.

“Her right leg was shattered. There was severe damage inflicted upon the broca region of her brain, and she may never speak again. We are unsure as to what kind of spinal damage has been done thus far, and will need to wait until she awakens to see the range of motion she has in her body.” Dean made a noise that sounded as if he was being strangled. He let out a breath that was barely kept from becoming a sob, reaching a hand out blindly. Castiel took it, and moved next to Dean, trying to keep him standing. Dean wouldn’t stop nodding his head. "This is the first of many, many surgeries. At this point, the focus is on the internal bleeding and keeping her alive. We won't be able to go further into her problems until she is stable and can handle a second surgery."

“Okay. Okay, okay, okay,” he mumbled, still moving his head up and down, sucking a breath in through his teeth. “Okay. Sh-she-she you said she’s… Is she going to- to be okay?” The doctor cleared her throat.

“Your daughter’s wounds are great in number and incredibly severe, Mr. Winchester. While I would like to give you assurance to her recovery, we can’t be certain about anything at this point. It will be very touch and go for a while, and until the point when I can say with definite positivity that Emma will be okay, I don’t want to get your hopes up. At this point, packing her and waiting to see if she responds may be our only choice.”

“Thank you,” Dean breathed, sitting down heavily in his chair, Castiel helping him to not fall. Dean’s eyes were staring straight ahead, unfocused, lost in some kind of world.

“Thank you, doctor,” Castiel told her.

“And you are?” the doctor questioned tiredly.

“Castiel Novak. I’m a… a family friend, and I witnessed the accident.” The doctor nodded to herself.

“I need to head back. I’ll update when I have any news for you, Mr. Winchester.”

“Thank you. Again," Castiel replied.

And she was gone through the swinging doors. Castiel sat down next to Dean on shaking legs.

“I need to call Bobby,” was all Dean said. He stood before Castiel could protest, and was across the room. Castiel stayed in his seat. When Dean returned, he was hesitant to sit down. At last, he did, and he took Castiel’s hand, his grip tight. “Cas, I’m scared,” he told him in a hushed tone. Castiel placed his free hand over Dean’s.

“I know. God, I know. But it’s okay, Dean. Everything will be okay.” Dean shook his head.

“But it won’t.”

“Why not?”

The look that Dean gave Castiel broke his heart. He had never seen that much soul crushing sorrow and panic in a man’s eyes before.

“Because it never is.”

………..

It had been four hours. The doctor told them there were complications, which were expected. Dean hadn't taken the waiting well, whispering under his breath that she said an hour, and that it had been an hour and a half, and so on so forth until the doctor came to tell them what had happened. A police officer had come to take Castiel’s statement. Bobby had arrived at the hospital, and when he did, Castiel managed to doze off, only to awaken when Dean grabbed at his arm, a sign that the doctor had returned. Dean, Bobby and Castiel stood.

They were taken to the fourth floor. To the ICU. Where Emma lay in a bed, beaten and broken, tubes sticking out of everywhere. Only two at a time, the doctor had said. She was in a medically induced coma, the doctor had said. Castiel barely heard her. Dean and Bobby went in, as expected, while Castiel decided to find the phones, to try to find a way to call Gabriel as well as Adam and Jody. Lisa too, if she wasn’t on the plane.

But before he did that, he stared at Emma. He couldn’t stop. She was so… broken. Her head was wrapped in gauze, but that didn’t stop patches of blood from showing faintly. Her hair was gone. That beautiful hair, just shaved right off. Below that, her face was a crumpled mess. There was a feeding and breathing tube in her, one inserted in her nose and the other down her throat. Thinking about it made Castiel feel sick. Below that, she wore only a pair of underpants. Her left shoulder was just that. A shoulder. No arm attached. It was wrapped heavily in a white fabric with some kind of other wrap around it that circled her chest, holding her broken ribs tight. Her stomach was bandaged, her leg slung up in a cast. Her arm had blood and IV fluids dripping in through needles attached to bags. This wasn’t the Emma he had grown to love. This wasn’t the Emma he had grown to know as a friend over the past months.

This was a shell, a vessel.

This wasn’t Dean’s Emma.

Castiel had to take a deep breath, had to wipe away a tear that he wasn’t aware he had let escape. Had to do something other than look at this child and _hope_. He turned on his heel, leaving Dean and Bobby with the ghost that was Emma. He continued to wipe his eyes as he finally made it to the section of the ICU that had the payphones. Only two, as opposed to the five in the waiting room below. Castiel picked one up and dropped in the change that he still had, miraculously, in his pockets from his work pants that he had transferred to the borrowed clothing he wore. Castiel took a deep breath, and dialed the number.

“Hello? Cassie? Is that you?” came the hurried response.

“It’s me, Gabe,” Castiel told him. It was in that moment that the ripping feeling came. There was… there was no other way to describe it. Just ripping. Something in his chest had had irreparable damage done to it, something had come out of his chest. A tremor crept up his body, settling a sick and twisted feeling in his lower back and the back of his throat. His head swum, and he could feel a slippery wetness in his mouth. “Gabe, it’s all my fault.” His voice was weak and cracked, and sounded nothing like the brother Gabriel knew.

“No, no, it isn’t Cas, please, no, it’s not,” Gabriel insisted. “You got her to the hospital, you did all you could.”

“Danny. Is Danny okay?” Castiel asked, suddenly remembering his nephew. There was silence on the other end. “Gabriel?”

“I called mom. He- he won’t leave his room. I went in, and I sat with him, but he just… Cassie, he isn’t okay right now. He isn’t going to be until Emma is.”

“I’m such a fuck up. I didn’t even think about Danny, didn’t want to, because then- then it would be real, and God, this just can’t be real Gabe, it just can’t.”

“Cassie-”

“It can’t be.”

“It _is_ , Cassie, and you need to be here for Danny, but right now Dean needs you. Charlie and Gilda are here, and soon mom will be too. He’s okay. Right now, you need to focus on yourself, and on Dean. Just for now. Come home when you can. It’s okay, Cassie. Really.”

“Can- can I talk to him?” Castiel asked, his voice shaking. There was silence on the other end and soon heavy footsteps were sounding in the background. There was a knocking sound.

“ _Danny? It’s Cas on the phone. He’s asking for you. I’m gonna leave the phone here, okay?_ ”

More silence.

“Danny?” Castiel asked, desperately trying to control his voice, but it cracked nonetheless. “Danny, it’s me. She’s- Danny, she’s alive. Just know she’s alive. You don’t need to talk. I understand. I love you, Danny, I love you so much, and I- I- I just need to say it. So much, Danny, I love you so much. And so does Emma. And Gabe and Dean and everyone, we all love you. Emma will tell you herself. I just-” Castiel stopped, taking a shuttering breath. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, pull yourself together_ right now _._

“Uncle Cas,” the thick and croaky voice on the other end finally responded. “I love you too.” The phone was hung up. Castiel hung up the payphone. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he was on the floor, with his head in his hands, tears leaking all around his palms.

He stood. He made himself stand. With trembling fingers, Castiel inserted more coins and dialed Lisa’s cell number, which Bobby had given to him by hurriedly shoving a crumpled piece of paper into Castiel’s hand. As he expected, the number went straight to voicemail. Thank Christ. She was on the plane. She would be here soon enough. Thank Christ.

Thank Christ.

Castiel next dialed the number to Dean’s house.

“Hello? Hello? Who is this?” he heard, recognizing Adam’s voice.

“It’s Jim.”

“Jim?”

“Castiel?” he tried.

“Dean’s friend?”

“Yes.”

“Emma. Oh- no. If you’re calling she- she must be- no, no!”

“Adam! She’s- out of surgery.”

“Is she-?”

“I- I won’t sugar coat it. It’s bad. Very bad. But- but she’s alive, she’s strong, she’s hanging on.”

“How bad?” Adam breathed.

“Her arm, it’s-” Castiel found in that moment he just couldn’t say it.

“What? What is it?”

“Her arm is gone,” he whispered. There was a large intake of breath on the other end. “She may never speak again. She has severe rib damage. Her leg is in a cast.”

“Fuck, stop, just stop, please, God, stop,” Adam begged.

“I-”

“Don’t you apologize.”

“I never finished.”

“ _Don’t you apologize._ She will _make it through this_.”

“Adam-”

“Can you put Dean on the phone? Please?”

“He’s with Emma, he won’t leave.”

“Bobby?”

“I’ll ask, when I’m back.”

“Thank you.”

“I- Timmy was there. How- can- is he, is he…”

“He won’t speak. He hasn’t moved… Jody has him wrapped up in a blanket. She won’t let him go. He’s… he’s hysterical, we might have to- to bring him to the hospital. He isn’t well at all.”

_Please insert fifty cents to continue the call._

“No, it’s fine, send Bobby n-” The phone cut off Adam’s last words. Castiel hung the phone up once more. He rested his head gently against the payphone. Jody was there, no big surprise. So… that meant there was really no one else to call. The school would be closed at this point. He could call in the morning and give them an update.

Castiel began to walk back down the hall to where Emma’s room was. He stopped about halfway there, sitting against a wall. He just couldn’t. Not then, he couldn’t go back. He needed a minute, a second, anytime he could afford to collect himself. Gather his emotions and shove them away to help Dean in any way that he could, just for now.

“Are you okay?” a high pitched voice asked. Castiel lifted his head from his knees- when had it gotten there? Before him, a young girl was standing holding an IV pole with a bandanna around her head.

“I’m just fine, sweetie,” he mumbled back, trying to give her a smile, but knowing it didn’t work. At all. The girl frowned, sitting down beside him. Castiel looked at her incredulously.

“You look sad.”

“I’m not very sad.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Why am I here?”

“Yeah.”

“There was an accident, so I’m here. Why are you here?”

“I’m sick.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Me too.”

There was quiet between them, just the girl’s slightly raspy breaths and Castiel’s own barely controlled sobs.

“What’s their name?” she asked.

“Who?”

“The person in the accident.”

“Emma.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

“What’s your name?”

“Anika.”

“I like that.”

“What’s your name?”

“Ji- Castiel.”

“Like the angel. But he was just Cassiel.”

“Do you like the angels?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“They took mommy away. Everyone says she’s happier now, but I know that’s bullshit.”

“That’s quite the strong language for a girl your age.” She shrugged.

“I figure if I’m dying, I might as well do what I want for once.” Castiel opened his mouth to tell her, hey, maybe you’ll be fine! But with the look she gave him, he immediately stopped before the words exited his mouth. She had heard that too many times. She was done with hearing that. And Castiel didn’t blame her.

“What happened to your mom?”

“She killed herself after my dad died.” Castiel couldn’t make his mouth work. “I’m cheery, right?”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Is Emma going to be okay?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is she your daughter?”

“No. A friend’s little girl.”

“A friend?”

“Dean. His name is Dean.”

“He has a good taste in names.”

“I think so myself.”

“If Emma isn’t doing well, why are you here, on the floor?”

“I needed a moment to… compose myself.” She chuckled, shaking her head.

“Listen, Castiel; your friend, he must be worried out of his mind about his little girl, he doesn’t need to worry about you too. You should go and see them. You should let him help you.”

“He needs more help than I do right now.”

“You both need each other’s help. You can’t take the full weight, and neither can he.” That stopped Castiel in his tracks.

“Thank you, Anika.”

“It’s okay. A lot of people stop here. They think they can’t make it back, but they can. You can.”

“Is there anyone I can take you to?”

“No. I just need to go back to my room.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. And Castiel?”

“Yes?”

“If she gets better, bring her up to the pedes floor. I want to meet her.” Castiel gave the little girl a watery smile.

“I’ll be sure to do just that.” Castiel stood, reaching down and carefully pulling Anika to her feet. He turned away from her with a final, small wave, making his way back to Emma’s room. He stopped outside her door. How long had he been at the phones? He didn’t really want to know. Castiel had been focused on the floor, and when he looked up, Bobby was coming towards him, wiping his eyes and looking as tired as Castiel felt.

“I was thinkin’ ‘a goin’ and gettin’ some grub.” Castiel rubbed his face and nodded.

“Okay. Adam wants you to call.” Bobby grunted.

“Alright, just gotta find that cafeteria. Don’t know when I’ll be back. You good with him?”

“We’ll be fine.” Bobby nodded, clapped Castiel on the shoulder, and walked away. Castiel moved towards the room, slipping in quietly. Dean’s head never moved, his eyes never leaving Emma’s body. When Castiel sat down beside him, Dean grabbed his hand in nothing short of a death grip. Castiel didn’t try to fight it. Dean swallowed loudly. He tentatively reached his other hand forwards, gently moving a stray hair that didn’t belong to Emma from his daughter’s face. He opened his mouth, then closed it.

“H-hey Jude,” he sang softly. Castiel stiffened at his voice. It sounded as if he was drowning. “D-don’t ma-ake it bad. Just- ju… take a sad song… and…” Dean stopped, his chest moving rapidly as he gasped for breath. Castiel wrapped his free arm around Dean, pulling him in close. He didn’t say anything. He knew there was nothing to be said. Dean was shaking at this point, and Castiel didn’t know how to stop it, didn’t know what to do. “And ma- make it bett-er-er. And re-rememb-ber to let her… I can’t say goodbye,” he gasped out, finally facing Castiel. “I can’t say goodbye.”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Castiel whispered back.

“But I do. I- I- I know I do.” He shook his head, seemingly unconsciously. His hands were both gripping Castiel’s now, and he couldn’t tear his eyes off of his daughter once more. “And rem… remember t-to let her into- your heart-” And he stopped. He took her good hand in his now. He stroked her fingers gently, promising under his breath that _it was okay. You’ll be okay. I’ve got you_.

 _I’ve got you_.

Castiel moved his hand to touch Dean’s arm, making sure that he was alive, making sure that Castiel himself didn’t fall into some deep and horrible pit in this room.

“The- then you can st-start to make it… make it be- _better_.”

“Dean, you don’t need to.”

“It’s her favourite. Ju- just like her grandma.” That silenced Castiel. “She promised me, Cas. She- she- she promised she would sing it, Cas! She promised! To her kids! She _will_ , Cas! She _promised_!”

“Dean, Dean, hey, it’s okay, you’re okay. Please, Dean, breathe. Breathe!” Castiel took Dean’s face in his hands, looking into the other man’s eyes.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean croaked. Castiel nodded. “Bobby? He left?”

“For food. He’s calling; fuck I didn’t call Sam! Fuck, fuck!”

“It’s okay,” Dean mumbled, shakily wiping tears and most likely snot from his face. “Bobby will. He always knows.”

“You weren’t- I mean, that was-”

“I was… lost. I still am.”

“She might be okay.”

“Cas.”

“She might be.”

“Cas, I’m not a praying man, you know that.” Castiel swallowed. “I just prayed for the fifth time in my life. Do you know what the others were?” Castiel shook his head. “That mom wasn’t dead. That dad would stop drinking. That Emma would be born okay. That Ben would be born okay. That she’ll pull through this.”

“Dean-”

“She’s tough, and she- she can pull through, but Cas. I need to be ready.”

“I… think I understand.” With trembling lips, Dean moved to his daughters face, pressing a gentle kiss on her cheek. The words were whispered so quietly that Castiel could barely hear them.

_And any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain… don’t carry this world upon your shoulders. For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool… Don’t- don’t you go making this world any colder, okay?_

Dean sat back in his chair, taking his hands and raking them down his face and through his hair. He let out a noise between a moan and a whimper, and Castiel didn’t know what to do.

The silence was unbearable.

Apparently Dean thought so too.

“You know, when- when she was just born, she was so small, Cas. So pink and weird looking.”

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Castiel joked feebly.

“She was _mine_. I could hold her, love her, no one was- no one was taking her. They couldn’t. Because she was _mine_. Because I loved her. Lisa was so proud. Emma, she had whispered. And then I said Mary. And she smiled. And I smiled. Emma, she shook her little fist. Man, she had attitude. She was perfect. She is perfect. She always will be.”

“Dean-”

“She’s my little girl. I need her. I need her to- to grow up. And have babies. And get married, just like she always wanted. Girl, boy, I don’t give a shit. Babies or no, _I don’t care, just wake up, please, God, wake up_.” Castiel looked down at the floor. “Cas, I know… I know it’s stupid, bu- but…”

“It’s okay, Dean. Nothing is stupid.” Dean’s breath hitched.

“I- I. If sh- she goes… Yo- you should say…. Goodbye. Just in case.”

“Dean…”

“Please.”

“Goo-”

“No, Cas, she would h-hate that. A song. It should… be a song.” Castiel looked over at Dean, and saw the doubt in his eyes, feeling that Dean felt he was crazy, regretting this decision, regretting what he had asked of Castiel, something so intimate to himself and to his child. Castiel let the air in and out of his lungs slowly.

“Once there was a way…” he began softly. Dean let go of Emma’s hand. He turned slowly, looking at Castiel, his eyes filled with pain and regret. “T- to get back homeward. On-once there wa-s a way… to get back _home_.” Castiel had to stop, take shuddering breath after breath, shaking his head again and again. He took Emma’s hand this time, sweeping gently over her knuckles. “S-sl-eep my pretty darling, d-do not cry… And I will sing… a lullaby…” Castiel didn’t realize he was crying until the tears dropped onto his hand as he leaned over Emma.

“Thank you,” Dean breathed next to Castiel. Castiel just nodded numbly. They sat there for a few more moments of silence. Nice, calm, comforting silence, with Dean murmuring words too low for Castiel to hear.

It happened so slowly, but in actuality, it was very quick, much too quick.

Doctors were everywhere. There was a loud, continuous **_BEEEEEEEEEEEEP_**

It wouldn’t stop.

Wouldn’t end.

Would never-

Someone was screaming. Castiel. Castiel was screaming, _DEANDEANDEANDEANDEAN._

Dean was fighting, thrashing, _EMMADADDY’SHEREBABYPLEASEJUSTHANGONEMMAINEEDYOU_

_Emma don’t go._

There were nurses, pushing, shoving, trying to get the two hysterical men out of the room, so the doctors could do their jobs. Castiel wasn’t leaving without Dean, and Dean wasn’t leaving without Emma. Castiel saw it, then, the defibrillator. One doctor was doing compressions. He moved, they cut open the bandages, ignored the stitches, brought the device forwards.

Emma arched off the bed.

**_BEEEEEEEEEEEP_ **

**_BEEEEEEEEEEP_ **

Dean, Dean had a needle, in his arm. Someone had put a needle in his arm. He still fought, he pushed, he yelled, he snarled. Castiel was pressed up against a wall, told to look away, again and he again he was told, said he needed to _justbreatheoritwillgetworsepleaseBREATHE_.

_Emma… I’m here…_

Dean?

Where was the beep?

Castiel’s brain was scrambled, everything was fuzzy, too bright, too quiet but too loud but too _harsh_ and nothing was real but Dean was real and Dean was in pain and _DEAN WHERE ARE YOU?_

Dean was slumped against the wall. His hand was stretched towards Emma, his chest heaving, his eyes wild. The nurse beside him was holding his arm, trying to keep him still. Castiel burst away, stumbled towards Dean, only a few feet away.

_Dean I’m here, I won’t leave you, not now, not when you need me. DEAN._

And now it was Castiel beside him, Dean sobbing into his shoulder. They were harsh and sick and wet and there was so way that it could be Dean because this couldn’t be _real_.

Where was the beep?

Where was the beep?

Dean was shivering, shaking, words not coherent, he was sedated, Castiel knew.

What was that sound?

It was him. His breaths, hysteric and loud, ripping out of his chest at a mile a minute.

Why were they so quiet? Everything was so _quiet_ , so dulled.

Where was the beep?

Castiel raised his head from Dean, looking at the bed, where a doctor stepped back and looked at the clock on the wall. Why did he look like that? Why did he look sad? Why did the doctor look like he had failed? Doctors don’t fail. Doctors _save people._

“Time of death is 8:17 pm.”

_No._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to normal-ish sized chapters. The last few have been 20-30 pages each and have taken a fuckload out of me to write. This one is only eight pages, and I HOPE to update at least once a week, but school is coming up and I have a shit ton of other fics to write up, so don't have high hopes.
> 
> Thank you for all of your support. I love you guys so much, and I'm so glad to have such wonderful readers!
> 
> Just a heads up- the next probably ten or more chapters will make you all hate me more than you knew you could, so get ready for feels and pain and lots of it.

Danny sat up with a start, chest heaving, body shaking. He felt as if he had been hit by a tru- that thought stopped him dead and he froze, feeling tears well in his eyes. He clenched his teeth, but it wasn’t helping, the sobs just kept coming. Danny balled his hands into fists, moved them to the back of his neck, rocking back and forth, trying to keep himself quiet. No one needed to hear this. No one needed to come and look in on him. He wasn’t worth their time. Slowly, Danny unwound himself, sat up and looked around his room with bleary eyes. It was daylight. Somehow it had become morning or afternoon or who knows what at this point.

On his bedside table, there was a piece of paper. It took him two tries to grab the damned thing, and he nearly shouted in triumph when he did.

_Ida and I are out shopping. Be back soon! Love you!_

_-Uncle Cas_

_PS. Don’t forget Emma’s coming over today._

Danny clutched the note to his chest, still shaking. What was this, some kind of sick joke? Was the note from the day before? What was going on? Slowly, Danny got out of bed. He tiptoed across his room, nearly jumping out of his skin when Scabbers made a chittering noise. Danny wiped at his eyes again, grabbing a tissue from his desk before leaving, wiping his nose hurriedly. Taking a long, deep breath, Danny opened the door and stepped onto the cold hallway floor.

“Uncle Cas? Uncle Gabe? Charlie?” he called out in a croaky voice. No response. He clapped his hands and weakly called for Xavier or Seph, but neither came. Where was everyone?

Danny made his way to the stairs, nearly tripping down them as he continued on his journey to find _anyone_ in this house. Looking outside, there were no cars in the driveway. Danny moved on to the kitchen. He found remnants of breakfast in the sink, and yet another note was there on the counter.

_Leftover bacon and pancake mix in the fridge in case you’re up before we’re back. Love you._

_-Uncle Cas_

Danny swallowed loudly, trembling as he dropped the note. What was happening? It was like the whole world was trying to pretend Emma wasn’t- wasn’t hurt. Wasn’t lying in a hospital bed, fighting for her life. Danny gripped the counter, closing his eyes and breathing through the tears. He jumped when there was a loud knocking from the front hall. Danny wound his way through the dining and living rooms, ending up at the front door. He wiped his eyes again and, standing tall, thrust open the door.

He froze halfway, trying to decide whether he should slam it shut or not.

“Danny? Aren’t you going to let me in?” There was now a frown on her face. Her perfect face. Emma’s gorgeous, non-smashed face. Danny wrenched the door open and threw himself forwards. He wrapped his arms around her midsection and held on for dear life, head on her shoulder and body shaking as he clung to his friend.

“Just a dream,” he gasped out. “It- it must have been a dream.”

“Danny?” Emma whispered softly. She rubbed small circles in his back like his mother used to do, and now Danny knew he was crying again. “Shh. It’s okay, you can tell me, it’s okay.” Finally, the biting cold got to Danny more than his desire to never let go, so he peeled himself from Emma, his hand gripping her own tightly, and let her actually come into the house before shutting the door. He looked her up and down, then flung himself onto her again, this time rasping sobs escaping his throat as he tried to mold his own body against hers.

“I’m so sorry, Emma, so so sorry,” he sobbed. Emma just clung to him, holding him as tightly as she could.

“Dan, what is it, what’s wrong? Please, tell me.” Danny finally stepped back, and laughed. It was a thick, wet sound, but definitely a laugh.

“No- nothing’s wrong, Emma. Nothing will ever be wrong. I’m- I’m just glad you’re here,” he told her softly. Emma smiled warmly at Danny, and quickly shed her mitten to take his hand in her own. It was warm and soft and oh so _real_. She quickly took the rest of her snow clothes off, taking both of Danny’s hands in her own.

“Are you sure? You can tell me anything. I promise. Do you want me to get Castiel?” Danny just shook his head no.

“He, uh. He and Ida, they went out.” Emma nodded at that. She smiled at Danny again, placing her hand on the side of his face.

“We’re here, Danny.” He frowned. We’re?

Something glitched. In the room, something was wrong. Her voice. What voice was that? It didn’t belong to Emma. He looked at her face, her normal, smiling face, her hand still on his cheek.

“Emma?”

“We’re here. It’s okay, baby, we’ve got you.” Danny’s eyes widened.

“How-”

“Danny?” her voice was small, full of fear. Emma’s eyes widened and she dropped her hand, moving it to her throat. The other grabbed the wall for support, her body moving in on itself. “Danny, what did you do?” she wailed. Groaning, she opened her mouth, a thick gob of blood spattering onto the floor.

“ _Emma_!” he shrieked, lurching forwards.

“ _Get back_ ,” she snapped, head coming up, teeth bared with blood dripping from them. “All your fault. This is _all your fault_.” She wretched, coughing more blood, spraying it on the wall. She opened her mouth in a loud, bloodcurdling scream, nails scraping the doorway, leaving deep furrows in the wood. “ _ALL YOUR FAULT! ALL YOUR FAULT!_ ”

“No!” Danny shouted. “No!”

“Oh, but it is,” a second voice said. Danny whipped around, his heart stopping when he saw his mother, just in front of the window, a soft smile on her face. “You see, Danny, you let Emma go. You didn’t stop her from crossing. Just like you didn’t stop talking in that car and got us killed.”

“She’s right, son,” his father chimed in, Danny taking a blind step backwards and snapping his head towards the couch. “If you’d have just shut the fuck up, your mother and I would be here.”

“Danny, everything’s all your fault,” Emma told him weakly. He turned back to see her on the ground, breathing heavily, weight against the wall and blood soaking her clothes. “It’s your fault I’m dying. Why didn’t you save me?”

“Why didn’t you save _me_?” his mother asked.

“Or me?” came his father. Danny grabbed at his hair, head spinning, body moving to try and look at them all and just _explain_ and try and get them to understand what happened. All he got was their accusing glares.

Danny woke screaming. Gabriel was in his room, holding him to the bed. Danny had been thrashing wildly, and got a pretty decent shot at Gabriel’s eye before the older man finally got him under control. When Danny became coherent, he just gripped his uncle tight and sobbed into his shirt. Gabriel held Danny, letting him cry, letting him do whatever he needed to do. He stroked the boy’s hair and murmured somewhat comforting words into his ear.

But what was there that he could really say at this point?

………..

“Time of death is 8:17pm.”

 _No_ , was the only thing Castiel could begin to think. _NONONONONO!_

_STOP LYING STOP IT RIGHT NOW NO SHE HAS TO BE OKAY STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT._

“Sir, please, stop!” a nurse yelled, Castiel realizing he had said those things aloud. Dean was rising shakily, and he dropped to the ground, a low scream rumbling out of his chest. Castiel didn’t know how, but he rose and then helped Dean to his feet. Dean lurched forwards, Castiel stumbling after him.

“Emma? Baby? Emma? Open your eyes, baby. Emma, open your eyes for daddy. Daddy’s here, baby, just please-” Dean’s broke on that please, as well as any emotion he was holding back. Tears flooded down his face and he collapsed on the corpse that was his daughter. Castiel fell into a chair, hands covering his head. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Emma. I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’ll never leave, baby, never. I love you, Emma, just open your eyes. Just- open them, I’ll be here. Emma. Emma?” Dean wrapped his arms around her, ignoring the blood that was slowly staining his shirt. Broken sobs left him, spilling out onto Emma, inhuman wails, breathless gasps.

Castiel was silent.

_You killed her. You didn’t stop her. Didn’t save her. YOU SICK FUCK, YOU LET THIS INNOCENT CHILD DIE, YOU SICK EXCUSE OF A MAN, YOU FUCKING KILLED HER, YOU KILLED HER!_

_All my fault. All of it._

Castiel was stuck in the chair, nails digging into the material, his mind screaming, his body still, but his mind on fire, everything haywire, everything _hurt_.

“She’s okay. She’ll be okay.”

“Sir?” a nurse said gently, and Castiel saw her lightly touch Dean’s arm.

“ _She’ll be okay_!” he yelled, standing suddenly, whirling towards the woman.

“Sir, your daughter has passed away.”

“No.”

“Mr. Winchester, come with me, come out of this room.”

“ _No, dammit!_ You- you’re all doctors, why don’t you _fix her_? Why does she have to die? _Why couldn’t it be me? Why does she have to die!?_ ” That snapped Castiel out of whatever reality he was in. He rose shakily to his feet, shuffling towards Dean. He hesitated with his hand over Dean’s shoulder. Dean had Emma’s hand in his own and was still whispering for her to wake up, to open her eyes, for her to do _anything_.

“Dean? Dean, can- can you look at me? Dean?” The other man turned his head slowly, looking like he was in a fog. “Hey, hey, can I sit?” Dean nodded numbly, and he turned back to his daughter. Carefully, Castiel pulled up two chairs, gently moving Dean to sit in one while Castiel took the other. His hands were shaking as he reached over and placed his hand on Dean’s back. Dean released a long, shaky breath, a small smile tracing his lips as he brushed stray hairs from Emma’s forehead, the few that remained after they had shaved it all off.

“Sir, we need you to leave,” a nurse told Dean gently. He ignored her. She looked at Castiel next. “Sir, we need to remove the body to the morgue, and prepare the roo-”

“ _No_!” Dean shouted, not looking up from Emma’s face.

“Sir, please-”

“I SAID NO!” Castiel stood hastily from his chair, nearly knocking it over. He glanced outside the room and saw a teary eyed Bobby being forced out of the ICU. Shocked, Castiel turned to the nurse.

“Please, ma’am, just a few minutes. It’s- his daughter, his only- you need to give us a minute, just a minute, please,” Castiel begged, voice cracking on the ‘please’.

“Sir-”

“ _Five minutes_!” Dean yelled, jumping out of his seat and throwing himself towards the nurse, getting into her personal space. Castiel placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder and tried to pull him back, but Dean just shrugged him off. “I just want _five minutes._ She would have been in this room for _weeks_ so you can give me _five fucking minutes_ with my only- my only dau- daughter.” Dean slumped away, Castiel grabbing his upper arm and dragging him back to the chair before he could collapse on the ground. Loud sobs ripped out of his mouth as he sat there, covering his eyes and trying to pull himself together. The nurse gave him a pained look.

“Please,” Castiel whispered. She nodded, turning on her heel and leaving the room, grabbing a doctor and whispering urgently to him. He stood there, unable to move, just staring blankly into space.

“Cas?” The broken voice pulled him back into reality and Castiel hurried to Dean.

“What can I do?” he asked desperately.

“Sit,” Dean mumbled hoarsely. Castiel sat. “When she was first born, I swore I’d protect her, Cas. I held her, just- just a football, in my arms, and I to- I _promised_ her that I’d keep her safe. I said I would never let anyone hurt her. I would put her first. I failed, Cas. I failed.” He sounded so hurt, so _broken_ that Castiel couldn’t help but pull him close, wrapping his arms around Dean. Dean gripped Castiel back, tears soaking into the nurse’s clothing Castiel was wearing.

“I’m here. We’re all here. Whatever you need, Dean, just ask.”

“Emma. I need Emma.” Castiel opened his eyes, looking over at the body on the bed. Her mouth was slightly open, her arm lying askew on the bed. Her eyes were slits, slightly open from when the defibrillator shook her body. Her leg had been removed from the sling that was holding it up. Blood was spilled across the sheets, her stitches on her chest opened, the ones on her abdomen now crusted with blackness.

“She isn’t- she can’t-” Castiel stopped himself. Dean blew out a breath, sitting up slowly. He glanced at Emma and grimaced. He bent forwards slowly, ever so slowly. Dean steadied himself with one hand on the hospital bed and put most of his weight on it, leaning forwards. He clenched his eyes shut and placed a kiss to Emma’s forehead, tears dripping onto her pale face as he pulled away hastily. Castiel caught Dean in his arms as he stumbled away from his child.

“Cas-”

“Come on. Come on.” Dean allowed himself to be led out of the room, tripping over his feet, one arm around Castiel’s shoulders and the other desperately wiping at his eyes, Castiel glancing from Dean to the nurses who were entering the room, covering Emma’s face with a sheet and moving her body from the bed onto a gurney. Dean didn’t look back.

They somehow ended up outside of the ICU in hard plastic chairs, Dean leaning with head on Castiel’s shoulder, Castiel gently running his fingers up and down Dean’s arm, not aware of the action. How long had they been sitting there?

Soon enough, the doctor came and pulled a chair up in front of them. Dean didn’t move, just shut his eyes.

“Mr. Winchester, we didn’t have high hopes for your daughter to survive the night.” Castiel stiffened, but Dean didn’t move a muscle. “The damage to Emma’s chest was much too severe for her heart to continue beating under the strain, and she went into cardiac arrest. We tried to resuscitate her for ten minutes to no avail. There was nothing we could have done to save her with all of the internal damage and blood loss. I am truly sorry for your loss, Mr. Winchester.”

“Dean?” Castiel asked hoarsely.

“I don’t care,” he breathed.

“What?” Castiel asked, not able to hear the other man.

“I said _I don’t care_!” he shouted, sitting up and running his hands through his hair. “She’s dead, isn’t she? Who gives a fuck, right? Who- who _cares_ how it happened, or if you’re fucking _sorry_?! _SHE’S DEAD. SHE’S DEAD AND SHE ISN’T-_ she isn’t- fuck. She’s gone. She isn’t co- coming back. She’s… she’s _never_ coming back. Never.” Dean slumped back over on his chair, covering his head with his arms and curling away from Castiel.

“A Mr. Robert Singer has been removed from the premises due to violent behaviour. No charges will be pressed, but he will not be allowed back on the property for the time being,” the doctor said, standing from her chair. “Mr. Winchester, you must understand that I am truly sorry for your lost. This is a pamphlet for a group therapy we offer at the hospital to those who have lost children, and if you should ever need any information in regards to your daughter’s passing, I have my name and my office on this card.” She gave the documents to Castiel, who nodded his thanks. There was a rock in his stomach that he knew would not come out. What time was it? How long had it been? When would this nightmare ever end? Castiel glanced at a clock on the wall to find that two hours had passed. He felt numb- it seemed to have only been seconds of his time. Dean was silent beside him.

“Dean? I- we should call- Dean, we- you- do you want me to-?” Dean didn’t move an inch. “The phones are right there… I- I’ll be…” Castiel gestured just a short distance in front of himself, rising from the uncomfortable chair and moving mechanically across the floor. His mind was on fire. So much of him wanted to scream and yell and panic and just _do something_ , but another part knew that that was not plausible. He needed to be calm. For now, for Dean, he needed to remain calm. Castiel grabbed two more quarters and dropped them into the machine. He took a deep, shaking breath and dialed Dean’s home phone number.

“Hello? Who is this?” came a woman- Jody’s- voice.

“Jody, this is J- Jim Nov- Novak. Fuck, I’m- I’m sorry-”

“Jim,” she murmured quietly, and he heard distant footsteps. “Jim, what is it?”

“I can’t do it. I can’t- not, not like this, not on the- Oh God,” he hissed, clutching at his chest. Something was IN THERE and it was just SCREAMING but he didn’t know how to stop it. So much for remaining calm. Castiel hurriedly made an attempt to control his breathing, but he knew he had failed.

“ _Jim_! What’s happened? Please, Jim, just tell me,” she insisted, her voice shaking.

“Emma- she, she didn’t. Jody, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” she breathed. She needed to hear it.

“Emma d- died, Jody,” he sobbed. There was an intake of breath and gasping sounds.

“Okay,” she rasped. “Okay. Okayokayokay. Oh God. No. Oh God, please.” There was a retching sound and the phone clattering. “Jimmy, Dean, Bobby-?”

“He won’t, he can’t- it’s bad. Bobby is gone, he got taken out. I- fuck, I’m so sorry. _I’m so sorry_.”

“Okay. We- okay. I need to go. I- Jim, help him, until someone else can.” Castiel nodded, and the other line went dead. He was trembling as he hung up his phone, looking back at Dean. He hadn’t moved. Carefully, Castiel placed two more quarters in the phone.

“Hello?” came a tired voice.

“Charlie?”

“Castiel?”

“Yeah, it- it’s me.”

“I… She’s gone?” Hearing it from Charlie so… so calmly, so expected, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for what was probably the fourth time that night. Castiel sunk to the floor again, with the phone against his ear, saliva thick in his mouth and teeth grinding together wetly. “Hey. Jim, hey, listen to me. It was _not your fault_. You did _everything_ you could. Everything. _It’s not your fault_.”

“It is, Charlie, it is!” he wailed. “I sh-should have d-done something!”

“Stop it! Jimmy, _listen to me_! It wasn’t your fault!”

“Charlie, what am I supposed to do? What am I sup- supposed to tell people, to do about Dean, about Ben and Timmy and Lisa and- and fuck, Danny, Charlie? _What am I supposed to do_?”

“Whatever you can. I’ll wake the family, but not the kids. We’ll deal, okay? We’ll figure it out. I’ll come up there-”

“No! You can’t. Stay.”

“All right, I’ll stay. But someone needs to help you.”

“I- I don’t… Jody will probably come, for Dean. I’ll call later, for you.”

“Make sure you d-” The line went dead. Castiel hadn’t even heard the insert more quarters warning. He looked back at Dean once more; same position. He put in the last of his quarters and dialed Lisa’s cell again. He didn’t even begin to expect what happened next.

“Hello? Dean? Hello?”

“This is Jim-”

“Where’s Dean? Emma, where is she, put her on the phone! Oh God, what hospital is it?”

“Avera Heart.”

“I’m ten minutes away, _put Dean on the phone_!”

“He can’t-”

“Don’t give me that _bullshit_ , put my _fucking_ husband on the phone!”

“HE CAN’T!” Castiel shouted. The line was quiet.

“Why not?” her voice was small, afraid. Castiel felt sick to his stomach.

“Just hurry,” was all he could make himself say. He hung up the payphone, tripping his way back to the seats.

“Cas?” came a hoarse voice.

“Dean? What do you need, I’m right here,” Castiel told him, smoothing a hand over Dean’s arm. Dean didn’t move.

“Emma’s dead.” Castiel stopped the movement of his hand.

“Dean-”

“My only daughter. Gone.”

“Please, just-”

“Cas, I fucked this up. I fucked everything up.” Dean raised his head, his eyes red and puffy, barely focusing on Castiel. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve Lisa or Ben or Timmy or Bobby or Adam or Sammy- I deserve to be on a hole in the ground.” Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. He grabbed Dean’s face between his hands.

“Don’t you say that,” he whispered fiercly. “Don’t you ever say that. Your family needs you, Dean, they _need_ you. Don’t you give up on them. Don’t you dare.” Dean just shook his head.

“I can’t fix this, Cas. She’ll never forgive me. I can’t fix this.”

Castiel just stared at Dean, no words coming to his mind. Dean pushed him away and balled back up again.

Castiel slumped down too, defeated.

How could anyone fix this?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where the opening quote is from, I found it watching a random video. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew it belonged in this fic.

_It's like you're screaming and no one can hear._

_You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important._

_That without them, you feel like nothing._

_No one’ll ever understand how much it hurts._

_You feel hopeless._

_Like nothing can save you._

_And when it’s over and it's gone…_

_You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back…_

_Just so you could have the good._

 

 

There was a static roar in Dean’s ear. Nothing in, nothing out. He was calm, quiet.

Too calm.

Too quiet.

And when Lisa walked in that door, so determined and set in her mind, the static broke. The wave of emotion had not yet hit, but even after all of their bullshit fights and issues, that thirteen year instinct to _protect_ was there, yelling at Dean, telling him to keep Lisa safe, to make sure she was okay. He stood from his chair. Cas was passed out in the one next to it, and Dean stood gingerly, making sure Cas’s head didn’t slip from his shoulder where it had been resting. Dean crossed the room silently, trying to get to Lisa before she could get to the front desk.

He needed to tell her.

Not a doctor, not a nurse.

Him.

She turned and jumped slightly, then narrowed her eyes at him. Her dry eyes. Exactly how much had he told her? Did he even mention the truck? Dean couldn’t remember what had happened, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to remember.

“Take me to Emma,” she said immediately.

“Lisa-”

“We can talk later, what room is she in? It took me too long to get up here and I want to see my baby. Take me to her.” Her voice was determined and sounded like steel, but Dean heard the slight quiver and the false threat in her words.

“Lisa, honey, come sit,” Dean croaked gently. Her eyebrows pulled together. Dean lightly took her arm, and she yanked it away, stepping back.

“No! I don’t want to sit, I want to see my daughter. Take me to her, Dean!” she yelled, loud enough for the nurses around the area to turn their heads in the couple’s direction. Dean opened his mouth, and then closed it. He took a deep breath, in and out, in and out.

“Emma was hit by a truck. Sh- she lost her arm.” His voice cracked. Lisa’s face was mortified as she stared at Dean, just shaking her head. “She had internal bleeding, a broken leg.”

“You just said had,” she sputtered. “You just said had. Why did you say had?”

“Lisa-”

“ _Why did you say had!?_ ” she shrieked, pointing a finger at him and getting into his personal space. Dean had no tears in his eyes as he looked at his frantic wife. He felt nothing.

He was nothing.

“At 8:17-”

“Stop.”

“-Emma’s heart stopped.”

“ _STOP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. STOP._ ”

“The doctors did everything they could-”

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP!”

“She’s gone, Lisa.” Realization dawned on her face. Her eyes were wide and her mouth gaping as she stepped back from Dean, shaking her head. Stuttering breaths were leaving her mouth, and soon, hysterical, gasping wails.

“No,” she whispered, her head still moving back and forth. “No, no NO _NO NO_!”

“She’s gone.”

“SHUT UP. STOP LYING TO ME, SHUT- SHUT-” She stopped, her body trembling. Dean reached out and pulled her into his arms. She screamed and thrashed, trying to get away, and he just pulled her closer, closing his eyes and murmuring under his breath. After a moment, she gave up her plight, broken sobs leaving her throat as she clung to Dean, her nails embedded in his shoulder and her entire being seeming to be trying to mold itself into Dean as it shook and she just wanted to melt away and not be THERE.

“I don’t know what to do,” Dean admitted, attempting to take a steadying breath. It sounded like he was choking. Lisa was sobbing uncontrollably, and soon both of them were on the floor, Lisa wrapped in Dean’s arms, her head on his shoulder, tears staining Dean’s shirt. Dean just stared straight ahead, his entire mind empty. He made somewhat comforting noises, but he knew nothing would help her, help him. Help anyone, for that matter.

Nurses passed hurriedly, glancing worrying looks at the two of them molded together on the floor. None of them said a word, though, just let them grieve. At one point Dean saw Cas walk by. There was a red headed woman with him; Charlie. He kept trying to pull away from Charlie, pointing at Dean. Dean tracked Cas’s movements with his eyes, but never said a word. Just kept running his hands up and down Lisa’s arms as she continued to sob hysterically. How long had it been? Dean glanced at a clock. Barely seven minutes. He could feel the guilt beginning to twist in his gut. The guilt over leaving her, the guilt over not getting here faster, the guilt over not being able to _save_ her. He could feel it all coming back, all of it mounting in his mind and about to crash down on him like a wave.

Lisa had stopped making her noises. She was just sitting there, her eyes closed, leaning into Dean, just sitting. She was quiet. Much too quiet.

“What can I do?” Dean whispered. She shook her head into his shoulder.

“Bring her back,” Lisa responded in a thick voice. This time, it was Dean who shook his head.

“She’s gone, Lisa. She’s gone.” And he knew it was true. And that was when Dean knew that nothing would ever hurt as much as saying that and realizing it was not a lie.

………..

They took Lisa to see the body. She had screamed, she had yelled at the doctor, at Dean, at herself, at the world in general. She clutched the sheets and pulled Emma into her arms, had held the cold body close to her own and wailed. She had laid her back down, brushed her remaining hair aside and kissed her forehead. And then again. And again and again. She had taken gasping, mournful breaths before she finally nodded, just kept nodding, and then shook her head, sunk to the floor, moaning and holding onto that sheet that was covering her baby. Her dead baby. Dean stood behind her, stock still, tears slowly leaving his eyes as he looked at his child. Lisa finally stood once more, and after a long, slow breath, she took the sheet in trembling hands, and covered Emma’s face. She immediately whirled towards Dean, wrapping her arms around him and sobbing. Dean pet her hair, pulling her as close as he could, his hands soon desperate on her body, making sure she was _real_. His eyes never left that covered sheet. They had changed it, he had known- there were no more blood stains.

Dean barely reacted when the coroner cleared his throat. Softly, he spoke. “Would you like a natural burial or cremation?” Lisa just wailed into Dean’s chest, on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Cremation,” Dean responded immediately. All Dean could see in his mind was all of those skeletons in the graveyard, worms eating their bodies, their flesh rotted and torn, worms inside of them. Emma, his Emma, he couldn’t let her end up like that. No. Cremation was the only option. In his mind’s eye, Dean knew exactly where they would spread the ashes.

“Okay. We’ll do it tomorrow, and you can pick up the ashes then. Is there an urn you would like her placed in?” Lisa had been quiet a moment, but sounded like she was choking now.

“The nicest one you have,” Dean replied quietly. “She won’t be in it for long.”

The coroner nodded, and Dean and Lisa left. Dean was practically carrying her. When he got to the lobby, Bobby was there, screaming at the receptionist with Rufus and Henriksen trying to pull him back. Bobby stopped in his tracks when he saw the two of them.

“Hey,” was all Dean managed before he moved a hand to cover his eyes as he wept. The three men hurried forwards, Bobby helping Lisa to sit, while Rufus and Henriksen helped to steady Dean. “She’s gone, I’m sorry, she’s gone,” he said over and over.

“It’s not your fault,” Rufus told him, wrapping Dean in an embrace. Henriksen gave him a worried look, but kept his distance. Rufus was never one for the emotional side of things, but thinking about that poor little girl, he felt tears stinging at his eyes.

Bobby and Rufus took Dean and Lisa to the Impala, Bobby getting in up front and Dean and Lisa in the back. Rufus left to get his truck and Henriksen took Bobby’s. The car ride was silent. Lisa kept nodding off, but she would just as soon flash her eyes open, look around, frightened, and clutch to Dean, chest heaving. Dean would take her hand, try to comfort her in any way that he could.

They arrived much too soon for Dean’s liking. Home meant Ben and Timmy and Adam.

Home meant admitting the truth out loud,

The truth meant telling his sons that their sister was dead.

How was he supposed to do that?

Rufus had gone straight home, and when they arrived at the house, Bobby’s truck was there, but Henriksen’s car was gone. Dean got out of the car and stumbled his way to the front of the Impala, Bobby helping Lisa out. The old trucker had put on his gruffest face, but his eyes were still shining. Lisa looked like she was about to pass out.

Dean was fumbling uselessly with the doorknob when it flew open and Jody was in his arms. She didn’t say anything, just held him close and stroked his hair as Dean cried. They stood on the front stoop for so long that Bobby opted to take Lisa in through the kitchen door. Finally, Dean peeled himself from Jody, nodding and gesturing to the door. Dean was freezing and Lisa must have been colder. But she wasn't there when he turned around, and he remembered Bobby had taken her another way. He was spacing in and out as he stepped inside. Dean shed his coat (he didn’t remember putting it on) and looked around the house, feeling his heart clench at how empty it was. A pitiful noise left his mouth when he looked at the stairs; Emma would never joyfully bound down them again, greeting Dean by throwing her arms around him, or by nodding her recognition and going to the kitchen, pretending to be cool, but in reality overjoyed that her dad was home. Dean swallowed, feeling the harsh lump in his throat and attempting again to push it back down.

When he and Jody passed the living room on the way to the kitchen, he saw Adam on the couch, asleep with his arms crossed over his chest and a frown on his face, tear tracks down his cheeks. Dean’s face softened when he saw his younger brother; how he was asleep Dean would never know.

If there was anyone who knew what Dean and Lisa were going through, it was Sheriff Jody Mills-Singer. Her husband and eight year old son had been brutally murdered while she was on duty six years ago. The killer was never caught. Jody never thought she would be with anyone again, but Bobby fit comfortably into her life, and they had been married two years now. Dean had been there when Jody had flashbacks to finding the mutilated bodies of her husband and son; she would go into hysterics, yelling about how she needed to help them and save them, and who would _do this_? It sometimes took an hour for her to come back. But Jody hadn’t had an attack in almost three years; she was strong, she could do it, and she could help Dean and Lisa get through it. Jody knew better than anyone that while the pain would never go away, never, it did get easier to manage.

She was trailing her hand up and down Dean’s arm when they stumbled into the kitchen. Dean looked at Jody, at her red eyes, her determined expression, her messy hair, and wondered how she had done it. How she had lost everything, _everything_ , and come back from the abyss. How she had stared this pain in the face, said fuck you, and gotten on with her life as best she could. Dean didn’t think he could do it.

He sat down in the chair across from Lisa, taking her hands in his. She looked at him with blank eyes; how long had she been awake? What time was it? Things that seemed so unimportant.

“The boys are asleep,” Jody told them softly. Dean nodded. “Do you want me to wake them?” Dean opened his mouth and then closed it, thinking.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I don’t know.”

“Maybe you should,” Bobby commented. Dean looked towards him slowly, feeling as if he was in some kind of trance.

“What would I even tell them?” he whispered. There was a hand on his shoulder.

“The truth,” Jody informed him. Dean leaned back in his chair, pulling his hands away from his wife and rubbing his face with them. Dean stood heavily, trudging to the stairs.

“Dean?” Lisa called. He turned back. She stood with him, and gave a nod to Jody and Bobby. They both made their way upstairs in silence. They went to Timmy’s room first, Dean cringing when he passed Emma’s room and swallowing a pitiful noise. He took a deep breath and pushed the creaky door open, going to Timmy’s bed and gently taking the boy’s shoulders, lifting him up.

“Timmy? Timmy, hey, wake up, buddy,” Dean croaked. Timmy yawned, rubbing his eyes and glancing blearily at Dean.

“Dad?” he mumbled. Dean was always amazed that Timmy had taken to calling him dad so fast. It made his heart hurt at this moment.

“Yeah, buddy. I’m gonna pick you up, okay?” Timmy nodded, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and his legs around his midsection when Dean lifted him up. Lisa was leaning in the doorway, a distant expression on her face. Dean moved past her and opened Ben’s door. He was awake, sitting on the bed, his hands in his lap. He looked up at Dean, and his face expression twisted. A hiccup of a sob left his lips, and he began to cry. Dean stumbled forwards with Timmy still wrapped around him, pulling Ben onto his lap too. Lisa sat down beside him, and he moved his arm out to pull her against himself and his sons.

“I’m sorry,” was all he could think to say. “She’s gone. She’s gone.”

……….

At this point, it was five in the morning and Dean had left his family asleep in Ben’s bed, Lisa protectively wrapped around their two boys. Adam had woken, but couldn’t look at Dean. Both Bobby and Jody had fallen asleep from exhaustion at the table. Dean decided to call Sam.

No one answered on the first try. When Dean rang again, Sam answered groggily.

“Hello?” he mumbled.

“What, no caller ID?” Dean sniffled with a chuckle.

“Dean?” he heard rustling blankets and padding feet, a door closing. “What is it? What happened? I thought Emma was doing okay?” The words were caught in Dean’s throat. “Dean?”

“I don’t know what to say,” he finally managed.

“Why are you calling from home?”

“I wish… I wish it had been different.”

“Don’t say it, Dean.”

“I was too late, Sammy.”

“Dean.”

“My baby. She’s- gone. She’s gone.”

When Dean heard his brother struggling to breathe, he sank to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing it away, teeth clenched and head pounding. If Sam was acting this way, it was real.

It was real.

It wasn’t a dream.

It was real.

“I’m flying out there,” Sam said at last, his voice thick. Dean opened his eyes.

“Okay,” Dean whispered.

“For the- for the, you… you know.” Dean’s eyes slammed shut

“Yeah. The funeral,” he choked out, a shaky breath rattling in his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

“Me too, Sammy. Me too.”

………..

One thing that Dean insisted upon was that this was _not_ a funeral in any way, shape or form. This was a celebration of life. Emma would have it no other way. If she found out they were all sitting around crying about her, Dean was sure that she would kick their asses. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself. He refused to hold it in a church. He refused to let anyone wear black. At one point, Lisa had whipped a plate at the wall, screaming at Dean that she just wanted to mourn her baby, and Dean had yelled back that he wasn’t going to disgrace her memory like that. Both of them ended up crying again.

Four days after the accident, it was time. Dean called everyone he could think of, and that included the grand asshole known as John Winchester.

John had asked why Dean just hadn’t picked the damn kid up from school.

Dean had ripped the phone out of the wall and drank a bottle of whiskey.

He lost count of how many people were actually invited, but they just kept coming and coming, bringing food and hugs and tears. Dean was on autopilot. He was a stone figurine and no one was going to break him. Not now. Not when Emma needed to be laughed about and have memories of her shared. He didn’t need to sit around and sob.

The last people to arrive were Cas, Danny, Ida and, surprisingly, Gabe. Dean let them in with a tired smile. Before he really understood what was happening, Castiel was hugging him, bringing him close and whispering a string of ‘I’m sorry’s’ faster than Dean could comprehend. Finally, Cas peeled himself off of Dean, attempting to compose himself, wrapping one arm around Danny and the other around Ida, who was crying already. Gabe shook Dean’s hand, nodding at the man. Dean nodded back, and gestured silently for them to enter the living room. Everyone was still talking when they came in, laughing and crying at the same time. Ben and Timmy were huddled in a corner with James. Sam and Jess stood with Andrew, and Sam looked at Dean with bleary eyes and a small lift of his lips when they made eye contact. Cas drifted into the crowd with the kids, while Gabriel branched off.

The funeral was nothing like most funerals.

Instead of people clad in black mourning the loss of a life taken too short, it was a room full of rainbows celebrating a life that was lived well. Even if it was a short life, it was a good one. People made speeches in the living room, but not one single person said they would miss Emma. Dean was grateful. The last thing he needed to hear was something he already knew. Eventually, he stood before them all.

“Hey, guys,” he began softly. “It’s been a wild ride, huh? Man, this kid… she was just… so vibrant, you know? So I want to thank you all. For doing this for us… for me. For being bright and happy, like she was. I think she’s smiling right now, wherever she is.” Dean felt the lump in his throat steadily growing. “While I wish she was here, like all of you do, she isn’t, and she can’t be, so all I can hope for is that she’s happy. That we’re all happy, and healthy, and loved.” Dean moved to sit down, running his hand under his nose. Sam grabbed him around the shoulders and Lisa took his hand. Ben and Timmy were crying. Cas was crying, the whole damn room was crying.

“Could hydrate a fucking Tanzanian village with all these waterworks,” Gabriel muttered under his breath whilst wiping his eyes. Dean saw Cas lightly smack his elder brother, but with a small smile. Dean noticed that Danny hadn’t spoken a word.

People began to leave, all still wiping at their eyes.

They had teary farewells and they all said they would call soon.

Dean knew they wouldn’t. He didn’t care anymore. About anything, really.

When Cas left, Lisa hugged him like she had nobody else. She moved her lips to his ear, and she breathed “Thank you for saving her.” While his wife hugged Cas, Dean crouched down to Danny’s level. The boy had red eyes but was steely faced.

“Hey,” he said. Danny was silent. “I want you to have something.” Dean reached into his pocket, and produced a black leather bracelet. He looked at it fondly. Danny stared at it lime he knew exactly what it was; he probably did. “She, uh, she wore this every day. I gave it to her… when we went on a trip. The- the morning it happened, she forgot it on the counter, that damned counter. It was very special to her. And I want you to have it.” Dean took the bracelet and slid it over Danny’s wrist. Tears were falling from the boy’s eyes, but he said nothing. Not a word. The look he gave Dean spoke more words than he needed, though. That look of such _gratitude_. Danny hugged Dean fiercely.

Finally, everyone was gone.

Sam and the kids had stayed, as had Bobby and Jody. Adam had been there the whole time, but he was like a ghost, barely seen. Ellen and Jo had showed up and stayed until just before Cas left, with true promises of returning. Dean looked towards the kitchen table, his gut churning. He nodded to himself, and Lisa looped her fingers through his.

They had found the perfect place to spread the ashes.

They all trekked their way through the backwoods behind Bobby’s old house, now Dean’s. Soon enough, they reached a meadow with a small pond. When Emma was young, Dean would bring her out here and they would play endlessly.

They spread the ashes along the edges on the pond.

Lisa was leaning into Dean’s side, Ben and Timmy in her arms.

None of them spoke a word.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm pretty sick with strep and a fuckin' doozy of a head cold. I hardly remember writing this and feel like I'll regret this decision later, but fuck it, let's post the bastard.
> 
> EDIT** So I just barely managed to read through this, and kept writing shit down so I wouldn't forget, because let me tell you, I read something right now and it's immediately gone. I jump from past and present tense like a /motherfucker/ in this thing, and I apologize profusely. They're all written down and I promise, as soon as I feel like my body won't drop and my head has no fuzz, I'll fix this shit.

It had been three weeks since the funeral. Twenty five days since the accident. And it had been two weeks since Danny returned to school. The boy was not okay. Castiel knew initially that he would be suffering, but now, it was getting worse. He hadn’t spoken since the night of the accident when Castiel had called him, not to Ida, Maria, Gabriel, anybody. He was silent. Every night, he would climb out of his bed and join Castiel in the master bedroom, keeping his distance from his uncle, but seeming to need to be reassured that he was there. Every night, an hour after Danny came, Ida would crawl in between them as well. Castiel knew it was only then that Danny would fall asleep, himself included.

Danny hated going to school. He had to sit in Gordon Walker’s class and get pitying looks from kids around the room, have Emma’s friends avoid him like the plague, and get ‘special talks’ from Gordon after class about his silence. Castiel had had an end put to that when a girl in Danny’s class, Chrissy Chambers, told him what was going on. Castiel had thanked her, and asked her if she wouldn’t mind keeping an eye on the boy. Chrissy said she already was, and that she would continue to do so. That put Castiel at ease, if only slightly. He felt like he was going crazy. He had nightmares about the accident, and woke frequently in the night. Danny looked like a zombie. Everything was just going to shit, and Castiel didn’t know how to handle it.

Every morning was the same. The three of them would wake up too early, and Castiel would shower while Danny helped his sister get dressed. Danny would take the dogs out after Castiel was out of the shower, and he would make breakfast. Ida talked. She was quieter, but she talked. Danny never spoke a word, and he hadn’t shed a tear since the funeral. The car rides to school were silent. There was a meeting with Missouri Mosely in a week, to discuss Danny’s emotional problems. Castiel had been assured there would no removal of the children, they just wanted to make sure he was well equipped to deal with this kind of emotional breakdown. Castiel wasn’t sure that he was.

On the twenty sixth day since Emma had died, Ben and Timmy returned to school. Castiel told the class, and informed them that they would treat Ben the same way they always had, and to not make him feel out of place. Jay had missed a week of school as well, and was still shaken up. She had lost much of her vibrancy, but clung to Castiel like a lifeline, never leaving his side. He hoped she would still play with Ben at lunches, give him some normalcy.

Dean came in early that day, Ben outside. Castiel hadn’t seen him since the funeral.

“Hey,” Dean mumbled.

“Hey,” Castiel said back. So much hung between them that Castiel wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. “How’s Lisa?” Wrong question.

“As well as she can be.”

“And you?” Dean rubbed his hand against the back of his neck.

“As well as I can be.” He nodded.

“Ben starts today.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll make sure he’s doing okay, Dean. I’ll call if something goes wrong, I promise.” Dean looked up at him with gratitude in his eyes.

“Thanks, Cas. For… for everything. Just… thanks.”

“If there’s anything I can do…”

“I, uh, I don’t mean to be a bother, but… Lisa, she wanted to see you. To thank you. Again.”

“There’s no need-”

“She feels there is. I feel there is,” Dean said firmly. Castiel nodded.

“Have you been working?” Dean looked down at the floor.

“It’s all I can do,” he whispered. “I… I can’t be in that house, Cas. The garage is bad enough, but at least there I can _fix_ things, you know? Not… not just be a huge disappointment to my kids, to Lisa. She hates it, that I work so much, I know she does.”

“It’s how you’re coping, don’t be sorry about it.”

“But I am. I should be with them. They just… they’re all so much like her, in how they look, in what they do. It hurts too much. Fuck, I should shut my trap. I’ll see you around, Cas, I’ll give you a call,” Dean said thickly, leaving before he could stop him, hug him or do anything to make him better. Castiel sunk into his chair, looking at the little fish swimming around. He had been renamed Arnold sometime in the past two months, and Castiel didn’t mind. He ran his hands over his face, groaning loudly, and jumped when there was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” he called, standing from the chair, hissing when he bumped his knee on the desk. “Gabriel? Why are you here?” Gabriel stood in the doorway looking panicked.

“It’s bad, Cassie.”

“I don’t understand, what’s bad?” Castiel asked, hurrying across the room and ushering his brother in. How many things could possibly go wrong now? Castiel frowned at his brother. He glanced out the window and caught sight of Danny and Ida, relief filling him that the kids were okay. “Is it Kali? Is the baby okay? Gabe, dammit, talk to me!”

“Anna knows already, and so does mom. I wanted to tell you.”

“Tell me what? Gabe!”

“It’s dad, okay?” he finally yelled, looking at Castiel with horror in his eyes. “His sentence got reduced.”

………..

Dean drove home after the bell rang, waiting with Ben and Timmy the whole time. He saw the looks kids were giving his boys and it made his heart clench. They would be the weird kids from now on, he knew, just like Dean had been. Dean, with his dead mom and abusive dad and baby brother that was like his own kid and his mysterious half-brother too. Now Ben and Timmy had their dead sister and their crazy parents. Dean wanted to throw something; he never wanted this life for his sons. This lack of life for his daughter.

When he got into the Impala, he at first just stared out into the playground, looking at the kids laughing and smiling. Apparently some teachers were more lenient, letting them play in the snow a while longer.

Dean’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest when the passenger door opened and a man with too long hair slid into the seat.

“Who are you and what the fuck are you doing in my car!?” Dean demanded, trying to get away from the mullet weirdo.

“Dean, don’t you remember me?” the man asked point at himself. Dean gave him a quizzical stare. “Yeah, the hair throws people off. Ash? Ash from high school?” Dean gaped slightly.

“ _Ash_? Oh my God, it’s been so long!” Dean exclaimed, reaching towards him and wrapping him in a hug.

“Yeah, man, I know! Just started here this year, didn’t even think to contact you, bro!” Dean smiled.

“Wow. This is crazy,” Dean said, shaking his head.

“I know.”

They were thrown into silence.

“I’m guessin’ you’re here for a sad reason,” Dean mumbled.

“I’m sorry, man. I got the news about your girl and all I wanted to do was talk to ya’. I wish there was something I could do.”

“Thanks, Ash.”

“Hey, how about you and me go out to the Roadhouse sometime, huh? Grab a few beers, get kinda drunk, I’ll hit on Jo. It’ll be like in high school. Well, Jo wasn’t there in high school, and there were no beers, but you know what I mean,” Ash said, waving his hand. Dean cracked a smile. He did know what the guy meant.

“Ash that would be great.” Dean fumbled around in his coat pocket and eventually produced a business card for Bobby’s shop. “Here, you can find me at this place.”

“Singer’s auto? You still know Bobby?” Ash asked.

“Yeah, he’s been great all these years.”

“Well, I better head in before the boss kicks my ass. I’ll see you around, Dean.” Ash opened the creaky door and left, his mullet swaying behind him as he entered the school. Dean slumped down in his seat, putting his hands over his eyes.

He felt nothing but the gnawing guilt in his gut.

He wondered absently if it would ever leave.

Dean stuck the key in the ignition, putting the car in gear and driving from the school back to his home. He stopped outside of the old house, just staring up at it, looking at Emma’s room and smiling. The smile faded, though, as it always did. Dean turned off the car, sitting and staring blankly into space, images of his daughter filling his mind. He turned and looked at the foot well in the middle of the front seat; Emma’s backpack was still there. Dean hadn’t taken it out when he received it after speaking with the principal about his sons. He carefully picked it up, smiling at how worn it was, fingering the buttons and shaking his head at the memories that surged through him of her buying them at various stores.

It wasn’t fair.

A flash of anger ripped through him, and he whipped the bag into the passenger seat, hitting it violently before throwing it into the back and slamming his fists again the steering wheel and the dashboard. He yelled and screamed, kicking the underside of the dash, his hands red and his breath coming out in misty huffs. Dean let loose one final angered shout before he stopped, hands stilling before him. He swallowed and released a heavy breath, sinking down in the seat and covering his face. He turned and reached into the back, grabbing the girl’s backpack and holding it tight to his chest, drinking in the last remnants of her scent he had.

Dean reluctantly left the Impala, closing the creaky door and looking at the house once more. He stopped when he saw Lisa staring out the window. He turned his head away and made a beeline for the garage.

The screen door on the back kitchen entrance slammed shut, but Dean continued walking.

“What the hell, Dean?” Lisa yelled, crossing the icy yard in her sneakers, clutching her robe tightly around her body. Dean stopped, teeth clenched. Nothing had been the same since it happened. Everything between Dean and his wife was wrong, and he avoided her at all costs. Adam made vague remarks about it, and Dean avoided the topic with him like the plague. Sam had brought it up before he went home, and Lisa was still trying to get him to talk.

“I have to go to work,” he told her. She laughed.

“Bullshit. Just… just _stop_ , Dean, for just a minute. Please. Come inside with me, we can sit down, talk-”

“Talk?” Dean questioned, finally turning to face her, the backpack hanging from his hand. “You want to _talk_? Okay, Lisa, we’ll talk. How about we talk about the fact that our daughter is dead, hm? Or do you want to talk about how weird you’ve been since last year? Or _maybe_ you want to talk about when you didn’t fucking come near me for three and a half _fucking_ months? Any of those topics _good enough_?” Dean yelled, throwing his hands in the air. Anger flashed across her face.

“Don’t you do this, Dean,” she spat. “Don’t you turn this whole thing around on me. You’re _shutting us out_. All you ever do is work in that _fucking_ garage! Ever since she died, you’ve been holed up in there!”

“It’s all I can do!” Dean retorted.

“No, it _isn’t_! You can comfort your sons or hold your wife or do fucking anything other than play with scraps of metal!” she screamed. It was getting out of control. _They_ were getting out of control. Dean wasn’t even sure what he was saying anymore.

“You think I don’t care about them? You think I don’t worry about our boys?”

“Well you sure as shit don’t show it!”

“I love them more than _anything_! I- I loved _her_ more than _anything_!”

“Why the fuck would you!?” Lisa shrieked. “She wasn’t even your dau-” Lisa’s hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide, her head shaking back and forth. “I didn’t say anything, I didn’t say _anything_! Fuck fuck _fuck_!”

Dean stood frozen to the spot.

………..

**September, 1992**

………..

A knock on the door startled Lisa. “Hey, Lise, you in there? It’s Jane, open up,” she heard, more knocking following. Lisa buried her head in her hands.

“Go away, Jane, I’m not in the mood!” she called back through the door.

“Well, now it’s more than that I have to take a piss. Open the goddam door before I break it down, Lisa Braeden!” Jane yelled. Lisa sighed, standing from the edge of the tub and going to the door, cracking it open.

“What, Jane?” She shoved her hand into the small crack and wrenched the door open, Lisa tripping and falling against the wall.

“Oh, shit, sor- oh my God. Is that-?” Lisa’s face was beat red. The pregnancy test was still on the counter. “Lisa, are you-?” She looked at the floor, not able to meet Jane’s persistent gaze. “Oh my _God_. Lisa- oh my _God_!”

“I know,” she whispered.

“Whose is it?” Jane asked, raising her hand to reach for her friend.

“I- fuck, Jane, I can’t tell you.”

“Holy shit, is it Dean’s?” she asked, gently leading Lisa from the bathroom. Lisa looked panic stricken.

“I wish to God it was,” she whispered.

“What?” Jane asked. “I didn’t catch that.

“It is, Jane,” she said hurriedly, snapping her head up. “Fuck, it is.”

………..

**Three weeks earlier**

……….

Dean was gone, and Lisa was free. She had cared deeply for Dean, she really had, but she could feel her time to be wild and crazy slipping from her fingers. She decided she wanted to be unpredictable, wild, have fun! Have a great night out, get drunk, fuck a random guy. These were the best days of her life, and she wanted to start living them.

She had known Gavin McCormick for a total of fifteen minutes when they entered the back room in a blustering, drunken stupor. They fucked in the staff area of the bar, and in their crazed heat, forgot the condom.

With Dean, there had been a close call, one of the reasons she had called off the relationship. She never told Dean about it when the test showed up as negative three days before she dumped him.

Gavin was not a good guy. After their late night fuck session, she had questioned her friends about him, even given him a call. He brushed her off, _her_ , and her friends told he’d fucked pretty much the entire University. He was failing out, he was living life, and he didn’t give a rat’s ass about who stood in his way. Lisa was embarrassed about it; she had been drunk and stupid. Granted, she was going to continue to be drunk and stupid, but _less_ drunk and stupid. And now all that was ruined, since she was pregnant. Thank the good gods that she hadn’t gotten some horrific disease. So far as she could tell, anyways.

With Gavin, it was hot, heavy, and most definitely a mistake. She decided to forget it as soon as it happened. She hadn’t realized how much the man looked like Dean- same physique, green eyes, blond hair- until many months later, when she was thankful that in hiding her secret, the baby would hopefully look like Dean.

After Emma was born, and after so long of pretending, for a time, Lisa herself actually let herself live in a world where Emma truly was Dean’s.

………..

**May, 1993**

………..

As Lisa had expected, Dean wanted a paternity test, which caused her guts to twist and rot. Emma was so small and so vulnerable and she needed a father- a _good_ father, not some random fuck from the backroom of a bar. While they took the blood from both Emma and Dean, Lisa could barely keep herself from shaking.

After months of parenting, so close to a year, she had forgotten about the test entirely. That is, until a letter came from LifeLabs. A letter revealing the results of a paternity test done eleven months prior. Lisa opened the test while Dean was at work.

She burned the papers.

Dean never asked. She assumed he forgot.

As far as Dean and everyone else in the world knew, Emma Winchester truly was Emma Winchester. That is, until the day that Lisa let a thirteen year old secret loose upon the world in a blaze of anger and grief of her daughter, and to who else but her husband, the one person who needed to know the most and the least.

………..

**March, 2006**

………..

“What do you mean ‘reduced sentence’? His sentence was twenty years, Gabe, we’re supposed to have _three more years_! How am I supposed to explain this to Danny, especially now? Gabriel, _how is this happening_?”

He could feel it.

The worry.

The ripping in his insides.

He moved his hands to his hair, pulling at it and wishing things would just _stop happening_. Why was all the shit being piled on _now_? Why now? Why?

“Cassie, stop. You’re okay. I’m here, and mom’s here and Anna's here, and we’ll get through it, I promise, Cassie, I promise,” Gabe said, pulling Castiel close to him. Castiel, a grown man. Castiel, an uncle, but also a father now. Castiel, a… a hero, in the eyes of some. Standing in this classroom, being comforted by an older brother, because he couldn’t handle his life enough to hold it together.

“Gabe, I’m so _tired_. I’m so _tired_ of being tired. I’m so tired of… of everything,” he whispered into his brother’s shirt. “I’m just… so, so tired.” He could practically feel Gabriel’s frown as his brother pulled him in tighter, Castiel resting his forehead against his brother’s shirt.

“I know Cassie, I know. I wish I could tell you that it can get easier, but right now it won’t. Don’t give up. Don’t give up.” They stood for a few moments longer. There were five minutes until the bell. Castiel could feel the knot in his stomach growing larger and larger, his chest getting tighter and tighter until he thought he just might explode.

But he didn’t.

He simply stepped away from Gabriel, nodded, and put himself into neutral. He stiffened his face and shoved all of this crap down, smothering it in his mind, burying it and locking it in a chest. This would backfire, he knew, but that was later. This was now.

“How long do we have?” Castiel asked, voice steady and sure.

“A month.”

It hit him like a train, and while his body didn’t react, his brain was on fire, screaming at him. Castiel willed his mind clear, taking all of the panic and throwing it deep into the crevices of his brain. Not right now.

“Thank you, Gabriel. I’ll call you tonight, after class,” Castiel told him. Gabriel nodded, shuffling awkwardly. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, and pulled his brother in for another hug. When the embrace ended, they walked down the stairs together, Castiel waving farewell as he left to greet his class. Ben Winchester was the last in the line.

The morning was uneventful. Lunch was painful, though. Everyone watched as Ben ate alone. Jay tried to sit with him, and he just got up and moved to a corner of the room. Castiel didn’t have recess duty, and when Ben didn’t go outside with the rest of the kids, Castiel sat at his desk and did his work. There was a ding on the PA system, and Castiel’s head snapped towards it.

“Mr. Novak, there’s a call for you on line one,” Mrs. Phelps, another of the secretaries, informed Castiel.

“Thank you, I’ll take it on the third level phone,” Castiel informed her. There was a click, and silence. He turned to Ben. “I’ll return in a few moments.” The boy just shrugged. Castiel hurried to get the call done with, moving into the upper staff room and picking up the phone. “Hello?”

“Jim? Castiel?”

“Lisa?”

………..

Everything was much too cold. Dean blamed his cold fingers on why he dropped the backpack. It wasn’t as if there was life ruining news that had just been thrust upon him.

 _Wait_.

_She’s not your dau-_

Not my what?

“Not my _what_?” Lisa had her hands over her mouth still, and was shaking her head, moving backwards over the ice, her eyes wide and her body shaking. “Who isn’t my _what_ , Lisa?” His voice was calm and collected, no anger showing through, just the dead husk he had been for a month now.

“Dean, please, let’s just go inside, forget this, Dean, I didn’t mean anything I said, please, let’s just go inside, it’s freezing Dean and-” She screamed when he lunged forwards, taking her arms in his hands and turning, dragging her body with the force of his own, moving effortlessly when he slammed her body into the metal side of the garage.

But that wasn’t him, was it? He wasn’t sure, the red hot _fury_ was ripping through him, and a nagging voice told him _stop hurting her_ but there was too much _rage_.

“ _Who_ isn’t my _what_?” Dean hissed, looking into her widened eyes. She just released a sobbing breath.

“Dean?” He heard behind him, and then a louder, concerned “Dean!” The voice continued with “Dean, let her go, put her down! Dean! _Dean_!” There was a hand on his shoulder, but Dean didn’t so much as flinch. His jaw tightened and he practically _snarled_ the next words at Lisa.

“ _Who isn’t my what?_ ”

“Don’t make me say it, don’t make me say it!” she cried, shaking her head. Dean shook her shoulders and there were arms around him now, pulling. It was about as effective as trying to push a boulder out of an ice patch.

“ _SAY IT_!” he yelled, staring her down. She looked at the ground and closed her eyes. “ _Look at me_.”

“You’re hurting me,” she whispered. The arms were gone and there were shouting voices, more people gathering.

“ _Say it_ ,” he growled.

“Emma wasn’t yours,” she barely breathed.

Dean released her shoulders, stepping back. He must have looked terrifying to anyone in the general vicinity. His raking his hands through his hair had left it sticking straight up, his cheeks were bright red, he was trembling; his eyes were full of rage and the way his lip curled up made him look rabid.

Lisa cowered against the garage, her arms wrapped around herself.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Dean?” he heard, it sounded like Rufus, but he wasn’t listening, he needed to GET OUT. Red was everywhere, everything was pulsing, there was a roar in his ears and Dean needed to _hurt_ to make her feel what he was feeling and to make her _hurt_ like he hurt, for thirteen years of _betrayal_ , for all of the lies, for _everything_.

“Dean, let’s get you inside, okay?” Adam said, walking in front of him, his hand put out cautiously, as one would approach a strange dog. Dean looked away from his brother, watching as Rufus picked Lisa up out of the snow and walked her back to the house. “Dean, we need to get you out of the cold. You’ll freeze. Dean, come in the garage, okay? Come on, just-” Dean ripped away violently when Adam placed his hand on Dean’s wrist, stepping back and nearly slipping on the ice. He just shook his head and kept backing away, hands over his ears, teeth clenching as he tries to get that _screech_ out of his eardrums.

“Dean!” he heard, muffled, like it’s under water. He just shook his head, finding himself tripping over something. He looked down to see the backpack. The anger melted away. Dean picked it up with trembling, frozen fingers. Adam was slowly making his way closer, his eyes never leaving his brother. “Dean, come with me, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Dean breathed.

“Dean,” Adam warned.

“I wish- I’m sorry.” Dean looked up to meet Adam’s eyes before turning away and striding to the Impala. Adam lunged at him, grabbing his arm and trying to turn him, but Dean was always the strongest between the two of them, even when he let Adam win at wrestling, Sammy too. Adam slipped and fell, and Dean flinched at the thump, but got into the car anyways, getting behind the wheel and driving out of there as fast as he could.

………..

“Yes, it’s Lisa, look, I don’t have time, but- have you seen Dean?” Castiel’s brows pulled together.

“Yes, I ha-”

“Is he okay? Please, tell him to come home, and I’m sorry, is he there? Please, Castiel, let me talk to him, please,” she insisted.

“Wait, Lisa, what’s happening? Dean was here this morning, to drop the children off for classes, I haven’t seen him since. What’s happened?” Castiel asked, feeling more and more confused by the second.

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Please- call if you hear from him.”

The line went dead.

Castiel turned to go back to his class, confusion showing in his features. When he opened the door, he froze.

He could hear soft sobs coming from the back of the class. Castiel carefully moved forwards, looking around the mess of desks and finally spotting Ben, still huddled in his corner, his knees drawn up to his chest, his face resting inside of them.

“Ben?” he asked quietly. The boy looked up, startled, and stood, running forwards and burying his face in Castiel’s midsection. Castiel hugged him back before stroking a hand through his hair.

“Shh, shh, it’s going to be okay, Ben, shh,” he murmured gently. Ben just shook his head.

“I m-miss her,” he sobbed into Castiel’s shirt. Castiel gripped Ben closer.

“I know, Ben. We all miss her. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to miss her. It’s going to be okay.”

Castiel felt worry pooling into his stomach, and he wondered briefly how many lies were in that sentence. As he hugged Ben, he willed those thoughts away. It wasn’t what the boy needed to hear, and it wasn’t what Castiel needed to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I owe you guys an apology... yeah... when I said it doesn't get happy for a while, I really wasn't lying.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shitballs, apparently I /really/ feel like writing in the past 24 hours. Uh. Okay. Just in case people didn't see, there's a chapter before this one.
> 
> Now, I can't reveal a lot, because it would ruin the surprise of the chapter, but there are a /fuck/ ton of triggers in this chapter. Read carefully, I've put hints in as to what it is, and please, be careful if easily triggered.
> 
> Anyways, now that I've got you all scared, you should know that I wrote this to the same playlist as Emma's chapter:
> 
> http://grooveshark.com/#!/playlist/Sad+Songs+For+Fics/100084910
> 
> EDIT** Suicide/attempted suicide trigger, depression trigger, manipulation trigger, emotional distress trigger

Castiel sat in his living room with a frown on his face, Gabriel and Anna both across from him. Anna had left Danielle at home with a sitter, which the girl claimed she didn’t need, but Anna insisted upon. Gabriel was here by himself, Kali at home with the boys, much to her dismay. Maria had shown up at the house of her own accord, and offered to take the kids to her house for the weekend. Castiel had never felt more grateful to his mother, hugging her fiercely. He did the same to Danny before the boy left, promising to explain when he got back, and he smothered Ida in kisses. She laughed and tried to push him away, her giggles filling Castiel with more joy than he thought possible. If it weren’t for those kids, those amazing kids, he wouldn’t have gotten through this as well as he did.

“Well this is a shit storm of epic proportions,” Gabriel grumbled. Anna let out a breathy laugh, shaking her head.

“I hate to say he’s right, but…”

“Aw, Anna, how sweet- you’re afraid to admit that I’m _always_ right.” Castiel smiled at his older siblings; he knew they were doing this for him. They knew how deathly afraid he was. They knew how the fear was pooling in his gut, and how he wanted to run and never come back.

On top of his father being released, Castiel had called Lisa as soon as he was home from school, asking about Dean. She told him the man had left the property and hadn’t been seen since nine that morning, not caring to elaborate further. It left Castiel’s stomach in knots, and was only another thing for him to worry about on top of everything else. It was too much, all of this was too much.

“Cassie?” Gabriel asked, reaching forwards and touching his arm. Castiel looked up, nodding absently.

“I’m here. Just… lost in thought,” he told them, smiling lightly. Gabriel blew out a loud breath, running his hands through his hair, which Castiel really wished he would cut, but knew not to push the issue.

“I called a lot of people last night. Starting, uh, starting with Samandriel. His mother was… hysterical. I forgot. How many were hurt, not just us, not just the kids. How could I forget?” Gabriel whispered. Anna wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling her brother in close.

“We’ll get through it, Gabe. All of us.”

“Michael was furious,” Gabriel told them, sitting up. “Lucifer was outright vicious. He started asking what legal rights Gord has, if he can see the kids, if this will affect Lucifer adopting Hunter… I told him to call Michael. A few of the others had gotten phone calls as well. I’m pretty surprised Mike and Luci hadn’t, but hey. Raphael, Metatron, Uriel, Raziel- they were informed. That was it. Everyone else… they were so shocked.”

“How do I explain this to Danny?” Castiel asked, looking up at his siblings. “How do I add this on to his stress? His parents are dead. His best friend is dead. And now his… putrid excuse of a grandfather is being released. How is that even so, Gabe?”

“I called and asked,” Anna told them. Gordon Novak was given twenty years in prison for rape, torture, psychological trauma, spousal and child abuse and, not that they had anything solid and that there was a confession, suspicion of murder. “He’s out on good behaviour. And… when he was arrested, this wasn’t in place, but recently it’s come into action. Since he waited so long for his trial, every day he sat in a jail cell waiting for his trial and sentence counts towards a half day off of it.”

“How? Why? Who would let him out?” Castiel whispered, shaking his head. “Don’t they understand?”

“He was given an evaluation,” Gabriel commented. “Said to be rehabilitated. They have no fears of him continuing in criminal actions.” His words sounded poisoned coming out of his mouth as he practically spat them on the floor. Castiel outright laughed at Gabriel’s reply.

“That is the biggest pile of bullshit ever to be said,” he muttered, shaking his head. “He’s just… what if he continues? What if he tries to- oh no. No. What if tries to take the kids? Anna, what if he tries to take the kids, what if he thinks they’re decedents of his… his army, and he can- he can take them?”

“Cas! Cas, calm down, hey-” Anna moved from the love seat across from him, sitting next to him and wrapping him in a hug.

“Don’t panic. It’ll be okay.”

“The things he did-” Castiel shuddered, his mind flashing back to that dark place. “I had buried it, Anna. I had thrown it into a pit and set it on fire. What now? What do we do now?”

“We keep going. We ignore it, until it bites us in the ass,” Gabriel suggested. Castiel looked up at him through his hands, a frown on his face.

“What?” he and Anna both asked. Gabriel shrugged.

“He doesn’t contact us, that’s that. He contacts our siblings, we get shit done. What if he just leaves us alone? What if?”

“Gabriel, you can’t really think that,” Anna scoffed.

“Why not?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow thoughtfully. “What if he _really_ leaves us alone?” The room was quiet. “We have a month until he’s out. We can’t do anything and we can’t even know until then.” Castiel nodded slowly.

“Okay. Okay.”

“Okay?” Anna asked, looking back and forth between her brothers. “How is any of this okay? What do I tell my daughter? Hey, sweetie, the man who beat mommy and your uncles and lead her to be reckless and confused, ending up in a rape and you, is being released from prison, but it’s _fucking okay_ because he _might_ leave us alone!? Really, _that’s_ what you want me say?” Anna’s eyes were hard as she looked from brother to brother. Castiel swallowed harshly, feeling like the sound could echo in the room it was so quiet.

“We all hate him, Anna. We all do.”

“But we can’t just lose our lives over this,” Gabriel chimed in. “I… I’ll never know what you went through. Neither of us will. Ever. But Anna… don’t let him rule your life.” Anna hung her head, clenching her teeth. Castiel knew she was trying to hold back the tears. He raised his hand slowly, gently putting it on her back, moving his fingers up and down her spine. That was when she began to cry. It was like when they were kids again. Anna always got the worst. She would protect the two of them to her dying breath. Sometimes, Castiel forgot. He forgot that when he was just six years old, Anna twelve, she was the only thing keeping him alive. The only protection he had.

“I know you’re scared,” he whispered. “I know. I am too. But we’ll get through it. Together.”

………..

Castiel insisted his siblings spend the night; it was Friday, and the kids weren’t due back until Sunday evening. They both left, Anna saying she needed to get to Danielle, Gabriel giving him an understanding look, but telling him a pregnant Kali with two screaming kids could result in death. After they left, Castiel wished they had caught on. He wished they had realized how _terrified_ he was. Gord in prison or not, he was scared. Of so much. He wished Gabriel had offered to take Castiel back with him, but he didn’t. Castiel closed the door and sank against it. Xavier came loping down the stairs, Persephone just behind him. Xavy sat in front of Castiel with his little yellow ears perked up, head tilted to the side. Castiel reached forwards and wrapped him in a tight hug, scooching closer and holding on for dear life. The dog whined and licked his head. Seph nuzzled his hand, and he soon had the two of them in his arms, his chest heaving and his body shaking.

“So stupid,” he mumbled into their bodies. “I was so stupid, thinking it would be okay. So stupid.” They, of course, couldn’t answer, but neither resisted his affection as he scratched their ears. He took deep breath after deep breath, feeling as if he was going to explode. He just sat there, collecting himself, for God knows how long. Eventually, he stood, still petting the dogs, who were bouncing around beside him. He moved to the back of the house, opening the door leading to the fenced in yard, letting the dogs run and prance in the snow, Xavy plowing Seph into a large drift. Castiel leaned against the door with his arms crossed, breathe puffing in the cold air, a soft smile on his face as he watched the two idiots.

He closed the door and stepped inside against the biting cold. Walking to the fridge to grab some kind of late night dinner, Castiel finally flicked on the lights, grumbling at the dark. He sighed when the phone rang, abandoning his leftover Chinese food on the counter and picking the cord phone up off the wall.

“Hello?” he asked, greeted by silence. “Hello?” He was about hand up when a pained voice spoke onto the phone. It was barely above a whisper.

“Cas?”

………..

Dean drove for a very long time. He didn’t know where he was going, he just knew the Impala had a full tank and he needed to _get out_. He wound up at the Roadhouse. Stumbling out of the car, Dean managed to get inside without breaking his neck on the ice.

“Place doesn’t open ‘til three!” Ellen called from the back, though she always kept the door unlocked, just in case one of the Winchesters or the Singers wandered in.

“Ellen?” Dean called, standing in the middle of the restaurant. His breathing was heavy. He felt the anger creeping back in tendrils. His hands closed into fists at his sides, and he wanted to throw something, to break something, to _do_ something, _anything_. He took a shuddering breath, clenching his teeth, his jaw tightening as he fought for control of himself. He didn’t move when Jo came out, a towel slung over her shoulder and a grin on her face that slowly melted away.

“Dean?” Jo asked, concern flashing across her face. Ellen came from the kitchen, her face hardening when she saw Dean.

“Joanna Beth, you go on now,” Ellen told the girl. Jo glared at her mother, moving towards Dean.

“Dean, are you okay?” she asked, reaching for him. Dean ripped away from her, stumbling back, moving his hands to his head.

“ _Jo_ ,” Ellen snapped. “ _Get_.” Jo backed away warily, heading into the back employees area, continuing to look behind her back at Dean and Ellen. Ellen looked over her shoulder, making sure Jo was gone. Her voice softened. “Dean, I’m going to walk towards you, and place my hand on your back. I’m going to take you to a booth.” Her voice was calm and comforting. Dean didn’t react in any way, and it stayed the same when she touched the jacket he had on, firmly pressing onto his back and maneuvering him towards the nearest booth. He sat in it, not looking at Ellen, his eyes squeezed shut. She sat across from him, waiting. Eventually, Dean felt the rage receding, not leaving him, but fading enough that he could open his eyes and finally meet Ellen’s.

“Hey Ellen,” he muttered, looking away from her. She reached out, gently taking his face and turning it towards him.

“Boy, what happened to you?” she asked. Dean and Ellen had never been incredibly close. Sure, when he was a kid she let him steal a beer and here and there, and he was up to her place all the time. Even though they weren’t the greatest friends, Ellen was all Dean had ever really had for a mother. Jody, he and Jody got along great, saw each other all the time. But Jody wasn’t Ellen. Ellen was special to Dean in a way even he didn’t really understand. He wished he had been around her more all these years so this visit wouldn’t add onto his guilt, but it was too late now.

“I can’t, Ellen. I just can’t,” Dean whispered, finding it harder and harder to look at the woman.

“Can’t what, Dean? What’s happened?”

“It’s Emma.” Ellen nodded.

“I understand the pain, Dean, I do, and the anger, but that… Dean that was more than anger. What happened?”

“Have you ever been told something so… so _awful_ that you don’t know how to live, Ellen?” Dean asked. She narrowed her eyes.

“When Bill died, I didn’t know how to go on. But I did. I had Jo. And you have Lisa and those boys and your brothers and hell, even Bobby and Jimmy Novak. Yes, I know Jimmy’s back, Ellen-phants never forget,” she told him, a small smile on her lips. She used to say that to him to crack him up as a kid, but now it didn’t affect him at all.

“But I don’t, Ellen,” he said, and there was so much _grief_ in his eyes that Ellen knew there was more.

“Dean, what happened?” He pulled back from her, his eyes wet, but no tears leaving, looking around the room with his hands fisted in his hair.

“I’ve been living a _lie_ , Ellen, for all this time, everything’s been a lie.” Ellen frowned, pursing her lips.

“I don’t understand.”

“Thirteen years she’s been lying to me.”

“Who has, Dean?”

“Lisa.”

“What did she lie about?” Ellen felt sick to her stomach. In her mind, she already knew.

“It’s Emma. She… fuck, Ellen. She lied. She fucking _lied_ to me, so many times, for so many years, and I- I can’t _handle it_ , I can’t think about it… She wasn’t mine to love,” Dean breathed, voice barely audible. Ellen’s face crumbled. She reached out and took Dean’s hand.

“It doesn’t matter what no test says, Dean. That little girl was your baby. Always. She always will be, too. Don’t you let biological circumstances tell you any different,” Ellen told him, moving her thumbs over his hands, her eyes searching his face. He shook his head, pulling his hands back.

“I need to go, Ellen,” he said, and was out of the booth before Ellen knew what was happening, already at the door when she was just getting out.

“Dean-” she called, but the door slammed, cutting her off. Ellen let loose a curse and ran across the restaurant, flinging the door open and slipping after the car as it sped out of the parking lot and down the road. Dean was angry. He was confused and alone and he wanted to get drunk. He drove until he found another bar, a bar where no one would know him. It was late. Seven at night. He had been driving for a long time. Too long. He stumbled out of the Impala, making a beeline for the bathroom in the bar. The next thing he did was get drunk. Very, very drunk. He stumbled out of the place after midnight, leaving the car and stumbling down the street to the motel he had seen when he rolled in. Paying for a night, Dean struggled to get the door open. He stepped in and sunk heavily into a mattress, hands clasped before him.

He looked over at the small bedside clock, making out half past midnight on it. He picked his cellphone up out of his pocket, punching in numbers drunkenly.

“Dean? Where are you? I’m on my way out, Dean, don’t do anything stupid-”

“Shut up Sam,” Dean told him, his voice surprisingly clear and confident. “Don’t bother. There’s nothing for you here, just like there’s nothing for me here.”

“De-” He flipped the phone shut before opening it and turning it off, just in case Sam decided to get shifty and track him down. Dean ran his hands through his hair. The whole room was fuzzy.

He didn’t remember falling asleep.

Friday came fast. He took all of his cash out of his bank account in Nebraska, then circling back up to South Dakota. He spent his nights getting shitfaced and his days driving around and buying drugs from the pharmacy, a new one every day. He had a decent stash going on in the trunk of the Impala. He wasn’t sure why for a long time. It wasn’t until Friday night, when he ended up parking the car in the school in the cover of darkness, and going to sit by the road Emma had been killed, that he knew why he had bought all of those drugs. He knew exactly why. How he hadn’t figured out what his subconscious was doing, Dean wasn’t sure. He didn’t cry, sitting on that road and looking at the bloodstains in the road. After a while of sitting blankly, he stood, feeling the guilt leave his body. The massive weight left his shoulders. Dean could _breathe_. He did, in fact. He stood in the cold, taking huge breath after breath, letting the cold swirl in his lungs.

Dean got back into the car and sat. He looked around, a small smile on his lips. Emma’s backpack was still in the back seat.

Dean drove out of Sioux Falls to Vermillion, looking around at the old school, but avoiding John’s current apartment building and his old house. Dean ended up in front of the payphones in front of the library. He got out with change in his pockets, slipping them in and dialing his house.

“Hello?” Adam answered.

“Don’t tell her it’s me,” was all Dean said.

“I won’t,” Adam told him. There was a pause. “Where are you?”

“I can’t tell you,” he mumbled. “I miss you guys.”

“Come home, Dean. I know it hurts, but you need to come home.”

“What’s the point?”

“Your _kids_ are the point, dumbass! They miss you. I miss you.”

“I can’t.” Another pause.

“Sam keeps threatening to fly out if we don’t find you soon.”

“I’m gonna call him too.”

“Good. Will you be okay?” Dean was quiet now.

“I think so. I just need some time.”

“Okay.”

“Can I talk to them?”

“Yeah, sure. Lisa’s gone right now, groceries. I’ll get them.”

“Adam!” Dean called.

“Yeah?”

“You’re a great brother.” Silence.

“You too, Dean. Just hang on a minute.” Dean heard the phone drop, and soon the sound of footsteps.

“Dad?” came Ben’s voice.

“Are you okay?” asked Timmy. A small smile crossed Dean’s lips. He pressed his forehead against the top of the payphone.

“Yeah, bud, I’m okay. Miss you guys.”

“Are you coming home?” Ben questioned, his voice strained. Dean looked down at his feet.

“Not tonight. Soon, I hope.”

“Why did you leave?” Timmy asked. Dean opened his mouth and closed it again.

“It’s not your fault, guys. I promise you, it’s a grown up thing,” Dean told them, his face falling.

“We know, dad,” Ben assured him. “We miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Dean whispered.

“Dad?” Ben asked.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Is it because of Emma?”

“A little. I miss her a lot, and I need to clear my head,” Dean told him.

“I think I get it,” Ben whispered.

“We love you, dad,” Timmy told him.

“I love you guys too. More than anything. Never, _ever_ forget that. Okay?”

“Okay, dad,” Ben whispered, and Dean could nearly hear the frown in his voice. The phone said he needed more quarters.

“I have to go. I love you more than you’ll ever know. Never forget it. I love you so much,” Dean told them.

“I love you too, da-” The phone cut Ben off, and Dean hung up. He felt empty. It was a nice feeling. He pushed in more coins and started dialing again.

“Hello?” Jess answered.

“Hey, Jess, it’s Dean,” he told her, adjusting his position to lean against the payphone now, looking from the ground to straight ahead.

“Oh, Dean, thank God! Hold on, let me get, Sam, don’t hang up!” Jess insisted, and Dean heard footsteps leaving and names being yelled before the phone was picked up again.

“Dean? Dean, is it you? Are you okay? Where are you?”

“Yeah, Sammy, it’s me. I don’t have much time, but I need to tell you something.”

“Dean, please, go home. I know what happened. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but Dean- you gotta go home.” Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“When we were kids, there was a lot of shit.”

“Dean, stop.”

“Let me say it, Sammy. There was a lot of shit. A lot. When dad would go out for hours and leave us alone, you were all I had. Ever had. I raised you, Sammy, all alone. I thought I hated it, but now, I know I did good with you, Sammy. You did good too, with Jess and the kids. I’ll always be happy I got to spend my childhood with you, Sam,” Dean told him.

“Dean-” Sam croaked.

“I know I don’t say it a lot. I know I don’t. But I love you, Sammy. So much. And I love your kids, make sure you tell them that.”

“Don’t you dare, Dean. Don’t you dare.”

“I love you, Sammy. This… I just… Goodbye, Sammy.”

The line went dead.

“Dean?” Sam asked. “ _Dean_!” he yelled into the phone, before throwing it across the room, smashing it on the wall. He tore out of the kitchen, flying past the dogs and his kids, grabbing his coat as he reached the front door. Jess grabbed his arm.

“Sam!” she yelled, turning him around, her face full of worry. “Where are you going!?”

“To stop Dean,” he breathed.

………..

Dean had run out of change. He knew he only had enough for two calls. He got back into the car, driving to God knows where. When he ended up in the big field that was five minutes from his old house, he was surprised. He and Sam used to play here, and they had lit fireworks one Fourth of July, nearly burning down the whole damn thing. Dean sat in the snow, smoothing his fingers over it, not feeling the biting cold. There were trees everywhere and a small dirt road. He had parked Baby just outside of the tree line; maybe that would make it a little easier to find him after. Whatever made it easier for people, he supposed.

Dean looked down at the bottles before himself, and the water he had brought. A bottle of Tylenol, one of Ibuprofen, and he had a shit ton of sleeping pills. He took a long, deep breath, laying back in the field. His cell phone fell out of his pocket, and he picked it up, staring at it. Dean flipped it open, looking through his contacts, and stopping at Cas’. He hit the call button.

“Hello?” he heard, and a small smile fell to his lips. “Hello?” He wanted to just hang up, but he had gone and called, and he didn’t want those to be the last words he heard Cas say.

“Cas?” he asked, feeling slightly stupid over it.

“Dean? Is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” he said, moving forwards and uncapping the sleeping pill bottle, putting three in his hand and staring at them.

“Are you okay? Are you home now?”

“I’m doing okay, Cas. I’m not home.”

“Where are you?”

Why not tell him? It’s not like he’d get there in time.

“I’m by my old house. It’s nice here, alone in the woods, you know?”

“Why are you in the woods?” Castiel asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“Because I need to be.”

“Dean. Dean, stop what you’re doing. Let me come get you, okay? Let me come and pick you up. I could take you home, or I could bring to Bobby’s or even my house. Don’t do anything stupid, Dean.”

“It’s the smartest thing I can do, Cas,” Dean told him, taking the pills and swallowing them dry. He opened the Tylenol bottle.

“Dean, stop, I’m coming, don’t do anything, please, just _stop_ ,” Cas begged. Dean shook his head.

“Bye, Cas,” he said, hanging up the phone. He tossed it into the trees, eyes focusing on the pills in his hands.

……….

Castiel swore, slamming his phone down and ripping the back door open. He left it like that before sprinting to the front hall, grabbing his keys and forgetting a coat. He made a beeline for the car, getting in and hoping to Christ it started on the first try. Castiel had no time to celebrate when it did, slamming on the gas as soon as he was out of the driveway. As he sped down the road, Castiel finally remember his seatbelt. He reached his hand down to his pocket to take out cellphone, and yelled in frustration when it wasn’t there, or in the others on his body.

“ _Fuck_!” he screamed, the fear and desperation only rising higher in him. Castiel drove as fast as he possibly could without getting himself killed, because what good would that do Dean? He had never been happier he didn’t move to Sioux Falls, which was a solid half an hour to an hour to Vermillion. At the rate Castiel was going, he would be there in eleven, ten minutes.

He didn’t turn on the heat and was beginning to feel the cold creep into his fingers, but the adrenaline rushed over it, and be really didn’t feel it anymore.

Castiel was on autopilot. He reached Dean’s childhood home and kept driving, mind on fire, looking desperately for some kind of woods. Castiel nearly let out a whoop when he saw them, and then, only a moment later, the Impala. He screeched to a stop behind her, stumbling out of the car and leaving it running with the door open. He slid across the ice rather than running, finding the small dirt road and getting up it as fast as he could. His breath fogged around him as Castiel stopped in the front of the clearing, looking around with wild eyes.

They landed on a dark mound in the snow. Castiel forced himself to move, tripping and plowing through the snow.

“ _DEAN! DEAN!_ ” he screamed, falling next to him, taking him by the shoulders and shaking him. His eyes fell on the pill bottles, his heart in his throat. “ _No_. No, _you bastard_ , you _aren’t_ dead, you _can’t be dead_!” Castiel reached a frozen hand down and pressed it against Dean’s neck, which was like a block of ice. He didn’t have time for this. Castiel opened Dean’s mouth, placing his lips on Dean’s own and forcing breath into the man, again and again. He moved his hands to Dean’s chest and began compressions against it. Castiel leaned close to Dean’s mouth, hearing soft breaths, barely audible.

He scrambled to his feet, picking Dean up and throwing him over his shoulder in a fireman carry. The adrenaline coursing through his veins, fueling him. Castiel somehow managed to get Dean back to the car, getting him in and cranking up the heat. He slammed his door and floored it, spinning the car around and tearing through Dean’s old neighbourhood; the hospital was ten minutes away, only ten minutes away.

“Dean, you _hold on_ , do you hear me!? _You hold on_! Don’t you _dare_ die on me!”

Castiel reached a hand back, pushing it against Dean’s chest.

It was still.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... this is becoming a problem. I have homework to do, but I can't stop writing this. Uuuugh I can tell a huge ass dry spell is coming, get ready. Shorter than usual chapter, the last two have been maybe eleven or twelve pages, this one is six. It may be short, but it demanded to be written. I have no fucking clue what's going on anymore or what will happen, so buckle up kids, we're all in this together.

Castiel ripped his hand away like Dean was on fire. He focused on the road, the wheel in a death grip, speeding faster than he was sure anyone had in a long time.

“Fine,” he mumbled under his breath, sparing Dean quick glances. “You’ll be just fine. You always are. Do you know why you’ll be just fine? Because you have sons who need you, that’s why. They can’t lose anything else, Dean, especially not you, so you need to _breathe_ and make this better for everyone, okay? Fucking _breathe_ , Dean!”

Castiel made it to the hospital in six minutes. He had no idea how fast he drove, or how he even got there. He immediately ripped open his door and got Dean out of the back of the car, taking him under his shoulders and dragging him out, screaming for help as loud as he could and wishing he was louder. He pulled Dean around the car, and soon there was a gurney coming with nurses, three of them and himself managing to lift Dean onto the gurney as they hurried inside.

“What happened?” one of them immediately asked.

“I found him in a field, he called me and I was there in- in fuck, I don’t know, eight minutes, ten? I saw… oh God.” Castiel looked as they pushed Dean away and he brought his hands to his face, pushing the hair out of the way, shaking his head again and again.

“ _Sir_ ,” the nurse snapped, trying to get Castiel to focus on her. “What did you see?”

“Pills. Three bottles, at least, in the snow. Uh, I saw a red cap, Tylenol, and two others, I- I’m sorry, I don’t know,” Castiel told her, his expression crumbling. She nodded.

“How long was the drive?”

“Six, seven minutes? He… three minutes ago, I don’t think he was breathing,” he croaked, voice barely audible.

“What is your relationship with him?” she asked next, her voice significantly softer.

“Friends. We’re- friends. I need to call his family,” Castiel realized, vomit rising in his throat. He turned away from the nurse, spying a trash can and emptying bile into it. He spat before rising, and found the nurse next to him, looking concerned.

“Sir, come and sit down, the hospital can contact his family if you don’t feel up to it,” she told him, leading him towards the waiting room. He let the woman take his arm, and when they reached the room he thanked her, but insisted he called. She nodded, and told him if he needed anything to ask. When she left, he realized how cold he was, but didn’t want to mention it.

The phone calls went as well as expected. Lisa was just coming home, and she hung up on Castiel as soon as she knew which hospital it was- St. James, just down the road from the University. Gabriel said he was on his way before Castiel could object. Maria assured Castiel the children were safe with her, and if he needed her to come and stay at the house with them for a while she will. It all makes Castiel think they assume Dean is dead. But he isn’t. He can’t be dead; Castiel had heard those breaths, and they have time to resuscitate him- yeah, they can, he’s sure of it.

Castiel sat and waited. And waited and waited. His mind was blank, his hands together, resting under his chin. Before anyone else arrives, a police officer comes and is pointed in his direction. Castiel sat up straight, looking the officer in the eye as she approached.

“My name is Kathleen, Mr… Novak, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you a few questions,” she says, removing her hat and sitting beside Castiel, removing a notepad and pen from her pocket. Castiel nodded, wringing his hands. “What is your relation to the victim?”

“Dean is my friend,” Castiel told her, frowning slightly when he wondered if that was really true. Would the sentence now be was? Is the word ‘is’ still applicable? Castiel shook the thoughts from his head.

“Can you tell me what happened tonight, starting from the first things you remember?”

“Uh… I let my dogs out, and got a call. It was Dean, he told me where he was. He sounded… be sounded wrong. So I went to where he was, and he was in the snow, he wasn’t breathing. I proceeded with CPR, mouth to mouth and chest compressions. I carried Dean to my car, and drove him here.” Her brow crinkled, and she looked up from her writing.

“How did he sound wrong, Mr. Novak?”

“His… Dean’s daughter died, about a month ago,” Castiel told his hands. “Something happened earlier in the week, between himself and his wife. Dean ran. And… when he was on the phone, he sounded distanced. Like nothing was wrong, when something was obviously wrong. There were pill bottles in the snow.” Castiel folded his hands quietly in his lap.

“He called you and not his wife?” she asked, still not writing as she stared. Castiel nodded. “Attempted suicide?” There it was. Everything Castiel was trying not to think about. He squeezed his eyes shut and pushed his hands together, nodding once more.

Lisa came in through the waiting room doors, zeroing in on Castiel. He stood, fumbling as he did so, and when she reached him she slapped him across the face. Bewildered, Castiel stepped back, raising his hands defensively. Kathleen stepped before him, frowning at Lisa.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” she said, her voice icy and stern. Castiel saw Adam slide in the doors behind her, making his way over cautiously.

“It’s okay,” Castiel told the officer. “She’s Dean’s wife.” Kathleen looked from Castiel to Lisa and back.

“We’re done with questions. If you remember anything else, give me a call.” Kathleen gave Castiel the police station business card, and departed from the waiting room. Lisa’s arms were wrapped around herself. She looked exhausted; deep bags were under her eyes and her whole body was trembling. Castiel reached out for her, thought better of it, and gestured for her to sit. She did so, Castiel sitting down and Adam beside him; he had no desire to be near Lisa at this time.

“Why did he call you?” she whispered. “Why wouldn’t he call me?” Castiel heard Adam snort and turned towards him, an eyebrow raised. Lisa just glared.

“I’m sorry- really, Lisa? _Really_?” he asked. Castiel tilted his head to the side, feeling very confused.

“What do you mean?” When Adam opened his mouth to speak, a doctor entered the room, scanning it.

“Castiel Novak?” she called. Castiel and the other two stood, walking towards the doctor. Castiel’s heart was beating a mile a minute in his chest. Before she spoke, Gabriel entered the building, spotting Castiel and frowning, staying where he was by the doors for the time being. The doctor lowered her eyes to floor before looking up once more and clearing her throat.

“When Mr. Winchester entered the hospital, his heart was not beating,” was the first thing the doctor said. Castiel had steeled himself for this; he knew this. It didn’t stop the knife from stabbing into his gut and making its way to his lungs, punching the air out of them. Lisa gasped, a choking sound, but there was no one for her to turn to. The doctor continued. “After numerous attempts to resuscitate him using CPR, we brought out the defibrillator, which also failed. After several more moments of chest compressions, we got a faint pulse on Mr. Winchester.” Castiel released a breath he had not known he was holding, his knees feeling weak as he slumped down, hands on his legs as he tried to breathe.

“Mr. Winchester’s stomach has been pumped, and a very large number of pills were removed. The hypothermia-”

“Hypothermia?” Lisa whispered, looking from Adam to Castiel, who were both focused on the doctor, who nodded at Lisa’s comment.

“The hypothermia managed to slow his metabolism enough that perhaps only forty or forty five percent of the pills were actually digested and sent into his system. From what we can tell thus far, there was Tylenol and Ibuprofen, as well as an unidentified third drug. Mr. Winchester has suffered from _severe_ hypothermia to his entire body, and it has started his organs to shut down. This was caused to happen so quickly by the amount of alcohol in his system. We have proceeded to begin warming him, and we have intravenous fluids flowing through his arm as well as his chest, abdomen and legs. He will be sent for extracorporeal membrane oxygenation as soon as he has stabilized enough that we can safely insert the devices into his lungs. We will wait two hours, and at that time hopefully be able to perform the operation. Mr. Winchester has fallen into an expected coma, but we are unsure when or even if he will awaken. If he does-” It hit Castiel like a freight train that she had switched from if or when to just if- how much faith did she even have in Dean? “-the health complications will be numerous, and he will have a very long time until he is recovered.”

“Can we see him?” Adam asked quietly, face fallen and eyes pleading.

“He is currently stationed in the ICU. One person at a time is allowed, and only family for infrequent visits; if there is a complication we need to be able to get in there fast and get it fixed.” The entire time that Castiel listened to her, he felt like he was having an out of body experience. The entire time all that flashed through his mind was that if the doctors at Avera Heart had been thus efficient, perhaps Emma would still be alive.

“Thank you, doctor,” Adam said. She gave Adam and Lisa instructions on where to find Dean, and she left. Adam turned towards Castiel.

“Thank you, Castiel. For saving him,” he whispered, eyes focusing on the floor.

“I wish I had done more,” he mumbled. Before Adam could contradict him, Castiel began to speak again. “If anything changes, even minuscule, please call me. I believe Lisa has the number.” Castiel brushed past her, heading straight to Gabriel, his chest and throat tight and his eyes burning. Gabriel didn’t say a word, just led his brother out of the hospital. Castiel’s car was moved from the emergency entrance; he would come back for it tomorrow, which would give him a decent excuse to check up on Dean. Gabriel took him to his van, and they drove to the house in silence. Castiel just stared out the window, unsure of what to do.

“Stop the car,” he said quietly.

“What?” Gabriel replied, looking at his brother with concern.

“Stop the car!” he yelled. Gabriel hit the breaks and pulled over, Castiel already unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the door. He bent over, retching and vomiting into the ditch. He spat in the snow before moving to lean against the van, bending down and putting his elbows on his knees, his head held between his hands. Gabriel was calm and quiet beside him, idly running his fingers up and down Castiel’s back.

“I don’t even know what to say,” the older man muttered. Castiel shook his head and straightened up, clearing his noise and looking out into the dark field that stretched before them.

“Me either.” They got back into the car. Gabriel insisted that Castiel come to his house, and Castiel assured him he would, but they needed to stop back at his own home to lock it up and close the doors. Castiel left Gabriel in the car, hurrying inside to be greeted by the dogs. He closed the back door, stuck the Chinese in the fridge, and fed the dogs. Going upstairs, he turned off all of Danny’s fish tank lights before proceeding to his room to grab fresh clothes for the next morning. He stopped when he was in his closet, frowning and looking near the back, finding a box he hadn’t placed there. A small sticky note was on the top.

_Remember when I was really into pictures? I found these in my old suitcase, and thought you should have them. I’m trusting you to do the right thing, Jimmy._

_-Charlie_

Castiel sat on the floor and pulled the box out of his closet. He opened it up slowly, carefully, his heart beating a mile a minute in his chest. In the box was an array of pictures. He picked a few up and heard a gasp slip from his mouth. He and Dean and Garth all studying on the floor of his room; Ruby and Charlie kissing while Castiel made a face in the background, Dean giving him bunny ears; Castiel and Dean laughing over God knows what. All of them- Dean, Castiel, Charlie, Ruby, Garth- laughing at the Roadhouse, that night that Garth almost died choking on a French fry. There were so many pictures and so many memories. Castiel wasn’t sure how long he sat there for. Eventually, the pictures progressed into Dean and Castiel’s romantic relationship.

The Halloween of ’92, Dean went out as Clint Eastwood and Castiel joined him, dressing up in traditional Western gear. There was the two of them before leaving for the party, standing next to each other and holding out their guns, followed by a picture of them laughing. There were snapshots from the party itself. The one that made Castiel stop was a moment he had forgotten entirely since that year.

 _“Dean, it’s too loud in here, let’s go back to my dorm,”_ he had whined.

 _“Naw, Cas, it’s so much fun here, everyone’s having a good time!”_ Dean retorted.

_“Prove it.”_

That was when Charlie snapped the picture. Dean had taken Castiel in his arms and kissed him in a place where anyone could see. Castiel remember being mad about the flash going off, but Charlie just giggled and ran away, leaving Castiel to roll his eyes and for Dean to kiss him again.

Castiel looked down at the picture with his breath caught in his throat. He tried to swallow, but it suddenly became very difficult. Carefully, Castiel placed the picture back in the box, stowing it in his closet and closing the door. He leaned back against it, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths. He heard Gabriel enter the house and the dogs bark. His brother plodded along downstairs calling his name, and when he finally spotted Castiel in the master bedroom, he crouched in front of him with a look of concern.

“Cassie? Are you okay?” Gabriel asked gently.

“He’s going to die.” The words shocked Castiel and he opened his eyes, frowning and angry at himself. Why would he say that? Gabriel sighed and shifted to sit beside his brother.

“He might, yeah.”

“I wish I had pulled my head out of my ass and just been friends with him,” he whispered.

“You still have that chance.” Castiel shook his head.

“Friends isn’t in the cards for me. Not anymore.” Gabriel sighed.

“You’re in love with him.” He let the words hang. Castiel knew they were true. He wished they weren’t, but they were.

“And now he’s going to die.” Gabriel was quiet, seeming to mull over his brother’s words.

“Let’s get you to my house, okay Cassie?” Gabriel stood, offering Castiel his hand. He took, pulling himself to his feet with Gabriel as a counter weight. They walked outside, Castiel petting the dogs goodbye.

When they arrived at Gabriel’s house, the realization truly hit Castiel.

He loved Dean.

And Dean was going to die.

Just before they entered the house, Castiel fell on the porch, just kneeling there staring into nothing, everything in his body seeming to ache and scream at him.

“Cassie, come on. Come on, get up,” Gabriel murmured, taking his brother under the shoulders and hauling him to his feet. There were tears in Castiel’s eyes, but they never fell. He and Gabriel stumbled through the door, seeing Kali asleep on the couch, Peter and Aaron likely in their cribs. The two men crept past the sleeping woman, and Castiel made his way upstairs, bidding Gabriel good night. He went straight for the guest bedroom, entering it and closing the door. He dropped his bag of clothes on the floor and went straight for the bed, getting under the covers and trying to get some kind of warmth into his body.

He looked over at the clock; it had been two hours since he found Dean. Two long, torturous hours. Castiel laid back down, hands folded over his chest, mind blank as he stared at the ceiling.

“You stupid asshole,” he whispered into nothingness. “You stupid, _selfish_ asshole. How could you do this? How could you take yourself away like that? Do you think you’re that worthless, do you-” He stopped, wondering exactly what he was doing. Castiel took another breath, letting it out shakily. “Do you really hate yourself that much? That you think no one would notice, no one would care?” He stopped again, wiping away the stray liquid in his eyes. Castiel knew now that he likely wouldn’t be getting a wink of sleep until he had called back to the hospital and found out what was happening with Dean. But he couldn’t do it now- he needed to wait, to let himself calm down.

“Well,” he said to no one, “you’re wrong, Dean. You’re wrong.

“I care.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! Let's do this! Just remember- I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I've done some research on what I'm writing about, but not a lot, since this is a fanfic and I, unfortunately, have shit to do. If you notice something wrong with my medical diagnoses, please tell me, and I'll do my best to change them.

The next morning, Castiel woke at the crack of dawn and, not caring about the time or how pissed his brother might be, he went into Gabriel’s room and tapped him on his shoulder before nearly pushing him out of the bed to wake him. Kali had made it upstairs, and she actually did push Gabriel out, groaning that he needed to go before Castiel woke the twins and made her get out of bed sooner than she wished. Castiel was already dressed and ready to go, and he insisted that pyjamas were fine for his brother to wear, but the man just scoffed and put on a pair of jeans.

“Commando Gabe? Really?” Castiel asked with a wince when his brother didn’t warn him before pulling down the sleepwear and mooning his brother, swiping them for pants in one fluid motion.

“It’s the only way to go early in the morning, Cassie.” Unfortunately, this was the only conversation the two had. The walk to the car was silent, and the drive to the hospital was silent. Gabe parked the car and told Castiel to go without him, that he would find Castiel’s car and call his brother when he was ready. This time, Castiel had remembered his cellphone. Castiel thanked him and made his way to the front desk. He had assumed that when he asked they would wish to know he was family, and he was right.

“No,” he sighed, “I’m not family.” Just as he was about to turn, Kathleen, the police officer from the night before, stopped him at the desk.

“Novak, right?” she asked, a sad smile on her face.

“Castiel,” he told her, too tired to try and bring Jimmy into this. Kathleen pointed at the receptionist.

“She not letting you up?”

“I’m sorry, officer, but it’s protocol.” Kathleen turned towards her, leaning over the desk and saying things that Castiel couldn’t hear. Eventually, she turned back to him with a smile.

“Come with me,” she said, taking him over to the elevators. They rode up in silence.

“Thank you, officer,” he mumbled as they came to a stop, the doors opening and the two of them stepping out to walk down the hall.

“It’s the least I could do- you saved the guy’s life and all.” Kathleen shrugged. They were standing just outside the ICU, Castiel staring in worriedly. “Hey.” She placed a hand on his arm. “It’s gonna be fine.” Castiel shook his head.

“Likely not,” he muttered.

“Your… friend is going to be just fine. Don’t worry about him. He’s got angels watching over him- namely you.” Castiel frowned. Why had she hesitated when saying friend? Kathleen patted him on his shoulder before looking at her watch. “I was here to see if he was awake, actually, which he isn’t, by the way, and I’ve gotta run. It was nice seeing you under slightly better circumstances.” She waved before moving back down the hallway. Castiel waved his hand in a silent goodbye. Castiel turned and walked through the sliding doors that held in the intensive care unit. He walked to a desk, about to ask about Dean Winchester, when he saw Sam pass by. His forehead crinkled and he stepped forwards.

“Sam?” he called out. The younger Winchester stopped, turning with a frown to look for who had called his name. When he saw Castiel, his eyes widened and he stepped forwards, placing his coffee on a counter and wrapping his arms around Castiel, holding him tight. Castiel returned the embrace, relief washing through him that Sam was here, that he could watch over his brother and keep Dean safe. Castiel clung to the man, and they stayed there for a longer period than most deemed acceptable.

Neither seemed to have the same problems as Dean with how long men’s hugs should go on for. Eventually, Sam stepped back, rubbing a hand down his face, looking utterly exhausted.

“Jim, it’s so great to see you,” Sam said, a genuine smile crossing his face amongst all of the pain. “There’s so much I need to thank you for.” Castiel waved his hand in the air.

“You don’t need to thank me for anything. And… and call me Cas, Sam,” he told him. So few people called him Jimmy anymore. He had grown to accept his name over the years, and he was sick of how foreign it sounded on other people’s tongues when Jim rolled off.

“Nothing to thank you for? Cas, you saved Dean’s _life_ ,” Sam said, and there was so much gratitude in that sentence that he nearly believed what Sam was telling him.

“Sam-”

“Don’t, you won’t change my mind.” Castiel sighed, mimicking Sam and rubbing a hand down his face.

“You flew from California? When did you get here?”

“At about two or three your time.”

“How did you manage to get here so quickly?” Castiel asked, frowning slightly.

“Dean called me,” Sam confessed. “I could tell something was wrong. I called Lisa on my way to the airport, Jess was booking my flight for me. She panicked, but there was nothing… nothing we could do. Cas, if it wasn’t for you, he’d- he’d be dead.” Castiel swallowed loudly.

“He’s not much better off,” Castiel muttered. Sam sighed and ran a hand through his head.

“But he’s alive.” Castiel felt relief rush through him. No one had actually said those words to him. Sure, he had thought them, and he knew they were true. But no one had outright stated that until now, and Castiel just felt so… so _free_.

“What now?” Castiel questioned. Sam grabbed his coffee and gestured to a few of the plastic chairs lining the wall. They sat.

“Now… they try their best to get him warm and his organs working. He got a fever overnight. His brain is swollen in certain areas- I didn’t catch the names when the doctor told me, I was a little out of it… still am. I… they’re considering surgery, to lessen the swelling. If it doesn’t go down there won’t be a choice.”

“How is it possible for there to be swelling?” Castiel asked, frowning. Sam shrugged.

“Something about inflamed patches and hitting his head on an ice patch or a rock when he blacked out. I wish I knew.”

“Can be breathe?” Sam blew out a long breath before shaking his head. Castiel cringed at that.

“Not right now. It’s… it’s too much, right now. But they say that soon they can take the tubes out, just give him a nasal… thing. The name’s on the tip of my tongue…”

“It’s okay, Sam.” He nodded.

“I’m, uh, I’m thinking of having him moved.” Castiel felt his entire body tense at those words. “You know, out to California. Lisa thinks she can do it, look after him, she has the legal rights, but Dean would hate me if he knew he was with her. And Adam-”

“I apologize for interrupting, Sam, but why would Dean be angry with being in Lisa’s care?” Sam looked at him, eyebrow raised.

“You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“The whole reason Dean left.”

“We never discussed it… Why?”

“Cas… Cas, Emma wasn’t Dean’s kid. Not biologically, at least.” It was if he could feel all of the energy drain from his body as he stared at Sam, his jaw slack.

………..

**November, 1992**

……….

“I swear to God all mighty-”

“You don’t believe in God, Dean.”

“Oh fuck off, Cas!”

“Shut it, would you?” Jo groaned, setting their food down at last.

“Thank Jesus! I was about to eat Cas!” Dean exclaimed. Jo rolled her eyes.

“As if. The only part of him you’d eat is his as-”

“LA LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU BECAUSE YOUR WORDS ARE UNTRUE LALALALAAAA!” Dean shouted, covering his ears with his hands. Jo rolled her eyes and walked away, going to her next table. Nobody but Charlie and Ruby knew about their relationship. Jo had her assumptions, but she had made comments as such between even Dean and Garth- anything to get a blush out of the man.

“I’m going to pretend none of that happened,” Castiel said with a small smile, biting into his cheeseburger. Dean grinned and did the same. They ate in companionable silence, Dean’s foot pressing up against Castiel’s in an impromptu game of footsie that Castiel wasn’t complaining about.

“So,” Dean said, shoving his plate aside and crossing his arms. “How’s school been?” Castiel snorted. “What?”

“It’s good, mom,” he said with a smile. Dean chuckled.

“Didn’t know you were that kinky, Cas,” he said, winking. Castiel paled.

“No, no, I didn’t-” Dean cut him off with a loud laugh.

“Kidding, Cas, kidding!” He sighed in relief. Dean sat shaking his head at him while Castiel finished his meal. He looked out across the restaurant, smiling at a young couple with their baby. A mother was walking by them with her own little girl in hand, the child skipping merrily as they made their way to the bathroom. “Hey, you all right, man?” Dean waved his hand in front of his face, frowning in the process.

“Yes, fine,” Castiel said, clearing his throat and turning back to Dean. He hesitated before his next words. “What do you think about children?” he asked tentatively. Dean sat back in the booth, releasing a breath and slapping his hands against the table top in some kind of tune.

“Kids? You wanna have the kids talk?”

“No, not… the kids talk, but… I suppose, yes, the kids talk. I mean… we can’t exactly easily produce biological children,” Castiel murmured, focusing on the floor with his cheeks burning. When he looked up and met Dean’s eyes, Dean gave him a strange smile. Castiel hadn’t ever seen that smile on him. He looked… content, is the only way he could really describe it.

“Cas, kids isn’t a problem for me. It doesn’t matter if they’re really mine or not- if I love them and I raise them, they’re mine, y’know? Like… like how it is with Sammy, kinda. Kid’s great, and sometimes… it feels like he’s more than my brother. And I’d love to have that with any kid as long as I raise it.” Castiel wasn’t sure how to react. “What? You seem nervous now.”

“I just… it’s a relief, for me, for you to say that. I feel… lighter, I guess.”

“Why? ‘cause I’m on the rugrat bandwagon?” Castiel laughed.

“I suppose so.”

“But you aren’t planning that for a while, right?”

“Six weeks at least,” Castiel joked, getting a grin and an eye roll from Dean.

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Thank you, for not freaking out, Dean.”

“It’s fine, man. Kids are kids. I’ve always wanted ‘em.”

The conversation eventually changed, likely into something about a part or Thanksgiving. Perhaps it even got a little dirty, and perhaps Castiel’s cheeks flamed as he glanced around the Roadhouse to be sure no one was listening. But no matter what they spoke about, it would all be forgotten, as most things discussed in University are.

That is, until someone reminds of you of that exact conversation.

………..

**February, 2006**

……….

Castiel couldn’t stop staring at Sam. “What… what do you mean, Emma isn’t- wasn’t- Dean’s? What does that even mean?”

“Lisa lied, is what it means,” Sam practically growled. “She lied to everyone. For _years_. She tricked him, way back in the day. And now… since they’re married, she technically has all control over his medical procedures, which is bullshit. Cas, you okay?” Sam frowned, placing a hand on Castiel’s side as he stared straight ahead, eyes wide. Castiel’s mind was ablaze.

Emma wasn’t Dean’s.

He couldn’t imagine what that must have done to him. To have his daughter ripped away from him physically, and then like this. Just… completely obliterated from his life.

“That’s why he took the pills,” Castiel breathed. Sam lowered his head, giving a slight nod. Castiel took a sharp breath, closing his eyes and leaning back against the small bench. He shook his head. “How could he, Sam? How could he do this? To you? To Adam, Ben, Timmy- to m-” Castiel stopped himself before he said ‘me’. He knew that he wasn’t an important factor in Castiel’s decisions.

Was he?

Dean had called him, hadn’t he? In his last moments before he thought he was going to die, Dean chose _Castiel_. Of all of the people he could have called- Sam, Bobby, Adam, _anyone_ , he chose Castiel.

“I don’t know, Cas. Dean’s not… he pretends he’s all strong, but he’s _not_. After what happened when we were kids, how could it be? Jesus, he watched our mom _die_ and then raised me. How can anyone be okay after that?” Sam whispered.

“I don’t know. But Sam- one of us could have _helped_ him! Why couldn’t he see that?” Sam shook his head.

“I don’t know, Cas. I really don’t.” Sam shifted beside him, staring down at his coffee. “But I really think moving him to California would be best. I can… I can take care of him. Adam’s just a kid, and Lisa… well, you know now. I can’t be away from him like this, too much can happen that I could miss. Cas… if she doesn’t let me take him, I’m staying up here. There’s no way I’m leaving Dean alone.”

“He won’t be alone,” Castiel told Sam. “I’ll be here every day they let me. And he _will_ have Adam, and Lisa too, I’m sure.” Sam shook his head.

“I’m not talking about unconscious, Cas. I’m talking about when he wakes up- God knows what damage has been done. He… he could be really brain damaged, Cas. Really bad.”

“I don’t care. I’ll help him too,” Castiel told him firmly, and was quite surprised to find that he meant the words. Sam sighed.

“I know you will, Cas, I know. But Jess is a nurse, and she’s been thinking of switching into home nursery since last summer. This… this could work, if he comes with me.” Sam wasn’t wrong. It all made perfect sense. But why did that hurt Castiel so much? The thought of Dean so far away, unable to contact him easily, unable to see him… It was too much. It was all too much.

“You’re right. You’re right, I’m sorry, I’m just…” Castiel let the sentence drop. Sam offered him a tiny smile.

“I know, Cas.” They sat quietly for a few more moments. “Do you want to see him?” Castiel’s head snapped towards Sam.

“Can I?” he asked, eyes pleading.

“Of course you can. C’mon,” Sam said, standing and gesturing down the hall. Castiel followed on his heels, and stopped dead outside a room that had clear sliding doors. Inside was Dean. There was a tube sticking out of him mouth, another through his nose. Needles seemed to be everywhere. His gown was open at the front, easy access to the wires and tubes coming from there, Castiel assumed. He couldn’t stop staring. “I know. It’s… it’s a lot. I know.”

“He’s so… small,” Castiel breathed. Dean always seemed larger than life, ready to spew the next joke or defend someone or something he cared about, but now… he was so still, so quiet. It was unnerving.

“Here, they’re saying two are allowed now, since… since he- since he survived the night.” Castiel nodded numbly, following Sam towards the doors. He saw Adam in a chair outside the room, mouth hanging open and head resting on his shoulder. Castiel’s eyes refocused on the room, and he saw Lisa sitting in a chair next to Dean’s bed, one of his hands in her own.

“…just wake up, Dean. I’ll leave, I’ll stay, I’ll do whatever you want, just wake up. Please. Please, please wake up, Dean,” she was murmuring to him, her eyes dry and tired. Sam cleared his throat and she jumped, zeroing in on Castiel. She placed Dean’s hand gently on the bed and stood slowly.

“Cas came to see him,” Sam told her. She didn’t do anything but continue to stare at Castiel, her body stiff. “So, maybe we should step out.”

“I’m not leaving him,” Lisa said firmly. Sam sighed.

“Lisa, come on. Five minutes.” Lisa bit her lip, looking back at Dean before nodding. Castiel could tell that at this point Sam was too exhausted to be fighting with Lisa, and it was the same with the woman. They left, Sam clapping Castiel on the shoulder before doing so. Castiel was alone with Dean. He sat down in the chair Lisa had been occupying, looking Dean up and down.

“You don’t look half bad,” he muttered, moving his fingers gently over Dean’s own. “Not as blue as yesterday, at least.” Castiel removed his coat from his body. Dean’s room was much warmer than the rest of the hospital, and Castiel was already beginning to sweat. “I know you can hear me. I just want to tell you… people keep saying I saved you. But I didn’t. I think… I think, in a way, you saved yourself, Dean. You… didn’t need to call anyone. But you did. You called me, when you knew how quickly I could get to you. You wanted to die, but I think your body knew you really didn’t. I don’t know anymore. I’m just rambling, I suppose.” Castiel sighed, running a hand through his hair.

He leaned forwards in the chair, ignoring the creak. He reached his hand forwards, gently taking Dean’s in his own. He ran his fingers across the back, which luckily was lacking a needle. Castiel looked out the glass and saw that Lisa and Sam seemed to have disappeared. He moved forwards, placing his lips on Dean’s fingers and clenching his eyes shut, fighting back the soft that rested on the back of his throat. He moved back with a sniff.

Dean’s fingers curled around Castiel’s hand when he began to set the other man’s hand down. Castiel snapped his head towards him, and saw green eyes looking back at him. Castiel’s heart was hammering in his chest, his breath leaving him.

“Dean? Dean, don’t move,” Castiel said, beginning to stand. Dean didn’t react other than squeezing Castiel’s hand tighter. Castiel saw his throat moving in an odd way, but he made no noise. Castiel didn’t know what to do- Dean just wouldn’t let go. Finally, he pried the fingers off, promising to be back, and the sliding doors opened as he yelled for a doctor or a nurse or _anyone_. Adam snapped awake as Castiel rushed back inside. Dean’s hand was limply rising from the bed. He looked panicked, sweat trickling down his face, the heart monitor going off. He sounded like he was choking. Someone’s hands were on Castiel’s shoulders, pulling him out of the way and briskly making him exit the room before they disappeared. He turned and saw Sam and Lisa running towards him, looking worried.

“What happened?” Sam and Adam asked at the same time, trying to see around the mob of people surrounding Dean in the room,

“He- his eyes opened. He grabbed my hand,” Castiel told them, feeling disbelief run through him. Dean had woken up. They hadn’t even been sure if he would, and now he had less than twelve hours since he had fallen into the coma. How rare was this? Castiel couldn’t find a fuck to give about how rare it was- he was just grateful that Dean was awake.

“Did he seem okay? Was it like he was in pain?” Lisa asked desperately. Castiel shook his head.

“I- I don’t know. He wasn’t… doing anything. He just wanted my hand. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I don’t know,” he said, looking at Lisa with wide and terrified eyes. “I wish I knew.”

“But he was awake, right?” Adam asked.

“Yes. He was.” Sam released a large breath, hand moving to cover his eyes as he stepped back, tears streaming down his face. He was breathing heavily, supporting his weight on a counter. Concerned, Castiel stepped forwards, but Adam was already there, holding an arm around his brother, trying to get him to look at him.

“Hey, Sam. It’s okay, he’s awake. Sam, he’ll be fine. Just fine,” Adam said, hugging his brother close. Within moments, Sam had composed himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said, repeating the two words in an endless. “I just- he’s _awake_. Thank God. Thank God.”

“You’re okay. He’s okay,” Adam said, looking at Castiel with concern, but avoiding Lisa’s face at all costs. Castiel looked over to find her wringing her hands, staring at Dean’s room with nothing short of guilt.

“Lisa?” Castiel asked, touching her elbow. She jumped. “Are you all right?” She just shook her head.

“You know,” she sniffled, “I thought you’d hate me the most.” Castiel’s brow creased.

“Hate you? Why?” he asked,

“For what I did,” she breathed.

“Oh.”

“I mean, I- I took him away from you, and I lied to _everyone_ , but you… I’m sorry, Castiel. So sorry,” she said, breaking her gaze of Dean’s bedroom to look back at the man. Castiel’s expression softened.

“I forgive you,” he told her. She looked shocked.

“How?” she whispered.

“What you did to Dean is unforgivable. But I understand. And Lisa… I truly don’t hate you. You’ve lost so much. Forgiveness is all I can offer you right now.” Her face went slack. All of the tension, the guilt that had been etched into her features dissipated and she looked… calm. She let out two choppy breaths, taking her hands and running them across her face before brushing them through her hair. She nodded towards him, a watery smile on her face.

“Thank you,” she breathed. “Thank you.” They turned back to look into the room once more, and soon Castiel felt Adam and Sam join them.

A doctor left the room, pulling off a pair of latex gloves and standing before the small group of people.

“What happened?” Sam finally asked.

“Mr. Winchester woke briefly. We’ve removed the breathing tubes, but oxygen through the nose is necessary for an indefinite amount of time. He’s fallen asleep, but is no longer in a comatose state. The fever in dangerously high, and while it has risen his body temperature dramatically, it’s bringing in more complications than the hypothermia. We’ll be administering mire medication soon, and he’ll remain in the ICU for a while longer.”

“Thank you,” Adam told him, looking from the doctor to Dean in his bed.

“He’ll need another operation to remove the extracorporeal membrane oxygenation tubes inside of his lungs. An MRI is necessary to check the status of his organs, and we would also like to scan for brain function.”

“But will he be okay?” Castiel found himself asking. The doctor looked grim.

“It’s too early to tell.” Castiel nodded, biting his lip as he glanced in at Dean.

“If anything changes, please tell us,” Sam said earnestly.

“Of course,” the doctor replied, stepping away from the group. A nurse approached them.

“Two at a time,” she said firmly, looking at Sam with a stern expression. He sighed.

“Yes, ma’am,” he grumbled. She nodded and walked away too. Sam and Adam went in first, leaving Lisa and Castiel outside. They stood in silence, but there was no heavy awkwardness and definitely no discontent. Eventually, the brothers left. Sam nodded at Castiel and Lisa, and they stepped in the room. Castiel knew he should leave soon. He should really leave soon. But he didn’t want to. He sat down in a chair across from Lisa, immediately taking Dean’s hand in his own. He began to reach forwards to stroke a hair from Dean’s face, but stopped himself. He wasn’t the spouse here. He was just a friend. Lisa caught Castiel pulling his arm back and smiled at him.

“You can go ahead,” she whispered. “I… I think you have more right than me.” Castiel gave her a look filled with sorrow, but she just shook her head at him. He reached forwards once more, brushing the hair aside.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” Lisa asked. Castiel didn’t moved his eyes from Dean’s face. He shook his head.

“He won’t be okay. But we’ll help him. He won’t be alone. We’ll all be here for him.”

 _All of us. Even me_ , Castiel thought to himself.

 _Especially me, Dean. I promise_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might as well say it, I've been holding off for a while- you can find me on my piece of shit blog on Tumblr at fab-unicorn-slippers.tumblr.com. Come visit me if you want, I'd love to hear from you guys :D


	19. Chapter 19

After another two hours, Gabriel had returned home, Castiel assuring him he could make it home on his own, Lisa and Adam both elected to leave as well. Lisa was hesitant, but Adam demanded she go with him, that the boys must be in a state of panic that even Jody couldn’t control. Sam and Castiel were alone in the room with Dean. Sam blew out another breath, leaning back against his chair and slapping his hands against his legs.

“I need to make a call,” he said abruptly, standing and striding out of the room. Castiel watched him before turning back to Dean, jumping in his chair when he found Dean’s eyes also trained on the door. Sweat was running down his face and his breathing became heavier as he strained against his own body to sit up.

“Hey, take it easy,” Castiel told him, moving his hand forwards and placing it on Dean’s chest to restrain him. He stopped, looking at Castiel with calmer eyes than he expected. He moved his hand towards Castiel, and he took it, holding it tightly in both of his own.

“Ca-s…” he breathed, voice thick and deep.

“No, don’t speak, you’ll strain yourself.” He released a ragged breath that sounded like a strangled cough.

“H- hurts,” he mumbled, moving his head back and staring at the ceiling, breath still coming too quickly. His face was turning redder, his eyes beginning to roll in his head. Before Castiel could even get up to find someone, a nurse was coming in and hurriedly attempting to inject something in Dean’s IV. “No.”

“What?” Castiel asked, leaning close to his mouth.

“No,” he breathed.

“Stop!” Castiel told her. The nurse paused, looking at him.

“He said he doesn’t want it.” She frowned.

“Sir, it will help him sleep, take the pain away.” Dean looked panicked.

“No… sleep…” he gasped, loud enough for her to hear him. She sighed and shook her head, looking towards the ceiling.

“Fine. If you need anything, call,” she told Castiel, leaving the room with a worried look. He saw her speak briefly with a doctor, looking in their area. The doctor just shook his head. When he looked back at Dean, those eyes were piercing into him. His mouth was moving and Castiel frowned, not wanting him to strain himself.

“…happened?” he managed. Castiel blew out a breath, sitting back, Dean still clinging to his hand for dear life.

“You tried to kill yourself,” Castiel whispered, loud enough for him to hear. Dean looked back at him coldly, slightly nodding his head and then gritting his teeth in pain when the movement sent a stab through his brain. “You know? Dean, why would you do this? How could you?” He tried raising his other hand in some gesture, but could barely lift it. Dean stared at it in anger. He was silent, eyes closed. Castiel realized when the grip on his hand went slack that Dean was asleep again. There was another ten minutes of silence before Sam returned.

“Anything change?” he asked as he walked in.

“He woke briefly. He… he denied medication, and he understood that he tried to commit suicide.” Sam stared at him with a gaping mouth.

“He can talk?”

“Not… really. It’s hard. His breathing is bad.” It was like Castiel had jinxed the entire world. Dean’s eyes snapped open, his hand clutching Castiel’s in a death grip, Sam jumping to his feet and running for a doctor. Dean’s head snapped back, neck tense, mouth open and nothing but choking sounds leaving his throat. Castiel stood, hand still wrapped in Dean’s, his other hand on his chest, looking him up and down. “Hold on, Dean, just hold on, it’s okay, hold on.” The doctor entered with a second and three nurses, one of which removed Castiel from the room, Dean’s hand left flailing out, looking for anything to grab. The nurse told him to stay before running back inside. Sam was pacing, running his hands through his hair and looking frazzled.

“Fuck, I can’t do this,” he said, shaking his head and looking back in the room. Castiel stood beside him, unsure of what to say. “I can’t watch him crumble, Cas. I can’t.”

“It’s the only choice you have right now,” he murmured. Sam looked angry, then defeated.

“I know. I just hate feeling useless.”

“Where did you go?” Castiel asked after a moment.

“I made some calls. Jess, said I was fine. And… and, fuck, Cas, I called John. He deserved to know.” Castiel went ramrod straight.

“Why would you do that?”

“I’m not sure. He… we only have one dad, Cas, and he’s an asshole, but he needs to know. He needs to know his son might…”

“Did you tell him where we are?” Castiel asked calmly, focusing on Dean. Sam wouldn’t look at him. “Sam, did you?”

“I wanted him to be able to say goodbye,” he whispered. “Just in case.”

“Sam, how could you _do_ that to him!?”

“I don’t know! I wasn’t! I hoped- I don’t know. For change.”

“Sam… I’m not sure you understand how much Dean feared- _fears_ John. In University, he- he would abuse him, verbally and physically. He was terrified of our relationship, in case John found out, what he might do- and now… I don’t know how he’ll feel, Sam. I really don’t.” Sam’s face fell. He opened his mouth and closed it again.

“I’m so stupid,” he muttered, raking a hand through his hair.

“No, Sam, you’re not. Just hopeful. Hopefully this won’t go badly, though,” Castiel murmured. They both fell into a silence, watching the doctors work over Dean. Sam visibly tensed when they moved away and Dean was left in plain sight.

He was awake. There was a large tube sticking out of his throat, a machine pumping up and down beside him. Sam’s fists balled at his side when the doctor walked out.

“What the hell?” he exploded. “You _told_ me he would have that- that _thing_ out, and now- now it’s right where it used to be!” Castiel flinched at Sam’s tone, but the doctor remained in a calm manner as he turned to Sam with a heavy sigh.

“Mr. Winchester, it’s a miracle that your brother is alive, let alone conscious. I informed you that he might _eventually_ be able to remove the tube. At this point, your brother’s lungs are so weak he may end up needing a supply of oxygen for the rest of his life. So the tubes are back in his throat for now, because he _can’t_ breathe on his own; I was shocked when he could after he awoke. It was likely a small rush of adrenaline keeping him breathing, but as soon as it wore off… he can no longer do so in his weakened state.” Sam opened his mouth and then closed it, clenching his jaw tightly and lowering his head, nodding once and raising it.

“He’s still awake?”

“For now, yes.” Sam scoffed and nodded. He looked back up at the doctor.

“And what happens when Dean decides he’d rather die than have that thing breathe for him?” he asked. Castiel was surprised he remained standing. He turned to face Sam slowly, mouth hanging open.

“Sam, he wouldn’t-”

“We will make sure the tube stays in. But… Mr. Winchester, if your brother is cleared by mental health to make his own decisions, we won’t be able to stop him if he so chooses to remove the tube.”

“Isn’t there protocol for suicidal patients?” Sam snapped. The doctor sighed.

“This is a different situation, Mr. Winchester. There are patients who, suicidal or not, would choose to not have a machine keeping them alive, and if your brother decides that’s his path, we have to follow his wishes. Of course, that would be after a psychological evaluation. For the current time, his decisions are made by his wife, and since she is not present and has given us permission to proceed as we see fit, the tube remains in his throat.”

“He just woke up!” Sam yelled. “He’s hardly conscious, and you’ll let him make _that_ kind of decision!?”

“Sam,” Castiel said gently, placing a hand on his arm. Sam yanked it away, striding down the hallway before pacing back and running a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry,” he grumbled. “It’s just-” He stopped, waving his hand.

“I understand, Mr. Winchester. We’ll let you see your brother, and come to speak with him in a few moments. But please- try to remember that these decisions are not currently up to him. He’s still barely conscious, and we can keep him alive with the breathing tube. If things go well, he may never need assistance breathing, but at the current time an oxygen tank will be necessary.” Sam nodded and thanked him. He went inside, but Castiel hesitated in the doorway. His stomach was in knots and he felt ill.

“Cas? You coming?” Sam asked quietly. He nodded jerkily and walked in. Dean’s eyes followed him all the way to his seat, his chest rising and falling, but not of his own accord. He turned his gaze towards Sam when he cleared his throat. “They don’t know how long the tubes will be in.” Dean closed his eyes, a pained look crossing his face. “Can you blink once for yes, twice for no?” Dean rolled his eyes. Sam sighed. “Dean. Come on.”

 _Blink_.

“Okay. That’s good.” Sam cleared his throat, glancing at Sam and then back at Dean. “Dean, you can’t breathe without these tubes.” Dean closed his eyes, waited a moment, and opened them. He reached his hand out, eyes locking with Castiel. He took the hand in his own and Dean seemed to relax slightly. Castiel felt a knot of guilt twist in his stomach; this was not his place to be. Dean’s other hand twitched, and Sam hurriedly took it. Dean’s body visibly relaxed. Castiel took a deep breath before looking from Sam back to Dean. “You can’t fight this, okay? Don’t try and take them out. Don’t scratch at them or try and talk. You need to hang around here. Do you understand?”

 _Blink_.

“Oh thank God,” Sam breathed, running a hand through his hair before placing it on top of Dean’s. “I’m guessing you want to know what’s wrong?” A rapid fire of blinks hit Sam, and he launched into a medical spiel that Castiel wasn’t sure even he understood. “But before the MRI happens, they aren’t entirely sure about brain function. There’s nerve damage all over from the cold, which is why you can’t move. I’m so sorry this happened, Dean, I- I should’ve been here.” Dean squeezed Castiel’s hand tighter, evidently unable to do so with Sam. He blinked twice, paused, then repeated three more times until Sam finally looked back at him. He shifted his eyes to focus on Castiel, seeming to be urging him to tell Sam differently. He did just that.

“This wasn’t your fault, Sam. You need to believe me. This was no one’s… this…” He sighed. “Okay, let’s be completely honest here. This is a combination of faults. Lisa’s fault, Dean’s fault, the car driver’s fault, my fault, your fault, Ellen’s fault- hell, even John’s fault, but-”

“What exactly is my fault?” a gruff voice asked from the doorway. Castiel flinched before turning his body away from Dean, eyes travelling up from oil stained jeans to his stubble covered face.

John Winchester.

Suddenly, Castiel’s heart was beating a lot faster.

………..

**American Thanksgiving, 1992**

………..

“Dean, just bring Sam with us. It’s not like it’s a big deal,” Charlie sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. Ruby stood beside her, one arm around her waist.

“Yeah, kid’s cool,” Garth mumbled in agreement.

“Cas?” Dean asked. Castiel looked up from the book he was reading, putting the bookmark in before setting it down and standing, stretching his arms above his head and cracking his back.

“I don’t care, Dean, I like your brother, he’s a kind person.” Dean smiled widely.

“Then I guess Sammy’s tagging along.”

“I don’t understand your tradition of freezing nearly to death in the woods as a yearly celebration of a holiday filled with turkey,” Castiel grumbled, moving to grab his backpack and begin shoving warm clothes into it. Dean moved beside him, helping to throw things out, like a scarf and mitts.

He leaned in close, whispering, “Because now I can spend it with you.” Castiel felt a furious blush rise to his face as he zipped the pack closed. Dean stood, clapping his hands together. “Okay! I’ll call the little bro, get all the shit together, take Cas, and meet all you there. Charlie, Ruby- don’t fuck in the car, it’s uncivilized. Garth- just, make sure Bess brings that pie she promised.” Garth smiled and shook his head before shouldering his own backpack, patting Dean on the arm and muttering something along the lines of ‘That woman never lies about pie’. Charlie saluted Dean and dragged Ruby out by her hand. Castiel and Dean were left alone.

“I feel like we need a babysitter,” Castiel muttered. Dean shrugged.

“If we had a babysitter, I couldn’t do this,” he said, taking the other man by the shoulders and pressing their lips together. Castiel, surprised as he was, grabbed onto Dean’s shirt, tugging him closer until they needed to wall to support them and keep them from falling over. Dean moaned in the back of his throat as Castiel began to press deeper and deeper into his mouth. “Cas.” Castiel ignored the breathed word, moving his mouth to Dean’s jaw and just below his ear. Dean’s breath hitched and Castiel smile, going for the same spot again. “Cas, gotta- oh, fuck. Sammy, Cas.” Dean kissed him one last time before he flipped them around, stepping away with his hand on his chest, grinning wickedly at the other man.

“Not fair, Dean,” Castiel muttered, moving to grab his pack and stand by the door, not looking at Dean. He chuckled, picking up Castiel’s phone and dialing the familiar number to his house. As far as Castiel knew, John had a poker game every Thanksgiving, and every year Dean and Sam ditched him to go camping. This year, Dean had friends who weren’t complete jackasses, so he wanted to go with just them, and Sam had said Bobby invited them for dinner. Dean said he wasn’t sure if he could make it. Castiel knew Dean was excited to call and surprise his brother like this, especially since he hadn’t known how the group would go over another invitation.

“Sammy? Hey, pack a bag of shit, I’m coming to get you and we’re going camping. Yes, I’m serious. Bobby won’t care, it would just be Hungry Man and shitty pie. Hurry it up, Sam.” Dean hung the phone up and began dialing away before Castiel could make a comment. “Bobby? It’s Dean. Yeah, he’s coming. Thanks, Bobby, I’ll see you later!” Dean turned back to Castiel, picking up his own duffel. He crossed the room and placed a peck on the man’s cheek before opening the door and ungracefully kicking Castiel out.

“It’s my dorm,” he grumbled as he made his way down the hall. Dean just laughed at they made their way down the stairs and to the awaiting Impala. The drive to Dean’s house was short. Sam was ecstatic when they picked him up. Castiel moved to the backseat to allow the brothers to converse about Bobby and John. The rest of the ride was quiet. It was two hours to reach the camping area, and when they arrived, Garth and Bess were waiting for them in a bright orange VW van. Sam practically dove out of the car. Dean grumbled about hippy vans and Castiel grinned as he got out of the back.

“Fuckin’ hippy vans,” Dean muttered, standing beside his baby.

“How did you and Sam make it up in previous years?” Castiel asked, climbing inside and looking around the small space. Dean shrugged.

“Parked the car and hiked.”

“There’s no way that boat of a car’ll make it up that tiny road,” Garth commented as he swung himself into the driver’s seat, Bess in the passenger. Sam and Dean climbed in after Castiel, he and Dean taking the bench while Sam crammed himself into the seat opposite of it. Castiel spent the time staring out the window, a small smile on his face as he tried not to laugh while he and Dean kicked up an impromptu game of footsie that mounted into a full on foot war.

“Fuck off, Dean!” Sam yelled when his brother smashed his ankle back into his.

“Language!” Dean and Bess both snapped. Bess smiled at Dean and he winked, Castiel kicking him in the shins when he did so. Dean pouted, reaching a hand down and rubbing the shin. Castiel rolled his eyes.

Eventually, the van puttered to a stop in an open meadow where Charlie and Ruby were setting up a tent next to a small, battered car. Sam, Garth, and Bess all hopped out, but Dean grabbed Castiel’s arm and pulled him close across the small table for a moment, whispering in his ear.

“Later tonight.” Castiel’s heart was suddenly beating a whole lot faster as Dean slipped out of the car with a wink, striding over to Sam. Castiel’s mouth hung open as he watched Dean go, his breath stuttering as he scrambled out of the vehicle. They all greeted Sam warmly and helped him set up his tent. Dean and Castiel were supposed to stay in there with him, but by the end of the night, Sam long retired and Garth following in suit with Bess, Charlie and Ruby went to bed as well and left Castiel alone by the fire with Dean.

“Mind if I join?” Castiel asked, crawling around the fire and snuggling (it was really the only way to describe the action) up next to Dean, a contented sigh escaping his lips as he breathed in his scent.

“Hello to you too,” Dean murmured. Castiel chuckled, eyes focused on the fire, humming softly under his breath.

“What is that?” Dean asked quietly.

“Elvis,” Castiel murmured. “My mother loves Elvis.”

“Huh,” Dean breathed. “I can d-” Dean was cut off when a body moved from a tent, Castiel stiffening and sitting up straight in the blink of an eye, Dean caught off guard and falling onto his side.

“Fuck, Ruby,” Dean groaned, holding a hand to his shoulder as he cracked his neck and sat back up, glaring at her.

“Sorry,” she whispered, stifling a laugh as she moved to the bushes. Castiel frowned at Dean and crept forwards, probing at his shoulder. When Dean flinched, he carefully moved his hands under the hem of Dean’s shirt and lifted it up over his head. Dean tracked the movement with his eyes. Castiel moved his fingers up to Dean’s shoulder, tracing over the old scars and the freshly healed one.

“You never told me how you got these,” Castiel breathed as he moved his mouth down to kiss a trail from the scars to Dean’s collarbone and up his neck.

“No,” Dean sighed, “I didn’t.” He grabbed Castiel’s wrist, standing abruptly and bringing Castiel with him. He could see his breath around him and the sparkle in Dean’s eyes. He wouldn’t let go of Castiel’s wrist, and tugged him away from the fire, down the road and off onto a trail.

“Where are we going?” Castiel asked breathlessly. They ran down the trail, Dean’s laughter echoing around them. Castiel tripped over a root, falling onto Dean as he ran. Dean continued to laugh as he rolled over and moved on top of Castiel. His chest heaved as he leaned down and pressed his lips against Castiel’s, a hunger in the touch that made Castiel crave more as he pressed his body closer to Dean’s, craving his touch. Dean moved his hands under Castiel’s shirt and sweater, nipping and biting just under the neckline of his layers. Castiel writhed beneath him. When Dean moved his mouth further downwards, his breathed hitched.

“Dean,” he breathed. Dean lifted his shirts, and Castiel sat up. “Dean.”

“What’s wrong?” Dean whispered, eyes flashing in the moon as he moved his hands to Castiel’s belt. His fingers were cold as they began to inch downwards. Castiel’s heart was pounding and he sucked in a quick breath, stifling a moan while he threw his head back.

“No, Dean, I’m- I don’t think I’m ready,” he found himself saying. He put his head to his chest, shoulders slumped and eyes cast downwards. Dean moved away, sitting up slowly. Castiel looked away. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Dean insisted, resting his hand on Castiel’s own. “I’ll never force you into anything you don’t want. Never, Cas. Never. When you’re ready, I’m here. If you’re never ready, well, I’m still here.” Castiel’s eyes widened. He opened his mouth and closed it, frowning slightly. He moved forwards, pressing a kiss to Dean’s lips. Dean smiled into it. He stood, reaching his hand down and helping Castiel up.

“I wish… I wish I were ready for more, but… but not right now,” Castiel murmured, eyes still downcast. Dean forced his head up, looking into his eyes.

“You can initiate whatever you want, Cas. We can make out for hours and I’ll be happy, I promise. It doesn’t have to go further.” Castiel offered a small smile and nodded. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

They made their way back to camp hand in hand. Sleeping out by the fire, Castiel wished he could snuggle up to Dean for warmth.

Maybe one day he would.

……….

**February, 2006**

……….

Castiel sat with Dean while Sam and John stood outside the room, muffled voices reaching through the closed doors and large gestures. Dean, exhausted by both the effort and the fever, had fallen into a fitful sleep. His brow would furrow and his body twitch involuntarily. Castiel kept his hand beside Dean’s in case the man awoke. When he finally looked away from Dean’s face, he saw Lisa, Adam, Bobby, Jody, and the kids slowly approaching the ICU, all looking concerned.

Sam broke away from John and their argument first, smiling tiredly at Ben and Timmy. The boys had red eyes and a pale colour to them. John stormed off down the hall, hitting Bobby in the shoulder as he passed, Jody placing her hand on him before Bobby could retaliate. Adam bristled as his father passed without giving him a glance. Castiel stood quietly from Dean’s side and left the room, choosing to sit away from the kids. Jody was the one to take the boys in to see their father, telling them to be extra quiet so he didn’t wake. Immediately, the other four adults began to speak quietly while Castiel eavesdropped.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Adam hissed immediately, jerking his thumb in the direction of John. Sam sighed, running a hand down his face.

“I fucked up,” Sam admitted. “I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I thought… I thought Dean was going to die, I still do, in the back of my mind… John deserved to know. I didn’t think he’d come…” Bobby shook his head.

“Sam, you’ve done some stupid shit, but this might be the dumbest,” he grumbled. Sam hung his head.

“I know, Bobby. I’m sorry.” Bobby snorted.

“Shut it, ya idgit. Just fix the damn problem, ya hear?” Sam nodded solemnly.

“I’ll keep him away from Dean.”

“Good. Now, how’s he holdin’ up?” Lisa craned her neck to look in and her hand shot to her mouth.

“The tube,” she gasped. Her eyes snapped to Sam, dark and brooding. “You didn’t call me. You chose to stay _silent_ while they put that _thing_ in Dean?”

“It’s not like I had a choice!” Sam hissed. Castiel stood from his seat, walking towards the small group.

“Dean stopped breathing,” he informed them. “His lungs are too weak at the moment, what with the fever and the neurological damage. The breathing tube is necessary and oxygen will be as well when the tube comes out.” Everyone was looking at him, then turned to look at Dean. Jody was standing behind the boys as they sat in one chair, just looking at their father.

“What are we supposed to do?” Lisa whispered. “Just watch him suffer?”

“What are you suggesting?” Adam asked, raising an eyebrow. “That we yank that tube out watch him suffocate? Are you fucking stupid?”

“No!” Lisa insisted, face turning to an expression of shock. “I just… it… I don’t know anymore! I’m just tired. I’m just… so tired.” She moved her hands to run through her hair before resting them over her face, taking a deep breath. Bobby placed his hand on her back. The man hated her for hurting Dean, but she had just lost her only daughter, and that hurt would be more than Bobby was sure he’d ever understand.

“Listen…” Sam began. “It’s going to be winter for another month or two. If… _when_ Dean gets out of here, it’s not going to be easy to care for him. The ice, the snow- getting him to physical therapy and doctor’s appointments-”

“Get to the point, boy,” Bobby muttered. Sam sighed.

“I’m just saying that if Dean was moved to California-”

“No,” Lisa interrupted, “absolutely not.” Sam ground his teeth together.

“And who will look after him here, Lisa? You? The one who ripped out his heart? Adam, you’re twenty two for God’s sake!”

“What about me and Jody?” Bobby demanded. Sam winced.

“Jody works, and you go to the garage- Bobby, it just makes sense for him to come live with me. The weather’s better and Jess is a nurse for Christ’s sake!”

“What about me?” Castiel asked quietly. All eyes were on him. He chewed on his bottom lip. “I rarely get sick and have more sick and vacation leave than would be necessary to take care of Dean. My home is near the hospital, closer than any of yours. He would be in a neutral environment with no bad memories. I have the room to entertain visitors, and he would not be separated from his children as he would be in California.” Sam opened and closed his mouth. Everyone stared at him. “What?”

“Cas… what you’re suggesting… it’s…”

“It’s nice and all,” Adam butted in, “but do you… I mean… you’re not family, and…”

“And you think I’m unsuitable to care for him due to our previous romantic relationship.” That shut Adam up pretty quick. “I assure you I would not try to take advantage of Dean while he’s incapacitated, Adam. I’m not that range of sick human being.”

“It’s not that,” Lisa piped up. She was chewing her lip. “How well do any of us even know you, Cas? What makes you better at this than us? We’re his _family_.” Sam shot her a look that shut her up pretty quick.

“I… I’m not family, but Dean trusts me. Which, and I apologize for this, is more than I can say for you at the moment, Lisa.” She closed her eyes, her expression close to that of someone who just had a weight thrown upon them they were not expecting. Namely, the weight of her guilt over all of this.

“If you can take care of him, I can take care of him,” Bobby said gruffly.

“I’m young and strong. I can lift him more easily than you, Bobby. I… it was just a suggestion. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause this kind of turmoil.” Sam shook his head.

“No, Cas, I… thank you, for suggesting it. I think… I think it’s up to Dean, to be honest.” Everyone was quiet for a moment, going over Sam’s words. “He’s conscious and can think for himself. We… we should let him decide.” That was the moment John Winchester decided to make his reappearance.

“Let me see my son,” he said immediately, staring directly at Bobby.

“No,” Sam said, John redirecting his look to him. “Dad, I shouldn’t have called. Dean needs his rest. You can’t just barge in here like this.”

“I want to talk to my son, and you aren’t going to stop me!” John yelled.

“Shut it, we’re in a hospital!” Lisa snapped, before her eyes widened and she stepped away. Castiel stood his ground as Lisa backed to the chairs, her hands restless at her sides.

“Dean can’t talk, so you should just go,” Adam muttered.

“That’s enough out of you,” John snapped. Adam flinched. “What the fuck even happened?” Castiel bristled. Did John really not know?

“We ain’t tellin’ you nothin’,” Bobby told him. John glared at the older man.

“Sam, tell me now,” John seethed. Sam sighed.

“Dean tried to kill himself.”

The ensuing argument involved John yelling horrible things about Dean, promising no one would ever hear from him again, saying that all of them were cowards and deserved the death that was coming to them, and storming out of the hospital moments before security arrived.

When Ben and Timmy finally came out of Dean’s room, they were shaken. Ben went for his mom, hugging her close. Timmy avoided people, moving to curl up in an empty chair away from the group. Castiel watched him closely. When the boy began to cry into his arms, he alerted Lisa of the problem. She left Ben with Sam and crossed the room, kneeling down and placing her hand on Timmy’s shoulder. She jumped back when he exploded at her, shrieking that this was all her fault and screaming that she wasn’t his mom. Lisa was visibly shaken as she backed away from the boy, looking around the room. Her eyes locked with Jody’s, who suggested they get a coffee, gently leading Lisa from the ICU. Bobby joined them as well as Ben. Sam gave Castiel a look, and he walked over with he and Adam.

“Hey buddy,” Adam said softly, moving to sit in the chair beside Timmy, Sam on the other side and Castiel beside Sam. “Is there anything we can do?” Timmy just shook his head. Something clicked in Castiel’s head. When he found out Timmy wasn’t truly Dean’s, he had requested to take a look in his file since he was with Castiel so much. It had said Timmy was in the system, but that the boy had been found in the middle of the woods and wouldn’t say a word about what happened. His mother, his only family, was never found.

“Timmy, what happened to your mother?” Castiel asked softly. Both Sam and Adam looked at him incredulously. Timmy looked up, tears streaming down his face and staining his glasses.

“What?” he croaked.

“What happened to your mother?” Sam took Castiel’s arm, dragging him up and away from the boy, anger in his eyes.

“Cas, you can’t just ask him that, it’s not right!” Sam hissed, switching from glaring at Castiel to casting worried glances at Timmy, who was staring at them with wide eyes.

“We were hiking.” Castiel could barely hear the voice. Sam’s head snapped towards the boy. Adam’s hand was still on his back. Slowly, the two men turned, Castiel’s face neutral while Sam struggled for the same thing. “She- got away from me. I tried to find her, but there was no trail. I… I don’t know what happened.” Timmy curled closer into himself, eyes squeezed tightly closed. “I smelled a fire. And then it was dark. When it was light again, someone found me. A police officer.” Castiel’s face fell. “I don’t want Dean to end up like mommy.” Timmy’s voice was barely audible. Adam looked up at Castiel with horror in his eyes. He crouched before Timmy, tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder.

“We won’t let that happen. I promise. Dean isn’t going anywhere.”

That was when the heart monitor began to beat erratically from Dean’s room before ending in a long and continuous beep. Castiel could feel the hope draining from his face, and when he met Timmy’s eyes, the boy only had fear and disappointment in them.


	20. Chapter 20

It was quite the impressive move, actually. Castiel managed to propel himself to his feet at the same time as turning around _and_ lurching towards Dean’s room while shouldering Sam aside. He stopped dead, heart in his throat.

Relief washed through him as he saw Dean, wide eyed and panicked. His arms were on his chest, pulling off the heart monitors with sluggish fingers, hands running across his chest and shifting needles aside, one of them lodging out and ripping down his chest, blood spurting across the blankets. Castiel was shoved aside by Sam, who rushed past him to get to the room, followed by doctors and a seemingly endless supply of nurses. Adam kept Timmy in his chair while Castiel stood, staring into the room.

A false alarm.

_A false alarm._

Castiel’s knees felt week. He sank down, hoping to get a chair and not the floor, but was disappointed. His head went into his hands as he sat there, shaking, laughter spilling from his lips while tears leaked from his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling, a smile on his face.

“Are- are you okay?” Adam asked, moving to kneel beside Castiel, a hand placed on his arm. Castiel nodded, Adam reaching out his hand and Castiel taking it, standing and looking back in at Dean.

“He’s fine. He’s… he’s okay, is all,” Castiel breathed, looking down at the floor behind Adam. Adam raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth, but Timmy called his name softly and Adam instantly turned back to the boy, Castiel forgotten. He looked back at the ceiling again before he turned and jumped, finding Sam right in front of him.

“He ripped off the heart monitor… fuck, things, whatever, I can’t fucking think. He’s… Jesus, he’ll be fine, he just panicked. Well, he might not be fine, but he’s not dying and-”

“Sam!” Castiel took him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. “Sam! Stop!”

“Sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. We’re okay, he’s okay.” They sat down again. Soon enough, Bobby and Jody arrived back with Lisa and Ben.

“Hey, we should take the kids back,” Jody said softly, looking at both Lisa and Bobby. Bobby shook his head.

“I ain’t leavin’ ‘til I know where Dean’ll go after he’s out.” Jody rolled her eyes.

“Bobby Singer! There are too many people here and I can feel the doctor’s eyes on us. We are _leaving_ and Adam is coming with us!”

“Hey-” Adam started. Jody turned on him with her finger up and Adam snapped his mouth closed.

“And Adam is coming with us. I can’t make Sam or Lisa leave, especially not Jim, but I _can_ make you leave, so _let’s go_ ,” she snapped, crouching in front of Ben, who was clinging to his mother. “Hey, sweetheart. We’re going home, now okay?”

“Mom too?” it sounded like Ben asked. Jody looked up at Lisa, who closed her eyes.

“No, baby, not right now,” Jody whispered. Ben closed his eyes, and Castiel could see tears squeezing out under his lids. Ben nodded. He always wanted to be strong, to be like Dean. Castiel assumed he didn’t know the true reason as to why Dean was here. Judging by his reaction, Timmy had overheard something he shouldn’t have, but not shared it with Ben.

“Okay.” Ben removed himself from his mother and instead held onto Jody’s hand for dear life. She looked over to Adam, who scooped Timmy into his arms. The boy had no fight left, just lay there limply. He kept his eyes on Castiel, even as he was taken from the ICU by Adam, who was following Jody and Bobby, each holding one of Ben’s hands. When they left, Castiel turned to find Sam speaking quietly with a doctor. Castiel moved towards Lisa, who was standing with her fist against her mouth and watching Dean intently.

“Lisa? Are you alright?” Castiel questioned, coming to stand beside her. Dean’s eyes were closed, his eyelids moving rapidly. Sweat was on his brow and his forehead was scrunched up, cheeks bright red and hands twitching.

“Just look at him,” she sobbed, moving her hand to gesture towards Dean. “God, it’s been a _day_ but it feels like _weeks_. How much more can we take? How much more can _he_ take?” Castiel pursed his lips.

“We just need to take it hour by hour, minute by minute. Everything… everything will play out how it’s supposed to. Just give it time.” Lisa just shook her head, looking back at Dean before looking towards the floor. Sam walked up behind the two of them, releasing a breath.

“The doctor said he would allow the three of us in at once,” he muttered. Lisa only nodded before moving into the room, sitting beside Dean. She smoothed her hand across his forehead, clearing the sweat away. He twitched and opened his eyes, scanning the room before settling on Castiel as he entered the room with Sam.

“Dean? Hey, baby,” Lisa murmured. “Shh, it’s okay. Shh.” Dean moved his hand away from her with as much force as he could muster. He wouldn’t look at her, only at Castiel. Lisa retracted her hand, moving it to join her other one in a tight fist in her lap. “I’m sorry.” Dean still refused to put his eyes on her.

“Hey, Dean,” Sam mumbled, sitting beside his brother and grabbing his hand. Castiel sat beside Sam. Dean’s other hand moved as high as it would go. Castiel shot Lisa a quick glance. She stood.

“It’s… it’s fine. Sit here. I don’t deserve him, I know.” She shifted to come over to Sam’s side while Castiel took her seat and Dean’s hand.

“Dean,” Sam said, trying to get his brother to look at him. Eventually, Dean’s eyes shifted over to Sam. “There’s a lot to do, for you, I mean. You’re going to need a lot more tests.” Sam cleared his throat. “And they, uh, they say physical therapy. Speech therapy. A lot. It’s… when you leave the, uh, the hospital, it’s going to be a lot of work. And… and I know you’re going to hate it, but… Dean, you’ll need help. A lot of help. So… we were talking about where you would stay, who would help you, and it’s- we’re leaving it up to you. We won’t make you go anywhere you don’t want… You, uh, fuck. You can stay here, in this hospital, and go home with Lisa-” Dean began a rapid fire of two blinks, each double spaced by two seconds. Lisa stood silently and left the room, her lip caught between her teeth. Sam cleared his throat. “Bobby and Cas offered too. Or… or you could come out to California with me-” Dean blinked twice. Sam sighed. “Dean, think about this. In California, there’s no snow to get through, no ice, it’s warmer, and there’s Jess, she’s a nurse, Dean, she can help…” Dean had closed his eyes. Sam ran his hand through his hair.

“I know it’s a lot. To choose, I mean, and everything that’s going on. It’s too much, I understand. But you need to decide, Dean. You really do,” Sam continued. Castiel had looked towards the door, and when he looked back, he saw that Dean was staring at him. He blinked once. Castiel’s breath caught in his throat.

“Dean, you don’t-” Dean cut him off with another blink. “But Sam’s your family, and Bobby is offering too-” Dean squeezed his hand and blinked. Sam was worrying his lip beside Dean, his head hung.

“So it’s Cas, then?” Sam asked, looking up. Dean closed his eyes for a few minutes, nostrils flared and face scrunched up. He opened them and looked at Sam, then Cas and back again. He blinked. Sam nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay. They, uh, they’re going to want a psych eval, and when you’re cleared, because you _will_ be cleared… you can make that choice. But I’ll stay as long as I can.” Sam squeezed his brother’s hand tightly between both of his own, resting his head on them.

It was the longest day Castiel had experienced. Sam got Castiel to be cleared to remain for as long as he liked. When Dean got back from his MRI, Castiel had to leave. He drove home to find Gabriel waiting for him with the dogs crowded around his feet. Gabriel stood and embraced his brother before he was entirely sure what was happening.

After a week of healing and tests, Castiel realized he had a scheduled meeting with Missouri Mosely, the kid’s social worker. Danny was still silent and Ida was feeding off of his mood, but improving every day. He had them waiting on the couch when the doorbell rang and the dogs outside. The cats were wandering, but they were unimportant. When Missouri arrived, she instantly enveloped Castiel into a hug.

“I’m sorry about that girl, sugar,” she mumbled. He returned the embrace, whispering his thanks. She moved away with a sad smile and made her way into the living room where the kids were. She sat down across from them and politely asked Castiel to leave the room so she could ask the kids her questions without interruption and with honesty. Castiel waited on the back deck with his jacket on for what felt like hours. Eventually, Missouri came out back and joined him, breathing in the fresh air.

“Selectively mute,” she said out of the blue, slightly startling Castiel.

“What?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow and turning towards her.

“Daniel has experienced too much trauma in such a short time. In nearly four years, he’s been physically scarred, watched his parents die, dragged his sister out of a car about to explode, and now his best friend has been killed. Mr. Novak, it’s a miracle the boy is still standing and has even the slightest mental capability. An honest to God miracle. With time and therapy, he may speak again, but for now… for now, his silence will continue for as long as he chooses.” Castiel watched her intently as she spoke, nodding every so often. A thought dawned on him.

“Mrs. Mosely, the father of Emma Winchester, who passed, he tried to commit suicide last week.” Her silence ensued. “He’s very gravely injured. The… the reason he made an attempt on his life is that he found out his daughter, Emma, wasn’t his biologically, just, uh, just a month after… the accident. He won’t go home with his wife. He doesn’t want to be away from his kids with his brother, in California. The only other option is a Mr. Singer, but he’s getting up there in years, and-”

“Mr. Novak, what are you trying to tell me?” Missouri asked softly.

“I offered to bring Dean into my home and help rehabilitate him. I’m taking time off of work, and he’ll be living here. Is… will the adoption agency have a problem with this?” Missouri turned to face him, looking him dead in the eyes.

“This is your problem, Mr. Novak. You care too much. You can’t help everyone. What you do, you do from the goodness inside, but Mr. Novak- is helping all these people, these kids, this Mr. Winchester- is it healing the void? Or just filling it for a short time, until it fades away and something else will need to replace it?” Castiel was silent. “I don’t mean to overstep. But I am aware of your childhood, and I think you need to take all of these factors into consideration before the final move of Mr. Winchester.”

“My father is being let out of prison in three weeks.”

The silence that hung in the air was heavy and dark.

“Do you have any intention of letting him into your personal life?”

“No! No, never.”

“And what will you do if he comes around here?”

“I won’t let him near the kids, if that’s what you’re implying.” She pursed her lips.

“Mr. Novak… This is a very big deal.”

“I’m aware. I, as well as my closest siblings, are keeping our eyes and ears out.” She sighed.

“This isn’t against your parenting skills, I hope you’re aware. We’ve been watching you three carefully, and you’ve proven to be an excellent guardian, Mr. Novak. But… this man, according to his files as well as our own is dangerous. Do we have anything to worry about?”

“I hope not.”

“Are the children in danger?” Castiel shook his head.

“I won’t be letting anything happen to them. I swear it.”

………..

Missouri left after a few more minute of discussion. The weekend passed uneventfully- Castiel spent the entirety of it with the kids, except for Sunday evening. He called Gabriel, and asked if he could drop the kids off to play with Peter and Aaron. Gabriel of course agreed, and when Castiel was sure they would be fine, he began his drive. It was dark when he pulled up to the bungalow. Stepping out of the car, Castiel hesitated before walking up the steps. Shaking his head, he finally did so, knocking lightly.

The smell of freshly baked pie hit him in the face when the door opened. Cecilia Gaines had a smile on her face when she opened the door, but it slowly slipped off when she saw Castiel.

“What do you want?” she asked coldly.

“Hello, Cecilia,” he mumbled in reply. He gestured to the door. “May I come in?” Cecilia looked behind herself, likely in the direction that Samandriel was.

“I’m not sure if that’s the best idea,” she told him.

“Please. This is important. And… and I need to see him, once a year isn’t enough when the two of you live so close.” She pursed her lips before looking into the house and back at Castiel again. Finally, she nodded, stepping aside and allowing Castiel to enter. He released a breath, stepping into the warmly lit hallway and removing his boots on the mat. Cecilia left him there, going into the living room. Castiel slipped off his coat and joined her, smiling as he saw his youngest brother.

Cecilia had been pregnant with triplets. Complications were almost guaranteed, but the death of two of them was tragic to both Cecilia and Gordon. Except that Gordon didn’t get sad, just angry. All three triplets had been boys, and he felt he had lost two ‘angels’ in the birth, blaming Cecilia. He managed to remain calm, though. That is, until the last baby was born. Samandriel. He was born not breathing, and the lack of oxygen had been too much on his body. Castiel still wasn’t entirely sure what cerebral palsy was, and he really should research it, but seeing his brother made no difference to him. Wheelchair or not, Samandriel could out the biggest smile on his face.

Cecilia told him every case of cerebral palsy was different in some way or another. It wasn’t until Samandriel was four that he couldn’t walk. He had always needed assistance, but at four the muscles could no longer support his body, no matter how much physical therapy he went through. Cecilia dedicated her life to the boy. Castiel never knew how she did it. That is, until he got Daniel and Ida. Getting them showed him her side of life; no matter how difficult a road it is, you’ll always go down it for your kids. Because they’re everything.

“Hey there Alfie,” Castiel said, kneeling down beside his brother. Samandriel grinned up at him, turning his head slightly.

“J!” he shouted happily. He had never been able to speak properly, but could say short sentences when necessary. He shortened names whenever possible, to make it easier on himself.

“Long time no see! Wow, have you grown?” Castiel asked, sitting in the chair next to him. His head bobbed up and down. “I can tell! You’re growing like a weed. You’ll be taller than Gabriel and I soon!” Samandriel laughed.

“Already Gabe!” he said gleefully. Castiel smiled, reaching forwards and ruffling his hair. Samandriel raised his hand and pushed Castiel off with a laugh.

“I’ll have to bring him with me next time, huh?” Samandriel nodded enthusiastically. “What, no? Well, I’ll just tell Gabriel he’s not welcome and-”

“J, no lying!” Samandriel commanded, rolling his eyes. His smile was warm as he looked at his brother.

“That’s right. No lying. You’re too smart for me.” Samandriel nodded- the kid was always right and Castiel wrong, no matter what the situation. Cecilia watched on from the couch, her lips curved into a soft smile. “So, Alfie- I have some kids now.” Samandriel broke into a huge grin and raised his hand, Castiel high fiving it before taking it in his own. He pulled out his phone, showing Samandriel the background picture of Danny and Ida laughing and playing with the dogs. “That’s Danny, the boy, and there’s Ida.”

“Wow,” Samandriel said, awestruck as he looked at the pictures.

“They’re your niece and nephew. I adopted them.” Castiel told him the whole truth but also a lie. They _were_ his niece and nephew- both adopted as well as biologically. But Castiel couldn’t tell him about Daniel. Not yet. He didn’t need to upset the boy.

“Pretty family,” Samandriel beamed.

“They are. They’re fantastic. You can meet them too, would you like that?” Samandriel nodded again.

“James?” Cecilia called. Castiel turned towards her. “We should head into the kitchen and get Alfie a piece of that pie I baked, hm?” Samandriel began nodding enthusiastically. Castiel smiled and released his hand, standing to go to the kitchen with Cecilia. Samandriel stayed where he was, even though he had controls to move his chair, sitting and watching a show on the television. A strange name flashed across the screen- _Supernatural_. Castiel ignored it, following Cecilia into the kitchen.

“This isn’t about pie, I’m assuming,” Castiel said, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Unfortunately, the house wasn’t entirely open concept, and getting Samandriel around could prove to be difficult, which is likely why he stayed in the living room. Cecilia sighed as she began cutting a pie that was cooling on the kitchen counter,

“No. It’s about his- your father. How long do I have?”

“Less than three weeks now.” She paused her cutting, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before she continued.

“Does he have any parental rights?” Castiel froze. He hadn’t even thought of that. Not remotely. Samandriel was the last of the minor kids. Azriel had turned eighteen just a month before, and Castiel had forgotten exactly how young Samandriel was.

“I don’t know,” was all Castiel could say. Cecilia slammed her fist on the counter.

“Well find out!” she yelled, before covering her mouth. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be taking all of this out on you. The- the not letting you in, the yelling… you’ve always been the best of them, Castiel. You always cared about us. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Cecilia, I promise you that- but I truly don’t know about any of this. Samandriel is eighteen when?”

“Next year,” she whispered. Castiel wanted to hit himself. He had missed his own brother’s birthday- _again_.

“I’m not sure what to say, what to suggest…”

“I can’t lose him, James. I won’t lose him.”

“I don’t know what Gordon will do. Maybe- maybe he’s actually changed…” She laughed.

“He’ll _never_ change. _Never_. He manipulated, me James- _Castiel_. He- he gave me broken dreams. He gave me deceit and _lies_. He’ll never change.” Castiel lowered his head, not looking at her.

“I _am_ sorry, Cecilia. I am.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s _his_. I forget sometimes that you’re just a baby. I forget that no matter what my Alfie goes through, it will be nothing compared to what happened to you.” Castiel bristled.

“I don’t need your pity,” he spat.

“That’s not wh-”

“It’s what _everyone_ means!” he yelled. “And I’m _sick to death of it_! I don’t _need your pity_. I’m _done_ with pity, and poor Castiel, I’m _done_ , Cecilia. I wish you the best, and I would love to visit again. I’m going to say goodbye Samandriel and I’m going to leave. You know how to reach me.” He turned away, going back to the living room.

“J!” Samandriel exclaimed, lighting up when he saw his brother. Castiel leaned down for a hug, Samandriel moving as far forwards as he could and moving his arms to wrap around Castiel.

“It’s so good seeing you, Alfie,” he mumbled, removing himself from the hug and crouching in front of his youngest sibling. “I have to go, I need to get my kids. But I’ll be back soon- I promise,” Castiel told him with a smile. Samandriel looked sad, but still grinned and nodded.

“Very soon!” he told him, reaching a hand out to take Castiel’s arm.

“I love you, buddy.” Samandriel rolled his eyes.

“I know.” With that and one final hug, Castiel left, sitting out in his car. Seeing Samandriel after his burst of anger had sapped it out of his body. Samandriel could do that with anyone.

As Castiel started the engine and headed back to Gabriel’s, a thousand thoughts were rushing through his head. Thoughts about how Danny and Ida would react to Dean, thoughts about his father, thoughts about caring for Dean- so many things could go wrong and so many things could backfire. But Samandriel was happy. He was smiling and laughing all the time. He was happy with his life. People pitied Samandriel, as people pitied Castiel- but that boy didn’t care. He just smiled. He ignored the hatred. He lived his life like it was meant to be lived; to the fullest. Visiting Samandriel, Castiel felt some of his worry begin to dissipate. He was scared for Dean. He was so afraid of the fact that he may be permanently disabled. But who cared? Being disabled didn’t mean you had less of a life, didn’t mean that you couldn’t be _happy_.

Samandriel had proved that, as had so many other people.

They weren’t brave, they weren’t courageous ‘just for waking up’. They were living life.

And whether Dean liked it or not, he too would be living life. Because he was too important not to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adding Samandriel as having cerebral palsy was not part of my original plan, or this chapter. He was supposed to be as he was in the show. That changed when I went to visit with my own cousin. He's five years old (where did the time go?) and he was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at birth. I love him to pieces. He'll never walk or talk, but he's the happiest human being I've ever met, as well as so many people with that disease. Every time I tell someone my cousin has CP, they give me 'the look' and say how sorry they are. While I admit it's unfortunate that he can't fully express himself, he's still his own person, and everyone who knows him loves him. He's kind and incredibly smart and helpful- an absolute angel. I love him just the same and always will.
> 
> I also recently watched the movie 'Starbuck' (an excellent film, if you haven't seen it) and in that movie the man discovers one of his children has cerebral palsy. I must say, it's one of my favourite representations of the disease in the media, and I cry like a baby every time I watch that movie.
> 
> The reason that I'm sharing this information with you is that there's a charity called Easter Seals. It helps kids with disabilities to get wheelchairs and the equipment they need in their lives, as well as helping older people with disabilities to have a head start in life, helping them get jobs and even live on their own. I've participated in numerous walks and events for this charity and every time I do it makes me laugh and smile- all of these volunteers and families are so fantastic to meet! It would mean so much to me and so many families out there if you guys could donate to their cause. And even if you can't, thank you for reading. Perhaps find a local charity of your own and find out how to volunteer and get involved! No matter what the cause, it's a wonderful and heartwarming experience!
> 
> http://easterseals.ca/english/
> 
> Thank you for reading both the chapter and my longish note!


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would've updated sooner but I was a little busy meeting Misha MOTHERFUCKING COLLINS. WOO. Sorry. Still freaking out over it.

Two weeks after Dean came to live with Castiel, he got a call while he was waiting for Dean to complete his physical therapy session.

“He’s out,” was all Gabriel said before there was a shout in the background and he hung up the phone. Castiel’s closed his phone, gripping it tightly in his hand and resisting throwing it across the room. He leaned over in his chair, forehead touching his knees. Sitting up, Castiel just nodded to himself, reiterating in his mind to let it be until something (if anything) happened. Castiel, feeling anxious as expected, stood and began pacing the room. Soon enough, the door to the physical therapy room opened.

Castiel stopped in the middle of the room, quickly checking his watch- there was an hour until the kids needed to be picked up. When he looked up, Dean was sitting in his wheelchair looking exhausted. Castiel smiled tentatively at him, but he just looked away, focusing on the floor.

“He did well today,” the physical therapist, Brook, told Castiel, smiling brightly with her hand on Dean’s shoulder. “We got him up on the crutch and he took three steps.” Castiel grinned down at his friend.

“Dean, that’s great,” he told him, crouching down.

“The left leg is getting much better. But his hands are still being a little difficult.” Castiel’s smile never left. When Dean had first come to his house, both legs had been nearly useless; it was too painful for him to move them, let alone stand on them. Even if it was just one leg, Castiel would take it. He knew Dean was mortified with this situation. He was used to caring for others, not needing help at all times. Castiel knew this was hurting him more than his injuries.

Dean raised his hand, shaking only slightly, and adjusted the tube that went through his nose providing him with oxygen. He still wouldn’t look at Castiel as the hand flopped back down and he struggled to put it back on the arm of the wheelchair. Castiel had learned not to intervene at these moments.

“Ready to go?” Castiel asked after saying goodbye to Brook and standing behind the wheelchair. Dean sighed.

“Yeah,” was all he said. He had stopped going to speech therapy three days before, insisting his voice was fine, his lungs just needed to get stronger and he would speak normally again. That night he had confessed to Castiel that he was terrified on the fact that he may never be the same, that he was just so tired of repeating the same sentences. He couldn’t do it anymore. Castiel encouraged him to continue with the therapy, but Dean refused. For now.

“Well now that I’ve got the newer van we can bring Ben and Timmy back home. Do you want me to call Lisa and tell her we’ll pick them up?” Dean just waved his hand. Castiel frowned, but tried his best to hide it. When they got back to the van, Dean surprised Castiel by standing on his own. He tripped forwards and Castiel steadied him, but Dean had managed to get up, a small smile on his face. Castiel helped him into the seat, stowing the oxygen tank between his legs, then moved the chair to the trunk of the van and got into the driver’s seat. He sat staring out the window for a moment, hands on the wheel.

“You okay?” Dean asked, turning to look at him. Castiel blew out a breath.

“My father’s out of jail.”

“Shit, that sucks,” Dean said, looking away and out the window.

“That it does.”

“Will you be- visiting?” Dean bit his lip and Castiel knew he had more to say, but couldn’t say it. He quickly filled the silence.

“No. He won’t even know I have the kids- or you. We’ll be safe.” Dean just nodded, looking back out the window. Castiel put the van in gear and backed out, leaving the hospital parking lot. He grabbed his phone and put it on speaker, setting it on the dash.

“Hello?” Lisa asked in a garbled voice.

“Lisa, it’s Castiel. Dean and I are going to pick the boys up tonight- if that’s all right with you.”

“Sure. Have them home for supper. Dean?” Dean tensed and shook his head.

“He fell asleep after the session again. Sorry, Lisa, it takes it right out of him.” Lisa sighed.

“If he ever wants to come home-”

“I know. I’ll tell him when he wakes. See you when I bring the kids,” Castiel said, reaching forwards and flipping the phone closed. Dean mumbled a thank you under his breath and Castiel just shook his head. “When you’re ready you’ll talk to her. I understand.” Castiel out on what he had discovered was Dean’s favourite rock station and they drove the rest of the way in silence, Dean slowly opening and closing his fingers from a fist, Castiel glancing from Dean to the road.

Sam had left a week before. He missed quite a bit of work, but said it wasn’t a problem. Now it was just Dean and Adam again. Adam visited every night, and Castiel assumed the man would be over to pick the kids up before Castiel could think of driving them so he could see his brother. Bobby called every night, but only visited once the week before. Ellen also called bear constantly for updates. She showed up unexpectedly the first day Dean came home and gave him his first bath home. She showed up every night afterwards to do the same. She later told Castiel that Dean would have never been able to look Castiel in the eye again. Castiel thanked her, but insisted he could handle bathing the man. Ellen had just scoffed and shown up the next day. Castiel knew she would be back again that night, and even if Dean never said so in Castiel’s presence, he was grateful.

Soon enough they arrived at the school, Castiel asking Dean if he wanted to get out. Dean shook his head and Castiel frowned, but didn’t press the issue. He found Ida and Danny easy enough, wrapping the two of them in a tight hug, and Ben and Timmy came out of the school soon after. They gave Castiel grim smiles when they saw him, and he asked them if they wanted to see their dad tonight. Ben was ecstatic, as Castiel expected, but Timmy was nervous.

Castiel and the four kids headed over to the van. Dean had his window rolled down and smiled at the kids as they approached. It was a fake smile, Castiel knew, but one that the kids wouldn’t see through. At least not immediately.

“Dad!” Ben exclaimed, running forwards. He opened the passenger door and gave his father a hug. Timmy also embraced his father, but back away quickly, unsure.

“Hey dad,” he mumbled.

“Hi guys,” Dean said, looking over the two of then, pain in his eyes. “Looking good.”

“You too dad,” Ben told him. Castiel helped Ida into her car seat while Danny slid into the very back, not speaking a word. He had his second therapy session the next day after school. Castiel was going to take Dean and Ida grocery shopping while Danny was there to give him some privacy. Danny had spoken very little in that hour, but more than he had in almost two months. Timmy and Ben got into the van too, Ben beside Danny and Timmy beside Ida. They were home after a very awkward car ride.

Castiel had moved the spare bed to the barely used formal dining room, moving the table and chairs to the basement and setting it up as a room for his friend. Castiel was incredibly grateful there was a full bath on the ground level, unlike at Dean’s home with Lisa or Bobby’s house. Castiel had even gotten a ramp for the front stairs for the wheelchair, which he now used to get Dean inside, Danny going ahead of them to pull the dogs into the living room. The three other kids followed behind quietly.

“What did you do today, dad?” Ben asked, sitting down the couch. Dean stood from his chair and Ben grinned. He took two shaky steps and nearly collapsed onto the couch, Castiel behind him with outstretched arms the entire time. Dean cursed under his breath, but the rest of the group told him he was doing great. The rest except for Danny, who had disappeared upstairs.

“More leg stuff,” Dean told him, settling into the couch. “Walked with the- a crutch.” Timmy sat on the other side of Dean. Castiel and Ida took up the loveseat, letting the small family have a moment to themselves.

“Can you braid my hair, dad?” Ida asked, moving to sit on Castiel’s lap. Castiel smiled down at her, his heart swelling when she called him ‘dad’ like it did every time the word left her mouth. He would never be over that.

“’Course I can, cutie,” Castiel said, moving her so her legs were aligned with his. He began running her hair through her fingers, looking up across the room at Dean after a moment. He found the other man following the movements of his hands, his mouth occasionally moving to speak with his sons. Castiel’s heartbeat picked up at the unending stare. Was he aware he was doing it? Castiel shook his own head to clear his thoughts, focusing on the task at hand. When he had finished with the (if he does say so himself) best French braid ever, he saw that Dean had fully turned his attention back to the boys.

Ida soon went upstairs to try and convince her brother to join them downstairs. She looked defeated when she came back down without him.

“It’s okay,” Castiel whispered in her ear. “He’ll come down when he’s ready.” Danny had been spending a lot of time alone since Dean came to stay. Castiel knew it was hard on the boy that every day he had to see his dead best friend’s father. He was beginning to think it was too much for him. He was beginning to wonder if Dean should stay somewhere else. He was beginning to wonder what all of this was for.

Soon enough, a knock came on the door. Castiel checked his watch as he headed to the door- 4:30, Adam’s usual pick up time for the kids. He entered the house looking grim, shaking Castiel’s hand before swiftly entering the living room. Ben and Timmy both groaned at the sight of their uncle and Adam rolled his eyes.

“I’m not _that_ bad looking, am I?” he teased. Dean chuckled.

“Looking ugly from here,” he told him, voice strained. Adam smiled at his brother.

“Says the guy in a plaid shirt.” Dean just shook his head, a smile still on his lips. “Okay guys, ready to head out?” Ben and Timmy opened their mouths to complain, but Dean gave them a stern look.

“I’ll be better soon. Promise.” Both boys hugged their father one final time, Ben lingering. They left, still grumbling, Adam clapping Dean on the shoulder and glancing at him with a worried look. Castiel closed the door and rested against it, feeling exhausted. Before he had even a moment to himself, Ida bounded into the hall and pulled him back to the living room.

“I wanna make spaghooti for dinner!” she announced.

“Spaghooti, huh?” Castiel asked, and she nodded enthusiastically. Castiel glanced at Dean. “Maybe Dean can help you get started if you take him to the kitchen. I’ll get Danny.” Dean glared at him from the couch.

“Yeah, that would be fun!” Ida exclaimed. Castiel helped Dean to his feet and then the chair, Ida going behind him and pushing all her weight against the chair to get it moved to the kitchen, Castiel chuckling at the pair of them as Dean moved his arms to help. He moved to the stairs, climbing up them quickly and rapping on Danny’s door with his knuckles.

“Danny? I’m coming in.” He cracked the door open and found Danny sitting on the bed with Xavier laying his torso over his legs, Danny absently scratching the dog’s ears. Castiel squeezed in beside him, wrapping an arm around the boy’s shoulder. He was sweating, but he was always sweating- Castiel had learned that he never wore anything but long sleeves, no matter what the weather. Luckily there were few scars on his face. Those that were there were, unfortunately, rather obvious, but compared to his arms and chest, his face was nothing. Castiel sighed. No matter how many scars his body had, his mind would always have more, and that was something that would haunt Castiel’s dreams.

“Ida is downstairs about to burn the house down. Maybe you want to come and mash some stuff? I have beef in the fridge, you could beat the shit out of it.” Danny’s head turned towards his uncle when he swore. Castiel rarely did so in front of the kids. “Yes, I do mean beat the ever loving shit out of it. It’ll be fun.” Danny seemed wary, but he slid out from under Xavier and crossed the room with Castiel, the dog on his heels. Lately, the two of them had been inseparable other than school. Xavy was Danny’s safe place, and he wished the boy could bring the dog with him.

“The guest of honour has arrived!” Castiel announced when Danny came in. Ida was standing on a chair at the counter, her shirt covered in spaghetti sauce, fistfuls of uncooked pasta in her hands. Dean sat in his chair and shrugged at Castiel, parmesan cheese spilled across his lap and floor, stray noodle bits in his too long hair. Castiel looked at Danny with a start when the boy burst out laughing. He was soon on the floor holding his stomach, tears in his eyes. The rest of them joined in, Ida nearly falling out of her chair. Castiel scooped her up and got covered in sauce. Before he knew it, there was a food fight happened, Dean managing to sabotage Castiel when he took cover behind the chair by dumping the tray of uncooked beef behind himself.

“Oh really?” he asked, springing up with the mounds of meat on his head. He went in front of the chair and shook his head, getting the beef all over Dean’s shirt and some stray pieces on Danny, who was throwing pasta at his sister. Laughter spilled from all of their mouths, and for a brief moment, Castiel could imagine this being his life forever.

………..

They ordered a pizza. There was no way the pasta was going to be saved. After dinner, Castiel realized Ellen wouldn’t be there for a few more hours and Dean _really_ needed a bath. “Danny?” he called to his nephew. Ida had already been bathed and put in pyjamas; they were watching something on the Discovery Channel- how it’s made or something along those lines. “I need to give Dean a bath, can you watch your sister?” Danny hesitated before nodding, turning back to the TV. Dean gave him a panicked look, opening his mouth, but no words coming out for a few moments.

“I can wait,” he insisted. Castiel shook his head.

“Dean, you have parmesan where no one should have parmesan. You need to get cleaned up.” Dean worried his bottom lip between his teeth before he squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. “I won’t look if I don’t have too. It’s not like I’ve never bathed anyone before, Dean.”

“It’s… weird. Sorry. Just…” He sighed, shaking his head. “Get it over with.” Castiel nodded, wheeling him back to the dining room and past there into the office Castiel never used, which he supposed could be a fifth bedroom, especially since there was a bathroom off of it. Castiel felt like hitting himself- why hadn’t he had Dean stay in here? Why was he only now wondering this? Castiel wheeled Dean into the small bathroom, starting the water running in the tub. Dean looked antsy by the door. Castiel approached him slowly.

“It’s fine, Dean. Really.” Dean nodded, closing his eyes before he opened them. He reached his hands up, wincing when one wrist bent, trying to get the oxygen tube out of his nose and over his head. Castiel gently helped it the rest of the way off, laying it on the floor and stopping the flow of oxygen from the tank. Dean looked away when he unbuttoned his flannel, taking it off before the black t shirt underneath.

“Cas, stop,” he said. Castiel froze with his hands on Dean’s belt, heartbeat quickening. “Can’t- breathe-” Castiel hurriedly grabbed the tube, gently placing it back in Dean’s nose and turning on the oxygen. Dean nodded at him. “Thanks.” Castiel swallowed harshly, trying desperately and unsuccessfully to calm his erratic heartbeat. He shook out his hands before he reached down, undoing Dean’s belt and pulling his jeans down, wiping stray cheese from his lap and his chest. He moved to his head next, settling Dean’s hands as he took chunks of meat he had missed from his hair.

“Okay,” Castiel said, standing up. He took off his own shoes, setting them on the counter. He took his shirt off too, knowing he’d get splashed one way or another. “Do you want those off?” Castiel asked, clearing his throat and gesturing to Dean’s boxers.

“I don’t… know…” Dean said, frowning.

“How about we just leave them on for now?” Dean nodded jerkily. Castiel helped Dean to his feet, putting his arm around his torso as he limped towards the near full tub. Castiel helped him sit carefully. How Ellen had done this when he could barely move, Castiel may never know. Castiel grabbed the soap and began washing Dean’s upper body.

“This is so awkward,” he mumbled. Castiel chuckled.

“Could be worse.” The rest went on in silence. Dean never took his boxers off while in the tub. When the water was all drained, though, Castiel had to pull the water logged shorts off. He quickly threw a towel over him before drying him with another, helping him stand afterwards. There was a supply of pyjamas in the cupboard and Castiel dressed Dean carefully. When he was back in the chair with the oxygen on, his face was burning red.

“Sorry, Cas,” Dean muttered as he was wheeled out. Castiel shook his head.

“Don’t apologize.”

………..

A half an hour before bedtime, they were sitting in front of the TV, Castiel reading a book, when the doorbell rang. Castiel opened the door and was surprised later when he hadn’t thrown up, screamed or done a combination of both.

Gordon Novak was staring at him from the doorway.


	22. Chapter 22

……….

**August 20 th, 1972**

………..

“Gabriel, meet your new brother,” Maria said, holding the soft blue bundle in her arms. Gordon hefted the small boy onto the side of the bed while Anna stood on her other side. Gabriel peered at the wrinkled face in the blankets, quiet for one of the first times Maria could remember.

“What’s his name?” Anna asked, gently stroking the new child’s hair. Maria looked at Gordon.

“James,” she said, smiling softly. Gordon’s face turned hard. Maria frowned at him, but looked back down at the boy, her tired grin soon returning. They got the birth certificate later that day, and Maria was furious when she saw the name.

_Castiel James Novak_

“Gordon, I said his name was James,” she whispered harshly, not wanting to wake up the infant or his sleeping siblings. Gordon just shrugged.

“James is in there, ain’t it?” Maria opened her mouth before closing it, pursing her lips. She looked down at the baby with his curly brown locks, running her fingers softly down his face.

“Castiel,” she whispered, a small smile on her face. “I think I like it.”

………..

**March 25 th, 2006**

………..

Castiel fell backwards, crashing into the small table he kept in the front hallway for keys. His breathing was rapid as he lunged forwards, struggling to get the door closed. After a moment, he realized there was a boot in the way. He also noticed that he was yelling and that the kids were watching from the doorway.

“ _You can’t be here! You can’t be! Get out! GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!_ ”

“Castiel! Castiel, I’m your father, _let me in_!” Gordon yelled, his voice full of command. Castiel’s eyes widened and his hands went to his hair as he backed away from the door, pulling at it with his eyes squeezed shut. One hand went to his stomach, where the near faded scar was, a constant reminder of his father. His back ached with the memory of the maiming of his shoulders. When Castiel opened his eyes, Gordon was _there_ he was _in his house_ he was _near his kids_.

“GET OUT!” Castiel shouted, rage filling his voice. Gordon didn’t even flinch. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NEVER COME BACK!”

“ _Castiel_! Calm down!”

“GET OUT!” Castiel turned and saw the kids in the doorway. He hurriedly moved towards them, shooing them into the living room and then the kitchen. When he came out, Dean was standing, looking incredibly concerned.

“Is he-” Dean stopped when he saw the look in Castiel’s eye. “Breathe. Call Gabriel. _Breathe_.” Castiel began sucking in gasping breaths, hand on his throat, eyes wide and staring. Dean got himself into his chair, which Castiel would have been very impressed by if he wasn’t having a 10/10 panic attack. Dean dropped the phone in Castiel’s hand, nodding his head. He reached his hand over, running his fingers over Castiel’s arm. “Call Gabriel.” Castiel managed to dial the buttons, throwing the phone to his ear.

“He’s here,” he said, hanging up the phone and rushing back to the hallway. The dogs were outside and Castiel wished they weren’t. The phone rang behind him and he ignored it. “You need to leave. Now.” Gordon turned towards him, away from the pictures Castiel had on the walls. There were ones from family gatherings as well as ones with just his family- himself and Gabriel, Maria and the twins, Danny and Ida at Christmas, Danny and Emma in the Impala, Ida on Castiel’s shoulders.

“Castiel, I came to make amends.” He could feel himself shaking.

“You need to get out before I call the police.” Gordon scoffed.

“You wouldn’t dare. Now, are you going to introduce me to my grandchildren?” Castiel clenched his jaw tightly.

“No. Get. Out.” Gordon moved towards him and Castiel flinched back.

“Let me see those kids, Castiel. And your wife, I know you’re hiding her. Not a faggot after all, huh?” Gordon said, barking out a laugh. Castiel tensed.

“Get out of my house,” he said, blocking the way to the living room.

“Let me through, Castiel.”

“No.” Gordon stepped up to his son and Castiel tried to control his breathing. His mind was screaming at him, telling him PROTECTPROTECTPROTECT but also RUNRUNRUN. He didn’t know which to listen to and he wanted to scream.

“Let me through.” The phone rang again and Castiel stepped back, swiping it off the table before resuming his position in front of his father.

“Cassie, I called the cops, they’re coming, I’m coming, just hold on-”

“Gabriel?” Gordon asked, swiping the phone from Castiel, who stumbled backwards at the contact between their hands.

“Listen here, you sick fuck, get out of my brother’s house or so help me-”

“Control your tongue, Gabriel. I’m not here to hurt anyone. I’ve changed. You too shall see that in time.” Castiel could practically hear the steam leaving Gabriel’s head.

“Get the _fuck_ away from him!” Castiel heard Gabriel yell. Gordon clicked the phone off, moving into the living room. His eyes zeroed in on Dean. Castiel stepped in front of the chair automatically.

“Get out of here,” Castiel told him once more.

“Who the fuck is that?” Gordon demanded. Dean shifted uncomfortably.

“I said get out.”

“What, is he your boyfriend, Castiel?”

“Get out.”

“I knew it. Ever since you were a boy. I knew it.”

“Get. Out.”

“Dad?” he heard, seeing Ida move into the room. Danny wordlessly entered behind her, picking her up and moving her back into the kitchen. She made a whimpering noise from her brother’s arms, but didn’t fight him. Gordon’s face softened when he saw the kids.

“Please, Castiel. Just a moment with them.” Castiel grit his teeth.

“If you don’t get out of my house I will _make_ you get out of my house.” Gordon stepped up to his son so that they were practically nose to nose.

“Will you, Castiel? Will you?” Castiel shoved him back towards the front hall.

“Go!” he yelled. “Get out and never come back!” Gordon chuckled, moving forwards again.

“Come on, Castiel. What happened when you were a boy- that’s all in the past. Why can’t you see it as such? Why can’t you open your heart? I’m a changed man, Castiel.” Castiel found that his hands had again moved to his hair, his chin on his chest as he struggled to breathe, to think, to do anything. When he looked up again, Gordon was advancing to the kitchen and Dean was kicking him in the shin.

“Get away from them!” Castiel screamed, lurching forwards and grabbing his father by the shoulder of his shirt. Gordon turned around and pushed Castiel back, who instantly crumpled, falling to the ground, arms around his knees. It wasn’t a hard blow, not by any means, but he could hardly handle anything else at this point. Gordon laughed.

“Don’t attack me, Castiel, I’m in my constitutional right here.” Castiel shakily got back to his feet.

“Stay away from them.” In that moment, there was a knock on the door. It opened and revealed two police officers, advancing into the room with their guns drawn. Gordon didn’t move, but Castiel raised his hands, backing away and towards Danny and Ida.

“Castiel Novak?” one of the officers asked.

“That’s me,” he said.

“A Gabriel Novak called us and informed us of a break and enter.” Castiel nodded his head towards Gordon, lowering his arms.

“My father. He forced his way into my home.” The officers holstered their guns. They moved towards Gordon, who also raised his hands.

“Gentlemen, this is a simple misunderstanding. I was just visiting my son and when he opened the door, I assumed I was welcome. It won’t happen again, I assure you.”

“That’s not what happened,” Dean piped up from behind them, eyes set on Gordon. “He beat him. When he- was a kid. Burst in here. Just released- jail.” His voice was strained as he spoke, but Castiel could hear the anger behind his words. “Scared the kids.”

“Daddy?” Ida again. She scampered out of the kitchen and behind Castiel. Gordon followed Danny with his gaze the whole time, who watched him back with wary, cautious eyes. Castiel picked Ida up, pulling her close, and wrapping another arm around Danny’s shoulders. The boy still remained silent.

“Sir, we’re going to take you with us for further questioning. Especially if you’re on parole-”

“I am, but gentlemen, this is really just a mis-”

“Sir, please turn around so we can place the cuffs on you.” With a murderous glare towards Castiel, Gordon turned his body. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law…” Castiel held the kids close as Gordon left, grip too tight he knew, but he needed to be certain they were _there_.

“Cas?” Dean asked. He shook his head, slowly sinking onto the loveseat and keeping his arms around the kids, pulling them with him.

“Dad?” Ida asked, face pressed against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Danny?” Dean said. The boy turned towards him. “Take Ida to bed, ‘kay?” Danny nodded, gently moving out of Castiel’s grip and taking Ida with him. As soon as they left the room, Castiel felt sobs leaving his chest, everything hurting and spinning. He didn’t know how it happened, but Dean was there, arms around him. Castiel turned into him, burying his face in Dean’s chest, not knowing when the tears had started. He was shaking and on the verge of hysterics.

“He was _here_. Why was he _here_?”

“Don’t know,” Dean murmured into his hair. “You’re safe. Got you, Cas. Got you.”

…………

A week later, Gordon hadn’t come back. Yet. Castiel lived in a constant fear. Fear for himself, his siblings, his mother- for anyone who had ever known that… _monster_. Dean insisted that while he was at his physical therapy Castiel go to a therapist. He had at first looked down on the idea, but the more it felt like his mind was killing him from the inside out, the better of an idea it seemed. So twice a week, he sat in an office with a man named Chuck and told him about his problems. Told him about his fears and worries and everything he was terrified of. In turn, Chuck gave him exercises for his breathing during attacks, and told him he would like Castiel to file a restraining order for his sanity as well as his protection.

On the ninth day since Gordon had entered his home, Castiel saw Dean leave his wheelchair behind and go out of the hospital on a crutch. Brook had insisted he take the chair, saying he wasn’t strong enough to walk all the time, but Dean was a stubborn jackass and nothing would keep him confined to that chair if he didn’t have to be. After five, nearly six, long weeks of daily exercises and muscle work, Dean was on his feet. The battle wasn’t even half over yet. He couldn’t bathe alone and he would need continued physical therapy for at least half a year, but it was a start. A big start. As they got into the van that day, Dean seemed genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. They sat in the van in silence for a few minutes, Castiel not turning it on quite yet.

“Don’t shoot this idea down immediately.”

“Worrying me, Cas,” Dean grumbled, shifting to face him.

“My therapy sessions are going well, and I think you should go to your own.”

“Not broken, Cas.”

“No, but you’re hurting, Dean. So much has happened to you, and bottling it up is going to be the death of you.” Dean was quiet. “Just… think about it, okay?” He turned on the engine and went to pick up Danny and Ida, the mood feeling ruined after the joyful turn it had seemingly miraculously taken.

Ellen came by that night to help Dean again. Castiel hadn’t had to bathe him after that one night, and he hoped that things were fine between them. The awkwardness was always there, but seemed to be taking a backseat as of late. That night, after the kids were asleep and Dean was hobbling his way to his makeshift room, Dean asked Castiel to stay for a moment.

“Do you need something?” he asked, edging his way back into the room from the hallway, where he had been standing, ready to turn the light off and go to his own bed.

“To talk,” Dean said, hands fiddling uselessly with the sheets. Castiel walked forwards, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. Dean blew out a loud breath, not looking at Castiel. “I’m so mad. At everything. She’s gone. She was- wasn’t mine. Never knew. It hurts, Cas. Want- it to stop. Hurting.” Castiel moved his hand, setting it over Dean’s.

“Blood doesn’t matter, Dean. You raised her. You loved her, you changed her diapers, you gave up your life for her- if that doesn’t make her yours to love, then I don’t know what does. She loved you more than anything, you know that’s true. She was your daughter in every way that counted.” Dean was quiet for a moment, biting his lip and not making eye contact.

“I just miss her so much.”

“Me too.”

“Can’t forgive myself.”

“For what, Dean?”

“I wasn’t there,” he breathed. “I was with Lisa- on the phone. Didn’t pick her up. I failed, Cas. I lost her.”

“Oh, Dean, no. It was _not_ your fault. It was no one’s fault, it was a freak accident-”

“I know. Everything. But I can’t stop. Blaming myself, all the time.”

“It hurts. I know it hurts. But you have to believe me- _it was not your fault_.” Dean finally looked back at him, nodding absently.

“Not my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t. I… Thank you. For talking to me about this.”

“I want her back.”

“I know.”

“I wish…”

“I know.”

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“Goodnight.” Castiel gave him a small smile. He stood, reaching to smooth the hair from Dean’s forehead and pressing his lips there. He turned and flipped off the light, whispering a hushed goodnight back to Dean.

………..

Two weeks later Castiel got a frantic phone call from Gabriel.

“Gabe, I can’t understand you, slow down!” he instructed.

“Cas, it’s Kali, please, God, hurry, we’re at Avera Heart.” Castiel looked at Dean with distress in his eyes and Dean waved his hand.

“Go. I’ll call Adam. He can bring the boys, we can have a visit. Gabriel needs you, just hurry.” Castiel stepped forwards to do what he was unsure, but stopped himself, nodding towards his friend and saying goodbye to the kids before hurrying outside to the car.

In those two weeks, Dean had only become stronger, and Castiel had discovered there was no evidence to hold Gordon or press charges; he couldn’t be tried for coming into the house when Castiel opened the door, and Castiel didn’t have the strength to go through a trial for assault.

In the car he pushed all of those thoughts aside as he drove as quickly as he could to the hospital without being pulled over. He got out his phone after parking and dialed Gabriel’s number.

“Where are you?” he asked, walking briskly to the building, grateful that in the April air he didn’t need a jacket.

When Gabriel said he was in the maternity ward Castiel paused in front of the doors. “Gabe?” he asked quietly.

“Room 225.” Gabriel hung up. Castiel headed for the elevators. When he got upstairs, he was greeted by the screams of women in labour.

“I’m looking for room 225,” he informed the nurse at the desk. She pointed down the hallway and Castiel jogged down, eyes peeled on the numbers. He saw Danielle outside, tears on her cheeks, Peter and Aaron snuggled up to her. She didn’t say a word to Castiel. He burst in the door, Anna turning towards him and standing from a chair beside an unconscious Kali. “Where’s Gabe?”

“I don’t know, he was just here,” she whispered. Castiel looked around the room, trying to figure out what was going on. Anna spoke before he could ask. “She went into labour. If you can call it that. It… it was bad, she was screaming when Gabe called, begged us to come. Castiel… the baby…” Castiel raised a hand to his mouth, shaking his head.

“No,” he breathed.

“I don’t know what happened. She had an emergency C-section.”

“Excuse me?” a nurse asked, popping her head in the doorway. “Is there a… Case Tile in here?”

“That’s me,” he responded instantly.

“Your brother asked me to find you.” Castiel turned back to Anna.

“Go,” she said, “if Kali wakes up she’ll need someone.” Castiel rested his hand on Anna’s shoulder before leaving the room with the nurse, who led him down to the NICU. Inside, Gabriel was near the back of the room, a gown over his clothes and his forehead resting against a covered baby cradle. Castiel donned a gown himself and crossed the room carefully, trying his best not to jostle any of the babies or their parents.

“Gabe?” he asked, laying a hand on his brother’s arm. Gabriel didn’t move, just kept looking down.

“If I look away he might stop breathing,” Gabriel whispered. Castiel wrapped an arm around his brother, focusing his gaze downwards. Inside was the tiniest human he had ever seen. It looked like the child could fit in his hand- he probably could. Castiel moved a hand to his mouth, looking from Gabriel and back down.

“Gabe-”

“He’s made is an hour and twenty seven minutes. If he just- just keeps going, one minute at a time, maybe he’ll make it, right?”

“Gabe-”

“Kali didn’t want to know the sex. But it’s a boy. He’s… he’s so small. She wanted to name him Caleb. I wanted Martin, mostly just to piss her off, y’know? But I really like Caleb. I think he looks like a Caleb. Don’t you?” Gabriel looked at Castiel briefly before his eyes flashed back down.

“Caleb is a great name.”

“Caleb Henry Novak. Sounds nice, right? I think the Henry would be good, Kali’s brother was a Henry, she always liked it.”

“Gabriel-”

“And we haven’t set the nursery up yet, but that’s okay, he could always sleep with us for a while or even use a basket.”

“Mr. Novak?” a woman’s voice asked. Castiel turned around to see a smiling doctor with a teddy bear on her coat.

“Would you like to hold him?” she asked, gesturing to the cradle. Gabriel blanched, looking from his new son to the doctor.

“I- am I allowed to?” he asked quietly.

“Of course. Here, I’ll get him out.” The doctor moved past them, opening up the clear plastic lid. Gabriel grabbed onto his brother’s arm as she carefully lifted the tiny baby, making sure not to jostle the wires and needles. Gabriel moved his arms to cradle the child, coughing out what sounded like a laugh, a grin on his face, tears in his eyes. Castiel quickly took out his phone from his pocket under the gown, taking a picture of Gabriel and Caleb.

“Hey little buddy,” Gabriel breathed. “It’s dad. You know, that guy who got you a lot of chocolate bars and pizza covered in pudding. Lemme tell you, you’ve got some weird taste, kid.” Castiel chuckled at his brother’s words. “You’re mom’s gonna love you. We all do, already. You’re a little early to the party, but that’s okay.” After a moment, the doctor took him away, placing him back in his little oxygen area, but only after Castiel got to hold him.

He was born after being in the womb for only twenty one weeks.

He died two hours and forty six minutes after he was born.

………..

Gabriel cried. Kali couldn’t. When she woke up she wouldn’t talk, just sat with Peter and Aaron, smiling while they played with toys. Anna and Danielle stayed, but Castiel needed to get home to his kids. As he sat in the driveway, looking in the front window, he saw Dean and Adam watching as the kids run around, Adam jumping up at one point and grabbing Ida, lifting her into the air. She pointed at the window, at Castiel’s car, and they all started waving. Castiel felt a small smile go onto his lips as he left the driver’s seat, entering the house and being bombarded by four kids and two dogs.

He picked Ida up, walking into the living room. Dean flashed him a look and he knew that he knew. Perhaps he didn’t know the exact details, that the baby had died, but he knew something had happened and that something was bad. They had already had dinner, leftovers in the fridge for Castiel, and the kids had been about to go to sleep, Ben and Timmy spending the night. Adam bid his farewells, leaving the house.

The kids were out in an hour.

Castiel thumped down the stairs with his head in his hands, sinking down onto the couch. Dean was beside him after a moment, crutch on the ground. His speech had come along remarkably well, he only faltered on a few words anymore. The oxygen was still necessary, but Dean was getting used to it. His arms were almost completely healed of their damage, his left leg still a problem.

He rested an arm across Castiel’s shoulders. Castiel began to cry as he leaned into Dean, hugging him around the waist. Dean didn’t ask a thing, just sat beside him quietly and ran his fingers through his hair.

When Castiel awoke it was dark. He had a blanket over his body, but his head was still on Dean’s chest.

“Dean?” he asked, voice sounding too loud in the darkness.

“Yeah?” Dean answered.

“How did you deal with Emma’s death?” His question left the air thick and uncomfortable, hanging between the two of them.

“I don’t think I have yet.” After a moment, he asked, “Why?” Such a simple question with such a long answer.

“Kali had the baby.”

“No.”

“He lived almost three hours. I held him.”

“Cas… I… How’s Kali doing?”

“She shut down,” he whispered. “I don’t know what she’ll do.”

“Fuck, Cas, I’m so-”

“Don’t,” Castiel whispered. “He wasn’t even mine. It’s… it’s nothing, compared to what you went through. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“That’s bullshit, Cas,” Dean snapped, quickly lowering his voice so as not to wake the children. “Don’t erase your pain because it’s not as bad as someone else’s. What happened to Emma- it’s not that bad compared to a father losing all of his kids and his wife, too, right? But that doesn’t make it less painful. Don’t push this inside. It hurts, so don’t… don’t shove it down. Trust me.”

Castiel wasn’t aware that his lips were on Dean’s until they weren’t.

“Oh God. Dean, I’m so-” He was cut off by another kiss.

“Don’t apologize anymore,” Dean breathed against his mouth. “You’re okay. I promise.” Castiel moved his head to Dean’s shoulder, nodding it as best he could, arms still wrapped around the other man’s midsection.

“We’re so fucked up,” Castiel mumbled into the cloth of his shirt. Dean breathed out a laugh.

“I know we are.” Castiel raised his head, looking blearily at Dean.

“What are we doing, Dean?”

“Living,” he responded.

“I’m tired of pretending to be your friend.” Dean stiffened slightly. “I’m tired of pretending I didn’t… I didn’t want more the second I heard your voice again. I’m too tired for all of this.” Dean’s body relaxed and his arms squeezed around Castiel.

“Me too,” Dean breathed into his ear. “Me too.”

………..

They decided the next morning not to further their relationship. They both knew what they wanted, even needed. But with all of the _shit_ , just the piles and piles of shit in their lives, there was no way either of them were ready. One day they would open that door, that much seemed certain, but that day was in the future.

Right now, they were both just too tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all choppy, I know, but I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I kept on track with Gordon the whole time. I assure you he'll come back, though.
> 
> So... the end is near. I know, the tears are real for me too, but hey, good news! The last chapter will be an epilogue, and I'm going to have one (possibly two) more fics that are timestamps to this one.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God this is late! Sorry guys! Lemme know what you think in the comments!

That July, Dean was told he would no longer need the oxygen tank. Castiel wanted to cry when Dean left the hospital with a grin on his face, taking careful steps with his cane. The day after Ida’s birthday in June, Dean had been cleared for desk work at the garage. But he just couldn’t go back in. So, Bobby would come by the house and drop the work off once a week, picking up whatever Dean had gotten done and taking it back with him.

Dean and Castiel had both been attending therapy, as well as Danny, only Ida left out. Dean was frustrated by it, while Castiel was helped.

Danny still would not speak.

When Dean and Castiel pulled back into their home, Castiel shut off the car, and when Dean tried to get out, he placed a hand on his shoulder, not looking at him.

“Hey, what is it?” Dean asked. Castiel’s eyes shifted around the vehicle, trying to land anywhere but Dean’s face.

“You don’t need me anymore, Dean,” Castiel whispered, eyes finally settling on Dean’s. His face went blank.

“Oh. I… I, uh, I guess I don’t.”

“What does that mean?” Castiel asked in a hushed tone. Dean’s hand instinctively rubbed at the back of his neck.

“I dunno Cas. What… what do you want it to mean?” Before Castiel could answer, the front door opened and Gabriel was striding across the lawn, Peter and Aaron in the doorway with Danny and Ida.

“Stop ass fucking in the car and get inside, we got a party to get on with!” Gabriel yelled, waving his arms in front of the car.

“Party?” Dean asked, brows pulling together. “What party?” Castiel blushed at that.

“I thought a celebration of your health would be nice,” he mumbled. Gabriel opened Dean’s door, grabbing his arm and pulling him out of the car, Castiel following in suit as Gabe dragged Dean up the stairs. While he still relied on a cane, he was definitely much improved. Castiel stood in the driveway for a moment, pondering that thought. Less than six months ago Dean had tried to kill himself, and now… now he was walking into a party celebrating his good fortunes. Now, he was seeing a therapist and trying to push past these things. He didn’t leave the room when Emma was spoken of. He didn’t get teary eyed when he saw his sons. He could sit in his car and not have an emotional breakdown. He had come a long, long way.

So many good things were happening that they almost outweighed the bad. Almost. While thinking of how well Dean was doing, Castiel’s mind also brought forth Caleb. It had been a long three months since the baby died, and Gabe and Kali weren’t in a good place. Every time Gabriel called, he expected the word ‘divorce’ to come out of his mouth.

“Hey,” he heard someone saying, jumping when there was a hand on his arm. “Why don’t you come on inside, Cas?” Charlie asked, smiling fondly at him. Castiel smiled back, and the two of them walked inside. As he stepped in the house, he was greeted by a screaming Ida, who had turned six the month before and would still not take off her birthday crown. He scooped her into his arms before he was pawed at by Xavy and Seph, patting each on the head. Vera was strutting around the living room, demanding to be pet and loved.

As Castiel looked around the living room, he could feel his heart swell.

Dean was on the couch next to Adam and Timmy, Ben sitting on his lap. Charlie was still beside Dean while Gilda was talking with Kali, Gabriel in the corner playing with Peter, Aaron and Danny. Bobby and Jody were on the loveseat, Henriksen, Rufus, Jo and Ellen all crowded in a corner near them. And across the room at the table was Lisa, sitting alone and watching the room with a soft smile.

Castiel wasn’t entirely sure how this many people were shoved into his tiny living room, but he was glad they were, and it looked like Dean was too. Castiel smiled at him as he set Ida down, letting her run to join her brother. Charlie patted his arm and headed over to sit with her partner. At his feet, Xavy whined to be let out, Castiel wading through the crowd to the kitchen to oblige him. When he came back out, he took a seat next to Lisa, who seemed surprised.

“This is unexpected,” she murmured, looking down at the can of pop she clutched between her hands.

“How are you, Lisa?” Castiel asked with earnest. She sighed.

“I’m getting by. It… it’s just hard, you know?” Looking out into the room, Castiel found they were both watching Dean. He let out a breath and nodded.

“Yes, I do. How were Ben’s last few months of school? I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see them.”

“Terrible, as you’d expect. He’s… not taking any of this well. Timmy’s shut down completely, but at least when he did it he poured all of his anger into his schoolwork. Ben… he just crumbled.” She rubbed her hands down her face and then placed them back on her thighs. “He doesn’t let his dad see it. He doesn’t want to make him anymore upset, thinks it’s his job to keep Dean happy… I just don’t know how to help him.”

“Have you ever considered a therapist for him? Danny’s been going to one, I can give you her number if you wish,” Castiel suggested.

“We talked about it, but it only upset him. I think he needs a little more time, but I’ll push for it this summer. Would it be alright if maybe I called you later on?”

“Of course. I’m always happy to help.” She gave him a tired smile.

“Thank you, Castiel.”

“It’s no problem.”

“No, really- thank you. You… you’re being kind to a woman who doesn’t deserve it.” Castiel furrowed his brow at that.

“Lisa, you made mistakes- everybody does. What you did to protect yourself as a twenty year old doesn’t define who you are for the rest of your life. You’re a good person who made a bad choice, and the sooner you can forgive yourself for that, the sooner others will too.” She looked at Castiel with wide eyes as he stood, gently taking her hand in his own before he crossed the room to speak with Gabriel. If anyone else saw her wipe tears from her eyes, they didn’t say anything.

………..

The party was a huge hit. Everyone had fun, and at the end of the night, no one stayed over, all opting to head home for the evening. The kids were asleep and the animals fed; Castiel was too tired to do much else that night, so he headed upstairs with Dean following him. Dean went into his own room, and Castiel his. He fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awoken by yelling at- he checked the clock- two in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he ran down the hall, stopping when he saw Danny outside of his own doorway, eyes wide and frightened.

“Go back to bed,” Castiel whispered, looking at Dean’s door. “It’s fine, just try to go to sleep.” Danny nodded numbly, turning and going back in his room. Castiel opened Dean’s door and closed it softly, crossing the room to find Dean thrashing about, muttering things under his breath before letting out incomprehensible words. “Dean!” Castiel yelled. “Dean!” He grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him until his eyes flashed open. Dean grabbed desperately at the air before he got a hold of Castiel’s shirt, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Cas, fuck, fuck, fuck!” Castiel sat down beside him, gently running his fingers through Dean’s hair.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. There’s nothing to fear, I promise.” After a few more moments, Dean stopped shaking and finally let go of Castiel. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Dean mumbled, voice thick with tears.

“You probably should,” Castiel replied. Dean sighed.

“Yeah. I know.” They were plunged into a silence, Castiel slowly running his fingers through Dean’s hair and muttering soothing words. “Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“I don’t think I can sleep.”

“Do you want to go downstairs?” Castiel asked, sitting up and Dean doing the same.

“Yeah,” was his short response. Castiel handed him his cane, and the two made their way to the living room. They sat on the couch, the quiet almost loud between them. Castiel shifted on the couch before standing and moving wordlessly into the kitchen. He started up the coffee maker, deciding that if he was going to end up pulling an all-nighter he might as well do it right. As Castiel began to leave the kitchen, mugs in hand, he saw a box out of the corner of his eye; it said _Emma_ on the top. No one had touched it since Dean had come here. Going back to the living room, giving Dean his coffee before setting his own down and heading back into the kitchen, reemerging with the box in his eyes. Dean’s eyes flashed with panic.

“I figure we might as well,” Castiel told him with a shrug.

“I don’t want to, Cas.”

“Well I do,” he said, sitting down and placing the box on his lap, opening it and reaching inside. Dean began to stand, presumably to leave, but Castiel placed a hand on his arm, keeping him on the couch. “No. This needs to happen. We either look at it, or we throw it out,” Castiel told him. Dean sunk back, not speaking, just nodding. Castiel carefully pulled out a book that read ‘Photos’ on the front. Dean snorted.

“I got her that for her twelfth birthday; she was pissed that it was pink.” Castiel chuckled, opening it up. He was greeted with the most ridiculous pictures he had ever seen- Dean and Emma making silly faces; Lisa with pasta down her shirt, laughing; Timmy and Ben in the middle of a mud wrestle and then afterwards; Emma in the front seat of the Impala giving the camera a peace sign. The last one was all of them together, likely on Christmas; Dean, Lisa, Emma, Ben, Timmy, Adam, Sam, Jess, Andrew and James, all sitting around on Christmas morning. When Castiel looked over at Dean, he was grinning, but there were tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay, Dean?” he asked. Dean just nodded.

“Yeah. Uh, yeah. She kept telling me she needed another album, and I told her to wait for her birthday- guess that didn’t work out, huh?” Castiel pursed his lips at that. He set the album aside and next pulled out a stuffed bear. Dean let out a surprised breath at that. “I can’t believe Lisa would let that out of her sight.”

“Why?” Castiel asked, carefully passing it to Dean, who hugged the bear close, smelling the top of its head and closing his eyes.

“I gave it to her the day she was born. She didn’t let it out of her sight for seven years, and even then… she loved this bear.” Dean set it just beside him, straightening it beside him and gesturing for Castiel to get the next thing. He pulled out a pink iPod and Dean tried to stand again, but Castiel made him sit. “It’s too much, Cas.”

“No, it isn’t. You’re okay, Dean.”

“Please. Please don’t play it.” Castiel shook his head, standing and grabbing the dock he had on the end table that Gabriel had left two years ago and never reclaimed. “Cas, man-”

“We need to, Dean. I think you need to.” Dean closed his eyes, leaning back on the couch before he sat forwards, nodding his head.

“Okay. Okay, play it.” Castiel turned it on and hit play on the last song she had been listening to on shuffle. The end of _Hey Jude_ came out and Dean bit his fist, squeezing his eyes shut and looking away. Castiel stood next to the dock, waiting for the last twenty seconds of the song to finish.

Dean laughed outright as the next song began to play.

_Come on now shake it up baby now!_

“What’s so funny?” Castiel asked.

“She hated when this song came on. I always danced, no matter where we were, just to embarrass her.” Dean laughed again, and God did Castiel miss that sound. He reached forwards, pulling Dean to his feet.

“Show me,” he insisted. Dean laughed, shaking his head. “I want to see, Dean.” And he danced.

_Shake it up baby! Twist and shout!_

They danced with flailing limbs and goofy smiled, Castiel grabbing onto Dean and twirling him around, Dean laughing and dipping Castiel as they flung themselves around the room. As the song began to end, Dean wound down, out of breath and _smiling_. Castiel grinned back. When the next song came on, Dean just shook his head.

“She _would_ have Ramble On,” he muttered. Castiel smiled at that. They sat back down, Dean running his hands through his hair. The next song was one Castiel didn’t recognize, but Dean again laughed. “Her mother _hated_ this song- so we played it as loud as we could.”

“I’ve never heard it.”

“It’s Pink Floyd. She always hated this song, no matter what.” They continued to listen, and Dean would tell Castiel which songs he had bought and which ones he had put on without her knowing. When Für Elise came on Dean grew quiet.

“What is it?” Castiel asked, not for the first time.

“I never understood her passion for the classics. She must’ve gotten it from her mother.” Castiel stood, offering his hand to Dean, who take it and stood. Castiel placed one hand on Dean’s shoulder and kept the other with his fingers laced between Dean’s. They danced clumsily, Dean stepping on Castiel’s foot every so often and cursing. When the song wound down, they stopped but neither removed their hands from the other. Dean watched Castiel carefully, moving towards him, until his lips were against Castiel’s.

“Dean,” Castiel breathed, bringing his hand to Dean’s hair and wrapping his arm around the other man’s back, the soft sound of Beethoven still playing behind them. Dean pushed Castiel back until he was against the wall, moving his mouth to his jaw and his neck, Castiel gripping at Dean’s shirt.

“I missed you, Cas,” Dean all but growled. Castiel pushed him back, looking him up and down before he threw his body against his, pushing him down onto the couch and crawling on top of him, kissing down Dean’s face until he met his lips, pressing closer and closer to him. The kiss stopped when Dean yawned and Castiel began laughing.

“If it’s any consolation, I too am tired,” Castiel admitted, rubbing his hands over his eyes. Dean chuckled.

“Could, uh… could I stay with you tonight?” Castiel raised his eyebrows. “I mean. In your bed?”

“Of course, Dean,” he told him, the two of them standing and making their way to the stairs.

It wasn’t until they reached the bedroom that he realized Dean’s cane was downstairs.

He hadn’t needed it

……….

Castiel awoke in a panic- what the hell was next to him in bed? It took him only a few seconds of prodding the lump to hear a groan and remember _oh yeah_ it was Dean. He checked the time- it was only 5:30. Ida would be up soon. Sighing, Castiel sat up, throwing the covers off of himself.

“No,” Dean groaned.

“Yes,” Castiel told him with a sigh. “She’ll be up soon and you know that.” Dean threw a pillow at him. “You can sleep, but you need to go back to your own room if you do. The kids won’t understand this yet.” Dean sighed, sitting up and dragging a hand down his face. He looked Castiel up and down, and Castiel wasn’t sure he liked the look in Dean’s eyes. “Don’t give me that face. The last time someone gave me that face-”

“You got laid,” Dean finished, voice low and dangerous as he began to make his way across the bed. Castiel swallowed harshly, turning his body to face Dean’s.

“If this is too soon-” Dean cut him off by enacting a downright _filthy_ kiss, hands grasping at Castiel’s shirt and pulling him endlessly closer.

“I’ve done my waiting,” Dean breathed. “Fourteen years of it.”

“Sirius says twelve years,” Castiel mumbled. Dean shoved his thigh between Castiel’s legs, shutting him up pretty quickly.

“Sorry, did you lose your train of thought?” Dean asked with a glint in his eyes.

“Dick,” Castiel breathed.

“Exactly,” Dean replied, pressing Castiel down on the bed and running his mouth along his throat, under his ear, _everywhere_. Castiel was a panting mess in no time, hands grasping tightly to the fabric of Dean’s shirt and mouth making obscene noises as Dean removed his shirt.

“Naked. Now,” Castiel panted, and Dean removed his shirt before leaning back down and catching Castiel’s mouth once more, hips moving shamelessly.

Castiel was trying his best to be quiet, but he was pretty sure he was failing miserably at it.

……….

Danny was awake. Wide awake, in fact. Lying in bed with the sound of Scabbers running on his wheel, he began to hear shouting from down the hall. Concerned, he stood, quietly making his way to his uncle’s bedroom, where he heard “CAS, CAS!” coming loudly from behind the door. Frowning, Danny began to open it, before he froze.

“Oh, God,” he whispered, quickly retreating back to his room and shoving his head under the pillow. “No,” he groaned, trying to block out the sound.

It was only then he realized that he had spoken.

He really, _really_ wished he hadn’t felt the need to as he tried to drown out the sounds of his uncle having sex two doors down.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! We're nearing closer and closer to the end. There are only TWO MORE CHAPTERS before the epilogue. I'd like to take a quick moment to discuss two things.
> 
> First thing- as you all know, I'm Canadian. We don't pay for medical bills. So I forgot that Dean should have a fuckton of medical bills. Guess what? We're going to pretend this is a magical America, where things aren't stupid when it comes to being hurt, and WOOHOO NO MEDICAL BILLS mostly because there isn't time for me to add that financial angsty burden in at this point.
> 
> Second thing- my epilogue is going to be fucking long. Like. Really fucking long. I could six write different fics with how long it will be. I don't know if this is normal or not and I don't fucking care, that's just how it's going to work when it's all played out. So when we hit chapter twenty six, it's gonna be a long ass break until we hit epilogue. I have the very last page of the epilogue written. It made my friend cry (but cry with what emotion is the question). Do with that what you will.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Dean fell back on the mattress feeling fucking _fantastic_. Better than he had in weeks. Cas was next to him, panting up a storm, and when he turned towards Dean he giggled. He fucking _giggled_ and that was when Dean lost his shit, and soon they were both laughing hysterically, the sun barely up, arms over their stomachs as they lay together. As it began to die down, Cas turned towards Dean, face serious.

“I want you to stay,” he told the man. Dean felt confused.

“Stay? What do you mean stay?”

“I… I want you to stay here. With me. Living- here. Unless, of course, this is all too soon, or you want to live in your old house or rent an apartment or-” It seemed to be a growing tradition that Dean shut Castiel up with a kiss. Cas let out a laughing breath, running his hand down his face.

“I don’t want to intrude on your life, Cas,” Dean mumbled. “I’ve already caused enough shit.” Cas shook his head.

“You haven’t caused any shit, Dean. I… I really want you to stay. After everything we’ve been through… losing you now would be too hard for me.” And wasn’t that like a punch to the gut. God, it was so weird, people constantly telling him how they love him after… after what happened. He knew that it was stupid when he was in the hospital, but at the time… fuck, it had just felt _right_. And if Dean hadn’t… what would his life be like now? Would he be a drunk, hurt his kids, himself? Fuck, would he even have seen Ben or Timmy in the past months? And Cas- he wouldn’t have ever admitted to himself his… emotions. Maybe, just maybe, hitting rock bottom was what Dean had needed. Granted, he went about it in a fucking stupid way, but now was the time to move on. Not to forget, but to move forwards. Hell, he still felt like that some days- like everything is too much and he just wants it _over_ and maybe if he’s dead he can see Emma and just fucking-

But that’s why he started going to the therapist. That one day, when he was walking down the street, and wondered if walking in front of that bus would solve his problems- _that_ was the exact moment he called Cas and asked him to set up an appointment with a therapist.

Things weren’t fine and dandy. Dean still had that cane, and right then he was trying as hard as possible not to cough up half his lung. He couldn’t go back to the garage or the house, he couldn’t talk to Lisa, he could hardly focus on Ben or Timmy’s problems with all of his own. But whenever it got to be too much, whenever he wanted to just scream and yell, he reminded himself that he was _alive_. Emma wasn’t. That wasn’t _fucking fair_ , but he just sat himself down, and repeated that he was alive and healthy, and even though she wasn’t and would never be, he _was_ and he needed to be fucking grateful for that. Grateful that he could see his kids and Cas and Cas’s kids and even those fucking dogs Cas had. He just thought of the good. There was so much bad, and it seeped in, but in those moments, the good outweighed it. And it felt nice.

How long had he been in thought?

“I… I think I want to. Stay, I mean. If you don’t mind.” Cas’s grin was so huge Dean thought he might just crack his face. Dean grinned back, pressing their lips together.

“Dad-” Ida started from the door, halfway through a yawn. Dean saw her eyes widen as she looked at the two, feet firmly planted.

“Shit,” Cas breathed. Dean felt him reach under the blankets and pull on his boxers as discretely as possible before jumping out of bed and picking Ida up and carrying her out of the room. Dean suppressed a laugh as he stood, quickly pulling on his own boxers. He frowned down at the mess that was himself as well as the bed, stripping the sheets from the mattress and tossing them in the corner before turning and hopping in the shower.

He started thinking in the shower, as he usually did.

Over the course of the past weeks, one though had been weighing heavily on Dean’s mind. Hell, it was the very piece of information that had pushed him over the edge all those months ago- he wasn’t Emma’s father. But if he wasn’t, _who was_? So he had started researching. He didn’t call Lisa. He couldn’t. But he did end up calling her best friend from those days, Jane Maslik, and asked her if she remembered what Lisa did and who she was with after they broke up. Jane and Lisa had stopped talking quite a while before, so she told him she had to think on it. About two days later she called and told him she remember Lisa getting together with Gavin McCormick just a day or two after the breakup, but nothing happened. She and Lisa had been best friends and told each other everything- Jane insisted she would know if it was anyone else.

That’s how, after calling a fuckton more people, Dean found Gavin McCormick’s phone number. He was planning on calling that day. As Dean got out of the shower, he had one final thing to do before calling Gavin. He sat on the toilet lid with a towel wrapped around his waist, leg screaming at him, and dialed his own home phone number. Except it wasn’t really anymore, was it?

“Hello?” came Adam’s tired voice.

“Adam? Why are you awake?” Dean asked, suppressing a yawn.

“Could ask you the same thing,” Adam muttered.

“Cas’s kids wake up really early,” Dean said quickly, flinching when he realized it may have been _too_ quickly. He wasn’t ashamed of being with Cas. Hell, he was fucking ecstatic. Now just wasn’t the time. But Adam seemed to be stoner tired, and must’ve not noticed it.

“Yeah, Timmy woke up sobbing, and… Lisa tried to help but he wanted you. And, well, you aren’t here. So I went up.” Dean could feel his heart breaking.

“Adam I’m so sorry,” Dean whispered.

“No, Dean, I didn’t mean to-” Adam stopped, sighing.

“Look, if he needs me again, call, okay? Please call. I’d do anything. Call at two in the morning. I’ll come every time. Please, Adam.”

“I will. I will, Dean, I promise you that. Is, uh, is there any reason you’re calling at six in the morning?”

“Yeah, I need to talk to Lisa, actually.”

“Is this… about divorce papers? Or custody? Or something?” Adam asked tentatively. Dean sighed. He had filed for divorce last month, and he still needed to talk to Lisa about custody. He wanted it shared, now that he wasn’t all fucked up. He knew there was limited space at Cas’s, but maybe now if he and Cas were sharing a room the boys could share his old one…

“No,” Dean told him, “but I should mention that too. Fuck. Is she still up?”

“Yeah, I’ll grab her,” Adam said, putting the phone down. It was in that moment that Dean realized why Adam had stayed. Dean had been fucked up these months, both in the head and the bod. Adam could have left, gotten an apartment, a new job. But he _stayed_. He stayed and took over at the shop _and_ the house. When Timmy had a nightmare, Dean would go and make him feel better. It had always been the same with Ben and- and Emma. Lisa wasn’t big enough to snuggle up to, and when they were in a good place, they would joke that Dean couldn’t sing but at least people’s ears didn’t bleed when he tried. Lisa had done everything for the kids in the day, but at night, Dean was the favourite.

And Dean hadn’t been there when they needed him most.

When Timmy would be up late, seeing his sister get hit over. And over. And over. Castiel had shielded him, but it didn’t matter.

He saw.

And Lisa hadn’t even made an appointment with a child psychologist yet, which made Dean _furious_ when he found out, and hey, _there’s_ something to bring up. God, Dean fucked up big time. He should’ve known how much they would need him- no. He couldn’t do this to himself. He didn’t think about it which was shitty, but now he knows, and rather than fussing over the past, Dean could focus on the present, and _change_ rather than dwell.

“Hello?” came Lisa’s tired voice. It was the first time they had spoken since Dean was in the hospital. Dean could feel himself tensing at the sound of her voice.

“Lisa. It’s Dean,” he grated out.

“I know. Is this about custody? Because it’s too damn early-”

“No, it’s not,” Dean said, cutting her off. “Gavin McCormick. Is he the father?” Lisa was silent for a long time.

“How do you know that name?”

“Was the he the father?”

“Dean-”

“STOP FUCKING WITH ME!” he yelled, then clamped his hand over his mouth. _Shit_. The last thing he needed was Cas coming in and asking if he was alright. He sighed, rubbing the hand down his face and saying the next words in a low whisper. “Stop fucking avoiding everything. Jesus fucking Christ, Lisa, how hard is it for you to tell the fucking truth? Did you ever even _think_ of doing that _once_ in your fucking life?” She was quiet for another moment, the static in the phone the only thing between them.

“Yes,” she murmured.

“I’ll call you about custody,” Dean said, snapping his phone shut. He rubbed his hand on his leg, trying to get the tension out of it. Muttering to himself, he stood, placing the phone on the counter of the sink and brushing his teeth before realizing he had no clothes to wear. When he left the bathroom in his towel, he found his cane leaning up against the wall. Dean grasped it in his hand and made his way to the hall. When he exited the bedroom, he saw Danny coming out of his room, snapping his head towards Dean and staring with wide eyes.

 _Fuck_.

“Uh, hey,” Dean said, giving an awkward wave. “Just… y’know. Good talk.” He hurried into his room, but not before seeing the shudder that ran through Danny’s body- exactly how much did that kid know? Dean changed hurriedly before he made his way down the stairs, slow as _fuck_ , he might add, and ended up sitting next to Ida at the table while Cas flipped pancakes. Cas didn’t comment on any phone conversations he might’ve heard, which was nice. Dean just sat and talked with Ida, fussing over her hair and tickling her when he could sneak past her arms locked tightly around her stomach. Eventually Danny came downstairs, sitting beside Dean at his regular spot, Cas coming out and shoveling pancakes onto Dean’s plate while Ida cut her own up and put them into her mouth.

“Hey buddy. You want some pancakes too?” Cas asked, ruffling Danny’s hair. The boy rolled his eyes.

“Sure,” he croaked out. Everyone in the room froze and were dead silent. Ten seconds of quiet ticked by while Danny squirmed in his chair.

“Sounds good. I’ll make you two, like last week,” Cas said, breezing by and back into the kitchen like nothing had happened. Dean decided to follow his example and do the same, continuing with eating his food and sneak attacking Ida. But he saw the huge grin on the little girl’s face as she looked over at her brother, and he saw the boy’s tentative smile back.

The rest of the morning passed with ease. Danny didn’t speak again, but Dean knew this was a huge moment for him. Ida wanted to go to the park, which was a short walk from the house, and Cas said they should drive so that Dean’s lungs wouldn’t suffer, since he had only gotten the oxygen tank off the day before. Dean jut waved his hand and insisted they go- it was only a five minute walk, after all.

By the time they got there, Dean’s leg was cramped and his lungs were on fire. He practically collapsed on the bench as Cas sat beside him, Danny sitting under a tree and pulling out a book and Ida sprinting to the playground.

The walk back wasn’t much better, and Dean had to take a breather before he went back upstairs to his room to make his call. His hands were shaking as he dialed the number, and in those brief moments of ringing, Dean wondered if he should just hang up and forget the whole thi-

“Hello?”

“Oh. Uh. Hi. This is- this is Dean. Is this Gavin?”

“Yeah, that’s me.

“McCormick?”

“…Yeah?”

“Oh. Okay. Sorry to bother you. My, uh, my name’s Dean. Winchester. I went to school with you, back in college.”

“Dean Winchester… oh, yeah, I remember you. Had that nice car. You dated Lisa Braeden, right?”

“Yeah, I did. I… I have some news, man, and it’s… not… good.”

“Is it Lisa? Is she okay?”

“Lisa’s fine, don’t worry about her. Look, I don’t want… I don’t think I can tell you this over the phone. Can… would you mind if I dropped in sometime to tell you?”

“Of course. How does today work for you?” Gavin answered immediately. Dean was a little surprised at that, and wasn’t sure whether to take it as a blessing or a curse.

“Today is great. Do you still live in Vermillion?”

“Actually, no, I moved up to Sioux Falls, just on the northern outskirts.”

“Sounds good. If you give me an address, I can be there in an hour.”

“An hour would be great.” Gavin told Dean the address and he quickly wrote it down on his hand, glad he remembered to bring a pen with him. As he snapped his phone shut, he stood, wondering how much Cas was going to hate him for disappearing after the night before. He clomped his way downstairs, dodging dogs, cats and a rat as Danny chased after Scabbers, the cat running too. He found Cas in the living room, rubber boots on and a net in his hand.

“Oh, there you are. Ida wanted to go down to the creek, do you want to come?” Cas asked, gesturing to the net. Dean shook his head.

“I was actually gonna drive up to Sioux Falls today, see Bobby, maybe call Adam about taking the kids out.”

“Maybe see the old house?” Cas suggested. Dean flinched slightly before shaking his head.

“Not… not today,” he mumbled. Cas nodded.

“Well, I’m sure that will be fun. We’ll see you later. Stay safe, Dean,” Cas said, more of a warning than anything. Dean knew that even after all these months Cas was still watching him like a hawk for signs of… well, of what happened before. Dean waved them out the door, Danny reluctantly joining them as they trudged down the sidewalk, and Dean swiped the Impala keys before he thumped down the front walk, hating his cane more and more.

The drive to Gavin’s house was full of worry and pushing panic attacks at bay. Dean’s mind was going all out, screaming at him and cursing this very idea, wondering why in the hell he had chosen to do this. As he pulled into the house that must be Gavin’s according to his hand, he saw four kids sprint across the front yard around to the back wearing bathing suits and squirting water guns. There were four bikes leaning against the garage and a tricycle in the front yard.

Dean had thought he would be breaking this news to a childless man or a bachelor, not the father of God knows how many kids.

This was going to be a hell of a lot harder than originally planned.

Dean got out of the Impala, avoiding the hose that was spraying water across the driveway and a soccer ball still slowly rolling, making his way to the front door. When he knocked, it opened almost immediately, a balding blond man with dull green eyes opening it with a baby in his arms. Dean wasn’t sure what to say.

“Dean?” the man asked finally.

“Uh. Yeah.” Real intelligent, Winchester. “Sorry. Hi.”

“Come on in. Sorry about the mess. Two of the kids have friends over, I wasn’t expecting anyone,” Gavin said, gesturing with one hand for Dean to enter, shoving toys aside with his foot as he did so. Dean entered into the small hallway, Gavin closing the door behind him.

“Two of the kids?” Dean asked, looking around the house.

“There are five,” Gavin told him, leading the way into what Dean presumed was the living room. Dean kicked off his boots and followed. He watched as Gavin gently placed the baby into a sleep pen, then suddenly had a fussy toddler in his lap as he sat down, gesturing for Dean to do the same.

“Five kids. Wow,” Dean said, eyes on the small child before him.

“Yeah. Katelynn’s ten, Jason’s seven, Martin’s four, Ella’s two and Olive just turned two months,” Gavin told him, letting the squirmy toddler go so she could play with her toys. “Martin’s upstairs taking a nap, and I think you just saw Katelynn and Jason run by.” Dean chuckled as he looked down at the two year old.

“Man, I remember when mine were that small,” Dean mused.

“You have kids?” Gavin asked, sitting back against the couch, hands on his legs.

“Yeah,” Dean said quietly, avoiding his gaze. “Two boys, Ben and Timmy, and… Emma. My girl. There are, uh, two others, who are like mine but not, too.”

“I’m glad to hear that, man, congrats!”

“Thanks.”

“Are they Lisa’s?” he asked.

“Emma and Ben are. Timmy’s our foster son.”

“So you and Lisa are still together? That’s great!”

“We’re not anymore.”

“Oh. Crap. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” They lapsed into silence for a moment, Dean struggling for what to say to this man.

“You said on the phone that you had some bad news,” Gavin reiterated. Dean wouldn’t look at him.

“I do. I just don’t know how to say it.”

“Is it my wife? Is she all right? Do you work for the school? Did something happen there?”

“No, no. Nothing like that. Look… back in the day, did you and Lisa ever…” Dean moved his hands around, hoping Gavin would take the hint.

“Oh. _Oh_ ,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I… I think once. This is… awkward.”

“No! I mean… I just wanted the confirmation. Look… there’s no easy way to say this, Gavin, but I think you have a sixth kid,” Dean mumbled, clasping his hands together between his legs and flitting his eyes from Gavin to the child playing on the floor.

“What!?” Gavin sputtered, sitting up straight. “Who? When? How did you- _what_?”

“Emma. My daughter. But… I think she…” Dean couldn’t say anymore.

“Fuck. _Holy fuck_. Pardon my French, but _fuck_. How do you know? Can I meet her? We should do a blood test before this goes any further.” Dean squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, this must be awful for you. I… I can’t imagine event thinking that about one of my kids, let alone… I am so sorry.”

“No. No, I’m sorry Gavin,” Dean whispered. When he opened his eyes, he saw that Gavin was on his feet, pacing back and forth.

“Do you have a picture? Can I see her? Is that too much? I… I’m not even sure what to think,” Gavin said, running a hand through his thinning hair. A picture. Dean could do that. He pulled out his wallet and took the picture of Emma he took on her twelfth birthday as she sat in the Impala eating ice cream while she was supposed to be at school. Gavin held a hand to his mouth. “She’s beautiful, Dean. You’ve got yourself a great kid. And she is your kid. Even if… you know.”

“Gavin, I think you need to sit down.”

“Why? What is it?”

“Humour me,” Dean said, gesturing to the couch. Gavin did so, hesitant in his movements. He leaned forwards and took a small toy away from Ella, the toddler. “I don’t… I don’t even know how to say this to you. Emma’s… definitely yours. Lisa told me. It was you or me. And it wasn’t me. It’s been a thirteen year secret she kept.”

“Oh my God,” Gavin breathed. Dean could see the wheels turning in the man’s head, and he wanted to sob.

“This past January, I was supposed to take Emma to lunch. I couldn’t make it. She tried to walk to the restaurant, and there was an accident. She died at the hospital.” Gavin’s expression of shock melted. His whole face seemed to fall. Dean wanted to look away. God, did he want to. But he didn’t. Gavin opened his mouth, and then closed it again. “A month after she died, Lisa told me she wasn’t mine.” That was all Dean could seem to be able to say. It was like his throat wasn’t working anymore.

“Why are you telling me this?” Gavin choked.

“Because you deserve to know. I’m so sorry, Gavin.” He shook his head, reaching his hands up and wiping tears from his eyes.

“Why now? If you knew in February, why wait? Why tell me at all?” Gavin asked, trying to hold it together but not doing the best at it. Dean knew Gavin deserved the whole truth. Dean would have wanted the whole truth. No bullshit. So he told it.

“Because after I found out I tried to kill myself.”

Gavin’s head snapped up so fast Dean was surprised he didn’t hear a crack.

“I saw her die in the hospital. And then Lisa told me, and it was just too much. So I was stupid, and I wanted to die, which is never a good combination. But… I’m here now. And you’re here now. And I really don’t know what to say.” Gavin stood from his chair, and pulled Dean to his feet, wrapping the taller man in a hug, squeezing him tight. Dean hugged him back, not sure of what else he was really supposed to do. Gavin pulled back, and looked from Dean to Ella.

“Ella… Emma… God, it’s so close,” Gavin breathed. “Would you… do you want to play with her?” Dean froze for a moment before slowly nodding. Gavin sat on the floor, and with the support of the chair, Dean managed to get down too, stretching his bad leg out and putting the good one under it. Dean made silly faces and allowed the toddler to climb all over him, becoming a human jungle jim. Gavin pulled her off at one point, passing her a wand like toy and letting her smack him with it.

“You mentioned your wife before. Is she home?” Dean asked. Gavin shook his head.

“She went on a trip with her mother and sister for the week. She won’t be back for two days. She didn’t want to go because of the baby, but she can’t breastfeed anyways, and I told her that after two months of straight mothering… it would just be good to get out of the house.” Dean nodded.

“Yeah, I get that.”

“What was she like?”

“Emma?” Dean asked.

“Yes.”

“She was great. Kid was too smart for her own good. She loved the Beatles and reading and she always wanted to be a vet and fix up all the animals I wouldn’t let her have. She had this way with words that if you didn’t agree with her after she started talking you definitely did. She loved nature and hiking and being outside. And her family. She loved her cousins and brothers and friends. She always took in strays, I used to say, and they turned out to be her best friends.” When Dean turned his head up from playing with a Barbie, he found that Gavin was watching him and seeming to hang onto every word. That hurt. A lot. Dean got to live this life with his daughter and _know_ her, when her actual father only had Dean’s slowly fading memories to think about.

“She sounded like a great person,” Gavin said softly.

“She really was.”

Dean told Gavin about Emma until Martin woke up from his nap and the older kids came back inside. After that, Gavin shook Dean’s hand and promised he would call soon. Dean wished him luck with the kids and work, and told him to take his time with telling them. He knew it wouldn’t be easy. Dean left the picture of Emma with Gavin. He had a copy on his camera he could print out. It hurt, like he was giving up a small part of her, but it also made him feel good. Because now Gavin could remember her as clearly as Dean without ever knowing her.

As he drove home, he knew he would tell Cas where he had gone. He wasn’t ashamed in doing it or trying to hide it. He just knew that when he did it, it was something he needed to do alone, and he knew Cas would have insisted on going if Dean told him the truth. He hoped that was something that Cas would understand. Actually, he was pretty sure it was something that Cas would understand, and that made his chest feel lighter in an instant. Everything would be just fine.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got writing and couldn't stop. Shit.
> 
> Lemme just say this real quick- I FUCKING HATE NOTEPAD. My laptop doesn't have Word and I was like "Hm, how bad can notepad really be?" REALLY BAD. HORRIBLE. SPIT ON IT'S GRAVE.

A month. A whole month had passed since Dean had gone to see Gavin. Castiel had, of course, been upset at the fact that Dean would go without tell him, but at the same time he completely understood. It had been something Dean needed to do on his own, and Castiel got it, he did. But he had to admit to himself that it also pissed him off, having Dean make such a large decision on his own. Oh, well, it was all done and over with now, and there was nothing Castiel could do about it at this point. In the month that had passed, Dean and Lisa had met up with their lawyer. They had the same lawyer, which meant that Dean decided to have someone else at the firm represent him, and he and Lisa got equal custody rights of the kids. They decided that for their sake, they should tay with Lisa at the house, somewhere familiar to them and a place they calle home. But they would be with Dean on the weekends, and in the future if they wanted to stay with Dean they could, but it was up to the boys. The divorce wasn't final yet, but it was certainly in the works. The lawyers were trying to get the papers all filed and signed, and after Dean and Lisa had been separated for the appropriate amount of time, they would be allowed to legally separate.

Both Castiel and Dean were doing well. Together, they were great, and apart they were still working on their own mental and physical issues, but things were all coming along nicely. Danny had begun talking again in slow increments. The other week Castiel had heard him playing with Ida's dolls with her. Ida was ecstatic to have her brother speaking again, even if she didn't really show it when he was around so that he wouldn't feel embarrased. It was nearing the end of summer vacation, and Castiel was scheduled to be teaching third grade once again at Sioux Falls Public School. Ida was in first grade this year, and very have happy to not have to keep doing 'boring Kindergarten work', as she put it. Danny was going into eighth grade. Dean was happy for him, but Castiel knew that all he was thinking about was that Emma should be going into eighth grade too, and that Emma should be graduating alongside Danny this year. But she wasn't. And that sucked.

A lot.

Castiel tried to push those thoughts away as much as possible, though. Over the course of the last month, it had been explained to the children that Dean and Castiel were... together. More or less. They understood, and Ida was incredibly happy, because 'Dean braids hair way better than you, dad.' Danny had even laughed at that. The sad part was that it was true. They had moved Dean's things into Castiel's room, and converted the spare room into a room for Ben and Timmy to stay in, with two single beds rather than bunkbeds, just in case they actually had company that needed to spend the night. Not that Gabriel would ever complain about sleeping in a bunkbed. He and Kali were doing decently, even after the loss of Caleb, and since they were now going to couple's therapy, Castiel hoped that they would be able to work out their marriage and stay together.

Dean started going back to the garage. His leg was still too damaged for him to continue working on cars, but he was at least in the building to do the paper work and reception work if the regular girl wasn't in to do it. Adam was overjoyed to see his brother walk into the place, even if Dean's smile was forced and even if he wouldn't dare even look at the old house, let alone enter it.

Castiel found himself growing more and more stressed out. After the accident, he had been too focused on Danny to even consider his own feelings, and then Dean came along and he needed all of Castiel's attention as well. But now, Dean was back at work, and Danny went out and played with that girl that lived two streets over, Chrissy Chambers, and Castiel had too much time on his hands to think. Sure, he had to look after Ida and the dogs and the cats, as well as preparing for when the school year started up, but he also had so much mental space. Space to visualize Emma getting hit again and again and again. Space to see his hands soaked in all that red as they tried to piece her back together again in the middle of that cold road. Time to invision holding her hand desperately as they rode in that ambulance. He had time to watch it all over and over, and it was slowly killing him. He still went to the therapist, of course, and he told him all of these problems as well, but the exercises just weren't doing it for him. He told himself he needed a break, he needed to refocus his thoughts. A vacation? A family get together? He wasn't sure at that point. He just felt sick to his stomach most of the time, wanting to get these horrible images out of his head.

While Castiel was at the park with Ida, Seph held tightly in one hand and Xavy in the other, he could feel the panic coming on. He didn't get panic attacks nearly as much as he used to, but they were still common enough. Most of the time, he was around Dean, and Dean could comfort him and keep him sane when they occurred. When he was around the kids he sometimes had no choice but to ask them to call someone, or go play in their rooms. It had been a while since Castiel had a panic attack out in the open. He was looking around at this point and wondering what in the hell could have triggered him, but there were no yelling parents, no close calls by the streets- maybe this was just a good old fashioned out of the blue one. He hadn't had one of those in a while.

He distracted himself as best he could. He stood with the dogs and went over to the play structure, letting the kids pet the dogs and snuggle up to them. He played with Ida for a bit before she got bored of him and went back to the play structure. He saw Danny and Chrissy across the park, tossing a baseball, and knew that he needed to do something before he got out of control. His therapist told him not to avoid the bad things that were happening when he was having the attacks, and when they were small attacks, sure that worked- but this was going to be bad and he knew it. He could tell by the way he couldn't stop shaking. So he went over to Danny and Chrissy as fast as he could, asking Danny if he could hold the dogs and watch his sister while he just ran to make a quick phone call. Danny gave him a strange look, like he knew what was happening, but only nodded his head and took the leashes before Castiel made his way quickly across the field, trying to slow down his heartrate as well as his footsteps. He didn't want to worry anyone.

When he reached the edge of the park, he sat down with his back against a tree, trying to just breathe in and out and keep himself relatively calm. When that didn't work and his mind felt like it was full of bees, he pulled out his phone with trembling fingers. He cursed himself over and over for not being strong enough, for having to resort to another person just to keep sane, that he was weak and worthless, and it stopped him from making the call for a moment. But then the tightness was back and he just wanted to rip his skin off, so he pressed the buttons as fast as he could.

"Singer Auto, what can I do you for?" came Dean's voice, and Castiel could already feel the miniscule relaxation in his muscles.

"Dean," he grunted, and only then did he realize how far gone he was. He must look crazy, propped up against a tree with his head between his knees, one hand rooted in his hair and the other holding the phone in a death grip.

"Cas? Is that you?" he asked, voice laced with concern.

"Yes."

"Where are you?"

"We're at the park."

"Can you breathe?"

"I- yes, I can."

"Hold on a second- Henricksen, it's Cas, take over at the desk, it's an emergency." Castiel heard the squeak of a chair, footsteps, a cane, and a closing door. "Cas. Breathe with me, okay?" Dean took a large breath and blew it out, Castiel following in suit. Dean continued doing these, and while Castiel could still feel himself shaking and still feel the panic surging through his system, he could take breaths now and God if that wasn't nice. "Better?"

"I think so," Castiel whispered.

"Okay. Just keep breathing. I'm going to leave work now and come get you at the park. If it lasts for as long as it takes me to get there, I'll take you home, okay?"

"Dean-"

"Don't Dean me. It's really okay, you're more important. Just keep breathing and I'll be there soon. Okay?"

"Okay," Castiel whispered, and Dean hung up the phone. Castiel slid his own in his pocket and wrapped his arms around his knees, trying to do what Dean said and just keep breathing.

"Dad?" he heard from above him. When Castiel opened his eyes, Ida was crouching next to him, Danny and Chrissy not far behind. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, baby," he breathed, "I'm doing just fine, don't you worry about me."

"I love you, dad," she said, coming closer and snuggling up next to him, wrapping her arms around him. Castiel squeezed her tight, bringing her so close he wondered if he was hurting her. Her small fingers combed through his hair, and as he let her sit in his lap, he ran his own through hers. He opened his eyes after a moment and saw that Chrissy and Danny had given them some space. Ida sat back, but didn't stop touching him, kept one hand in his and the other in his hair, on his cheek, just touching him. He had no idea how grounding touch really was until that moment.

"I love you too, kiddo," he told her. She smiled at him, and sat next to him, picking up a dandelion fluff and blowing it towards her brother, who was watching the two of them with concern. Castiel gave him a look to indicate that he was fine, and Danny picked up his ball, showed it to Chrissy, and pointed towards the dogs. He was getting better with his speech, but in public places it was just too much. Castiel got that. Danny and Chrissy made their way back across the field as Ida and Castiel remained under a tree. "What're you thinking about?" Castiel asked, trying to distract himself from the screaming in his mind.

"I was thinking about my mom and dad," she told him. Castiel nodded. She had been doing a lot of that lately. "Would my dad be mad that I'm calling you dad now?"

"I don't think so," Castiel told her.

"Good, because I like calling you dad. And maybe if you marry Dean one day I can call him dad too."

"Maybe," Castiel replied, not mentioning to her that he and Dean couldn't marry legally in this state. Maybe one day, or they could go up to Canada, but as of now they couldn't even if it wasn't illegal; Dean was married Lisa. Plus, that would be moving a lot faster than Castiel had thought it would be.

"I think he would like that. I know Dean's sad, because of Emma, but it's okay to be happy too. Timmy calls Dean dad even though Dean isn't his dad, like I call you dad. I don't think he'd mind having another kid calling him dad."

"I don't think he would either," Castiel told her, keeping his thoughts on her voice and her tiny little hand wrapped up in his.

"Maybe one day Danny will call you guys dad. He remembers mom and dad, so I don't know if he will, but you never know, right?"

"Right."

"And you know what?" Castiel was silent and she nudged him. "You're supposed to say what."

"Oh. Right. What?"

"I think that Danny's gonna be talking a lot more soon. When school starts, he'll want to be answering questions and all that stuff, and I know he didn't with Mr. Walker, but that's just 'cause Mr. Walker is a big meanie and Danny didn't like him much anyways. I don't like him much either, but don't tell him that. Promise you won't."

"I promise, Ida."

"Good. Just because you think something about someone doesn't mean they should always know it, right?"

"Sometimes."

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Are you really okay?"

"Not right now, sweetie, no, but I will be."

"Is it because of Emma?" Castiel looked at her, surprised.

"Now why would you ask that?" he asked.

"Because I know Danny and Dean go to the fairy cyst for Emma, and Danny for mom and dad too, but I don't know why you do. Danny and Dean are sad, but you only seem sad sometimes." Man, the kid really didn't miss much.

"When I was your age," Castiel said carefully, "my father was very mean."

"Is he the bad man who came in the house when Dean was sick?"

"Yes, he is. When he was around, he would hurt me, and your uncle and aunt."

"That's not very nice. I don't think I like him."

"Me either. When you're older, I'll tell you about your grandfather, but not right now. He was- is, for all I know, a very bad man. He did bad things and went to jail for a long time because of them."

"Jail like in Monopoly?" she asked. Castiel knew at that moment that he needed to hide all the board games in the house from Dean. Immediately.

"Well, not really. It's a bad place, real jail, and my dad spent lots of time there."

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"Why do I have so many aunts and uncles?" Right when Castiel was opening his mouth to tell her that when she was older he would tell her why, a sleek black Impala rolled up to the curb. Dean got out and spotted Castiel immediately, taking out his cane and hurrying along to get over there. Castiel stood, Ida letting go of his hand. "I'm gonna go play," she said, giving Castiel a hug and running off. Castiel watched her go, and he felt an arm wrap around his waist as he did so. When he turned to face Dean, he pressed his forehead against Dean's own, the tension completely running out his body at Dean's touch.

"Hey," Dean breathed.

"Hey yourself," Castiel returned.

"Are you alright?"

"I think so."

"Should we go home?"

"Not yet, the kids are still playing," Castiel said. Dean reached down and grabbed his hand.

"Good. I want to make all the super Christian white moms uncomfortable with how cute I look with you." Castiel rolled his eyes at that, and Dean grinned, knowing he had helped Castiel's mood immensely with just one comment. They sat down on the bench together, Dean putting his arm around Castiel's shoulder and tracing small circles in his arm with the tips of his fingers. All of the tension and all of the panic were slowly leaking out of his body until Castiel was left with an overall sense of exhaustion. It wasn't his favourite feeling, but it definitely beat how he had felt a few moments ago.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Is all of this too much? You and me and everything that's happening?" Dean was quiet for a long time before he finally answered.

"I was King Douche in college. Hell, I was King Douche in high school and I was King Douche last year too. I treated you like shit. I actually don't know why you've agreed to be with me in the first place."

"Dean-"

"I'm not done yet. But in the past months, if I've learned anything, it's... it's that you need to take what you love, and you need to run with it. There's that saying if you love something, set it free. If doesn't come back, it was never yours to love. Well, you came back. And for some fucked up reason, you really do want to be with me. So who cares how fast or how slow we do this? It's been way too fucking long for me to wait. We've seen shit together, Cas. We know each other too well. And this rant is getting out of hand, I know, but I really... I really, you know, and I think you do too, and we should stop the bullshit and just fucking do this," Dean said. Castiel kissed him. In front of all the super Christian white moms and in front of all the impressionable little children. Castiel's hand was pressed up against the side of Dean's face, his other hand on his lap, and as he pulled away, there was a smile on his lips.

"Will you marry me one day, Dean Winchester?" Castiel asked, eyes pouring into his. And woah, where had THAT come from? But Dean just chuckled.

"One day I will, Castiel Novak. One day I will." Dean laced their fingers together, and as they watched the kids run around on the playground, Castiel knew everything would be okay in the end.

...........

The next day was Dean's day off, and that meant that Ben and Timmy were over. Castiel had a plan. It was a stupid ass plan, but it was a plan. He called Cecilia, and asked her what Samandriel was doing that day, and when she said they were both free all day long, he asked if he could bring some family over to visit them. Cecilia said that would be lovely, and that's how Dean, Castiel, Ida, Danny, Ben and Timmy all ended up squeezed into Castiel's van and driving into Sioux Falls. Dean's leg was bouncing the whole ride there; Castiel knew he was nervous about this, and Castiel was too- he had never brought anyone with him when he visited this particular brother before.

As they pulled into the driveway, Castiel reiterated what he had told them all before they started this journey.

"Remember, Samandriel prefers to be called Alfie, and he doesn't like loud noises. He's just like any other uncle you've ever had. Don't be afraid of him or his chair, it makes him really upset. And if Cecilia offers you food, check the bottom to make sure it isn't burnt." The last comment got some laughs from everyone, making them leave the car with genuine smiles on their faces. Cecilia opened the door wide as they approached, positively beaming as she ushered them inside, gasping and awing at Ida and Danny and how big they were and how nice it was to finally meet them in person. She greeted Dean with a handshake and introduced herself to Ben and Timmy. Soon enough, Samandriel came rolling in the room. It always made Castiel's heart swell to see his brother using the chair on his own. He had one that he could use his legs in, but it was mainly for the outdoors, as their house just wasn't big enough on the inside.

"Alfie, these are your niece and nephew, Danny and Ida. And this is Castiel's boyfriend, Dean, and his kids, Timmy and Ben." Samandriel grinned at them all, raising his hand as much as he could. Ben raised his hand in return, the rest of the kids soon following suit. Alfie gestured to the living room, and was soon moving across the floor, the four kids following him as he took them into the living room. Castiel could hear the exclamations of surprise as they entered, likely due to all the Star Wars merchandise Alfie had in there. He spent most of his time in the living room, so he decorated that rather than his bedroom. With his mother's help, of course.

"It's great to meet you Dean," Cecilia said, grinning widely and shaking his hand again.

"Likewise. Cas goes on and on about this kid, says he's like a super hero."

"In his own way, he is," Cecilia said quietly. "Can I get you anything to eat or drink?"

"No, we're fine. Thank you, though, I really do appreciate it. Tell me, how have things been relating to... my father's release?" Castiel asked as they entered the living room, Dean moving in to play with the kids while Castiel and Cecilia remained in the living room.

"He hasn't come here. Yet. I've heard from Hael that he's been making rounds, though. I... I don't want to know what he would do if he found out about Alfie and his troubles. After how furious he was about Remiel and Raziel... I don't want to imagine. I really, really don't," she said quietly, voice barely above a whisper. That hit Castiel hard. He hadn't been there for their funeral, but he didn't even want to think about how awful that must have been for Cecilia. Losing a child at birth, as Castiel had discovered through Caleb, is enough to drive anyone insane with grief. But losing two, and then having to keep your spirits up for the one that did survive- he just didn't know how she had done it.

"I hope for everyone's sake that Hael has been wrong."

"Uriel, Raphael, you, Michael, Lucifer, Beloquiel, Rachel, Naomi, Hannah- I could go on. He's been to visit so many of them, Castiel, and it's only a matter of time before he decides that Alfie is next on his list. We moved from Vermillion for a reason, but we couldn't just leave the area, not when we needed his hospital care. I... I don't know what to do. I know he'll find us."

"Is there anything I can do? You could live at my home if you wish, or perhaps I could bring the kids here?"

"Thank you for the offer, Castiel, but your house has two levels and my house has but two bedrooms. I just wish the police would take this seriously."

"I know how you feel. I should have filed for assault back when he came to my home... I haven't gotten a restraining order or anything myself. I wonder if we both should- perhaps that would show the courts how serious we are about this." Castiel looked up to see Alfie coming towards them.

"Outside?" he asked his mother. It took him a few seconds to form the word and each syllable, but he was slowly improving his speech, and it warmed Castiel's heart. Cecilia smiled.

"Sure, baby, let's go," Cecilia said, coming behind his chair and helping him through the hall. Castiel ushered Dean and the kids out behind them. As the adults sat on the front steps, the kids running down to flank Alfie and starting up an impromtu game of tag. Castiel saw as they grouped together and came up with some rules before they took off around the driveway and the street.

"Careful by the road!" Castiel yelled out, instantly feeling antsy.

"Relax," Cecilia said, "hardly anyone ever comes down here, and they all know that Alfie likes to roll along down here. They'll be fine." Castiel nodded at her words. As he leaned against the wood, Dean's hand resting on his thigh, Castiel actually felt at peace.

"This is really nice," Dean mumbled. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, laughing as they saw the four kids run around while Alfie chased them in the chair. Castiel assumed that one rule was that Alfie only had to come so close before you were 'it', since he couldn't reach ot far enough to touch them. After Castiel wasn't sure how long, Cecilia spoke again.

"I'm entering him into a home this fall," she said. Castiel turned to her, eyes wide.

"What?" he demanded.

"Don't talk to me like that, Castiel. Alfie... I've been caring for him for so long. So long. And he's so big... do you have any idea how difficult it is to get him into the bath? Into bed? I just physically can't do it, and he knows it. I hired a nurse, for a time, but it wasn't working. He needs a full care facility. I've been able to care for him, night and day, all these years surviving off of disability... I have a good job lined up, and he'll be in the best care," she said, the words flying out of her mouth as if she was trying to convince herself, not Castiel.

"Cecilia," Castiel said, reaching out and taking her hand. "I trust your decision one hundred percent. I'm sure you would only let him get the best care. As long as I can come and visit, I'd be happy no matter where he went." Cecilia's smile was one of immense relief.

"I'm so happy to hear you say that," she said, squeezing his hand. They turned back to see the kids trooping up the street, out of breath and grinning as Alfie beat them all to the driveway.

"No fair," Ben whined, "he has super fast wheels, I can't beat that!" Dean chuckled at that comment.

"Those are some pretty sick wheels," Dean said, elbowing Castiel, who rolled his eyes.

"We aren't getting you a wheelchair just so you can beat your son at races, old man." Dean rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you say, Cas." Cecilia was watching them with amusement in her eyes.

"You two are downright adorable," she said. Before Castiel could say anything, Dean wrapped an arm around his shoulder and said

"I know, right?" This time it was Castiel who rolled his eyes. As the kids came closer, the adults stood. Castiel checked his watch- it was coming up on four. They had been here for a while already, and he didn't want to wear Alfie out too much with the visit.

"We should probably head out soon," Castiel said, "maybe take the kids for some pizza, give them one last energy boost before they crash."

"I could always order out and you guys could eat here," Cecilia suggested.

"I wouldn't want to overstay our visit," Castiel hedged cautiously.

"Oh, nonsense! I haven't seen Alfie this happy in ages. Come back inside, I'll order us a deep dish to be delivered." Castiel thanked her and promised to pay for it, which she responded with 'you'd better' in a joking manner. They had come a long way in their relationship. As they all moved back inside, the kids (Dean included) settled down to watch A New Hope. Castiel wasn't really sure why Alfie was so obsessed with the movies, but he had no complaints. Ida had never seen it, and Castiel was wary of letting her watch it, but Dean assured him that if it got to be too much for her he would bring her out to Castiel. When the pizza came, Cecilia and Castiel brought it in to the marathoners, Alfie overjoyed at the prospect of greasy food. They had to pause the film for Alfie to eat and then get cleaned up, but soon it was back on. As Castiel and Cecilia headed back into the kitchen with the dirty dishes, Castiel was quite sure he saw at least three pairs of eyes drooping- Dean's included.

Cecilia and Castiel sat down at the dining room table, talking about things like where Alfie will go and how Danny is doing and what grade all the kids are going to. At point, there was a knock on the door, and Cecilia excused herself to go and answer it. Castiel got up as well, crossing into the living room and leaning against the doorframe. Ben and Ida were both on Dean's lap, eyes shut and fast asleep. Ben and Danny were up closer to the television with Alfie, completely enthralled with the movie, even if they had seen it countless times before with their father. Speaking of which, Dean had his head bent against the seats of the couch as he sprawled out across the floor, cane laying beside him and arms wrapped around the kids, eyes shut tight and mouth open. Who knew a few short hours would have tired him out that fast? Castiel jumped when he heard the front door slam, and he quickly entered the front hall to find Cecilia with her back against it, eyes wide as she turned back around to lock the door.

"He's here," she breathed, face screwed up in horror.

"Who's here?"

"Gordon."

Shit.

"What does he want?" Castiel asked, the words tumbling from his mouth much too quickly.

"I- I don't know, I just slammed the door," she whispered back fiercely.

"Go into the den with the kids. Don't tell them what's going on, and don't tell Dean- I don't want him getting anymore hurt than he already is at this point." She nodded numbly, making her way past Castiel. He could see her shaking, his own heartbeat wild in his chest as he stepped up to the door, opening it and stepping onto the porch in one fluid motion as to not allow Gordon the opportunity to enter the house.

"Castiel?" his father asked, surprised.

"Look, Gordon, I don't want a conflict-"

"Since when am I Gordon to you?"

"-but you really need to leave, Cecilia doesn't want you here."

"Oh, I see how it is, Castiel. You thought you could hook up with this pretty little number since I left. Well, she's damaged goods, son. I just want to see Samandriel. After that, I'll leave."

"No way in hell," Castiel ground out.

"I think yes way in hell. Let me in the house. I just want to see my son."

"Cecilia doesn't want you here. You need to leave."

"Like hell I do! This isn't your battle, Castiel."

"Nor is it yours! Now get out of here before I call the cops."

"Just let me see my son."

"He can't see you."

"And why not?" Gordon spat.

"He can't leave the house."

"Then let me in."

"No way is that happening."

"Then tell me why he can't leave!"

"He's sick, Gordon, he was born sick. He has a disability and he can't come out of the house right now, he's too tired."

"Oh fuck your excuses!"

"I have been nothing but calm and patient with you. But now, I'm telling you. Leave. Now." Castiel's voice was low and dangerous, and he had his hands clenched into fists to keep the shaking less visible. He was fucking terrified. He wanted to throw up over the edge of the porch and run inside and hide under a bed, like when he was kid. Every instinct he had told him to run. But then what? Let Cecilia and Samandriel suffer because of his cowardice?

"Castiel, I'm going to tell you one last time before I MAKE you let me in that house."

"Get away from here."

What was that ringing?

That was the only thought he had as he staggered down the front steps, landing in the grass.

God, it was so loud, and wouldn't SHUT UP.

What the hell was in his mouth? It tasted absolutely foul. Castiel couldn't move. He couldn't hear either, other than that REALLY fucking annoying ringing sound. He tried to sit up, but his body just wasn't cooperating right now. He was pretty sure he could hear yelling, but that might just be the ringing. What was that? It was nice, and cool, and oh so comforting...

The blackness asked to be let in, and Castiel said hell fucking yes, because maybe it would make the ringing go away.

..........

When Castiel woke up, he was on a gurney, there were flashing lights, and his head fucking HURT. He blinked blearily, finding Dean above him. No, two- three Deans. And they were all really loud, but he didn't know what they were saying, he just knew it must be important. Something in his brain must have been activated in those few seconds, because all of a sudden the words made sense.

"Cas! Cas, it's okay, I'm here. I'll meet you at the hospital. I'll be right there. It's okay. It's okay, I promise!" Hospital? Man, was Dean on crack? Castiel didn't need to go to the hospital. The black was leaking back in, but it made his head stop hurting, so he let it happen.

..........

God FUCKING dammit, who decided it was a good idea to have the brightest lights possible in the ER? Castiel felt fuzzy, but awake. When he croaked out what might have been Dean's name, the man in question snapped his head up, eyes roaming Castiel's body before meeting his eyes.

"What happened?" Castiel asked, throat rough like sandpaper.

"Hey, you're awake. Don't worry about any of that. They're taking good care of you here, and everything will be just fine, okay?"

"Okay," Castiel responded. He glanced around the room, finding four extra chairs added to the foot of his bed with four different kids asleep in them. "Call Gabe. He'll help."

"I already called Adam, he's gonna come and take them to your place and watch them until I can come home. It's okay, Cas, just rest." And man, did Dean ever make a good point. Rest sounded great right about now.

...........

The next time Castiel awoke, it was with a clear mind.

"Dean!" he called out, throat feeling dry and achy. "Where's Alfie? What happened?" Dean rubbed the sleep from his eyes, sitting up wearily and stretching. They were in a room with three other people now as opposed to the ER.

"Hey, Cas, take it easy."

"What happened?" Castiel demanded. Dean sighed, running a hand through his hair. Castiel tried to match the action, and found his fingers coming in contact with a bandage. He frowned, but that, for some reason, only made his head feel worse, and so he smoothed out his facial features once more.

"Do you remember your dad getting there?"

"Vaguely..."

"You wouldn't let him inside, is what Cecilia said, and then she said she heard a crack and the door burst open, and she called 911. He was fucking furious, man. Came barging past her, and his eyes locked on Samandriel. He looked disgusted, and he threw Cecilia against a wall when she tried to stop him. I don't... I don't think he saw me. I came up and smoked his head off the wall. He went down."

"The kids. Are the kids okay?"

"The kids are doing great, they really are. They're fine, Alfie's fine. Cecilia had a couple of scratches and bruises, but she's fine too. Your dad... They took him in the cop cars. He went against parole again, and as far as I know they're throwing him back in the slammer."

"Looks like he didn't change at all," Castiel breathed. "The whole thing was a scam."

"Yeah, pretty much. He knocked your head pretty fucking hard against the railing, and you went down like a sack of potatoes from what I can tell. Doctors want to keep you overnight just to be safe, but they're pretty sure you don't have a concussion, you're just gonna have a really bigass goose egg." Castiel nodded. Dean took a shaky breath. "Fuck, Cas- don't do that again, okay?"

"Do what?"

"Go out and think you can take care of shit all alone."

"I didn't want him to hurt you."

"So you let him hurt you?"

"What if it had been John?"

"That's different. I can handle John. John isn't a rapist or an alleged murderer." Castiel sighed.

"You have a fair point there. I guess I really fucked up."

"Yeah. But you're okay, and that's all that matters."

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I was serious yesterday."

"About what?"

"I want to marry you one day." Dean smiled, reaching out and taking Castiel's hand, smoothing his fingers over the knuckles.

"Me too, Cas. Me too."


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were fucked up. God, were they fucked up. Three abused siblings, one a single mother with emotional problems, one a trauma survivor who covered his rage and sadness with jokes and an airy temperament, and the gay one who could hardly even look at a child on a road without having a panic attack. They were fucked beyond belief. But looking around that room, Castiel saw something rare, something beautiful; he saw a family that was born out of hate and vicious intent come together, regardless of how they could have turned out, and love each other so fiercely that there was no force that could break them apart. As he looked at his brothers, at his sisters, he saw the happiness and the hope in their eyes. They were all broken, in one way or another, but they were together, and they had each other.
> 
> And that was really all that mattered, wasn’t it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! This is the last chapter! I just want to say really quickly- this is the end of this story. This story started what seems like a million years ago, in a library with a note in a book and two dumb morons who couldn't get their shit together. This has been their story, and this is where is ends. The epilogue, in my eyes, isn't really a part of THIS STORY. This epilogue, at least, is almost another story entirely. Because this fourteen year journey is over, and the epilogue is the rest of their lives.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the happy ending I promised.

It was over. Finally, it was over and done, hopefully forever. Gordon was in prison again after yet another trial. He had most certainly broken parole, and quite a few more than two times- it turns out that it was against his parole to leave state, and he did so on numerous occasions to visit his children. His initial sentence was put back on the table, and an additional ten years for harassment and assault were tacked on. Castiel assumed he would never take another free breath in his life. It made him perhaps a little too happy.

The trial had been going on for a while, what with all the witnesses that needed to take the stand, and now, two months after Castiel had been released from the hospital, things were finally looking up. School had started and he was happy to be teaching another new group of students. Ida had plenty of new friends, and Danny was talking on almost a regular basis now. Things were… they were good.

Dean was still working with Bobby at the garage. Slowly but surely, the leg was healing. He had begun working on cars once more and he came home glowing every night. Dean had talked about it with Castiel, and they invited Adam to live with them, in the room downstairs. Castiel’s basement was finished, but hardly anyone ever used it. He had been considering transforming it into a kid’s play room, where Danny and Ida could have friends stay over or where the kids could go when Ben and Timmy came on the weekends. But if Adam wanted to live down there, Castiel would love it, having another person around to help out. When there were four at once, Castiel and Dean could just barely hold onto control of them.

Adam declined for the time being. He was happy with the kids at Bobby’s old place, and he said it was less of a commute for him. Dean got that. Driving out to Bobby’s every day was really racking up the gas bill.

And that was when Castiel suggested they move.

He had known it would eventually need to happen. The house was big, but not big enough for six people, two dogs, two cats and Danny’s slowly growing animal collection. Dean had seemed surprised at that, that he thought they needed more room, and as if to prove his point, Seph rammed up against Dean’s leg. Dean rolled his eyes at the dog, and, looking back at Castiel, agreed that maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to look for a bigger house.

They found one. Ten minutes from the garage, five minutes from the school. Hell, the kids could walk now if they didn’t want to hitch a ride with Castiel. The house was gorgeous. It was a dull yellow with a stone base, a bright red door, and a yard with a big tree, the tire swing already hanging from one of the branches. It had a finished basement, which had two bedrooms and a bathroom, and the upstairs had four bedrooms and an office space. It was huge.

It needed a lot of work. As in, a _lot_ of work. But Castiel knew that if they put their minds to it they could be done in no time at all. And since it needed so much work, it was pretty cheap. Now all they needed was to sell their own house.

It was spring cleaning in the fall. Toys and books and everything you could imagine were packed up and boxed away, stored at Maria’s house until they were prepared to move. They got a realtor, got a price on the house, and the For Sale sign was up.

Of course, that was the moment that Sam didn’t have a case and was coming down with Jess and the kids for an impromptu visit. It was a four day week for the kids and Castiel, and Dean took the Friday off as well. The night before Sam and Jess were due to arrive, Gabriel called the house, and rather than sighing and ignoring the phone (Gabriel had taken to calling and just yelling fart jokes before hanging up the phone) Castiel actually answered, his mood bright and happy.

“Gabriel,” he said, putting the phone to his ear and continuing to stir the pasta in the pot. Dean was the better cook, but with Ben and Timmy here as well as Ida and Danny, Dean was on kid duty while Castiel tried not to find out if you could burn noodles.

“Why hello baby bro! Long time no chitchat! I was about to drive down if you didn’t answer.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“You know how busy I am with work and the kids, Gabriel.”

“Well I’m busy too, but you don’t see me blowing you off.”

“My apologies. What did you need?”

“Can’t a brother just call to chat?”

“You? No.”

“Touché. Listen, Cassie, I got some news- everyone’s coming down.” Castiel stopped his stirring, hand frozen in the air.

“What do you mean- _everyone_?” Castiel demanded, eyes narrowing at the stove.

“Uh, I mean _everyone_. Since you were so busy with the hot piece of ass this year, we put off the family meeting, remember? Well, I arranged it for tomorrow, ‘cause I’m the best and I know you’re off. Everyone booked it. It’s happening, baby bro.”

“Wait- _tomorrow_? Dean’s family is coming down! Gabriel, why didn’t you tell me?” Castiel snapped.

“Well maybe if you ever picked up the damn phone, you would know!” Castiel sighed.

“Just- what time? What do you need me to bring?”

“Just your pretty little self and your pretty little boy toy.”

“He’s not my… boy toy.”

“Oh ho ho, yes he certainly is. And a yummy one at that.”

“You’re married.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t look.” Castiel could feel the stress rising at the back of his neck, closing his eyes struggling to remain calm.

“Okay. Okay. Where is it, when is it?”

“It’s at the same community centre we use every year, and it starts tomorrow at noon.”

“I… shit, Gabriel, why didn’t you tell me when you first planned it?”

“Because that ruins the surprise!”

“I should’ve checked the goddam internet.”

“Yup!”

“Well… Dean’s brother and his family are coming down. I’m going to have to bring them all too.” Castiel could heard a clap on the other end and could almost see his brother rubbing his hands together.

“Perfect! I actually really want to meet them under… better circumstances.” Castiel’s eyes fluttered shut again. He had forgotten that Gabriel had attended Emma’s funeral with him. He had met them all there, and that was the only memory his brother had of the Winchesters all grown up. Shit.

“I… I didn’t even think about that Gabe.”

“It’s okay, man, don’t beat yourself up over it or anything. Just an observation of mine. Now! Get in the happy mood! Big family reunion tomorrow! Woohoo!” With that, Castiel bid his brother farewell, and turned back to the- how the FUCK had that even happened!? The dry pasta was on fire and the pot was overflowing.

“ _Fuck_!” Castiel shouted, dropping the phone and surging forwards, picking up the pot and hissing, dropping it back down, hands burned. Grumbling, he donned some mitts and made his way to the sink with the pot, setting it in and turning on the water before he put his singed hands under the spout himself. _Fuck_ , that had hurt.

“Everything okay in here?” Dean asked, stepping into the kitchen to see Castiel hunched over the sink with his hands under the spout, a string of profanities leaving his mouth.

“Fine, just… ruined dinner is all,” Castiel grumbled. Dean snorted, shaking his head. Castiel flipped him the bird.

“We can order in Chinese.” Castiel nodded, not looking at Dean. “Hey,” he said, crossing the room. Dean still needed the cane, but opted not to use it around the house- his limp was quite noticeable without it, but no one in the house ever commented. “So you fucked up dinner? So what?” Dean pressed his lips to Castiel’s, running his fingers gently through the other man’s hair. “Everyone fucks up dinner once in a while.” Dean moved his lips away, pressing them to Castiel’s forehead before threading his fingers through Castiel’s. “It’s all good, Cas.”

“I know.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“My hands hurt.” Dean laughed outright at that.

“God, Cas, had me worried for a second there.” Castiel gave him a small smile. “I think we have burn cream. I’ll find it and you just wait there, okay?” Castiel nodded as Dean moved away to the fridge, returning a moment later with a bottle of presumably burn cream, rubbing it on Castiel’s hands. The coolness was amazing and Castiel groaned aloud at the feeling. “Fuck, Cas.” Castiel flicked his eyes up and found Dean staring at him, his own eyes wide.

“You’re incredibly perverted.”

“What do you expect me to do when you make noises like that?”

Castiel smiled, pressing his entire body against Dean’s until his ears just barely touched Dean’s ear before whispering “Control yourself.” Castiel was gone in a flash, scooping the phone off of the floor and making his way to the living room with a wink over his shoulder at Dean, who stood, fuming, in the kitchen. When Castiel entered the kitchen, he found the kids enthralled in some strange cartoon movie they had recently become obsessed with. It was called Recess: The Movie, and while it wasn’t the worst thing, Castiel wasn’t really sure what the appeal in it was. Then again, he wasn’t a little kid anymore. “Who wants Chinese?” Castiel called, getting a cheer from the kids as he smiled and picked up the phone, ordering a meal big enough for six, maybe seven if Adam came over, before hanging up the phone.

Dean came back into the living room, swatting Castiel on the back and glowering at him. “Oh, I’m sorry, Dean, did you need something?” Castiel asked, feigning innocence. Dean just glared at him, Castiel smirking in return. The kids were back to being glued to the TV screen, so Castiel took Dean’s arm and dragged him to the back of the living room.

“Do we have time for a quickie in the bathroom?” Dean asked instantly. Castiel had to hold his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing hysterically.

“Oh my God, you’re disgusting,” he hissed through his teeth, eyes watering with tears.

“I’m fucking serious you cock block, you- me- bathroom- now.” Castiel shook his head.

“There isn’t enough time before the food gets here. Plus, I need to tell you something.”

“Cas,” Dean murmured, slowly coming closer to him.

“Dean, we don’t-” Dean pressed his lips firmly against Castiel’s, and he kissed back, hand resting on Dean’s hip before he pushed his chest back.

“This is all your fault,” Dean huffed. Castiel just shook his head, chuckling.

“Listen, I need to tell you something important. Can you keep your hands off me for two seconds?”

“Not sure, Cas.” Castiel rolled his eyes.

“You kill me, you know that?”

“Oh, says the jackass giving me blue-”

“Tomorrow is the makeup day for the annual family picnic we cancelled this year.”

“Wait- what?”

“Yeah, I know. Gabriel arranged it and only just told me. I told him that I’m bringing all of you along. You, Ben, Timmy, Sam, Jess, James, Andrew- even Adam if he wants to go.”

“Wait- _what_?”

“I know, it’s very short notice, but I can’t not see my family. I started this thing, and Balthazar is coming down all the way from Canada…”

“No, no, it’s fine, I’m- I’m actually excited.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. I mean, I haven’t met very much of your family, just your main people.”

“Huh. I guess that’s true.”

“What time tomorrow?”

“Noon.”

“I’m going to pick Sam and Jess and the kids up at seven, so that should give me plenty of time to explain everything. You’ll be good with all the kids?”

“Of course, Dean. If I can handle twenty five eight year olds I think I can handle four of our own kids.”

“True enough. Hey, while you pay the Chinese guy-”

“Oh, so I’m paying, am I?”

“You catch spaghetti noodles on fire, you pay for the replacement. It’s in the ancient book of the Winchester chefs.” Castiel rolled his eyes at that.

“Fine. What were you saying?”

“Well before you so _rudely_ interrupted me, I was _saying_ that while you pay the food kid, I’ll call Adam and invited him along to this shindig.”

“Good idea. Now get out of here before you get that boner back.” Dean rolled his eyes, dramatically throwing his hands in the air and leaving the room to find the phone in the living room. Castiel headed back into the front hall, finding Vera and Xavy curled up together on the rug. Castiel smiled fondly at them, reaching down to pat the dog’s head. He woke up with a start, snorting and looking around, barking at nothing. Castiel just shook his head. “God, you’re stupid. But I love you anyways, you strange creature.” Xavy met Castiel’s eyes before rolling back on his side and promptly beginning to snore once more. Vera let out a yawn before she curled back up. Castiel felt as peaceful as his pets right about then.

………

The next morning, Castiel’s eyes flashed open long before the alarm. He moved his arm out from under Dean and heard the other man groan, rolling away from Castiel and pulling the pillow over his head.

“Don’t be like that,” Castiel muttered. Dean groaned again. Castiel inched closer, throwing his arms around Dean’s bare torso and pulling his close, peppering small kisses along his back and neck.

“’m sleeping,” Dean grumbled.

“Stop that,” Castiel whispered playfully. Dean huffed, turning around to match his body against Castiel’s before he placed his lips on the other man’s.

“Dude, your hair looks fuckin’ great,” Dean grinned. Castiel smiled back at him.

“Yours is pretty great too, you know.”

“Well I wouldn’t know, can’t exactly see it.”

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“Shut up and kiss me,” Dean said, putting their lips together and running his fingers up and down Castiel’s spine. Castiel sighed, smiling into the kiss.

“DADDY!” he heard, and suddenly there was _oof_ leaving his mouth as Ida slammed her knees into his stomach, promptly followed by a squealing Danny, Ben, and Timmy as they dog piled into the bed, laughing and giggling as they squished into the bed.

“GOTCHA NOW!” Dean yelled, picking Ida up and holding her over his head as she screamed. “Can’t escape now!” She kicked her feet as Dean brought her back down in a crushing hug. Castiel was fighting off the three boys as they tickled and squirmed their way under the blankets- thank _Christ_ they had stayed in their underwear the night before- and managed to get into a tickling war themselves. Castiel was smiling harder than he had in he wasn’t sure how long, squeezing the boys close, not sure whose arms were around his neck or who was pulling his hair, but he really didn’t care at this point.

Things died down pretty fast, the kids still huffing laughs as they settled under the covers, Ida and Timmy curled up next to Dean and Danny and Ben with Castiel. Castiel settled back in the bed, smiling like an idiot, running his hands through Danny’s too-long hair. After a few moments of silence, Ben said “I’m hungry.” A chorus of “me too”s rang out until Dean finally said in a nasally voice “I’m STARVED” and the kids started to crack up again. Castiel laughed along with them before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and standing, cracking his back. He avoided stepping on sleeping dogs as he made his way to the door.

“Well?” he said, looking at the five snuggled up in bed. “Are you coming to get breakfast or what?” All five shook their heads at once- how they had got that to work, Castiel wasn’t sure.

“Bring it up here,” Ida suggested.

“Yeah,” Ben piped up.

“You’re the best, Cas,” Dean said smugly. Castiel rolled his eyes, throwing his hands in the air before he pulled on a pair of pyjama pants and a ratty shirt that he was pretty sure belonged to Dean. He padded down the hall with Vera beside him, mewing softly and begging for food. As Castiel made his way to the stairs, he paused at the top, looking down with a soft smile on his lips. He felt utterly at peace as he observed the little coats all line up on their hooks, sneakers and boots alike crowded below them, toys here and there with a random robe draped across the railing.

This was his life now. Lazy mornings with his- well, whatever Dean was, their kids, and breakfast in bed for everyone but Castiel. He descended the stairs, avoiding a cat toy as he went, Vera still beside him. As he flicked lights on downstairs, seeing that it was only half past five in the morning, he stifled a yawn with his hand, stepping over action figures and Barbie dolls as he moved into the kitchen. He looked in the fridge before grabbing the carton of milk. He got six bowls from the cupboard as well as six spoons and a box of Cheerios. He dumped the dog and cat food in their proper places, then climbed the stairs holding all of the breakfast items in his hand. It was wash day anyways- so why not?

When he got back to the room, Dean was telling the kids some kind of story. Castiel stopped just out of Dean’s line of sight, listening as he spoke.

“And then he just went right down! Faceplanted on the floor, dropped like a ragdoll. I was really scared that he was hurt, and then, Ben and Timmy, your Aunt Ellen called up the ambulance. She made sure nothing happened to Cas until they got there, and then they took him to the hospital. Scariest night in my college career, but also a really great first date,” Dean concluded. When Castiel came in, Dean jumped, blushing furiously.

“What was all that about?” Castiel asked, handing each kid a bowl.

“Dean told us about your first date,” Danny informed him quietly.

“He did, did he?” Castiel asked, raising an eyebrow and looking over at Dean, who wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Did he tell you that he followed me around for weeks afterwards, tossing me water bottles and appearing out of nowhere with glasses full of water? He was like my guardian hydration angel.” Ida cracked up at that, though Castiel wasn’t sure she actually knew what it meant. Either way, her tinkling laugh brought a smile to everyone’s lips. Castiel began to pour the cereal into everyone’s bowl before he added the milk, hoping that there wouldn’t be too much of a mess. As they all crowded around, apparently trying to take up as much space as physically possible, Castiel felt calm and happy. It was really a very nice feeling. One that he could get used to.

“Aw, shit- I mean, crap. I need to go and get Sam from the airport,” Dean grumbled.

“Better get going,” Castiel said teasingly, making sure that Dean was looking when he curled up back under the covers with the kids around him. “Oh, and could you take the dishes down with you?”

“Why yes, _your majesty_ ,” Dean replied, spreading his arms wide. The kids began laughing once more at that.

“Be on your way, _peasant_.” Dean rolled his eyes before making his way into the bathroom to throw some clothes on, coming back out and taking the dishes. He yelled up-

“SEE YOU GUYS SOON!” Before the door closed. Slowly but surely, the kids started to crawl out of bed and make their way downstairs, Timmy and Ida watching some kind of cartoon about a laboratory while Danny and Ben stayed upstairs and fed all of Danny’s animals. Castiel got himself dressed before going down to let the dogs out, then sitting down with Timmy and Ida, wondering what in the hell was going on in this show. Danny and Ben eventually came downstairs, both boys dressed, as opposed to Timmy and Ida, who were still wearing their pyjamas.

“Okay kiddies- time to get ready. We have a big day ahead of us,” Castiel told them, leading them all upstairs. Timmy went into his and Ben’s room while Castiel went to help Ida get dressed. She picked out jeans and an orange shirt to wear. Why? Castiel wasn’t sure. She said something about becoming one with the leaves and Castiel left it at that. Coming back downstairs they found Ben and Danny on the floor playing with their action figures, both Timmy and Ida rushing to play with them as well, Timmy preferring the Barbie dolls while Ida had a combination of Barbies and action figures. Soon enough, Dean was home with Sam and Jess.

Jumping up to help with the suitcases, Castiel was followed by a gaggle of kids swarming to hug their aunt and uncle and cousins, as well as their new playmates and the people Dean had been talking about for forever. Sam gave Castiel a giant bear hug, whispering how grateful he was for everything Castiel had done and that he would always be in debt to the man for helping his family as he had. Castiel tried to tell him it was fine, really, but Sam wouldn’t have any of it, just pressed Castiel closer and closer until he could barely breathe.

“As a licensed nurse, I’m telling you to let go of him before you break his ribs,” Jess said playfully. Sam laughed, stepping back from Castiel but keeping one hand on his shoulder.

“Sorry, sorry.” Dean cleared his throat.

“Danny, Ida, this is my brother, Sam, and his wife, Jessica. These are their kids, Jamie and Andy.”

“Uncle Dean!” James whined. “It’s James! Jamie’s a _girl’s_ name!”

“Nothing wrong with girl names,” Dean shot back, Jess giving him a grateful look. James grumbled anyways, but soon enough, all six of the kids were in the living room playing together as the adults stood and got reacquainted.

“Dean tells me you’re having a big family get together,” Jess commented.

“Yes. If you’re too tired you’re welcome to remain here, I really don’t mind.”

“As long as you’ll have us, we’d love to go,” Jess said warmly.

“Definitely,” Sam seconded, wrapping his arm around Jess’s waist. “As long as Gabriel is decent. From the stories that Dean tells, he’s a pretty… interesting character.” Castiel snorted at that.

“Oh, interesting doesn’t even begin to cover what Gabriel is. I’m hoping that he’ll behave, but I can make no promises on my brother’s behalf.” Sam laughed at that.

“So… I hear that you’re father’s been taken back to jail.” Castiel stiffened at that. “Sorry, sorry, purely professional interest. The case is pretty famous, every lawyer in California has been talking about it and how stupid the parole board in South Dakota seems to be.”

“Stupid doesn’t even begin to cover it,” Castiel grumbled. Dean placed his hand along Castiel’s lower back and the man was grateful. Dean always seemed to know just what to do to calm him down.

“Well it’s over and done with now, so we can forget about that scumbag and all his shit, _right_ , Sammy?” Dean asked, giving his brother a pointed look. Sam raised his hands in his own defense.

“I was just curious!”

“Well stop that,” Dean muttered.

“It’s fine, Dean, I get it,” Castiel told him. Dean sighed. “Anyways, we should leave early, like around eleven, to be sure that Gabriel hasn’t completely fucked over the event and the people who are going.”

“Yeah, you’re right on that point,” Dean grumbled, shaking his head.

“So, I keep hearing mentions of this Gabriel,” Jess said. “Is he your brother, Castiel?”

“Yes, he’s my full sibling, we have the same mother and father.”

“Oh, okay. Is it just the two of you?”

“No, my sister Anna as well. And then there’s our… numerous half siblings.” Jess nodded.

“So do you have many nieces and nephews from Gabriel and Anna?”

“Gabriel has twins, Peter and Aaron. They lost another child, Caleb, in the summer. He passed away a few hours after he was born.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Jess said, reaching forwards and placing her hand on Castiel’s shoulder, genuine grief in her eyes. “Sam and I- we lost a baby, long before James or Andrew, back when we were just dating.” Dean wouldn’t look at Castiel. “She was premature. We named her Mary, for Sam’s mother.” Castiel could feel his throat tightening.

“I’m so sorry,” he breathed, “I had no idea.” Jess shook her head.

“It was a long time ago. We’ll never forget her, but we can talk about her now without the pain that comes with it.” Castiel nodded. He still felt like he was talking about Caleb as if the boy was a fact, rather than a person. He had gotten to hold the boy, unlike his own mother, but he still felt almost like a painful memory than a person that had once been alive. It was a strange feeling. “What about Anna? Does she have any children?”

“A daughter, Danielle.” Jess smiled at that.

“Danielle and Daniel. Strange how that works out, isn’t it?” Castiel nodded.

“I’ve often thought of how similar their names are. It’s slightly eerie.” They continued talking about things like Sam’s job, Castiel’s class, how the kids are doing in school, when Dean would be able to go back to fulltime work. Eventually, after everyone had eaten an early lunch, it was time to load up the vehicles. Adam would be meeting them at the centre after covering Dean’s shift for him.

Dean took Sam, Jess, Danny, and Ben in the Impala while Castiel took Ida, Timmy, James and Andrew in the van, grateful that he hadn’t thrown those extra car seats he had in the garage out or donated them as he had planned on doing. When they arrived at the centre, it was chaos trying to keep the kids calm and collected as they unstrapped them from the vehicles. Castiel was resisting the urge to give Danny a once-over after driving in the Impala- he loved that car, but it didn’t have any seatbelts, and God forbid if something happen to Danny when Castiel wasn’t there. Going inside, Castiel let the kids loose to run around, finding Gabriel and Kali setting things up with Maria and Anna while Danielle entertained Peter and Aaron on the other side of the room.

“Uncle Cassie!” Peter screamed, jumping up and tugging Aaron along as they sprinted across the room, jumping right into Castiel’s arms.

“Oh, I’ve missed you two!” Castiel said, squeezing them close. Peter giggled, stepping back and looking up at Sam and Jess with Aaron at his side. Aaron had begun speaking quite a bit more, but he was still much shier than his brother and opted not to say much around new people or in crowds. “Peter, Aaron, this is Dean’s brother, Sam, and Jess, his wife.”

“Hi!” Peter exclaimed, running forwards and wrapping his little arms around Jess’s midsection. She jumped slightly before smiling and bending down to hug him back.

“God, they’re so cute,” she whispered to Sam, who nodded back to her before scanning the room to see where Andrew and James had run off to, leaving Jess’s side to keep them from climbing up on the tables. Castiel turned to find Dean beside him, reaching down and taking his hand. Gabriel crossed the room with such a shiteating grin on his face that Castiel knew something was up- and it was something that he wouldn’t like.

“What did you do, Gabriel?” Castiel demanded as soon as his brother was in front of him. Gabriel feigned a horrified look. It was really getting old after thirty some odd years.

“Me? Do something? Well, I’d never!” Gabriel winked at Dean, who rolled his eyes. Gabriel caught sight of Jess being engulfed by his children and stepped forwards.

“Jessica, right?” Gabriel asked softly. Where the hell had _that_ tone come from?

“Yes, Gabriel, it’s so nice to see you again,” Jess said, moving forwards and taking Gabriel’s hand in her own. Gabriel surged forwards and wrapped her in a hug. Jess paused for a moment, seemingly uncertain of what to do, before she patted his back and waited for him to step back.

“Sorry. I just- wanted to say it’s really great to see you again. Especially under these… different circumstances.” Jess grit her teeth, nodding once and looking at the floor before looking back up at Gabriel. Beside Castiel, Dean stiffened- talking about Emma was certainly getting easier, but that didn’t mean that Dean actually liked to do it. Well, not that he didn’t like to, but more that when other people did it he was less in control of what was being said and it made him antsy, which Castiel understood completely.

“Yeah, I know. Oh, crap, hold on- SAM! Sam, Andrew is- shit!” Jess hurried to cross the room. Sam had James in his arms, but Andrew had run away and was on the verge of tumbling onto the cement floor. Castiel cast a quick glance around to look for his kids- Danny was with Ben and Timmy playing some sort of game on their electronic devices, and Ida was following Danielle around like a lost puppy. Anna and Maria were still working away with Kali, and Castiel assumed they were letting Sam and Jess deal with Gabriel before they introduced themselves. Gabriel alone was like six people, and more people didn’t need to be added to the mix.

“Deano!” Gabriel said, mock punching Dean.

“Gabe,” Dean returned.

“What, that’s it? After all of our good times together, I just get ‘Gabe’? No cool nickname?” Dean shrugged.

“Whatever, Gabrielle.” Gabe winked at that.

“Now that’s more like it, Winchester! The kind of sass that Cassie really goes for!” Dean sighed, rolling his eyes so hard Castiel was surprised they didn’t fall from his head.

“Gabriel! Castiel!” Kali called out. Gabriel turned on his heel, nearly tripping and then righting himself.

“Yes, my queen?” Gabriel called back, crossing the floor. Kali shook her head.

“We could use some help if you’re willing to spare it,” Kali told them. Castiel turned to Dean.

“You’re on kid duty,” he said.

“Cas-” Dean whined.

“Nope, not getting out of it. You drove all morning and I don’t need you screwing around with these decorations. Now go!” Castiel said, shooing Dean away. Sighing dramatically, Dean left with a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. Castiel hurried back over to see the women (and Gabriel) setting up tables and getting food out of the kitchen.

After a crazy hour of chasing after half-naked kids, setting up food and foldable chairs, and throwing things at Gabriel when he started to sing as he worked, the family started arriving in droves. Castiel started losing track as they and their families came in.

Michael, Lucifer, Balthazar, Uriel, Raphael, Hannah, Rachel, Zachariah, Metatron, Beloquiel, Remiel, Raziel, Naomi, Zyphiel, Enid, Josiah, Keraphiel- they just kept coming and coming until the entire hall was filled with laughing, happy people, kids slipping in between legs and grinning as they moved through and got hugs and kisses from aunts and uncles. Castiel found himself running around for such a long time that when he got a break he didn’t know what to do with it. At one point, he saw Dean and Adam sneaking out of the kitchen with deserts that weren’t out yet, and when Dean saw his scathing look the two made a break for the crowd.

During that small period where he wasn’t cleaning or wiping the tears of a young child, Maria stopped him as he passed her. “Castiel, come here,” she insisted, smiling warmly at him as only a mother could. He walked towards her and she opened her arms, wrapping him in a tight hug. She smelled like pie and happiness- she smelled like home.

“Hey, ma. Sorry, it’s just really crazy,” he said as they broke apart. Maria waved her hand at him.

“Nonsense, don’t go apologizing to me. Castiel, I just need to tell you- I am _so_ proud of you,” Maria told him, grabbing his arms and rubbing her hands up and down them. “I love you so much, and I am so very, very proud of you.”

“Mom-” he mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

“ _Look_ at this, Castiel! All of your siblings under one roof, happy and laughing, all because of you. And Dean- look at him, he’s radiating happiness. Those kids you have are amazing- Danny is _talking_! I am so proud of you, baby. And I love you so much.”

“Why are you saying all of this?” Castiel whispered. Maria looked on the verge of tears, which was making Castiel feel on the verge of tears, and dear God this wasn’t supposed to get emotional.

“I’m saying all of this,” Maria began, “because if I’ve learned _anything_ in the past ten months, it’s that you need to say it before it’s too late. I love you. So much. And so do your brothers and sisters, even if a lot of them don’t say it. Now, go and enjoy this party. I bet those Winchesters need some company themselves.” Castiel smiled at her again and she returned it. He gave her another hug before he parted, going back into the crowd. As he passed the main door, he stopped, looking in at two people coming towards him. Cecilia raised her arm, waving as she approached with Samandriel.

“Castiel!” she called as she approached.

“Cecilia,” he returned, smiling warmly as he moved to the door. “Did Gabriel tell you to come?”

“Yes, I would’ve been here sooner but I had to sign Alfie out of the home.”

“No problem at all! Everyone and their dog is already here, so you can come right on in! If you just give me a minute, I have something very important to do,” Castiel said, leaving after he greeted Samandriel, crossing the room with his eyes on the lookout for Dean. He spotted him in a back corner with Lucifer’s daughter, Danielle, and Ida, making funny faces and shoving grapes in his cheeks. Castiel hurried over, pulling him to his feet.

“Hey, Cas. One second, guys,” Dean said, moving away from the kids and looking Castiel up and down. “What is it? Are you okay?” Castiel didn’t respond, just surged forwards and pressed their lips together. He heard a flash go off and Gabriel’s guffaw, but ignored. Dean’s cheeks were pink when Castiel pulled back, eyes wide as he scanned around the room. “What was that for?” he asked breathlessly.

“I love you.” The words fell so seamlessly off of his lips that Castiel wondered why it had taken him this long to say them. “And I know you don’t tell people that, and I get it. But I love you, Dean Winchester. I don’t care if this is too soon. I don’t care what people think. I love you. I- I love you.” Dean was looking at him strangely. Castiel wasn’t entirely sure what to make of the look, and then he placed it- it was… it was the way that _Castiel_ looked at _him_.

“I love you too, you big dumb idiot,” Dean said, moving to wrap his arms around Castiel. It was only after the whoops and cheers erupted around the room that Castiel realized his entire family had been watching them as they embraced. Sam came out of the crowd, walking up to Dean after he and Castiel had separated and hugging his brother fiercely, tears in his eyes. Castiel couldn’t hear what Sam was saying to Dean, but Dean only hugged his brother tighter, hands fisting in his shirt. Anna was now beside Castiel, her arm around his shoulder, giving him a look that only a big sister could give.

They were fucked up. God, were they fucked up. Three abused siblings, one a single mother with emotional problems, one a trauma survivor who covered his rage and sadness with jokes and an airy temperament, and the gay one who could hardly even look at a child on a road without having a panic attack. They were fucked beyond belief. But looking around that room, Castiel saw something rare, something beautiful; he saw a family that was born out of hate and vicious intent come together, regardless of how they could have turned out, and love each other so fiercely that there was no force that could break them apart. As he looked at his brothers, at his sisters, he saw the happiness and the hope in their eyes. They were all broken, in one way or another, but they were together, and they had each other.

And that was really all that mattered, wasn’t it?

Castiel looked down to see Ida grabbing at his hand. He scooped her into his arms, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Danny was beside him too, smiling up at him as Anna moved forwards to stand by Maria, Castiel wrapping an arm around Danny. The boy stood on his tiptoes, whispering to Castiel “I think I want to call you dad. If that’s okay.” And _dammit he would not cry_. Castiel held him closer, nodding his head, not trusting his voice. He kissed the top of Danny’s head, laughing to himself in the way that one does when they’re trying to hold back tears.

“I love you two so much,” Castiel whispered.

“I love you too, dad,” Ida told him cheerily, hanging her arm around his neck. When Castiel saw Dean just a few feet before him, he had Ben and Timmy beside him while he was talking and laughing with Sam, wiping his eyes as he did so. Dean turned from Sam, smiling at Castiel in a way that Castiel now knew was just for him. Adam came in from behind Dean, going to Timmy and scooping him into his arms before yelling and squealing with the boy, carrying him off with Ben chasing after them. Danny laughed and ran after Ben himself. Ida wanted to stay in Castiel’s arms, and as they walked around talking with Castiel’s brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews- it felt nice. When Danielle came by again, Ida hopped down from Castiel’s arms, taking her cousin’s hand and walking with her. That was when Castiel felt a warm hand in his. He didn’t need to turn anymore to know who it was.

But he turned anyways, and was met with a kiss. Castiel laughed into it, light and airy.

After fourteen years of uncertainty, and after fourteen years of waiting without knowing he was, Dean was back in Castiel’s life. Castiel had a _family_ , he had kids of his own and a man who loved him.

No matter what else happens to Castiel in this life, those facts will remain the same. And really, that’s all he needs, isn’t it?

He certainly thinks so.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Lucifer might just be able to read my mind. I had always known this story would end with the Novaks and the Winchesters together, there was no other way. 
> 
> Writing those two words, "THE END" is giving me serious feels. I almost want to cry right now, because this is my baby, and the main story, it's done. It's been months of hard work and enough writing that this could be two novels if it wanted to be. This is huge for me, and I love you all for reading it and helping me along the way. If it weren't for all of you, I wouldn't be where I am right now, which is a pretty damn good place. You've listened to my rants and you've experienced my shitty writing and my shitty moods and God if I don't love every single one of you for it. All of you made this story possible. Every single one. Whether you've been on the bandwagon since chapter one, way the hell back in The Family Matter, or whether you're reading this in the future, thank you for what you've contributed to me. 
> 
> The epilogue will be posted at a later time. When, I'm not sure- to be honest, it could be tomorrow, or it could be in February. It's going to be long. Like, possibly 30-80 pages because I'm a worthless piece of shit and I have an idea. 
> 
> I have so much I want to say, yet I feel as if I can't say it or I just don't know how to.
> 
> There MAY be another fic in the works for this series. After the epilogue, it will say it's a complete series, but I really don't know where the characters will take me. It all depends. So keep your subscriptions to the series, because you never know when I may update.
> 
> Oh, and I realize it goes into present time in the end- unlike when I was sick or just careless, this one was on purpose! I hope that doesn't fuck it up too much.
> 
> I, uh... I guess this is goodbye for now. You've all been great! Sorry for the longass authors note. Again. What was I saying? Right! Goodbye for now!


	27. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Okay! I fixed the weird spaces, but the FUCKING bold and italics still don't seem to be working. Uuuugh. Sorry, guys!
> 
> **Rereading parts of this I realize I was so tired that I majorly screwed up some parts... fixing those now!

**December 25, 2007**

Dean and Castiel’s second Christmas together, albeit fourteen years apart, is much better than their first. Lisa agrees to let Dean have Timmy and Ben, and she goes to have dinner with her parents while Castiel and Dean take the four kids and go to Castiel’s childhood home. Sam and Dean had always had an agreement that they would skip Christmases together- one year with Jess’s family, and one year with Sam’s was how they split it. So, when the family of six heads down to Maria’s for the annual festival, it’s only the usual amount of craziness. Of course, the first thing Castiel thinks of when he arrives is that if things had worked out, there would be a baby on a blanket on the living room floor, and Marcus wouldn’t be the youngest child in the living room. But that isn’t how things had worked out. And they all notice the loss, though Castiel can tell that they are trying to move past it, but that Kali doesn’t laugh as hard as the previous year, that Gabriel has a certain… spark missing from his eyes.

Nonetheless, the Christmas is the best Castiel has had in years. Dean is next to him, hands laced together for what seems the entire weekend, Danny and Ida showing Ben and Timmy the house, introducing them to the family and showing them the best hiding places. The boys soon become masters at hide and seek, though Castiel opts not to play. He jokes that Charlotte and Avery are children with a child, and volunteers to stay behind with Maria, Kieran and Natalie to watch over Marcus while the rest of the family plays the house wide game. No one is safe. Castiel is used as a hiding spot for Dean at one point when he buries himself under the pillows and forces Castiel to lay on top of him with a blanket. Gabriel finds him pretty quickly, ripping the cushions off and saying “Good try, Winchester, but I’m a level 69 hide and seek player, and let me tell you, couch cushions is level ten at best.” Dean rolls his eyes and admits defeat- to that round, at least.

That night at dinner, Charlotte announces that she and Avery will be having another baby. It’s due in August, and though Kali hides it well, Castiel knows that she’s hurting by the way that Gabriel takes her hand, squeezing it tightly. Dean smiles widely at the news of another baby, saying how happy he is for them and that he wishes them all the best, along with everyone else at the table. Castiel casts him a quick glance, trying to judge and see if he’s truly alright. He seems fine, which is something that Castiel sees often but still shocks him. Just less than a year ago, Dean had been a complete mess, unable to stand, to bathe, hardly able to think- and now, he’s sitting at a table practically glowing, cane gone and family surrounding him. It makes Castiel want to cry with joy, thinking that he has finally gotten something right in this world.

After dinner, everyone heads to their own rooms. Dean and Castiel sleep upstairs in Castiel’s old room with Ida, while Danny, Timmy, and Ben get the living room downstairs with Kieran. Anna and Danielle stay in Anna’s room, and Gabriel’s family in his. Natalie, Avery, Marcus and Charlotte stay downstairs where Kieran used to stay. The whole house is full of life, love, and dogs, and everyone sleeps soundly that night. When Castiel awakes, he’s on the edge of the bed with no blankets, Ida and Dean snuggled up to each other under the blankets, Dean snoring loudly. Castiel rolls his eyes. ‘I don’t snore’ my ass. As quietly as possible, Castiel removes himself from the bed, grabbing his camera from the bedside table and snapping pictures of the two. Castiel opens up the doors of his siblings as well, taking pictures of them as they slept, wrapped up in their blankets and covered in drool and kids. Gagging when he’s met with a full moon from Gabriel, Castiel continues down the stairs.

He stops when he hears low voices. Carefully, he creeps down the stairs, looking in the living room and finding Ben and Kieran still asleep but Danny and Timmy missing. Never one to miss an opportunity to photograph an adorable child, Castiel gets a shot of Ben before he moves into the front hall. He pauses outside of the dining room door when he hears more voices, placing Timmy and Danny somewhere in the room.

“I just really miss her,” Timmy whispers.

“Yeah,” Danny mumbles back, “I miss my mom too. And my dad. Cas- he’s my dad now, and I love him like my dad, but…”

“I know. I never had a dad, so it’s easier with Dean, to call him that. But with Lisa it’s hard sometimes. I feel like I’m betraying my mom.”

“You’re not, though. And neither am I. I think it’s okay, to call them dad and mom.”

“Me too,” Timmy replies. There’s a moment of silence.

“What was your mom like?” Danny finally asks.

“She was really nice. She made me peanut butter sandwiches and she was the best at them. She was really pretty, too, I remember that. What about yours?”

“My dad looked just like Cas, and my mom had brown hair too, so I have brown instead of blond. Dad was never angry, he was always happy and fun. Mom was really nice. She always sang to me.”

“How’d they die?” Timmy asks. Danny sighs.

“It was a car accident. It- it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Dad lost control of the car, and it caught on fire. I got out with Ida, but they were too big. That’s why I have all these scars. From the glass and the fire.” There is more silence between the two and Castiel can feel his heart clenching in his chest.

“My mom died in a car crash too. She got in the back and forced me out, but then… it exploded and…”

“You don’t have to say it,” Danny tells him hurriedly. “I know.”

After that the boys are quiet, and Castiel has gone back to the stairs,  he descends, making enough noise to make them think he hasn’t heard them. He comes into the dining room to find them huddled under the table in a small makeshift fort, smiling at the two before he snaps some pictures, both boys yelling and squealing when he tries to get more pictures.

Castiel doesn’t tell anyone what he heard, not Dean, not Gabriel, and he never mentions it to either of the boys. It’s a secret they deserve to have, their newfound friendship, and if either of them ever wants to talk to Castiel, they will.

**January 3, 2008**

The house that Castiel bought as his first home finally sold, and on the day of January 3, Dean, Castiel, Danny and Ida pack up all of their earthly possessions and move to their new house. It needs work- a new kitchen, new floors, upgraded bathrooms, a new roof- God knows what else, but it was cheap and it was big, and that's all that matters for the time being.

Moving day is hectic. Gabriel closes up shop and comes to help, and they also have Bobby and Adam joining them. The animals are the first to be moved- thank God the yard already has a fence, because without it Seph and Xavy likely would escape and Castiel doesn’t have the time to chase them down the street all morning. They start early, and by the time that dark comes that night, all of their items have been moved. Gabriel drives the kids to the new house, and that leaves Dean and Castiel alone in the old one. Castiel is about to put his jacket on, keys in hand, when two arms wrap around his waist and there’s a mouth on the back of his neck.

“Kinky bastard,” Castiel murmurs, turning around in Dean’s arms to face him, falling into a kiss with a smile on his face.

“Yes, yes I am,” Dean replies, moving his hands up and under the back of Castiel’s shirt.

“Gabriel’s expecting us,” Castiel breathes, leaning his head back and closing his eyes as Dean kisses along his jaw, his neck.

“Shouldn’t we christen the old house, too? Just to be safe?” Dean asks, hands roaming all over Castiel’s body. Castiel steps back, smirking at Dean as he stumbles forwards, pouting at Castiel when he grabs his shoulders for stability. “Asshole.”

“Is that an insult or a request?” Castiel asks, laughing at his own joke. Dean rolls his eyes, biting back a smile. “Come on, let’s head out, we need to pick up food for the kids.”

“Yes, your highness,” Dean sighs. Grinning, they leave the old house, Castiel looking back one last time at the bare rooms that hold so many memories for him, before he turns off the light and goes down the porch steps for the last time.

**January 15, 2008**

Castiel takes the day off of work, and he lets Danny and Ida stay out too. Dean returns to the old house for the first time in months. When he walks in the door, Lisa is there, her arms around him, already sobbing. Dean holds her close, eyes dry as they move into the house. Danny is quiet, and Ida fiddling as Castiel brings them inside. Bobby, Jody, and Adam are in the front hall to greet them, and Castiel knows that Gilda and Charlie are there too, in the living room with Ben and Timmy. When Castiel brings the kids past the front hall after hugs with everyone, he sees Rufus and Henkrikson in the kitchen drinking coffee. He is greeted in the living room by hugs from everyone that was in the room.

Soon enough, all of the people in the house are gathered in one room. No one says anything. No one is really sure what to say, what to do. Finally, the silence is broken.

“I remember one time when she told me we should go to the old pond,” Danny says quietly. All eyes in the room are on him. “It was a month before, and the pond was frozen. I told her she was nuts, but he dragged me up there. We made a really cool snowman.”

“So that’s where my good mittens went,” Dean mutters, shaking his head and laughing. Danny cracks a smile as well.

“Yeah. Sorry. I think they’re still up there under a foot of snow if you want them back.” Everyone chuckles at that statement, and Dean ruffles Danny’s hair.

“Nah, I’m good. Got some new ones for Christmas,” he says, shooting a glance at Castiel, who smiles back. The rest of the day is filled with fun stories, and a visit up to the frozen pond, the whole gang trekking up. For a lot of the walk, everyone has to wonder- is this really worth it? But when they reach the frozen body of water and look out at the piles of snow, thinking about winter skating with Emma and how her ashes will always be up there, it is unanimous that it’s the best choice they make.

At home that night, Dean finally cracks. They unpacked everything by then, and so it’s in Castiel and Dean’s bed that Dean finally lets himself cry again. Castiel isn’t sure how long Dean cries for, and if he’s crying over Emma or what he put his family through. But when Dean finishes crying, he doesn’t apologize, he just thanks Castiel for being there, and that’s how Castiel knows he’ll be okay. They fall asleep and are soon awoken by both Danny and Ida entering their room, falling asleep next to the two of them.

**August 17, 2008**

There’s a party at Charlie and Gilda’s house. A party that Castiel has been waiting to attend for almost two years now. As he, Dean, Danny and Ida enter the house, it’s warm and inviting and not very full of people. Gilda and Charlie both lost their parents when they were young, so it’s full of close friends only. When they go into the living room, Charlie has a baby in her arms and “so not tears” in her eyes. Grinning, Castiel hurries forwards to peak around the blanket and see the face of her and Gilda’s adopted daughter, Leia. How Charlie convinced Gilda of the name, Castiel may never know, but little Leia is the cutest baby he’s seen in a while.  

By the time that all of the guests have arrived, Leia is awake and curious, looking at people with knowledge in her eyes and those cute rosy little cheeks. She’s passed around from person to person over the next few hours, not fussy at all, thank God. When Ida gets to hold her, Castiel helps her cradle the baby, and he can see how happy she is holding her.

“She’s much heavier than a doll,” Ida tells him. Castiel nods.

“She’s a lot more responsibility than a doll, too,” Castiel informs her.

“I still like her.”

“Me too.”

“Okay, baby hogs, pass her along, Uncle Dean wants a go,” Dean tells them playfully. Charlie raises an eyebrow.

“Uncle Dean?” she questions. Dean shrugs.

“Why not? I’m the perfect uncle.”  

“Yeah. Sure, Winchester,” Charlie says with a roll of her eyes, carefully plucking the sleeping baby from Ida’s arms when the girl yawns. She gently places her in Dean’s arms, and his eyes go soft. He runs his fingers through her hair, whispering incomprehensible mumblings to her. Charlie smiles at them. “Maybe Uncle Dean is okay,” she tells him, and Dean gives her a grateful look.

“Thanks, Charls,” he says.

“I’m super sleep deprived, so this might not last,” she warns, and this time Dean rolls his eyes.

“Well who else would you make the godfather?” Dean asks her. Charlie slides her eyes over to Castiel, who looks at her incredulously.

“What? Me?” he questions, pointing at himself. Charlie laughs.

“Yeah, Gilda and I decided you two morons would be the best choice for this kid if anything ever happens to us. Technically, that makes Dean the godmother-”

“Hey!”

“-but in the will, you two will have legal guardianship.”

“Charlie- I can’t express-”

“Save it,” Gilda says with a yawn. “You two are great parents, and she would be lucky to have you.”

“Thanks, guys,” Dean mumbles softly, pressing a kiss to Leia’s forehead. “Not that you two are ever going anywhere. I mean, Charlie’ll figure out how to make you live forever by the time you’re fifty, so your looks will still be decent by the time you’re frozen forever.”

“You really know how to ruin a moment, Winchester,” Charlie huffs.

“That I do,” Dean says proudly. Castiel quickly checks his watch.

“It’s getting late, Dean,” he warns. Dean sighs.

“Yeah, I know. Ida’ll be asleep soo- oh, no, she’s already out,” Dean chuckles. He gives the baby to Gilda with one final kiss before he goes and scoops Ida into his arms. Dean started working at the garage back in March as a mechanic again. He has a permanent limp, but that doesn’t stop him from doing what he wants, including lifting children into his arms effortlessly.

“Night, guys,” Castiel says quietly as they leave, Danny trailing behind him as they go. It’s been a short two hours, but they’ve been a good two hours.

**December 5, 2008**

Dean left.

Castiel and he got in a fight, words were said, and Dean left. Castiel is frantically calling everyone he knows, terrified that Dean will do something he’ll regret, and is on the verge of a panic attack with four kids asleep upstairs. The Impala is gone and the TV is on and Castiel isn’t even dressed-

Breathe.

He takes a deep breath in and a deep breath out before he dials the phone again.

“Roadhouse, Ellen speaking,” Ellen barks into the phone.

“Ellen, it’s Castiel, you haven’t happened to have seen Dean, would you?” Castiel asks desperately.

………

“Ellen, it’s Castiel, you haven’t happened to have seen Dean, would you?” Castiel asks, and Ellen moves her hand over the end of the phone.

“Dean!” she whisper-yells to the man sulking over a beer just before her. He looks up, pissed, and she glares right back at him. “Your man is on the phone looking for ya-”

“Ellen, just tell him you haven’t seen me, I’m going home, I swear, I just- I need some time.” Ellen gives him a stern look, which he shoots right back, and she relents.

“Sorry, Cas, I’ve scanned the whole place and I can’t seem to find him. Yes, I will give you a call as soon as I hear anything. Okay, sweetie. You give those kids a kiss for me, ya hear? Same to you,” Ellen hangs up the phone, never taking her eyes off of Dean. She leaves the back of the bar, barking at Jo to get Annie to cover it while she talks with Dean. She slides up beside him, taking his beer and tossing it in the trash behind the bar, which both impresses Dean and pisses him off.

“Hey!”

“Hay is for horses, young man. Now. What is all this about?” Ellen demands. Dean won’t look at her, just focusing on a scratch in the wood on the bar. “Dean,” she says, voice softer, “you can tell me anything, you know.”

“I got a call from Bobby,” Dean says. Ellen nods along, and Dean continues. “Dad died last night. He was admitted to the hospital. He- he drank himself to death.”

“Oh, honey,” Ellen says quietly, wrapping her arms around Dean.

“I’m fine. I am. But- I didn’t- I couldn’t tell Cas. He hated my dad, I mean, I hated him too, but at the same time-”

“He was your dad. I get that. You don’t stop lovin’ your daddy, no matter how much wrong he does.”

“I knew Cas wouldn’t care. So I didn’t tell him. And-”

“And you turned into a grumpy little shit?”

“And I was in a bad mood,” Dean says pointedly. Ellen gives him her ‘mom look’ and Dean rolls his eyes. “Don’t look at me like that. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying nothing and soon we were yelling- and I snapped. I don’t know where it came from. And then- he snapped too, and Ellen, what if- what if he really thinks those things and what if he doesn’t want me?” Dean has never been honest about how he feels, but now seems like the right time to start.

“What did you say?” is all Ellen asks. Dean sighs.

“I- I told him it was none of his business, and he… I don’t want to say it again, Ellen.”

“Well you best be saying it, Dean, especially if you don’t wanna.”

“I don’t… I told him that it was none of his business, and it’s not like someone as fucked up in the head as him ever could,” Dean breathes. Ellen’s eye twitches, and Dean can tell she wants to smack him here and now, but she won’t. Not yet.

“What did he say?” Ellen asks instead. Dean blows out a breath, hanging his head.

“He told me that I was one to talk. He told me to get out and not come back, that I was too much for him to handle anymore,” Dean whispers. Ellen wraps her arm around him.

“You know he didn’t mean a damn word of that, don’t you?”

“But what if he did? What if he’s just been hiding it?”

“For what? Fifteen years now you two’ve been making eyes? Dammit, Dean, don’t you see?” she asks, eyes boring into his. “He loves you not matter what. You need to let him in. You need to accept that he loves you, and that he wants to help you.”

“I fucked up.”

“You sure did. You both said awful things. Which is why you need to do your part- he’s searching hell’s half acres for you, and you need to hop in that car ‘a yours and go back to him. You hear me?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Now get outta my bar,” Ellen tells him, pushing him towards the door. Dean gets up from the stool, about to leave when Ellen calls out- “Dean!”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not too much to handle. You never will be. Understand?” Dean gives her a small smile.

“Yes ma’am,” he says, leaving the restaurant and getting into the car.

……….

Castiel slams the phone home when he sees the Impala pull into the driveway. It’s -3 and there’s snow everywhere and Castiel only has his slippers on, but he sprints out the front door and throws himself into Dean’s arms, holding him tight and kissing him over and over again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I swear, Dean, I love you so much, and I didn’t mean a damn word, not a word-”

“Cas! Cas, stop, stop. I- I love you too, okay? I- I’m the stupid one, okay? Just come inside, you’ll freeze to death out here,” Dean says, leading him inside. Dean takes his jacket off, hanging it on the hook, and when he goes into the living room, Castiel is on the couch with his head in his hands. “Cas?”

“What happened to us?” Castiel asks.

“Nothing happened, Cas. We just… It’s me, not you.” Castiel snaps his head up.

“Are you leaving?” he asks flat out.

“What!? No, I’d never- no, Cas, here,” Dean says, sitting beside him and letting out a loud breath, running his hands through his hair. “I was stupid before. I was really, really fucking stupid. I didn't mean a single thing I said, not a damn word, you're everything, Cas, and I just- what I said was low. It was so fucking low and horrible. I should have just told you outright… But I'm stupid.”

“Told me what?” Castiel asks, worry creeping into his tone.  

“My… fuck. My dad died last night, Cas,” Dean tells him through the lump that’s appeared in his throat.

“Oh, Dean,” Cas sighs, throwing his arms around the other man. “I’m so sorry. I know how hard this must be on you. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I didn’t- you hated him, and I didn’t… I don’t know, Cas, I just-”

“It’s okay. It’s fine. What can I do?”

“You can hold me,” Dean mumbles.  

“Okay.”

Castiel pulls Dean close, leaning them against the back of the couch and idly running his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean doesn’t cry over his father, and he never will. But that doesn’t mean that it’s different, a change. There’s no way to make up for any of it. John never cared. John never wanted to accept Dean as he is, and he never truly wanted what was best for his son. He didn’t care when Dean was dying, and he didn’t go to Emma’s funeral. John isn’t worth tears to Dean. But now that he’s gone, it’s a lost opportunity. He knows now that he can never talk to his father again and never try to piece their lives back together. Perhaps it’s for the best. But right now, Dean just needs to know that Cas is there, that Cas will always be there. And he will.

**May 4, 2009**

Kali has her first daughter, Veronica, on Star Wars day. Dean can’t be happier as he, Cas, and the four kids enter the hospital to meet the newest Novak. Going upstairs, they find Maria and Anna already there, the two of them greeting the gang before they take Danielle and the twins down to the cafeteria for some lunch before Anna and Danielle leave. Kali is positively glowing as she holds the baby and shows her to her new cousins and uncles. Castiel takes pictures of everyone holding her, and as they leave Gabriel clutches him close and thanks him for coming. There are tears in his eyes as he says this, and Castiel knows that Caleb will never be forgotten, but at least his parents are now freer of their pain from his birth.

On the drive home, Castiel looks at his family from the passenger seat of the Impala. He hates driving in the death trap, but luckily all four kids actually fit in the backseat. They're arguing over one thing or another, Danny playfully hitting Ben, and Timmy jumping into the argument enthusiastically. Danny is in grade ten as of September and is loving it. Timmy is in seventh grade and Ben in sixth, while Ida is in the third grade, but not Castiel's. Everything seems to be going so quickly in their lives, and now there’s a new baby. Castiel smiles at Dean as they drive, feeling very peaceful.

“What’s that look for?” Dean asks, placing one of his hands over Castiel’s, who shakes his head.

“Nothing. I’m just… happy. We have such a nice family, and I’m happy. It’s a very nice feeling,” Dean smiles at him, running his fingers over Castiel’s.

“I know what you mean. Everything just feels so… perfect.” Castiel smiles again, leaning over to peck Dean on the cheek. Gags and the sound of someone retching reach his ears from the backseat, so Castiel quickly pressed his lips on Dean’s, who smiles into it.

“Ugh, ew, dad, you’re so gross!” Ida exclaims.

“Yeah, da- Cas. You’re nasty,” Timmy says. Castiel caught his mistake, but he ignores it, turning to the back and sticking his tongue out at them.

“Get used to it already,” Castiel tells them, Danny rolling his eyes.

“Dad,” he whines, “I have to see enough of it at school with those heathens in the halls. C’mon!” Castiel reaches back and ruffles the boy’s hair- when had he gotten so tall?

“I know, bud, but you better get used to it at home too,” he tells him with a grin. Danny just shakes his head and Castiel turns back. Dean shoots him a quick look- and Castiel feels it’s about Timmy and his word slip. But he chooses to ignore it until Timmy wants to talk about it. It’s not his place to say anything about it. Dean and Lisa had officially adopted Timmy before the divorce went through, and after it did, they shared custody of the boy, the state luckily not taking him back as they had feared they might. Castiel doesn’t want to confuse Timmy more than he must already be about his life, so he leaves the name thing alone.

**June 30, 2009**

“Hello?” Castiel says, putting the cordless phone to his ear.

“Hello, is this Castiel James Novak?” the voice asks. Castiel frowns, shifting to lean against the doorframe to watch the kids from the kitchen.

“Speaking,” he says.

“Mr. Novak, this is Adelaide Mahnu calling from Avera Heart Memorial Hospital.” Castiel can feel his heart leaping in his throat.

“Avera Heart? What’s this about?” he asks nervously.

“I’m afraid that your brother, Beloquiel Novak, passed away from lung cancer today.” Castiel’s heart stops. He's been waiting for this call, been waiting months for it. Beloquiel's wife, Nora, passed away giving birth to their daughter. Beloquiel was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer when she first entered her second trimester, and after Nora died, he declared both Dean and Castiel his child's guardians.

"Where's his daughter? She's my legal ward, I need to see her, where is she?" Adelaide informs him that Beloquiel had been rushed to the hospital suddenly, and the baby taken as well. She's currently in the daycare the hospital provides for their doctor's children. Dean is upstairs and Castiel says thank you to Adelaide before clicking the phone shut and running to tell Dean he'll be back, slamming the front door and rushing to his car. It seems like he'll never stop rushing to hospitals in this lifetime. Castiel is there in no time, and when he asks for the daycare Castiel runs to the elevators after the woman at the desk tells him, wishing he had taken the stairs when he has to make three stops for other people.

When he finally gets to the daycare area, he asks for Adelaide Mahnu, finding her in the nursery area watching over a sleeping child.

"Ms. Mahnu?" Castiel whispers, walking up to her, eyes on the baby the entire time.

"Mr. Novak, I'm very glad to see you."

"She's okay?"

"Yes, she's fine. But there's the issue of Beloquiel's body-"

"He wanted to be cremated." She nods.

"I'll have that told to the morgue. We can work this out tomorrow if you wish, I know you must be eager to get her out of here."

"Yes," Castiel says, reaching forwards and carefully taking the tiny human into his arms, "Claire needs to be her family right now, out of this hospital."

**August 27, 2009**

Beloquiel's ashes were spread in his favourite forest, out behind the house he had lived in. Nearly two months have passed since Castiel and Dean welcomed baby Claire Novak into their odd little family. Ida is overjoyed at getting a little sister. Castiel knows she loves her brothers, but the lack of female influence around her must be intense, especially with no mother figure.

Claire grows bigger and bigger every day. Dean is much better with her than Castiel is, as he raised two kids from diapers while Castiel chose to teach third grade.

One night, in the dead heat of August, Castiel goes to the office that they turned into a nursery for Claire to check in on her. He stops just outside the door, listening.

"Okay, sweetheart," he hears Dean say softly. Castiel cracks the door open, knowing it won't squeak, and sees Dean sitting in the rocking chair smiling fondly at a sleeping Claire. "Here's a little something that everyone should hear once in their lifetime. It was your grandma Winchester's favourite- and your sister, Emma, she was pretty fond of it too." Castiel moves his hand to his mouth, unsure of whether he should be standing here at this moment.

"Hey Jude," Dean sings to the baby, "Don't make it bad. Take a sad song, and make it better..."

Castiel closes the door noiselessly, backing away from the room to leave the two of them alone. This is something for Dean, not for Castiel. He knows that Dean can’t sing- the man himself has demonstrated it on every single car ride they have ever share. But with that little baby in his arms, Castiel swears that it is the sweetest sound he has ever heard.

He moves down the hall, peaking his head into Ida's room and then Danny's- he left a fish tank light on, so Castiel quickly crosses the room and flicks it off, adjusting the covers on the boy and smiling as he turns in his sleep. When Castiel leaves the room, he can still hear Dean singing softly from just two doors down. He turns to go and check on Timmy and Ben, who have been with them every week day of the summer, and finds Ben in the hallway, looking down towards Claire's room.

"Ben, what are you doing up?" Castiel asks.

"I heard something. I think it was dad." Castiel looks down the hall and then back to Ben.

"Are you okay?" he asks him, stepping closer.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Winchester tradition. He... I heard him sing it to Timmy, when we first started fostering him. That's when I knew he was serious about him." Castiel nods.

"If you need anything-"

"Why won't he talk about her?" Ben asks. Castiel's face softens.

"Ben-"

"I know that- I know it was hard. But. I miss her. And I'm- it's hard to remember her, and when mom doesn't talk about her and Adam and dad all just stop- even the pictures are gone from mom's. I wish we didn't have to tiptoe around the subject. It's been almost three years now." Castiel is taken aback by the boy's words. For someone entering the sixth grade, he certainly knows what he means. It's times like these that Castiel remembers that children are just tiny people, not a whole other species too stupid to think on its own.

"I don't know if that will ever change," Castiel tells him honestly. "Your sister's death destroyed your father. And I don't know when things will truly go back to normal."

"Two years, though," Ben says, and Castiel can see tears welling in his eyes, which he angrily wipes away. "I just want it to be back to normal! I want mom to laugh and I want dad to act like he was before!" With that, Castiel bends down on one knee, putting his arms on Ben's shoulders and looking into his eyes.

"I know. It's okay to want these things, Ben, I understand. But you need to know that this is the new normal. Things won't ever be the same. But I can assure you that they will get better."

"Why can't they be better now?" Ben sniffs. Castiel looks over his shoulder at the nursery door before he looks back at Ben.

"They are. They're better than they were, and they're getting better every day, every time your father laughs and every time you and Timmy wake up happy. It's getting better." Ben lowers his head before he nods. Castiel pulls him close, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Ben hugs him back, squeezing as tightly as he can.

"Thanks, Cas," he mumbles into his shirt. When Castiel pulls back, he smiles at him.

"No matter what, you can always talk to us. And by us, I mean anyone in this family. We all love you so much, Ben, and you've been so strong. I can't change things right now, but I promise you that these things will change." Ben yawns and nods, rubbing his eye with one hand. Castiel stands, placing one hand on his back as he leads Ben back into he and Timmy's room. Timmy's asleep on the bed opposite Ben's, curled up under the blankets, and Castiel tucks Ben into his own bed, whispering goodnight as he shuts the door.

Dean is behind him with Claire in his arms. She's still asleep. Dean moves forwards, pecking Castiel on the lips and grinning down at the little girl.

"I couldn't put her down. She's just... she's so warm, and so cute. I was thinking- maybe she could sleep with us tonight," Dean says, looking at Castiel eagerly.

"They say that babies shouldn't sleep with the parents, they'll get used to it and never leave." Dean's face falls. "But screw them, one night won't hurt. And she is pretty cute," Castiel says, gently leaning down to press his lips onto her forehead. Dean grins and carefully shifts Claire to one arm, grabbing Castiel's hand with his free one and dragging him to their room.  

It's one of the best sleeps Castiel's ever had.

**October 31, 2009**

Dean loves Halloween. Ever since he and Sam were little and he would go as Superman (because Sam just had to be Batman) Dean fell in love. He feels like on Halloween everything makes sense. People can be as weird as they want without people judging. It's only once a year, but it's enough for Dean.

He's in his Batman costume (suck on that Sam) because he always wears a Batman costume and also because it turns Cas right the fuck on, which is quite the added bonus if Dean says so himself. Dean had expected Danny to want to stay in- he's a popular grade eleven student and all this year- but he's decided he wants to go out with his friends, Chrissy Chambers and two weird guys named Ed and Harry. Dean is of course concerned about his safety, but Cas tells him to let Danny go and have his own fun.

Castiel (clad in a robe with fluffy wings on the back) plans to stay home to hand out the candy, like he usually does.  

It's just after dinner, Danny having gone to Ed's house right after school, and Dean has Timmy, Ben, and Ida running upstairs to get dressed while Castiel picks Claire out of her highchairs after wiping all of the food off of her face. She giggles at him and slaps the side of his face. Dean has been taking her to work with him. He's doing deskwork for Bobby rather than the mechanics, and he works the front desk with her a lot of the time. She's the calmest baby he knows; she hardly ever cries, and she's only had one huge wailing fit in these past months.

Dean reaches out to take the baby, who reaches for his mask, but Dean just shakes his head at her, causing her to laugh.

"You get the candy ready, I'll get this little munchkin dressed," Dean tells Cas. He's up the stairs before Cas can protest, taking Claire to her room to switch her out of a onesie, changing her diaper and sliding on a new onesie before he puts on some warm pants and a jacket. The costume they bought her is a little Chewbacca costume. Dean wanted the Yoda, but there wasn't one big enough for her to fit in with the extra layers. Dean giggles to himself at how cute she looks, and she squeals back at him, running her hands down the fake fur on the front of her costume.

Dean runs into Ida in the hallway, who is a witch, unlike last year when she made Dean do her makeup as a zombie. She's overjoyed at her fake wart and her hat and broom- she only whines when Dean tells her to don a jacket so she doesn't catch cold. When he gets downstairs, Timmy is there in his Einstein costume and Ben is a Jedi master. Castiel is trying to wrestle a jacket onto Ben, who says his robes are enough, and Cas shoots Dean daggers when he agrees with his son. Dean winks at him and Cas rolls his eyes, giving up on the endeavor.

"Strap me in!" Dean says to Cas, holding out the baby holder thing that Cas ties on him because he just can't figure the damned thing out, never could, even with Emma and Ben. Dean is successfully strapped in, a tiny Chewbacca on Batman's chest, with a Jedi warrior next to him while his Einstein brother and witch stepsister nearly foam at the mouth to get out. Kids clad with pillow cases, the five of them leave with Cas waving behind them at the front door, calling out warnings about safety and being careful with the baby until they disappear around the corner.

The three kids run ahead of Dean and go to the front door of the nearest house. He smiles as he watches them ring the doorbell, yelling 'Trick or treat!' as the woman in bunny ears opens it up, grinning at the three of them. Dean looks down at Claire, who's cooing in her jumper.

"How about all this, huh kiddo? They grow up so fast... Ida's in fourth grade. fourth grade! You'll be in fourth grade soon enough too, which is just weird, huh? Danny's graduating next year. It's all just happening so fast," he whispers to her. "Emma would be in grade eleven this year. She would've had so much fun. And you will too, when you're off to school, my little Chewy friend."

"Dad!" Ben exclaims, running back to Dean. "Dad, look what I got! A whole handful!"

"That's great, bud! Onto the next house?" Dean asks them, but it's no use, they're already running. He's stopped on the sidewalk by Iron Man, who's gaping up at him.

"You- you're Batman!" the little boy gasps. His mother smiles sheepishly at Dean, who gets down on one knee.

"You know," he says, voice raspy; the boys eyes grow wide, "being Batman can get exhausting. Stuck in the bat cave with five kids- it gets exhausting. Albert's no help, he's at least two hundred. But you! Iron Man! You're awesome!"

"But- but you're Batman," the kid whispers, looking around like it's some kind of big secret.

"But Iron man is way cooler. Remember that, kid," Dean says, standing and clapping the boy on the shoulder. The mom pulls him close for a moment.

"He needed that. Thank you. I love your Chewbacca," she breathes into his ear before hurrying the young boy down the street. Dean scans the street, finding the kids three houses up from where he left them. He rushes forwards, one hand on Claire's little chest to keep her in place as she squeals when they move forwards. He's at the gate of the house by the time the kids are done.

It's nine when they return home. Claire has been asleep for longer than Dean really knows, and he carried Ida on his shoulders for the last block. She goes straight to bed, and Ben and Timmy stay in the living room with their candy before they move up to go to bed too. Dean has Claire in her crib, and when he comes downstairs, Cas is on the couch, costume still on and at least four candy wrappers surrounding him. Dean jumps in the doorway of the living room, putting his hands on the hips.

"Why hello," Cas laughs as Dean stands before him.

"Guess what?" Dean asks, voice low and gravelly.

"What?" Cas asks, a laugh bursting out of him at the end of the question.

"I'm Batman," Dean says, bounding across the room and throwing himself on top of Cas, both of them rolling off the couch and onto the floor, laughing. The room grows quiet, both dogs asleep and the cats out of the room. Cas leans forwards towards Dean, and Dean says "I can feel the sweat in my asscrack from this costume." Cas pushes Dean off of him in disgust, but Dean can see that he's amused by the comment. He hopes.

"I'm so happy you're mine," Cas tells him, voice thick with sarcasm. Dean rips the mask off, grinning at him.

"A kiss for your hero?" Dean asks. Cas rolls his eyes, but leans forwards and presses their lips together. Dean slides his hand up to Cas's face, pressing against Cas and grinning.

"You're impossible," Cas murmurs.

"Shut up and do me." And with that, the phone rings. "Noooo, let it go."

"It's probably Danny, let me up, he might need me to get him." Dean sighs, but obliges, moving aside and letting Cas get to the phone. "Hello? Oh. Okay. Is Chrissy- okay. Yes, I'll pick you up at noon tomorrow. Love you too. 'night."  

"So he's staying the night?"

"Yeah, something about Rob Zombie, Halloween, and corpses. I'm not sure I want to know," Cas chuckles. Dean moves forwards, wrapping his arms around Cas's waist.

"Rob Zombie, huh? He's a pretty great guy. But guess what?"

"What?" Cas asks, grinning as Dean leads him away from the living room.

"Rob Zombie isn't about to get laid in the next ten minutes."

With that, the two run up the stairs to their room, trying to keep quiet as they move into the bedroom. Dean isn't sure how long it's been since they had sex, especially with the new baby, but what he does know is that it might be the best sex he's ever had.

**June 26, 2011**

Castiel will not cry. It's Danny's graduation day, and he will not cry. Dean is beside him with Ida and Claire, as Lisa took both Ben and Timmy on a surprise trick to Disney World. Well, surprise for them, Dean and Castiel both knew. Now, as Ida sits restlessly beside Castiel, wearing a suit rather than a dress, she takes his hand in her own.  

"It's fine, dad, he's fine. Trust me." Cas laughs as she says this.  

"Of course he is! You know me, just always worrying about the stupid things. It'll be great!"  

When Danny is called to the stage, the four of them jump up and cheer, Claire screaming and smacking her hands together, a grin on her face. She starts talking and asking questions as soon as Danny walks off stage. Castiel, of course, snaps as many pictures as possible.  

…........  

"Dad. Dad, stop fussing. Dad! Seriously, I'm graduated, we've celebrated, stop worrying. It's just one night," Danny says as he slides his feet into his shoes, turning towards Castiel.  

"Will there be drinking?" Castiel demands.  

"Yes."  

"Will you be drinking?"  

"I might have a beer."   

"Underage drinking is illegal."  

"Dean told me what you did in college." Castiel shoots Dean his most menacing glare from across the room. He holds his hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh, before he has to turn to take a stuffed toy from Claire, who is forcing it upon him.  

"Come on, dad. It's really not that bad. I'm an adult, I'm going to college in two months. I'll be fine!"  

"I trust you. And I love you. Come home safe, and call us no matter what, okay?"  

"I will. And I know, dad."  

"Curfew is one in the morning!" Castiel calls as Danny heads out the door.  

"I was just gonna crash at Ed's." Castiel sighs.  

"Fine. But be safe!"  

Danny waves to them as he swings his keys in his fingers, hopping into the shitty pickup truck that he bought with the money he saved from working at Bobby's shop as the receptionist. Dean had always been right- he sucks with cars.  

Danny arrives at Ed's post-graduation party when it's in full swing. Ed's parents, being completely stupid, left for the night and told him that any damage was his fault. Ed is currently in the living room doing belly shots off of Betty Livingston. Danny rolls his eyes at his friend, eyes scanning the room for Chrissy or Harry. He finds Harry making out with someone in the corner, likely already drunk off his eyes, and then spies Chrissy across the room with a small group of people. He wanders over and sits down, smiling at the group.  

"Wheeler! I was wondering when you'd show up!" Chrissy says, grinning at him. She reaches out and runs a hand through Danny's recently cut hair. It had been shoulder length for years, and he finally cut it for grad. Castiel was ecstatic. "Your hair looks great! It's about time you chopped that rat's nest off." Danny rolls his eyes at her before he turns to look at her group of friends.

"Hey," he says simply, not sure of what else to do. He can feel them staring, and it's making his stomach churn. He's wishing he chose to wear a long sleeved shirt or a jacket, rather than a tee and shorts.

"Oh, sorry, Danny this is Aiden, and that's Josephine. They go to Vermillion, and they came here with me instead of going to a party down there." Danny nods, keeping his eyes on the floor.

"So," Aiden says. Danny looks up, and the boy's hands are in the air, making gestures as he speaks. "How are you guys feeling about graduating?"

"That may have been the single most boring sentence I've ever heard," Josephine remarks with a roll of her eyes. Aiden shoots her a glare.

"You try and come up with something better!"

"Wow, this got bad fast. Guys!" Chrissy says. "What the hell?" Danny wants to leave, to go find Ed and laugh while he takes those stupid body shots, he just doesn't want to be here, with these strangers, feeling their eyes all over him, questioning, wondering.

"Can I just ask it?" Aiden says. "I'm gonna ask it."

"Aiden," Chrissy warns, eyes narrowing at him.

"Bro, the fuck is up with the scars?" Aiden asks. Danny's up before he really knows what he's doing. He's angry, he's hurt, he's wondering why the fuck he ever wanted to come out. It's not like his friends actually seem to care anymore.

"Danny! Danny slow down!" he hears Chrissy call, but he doesn't, he won't, he just needs to get out. He's on the front lawn, making his way to the old pickup truck, when Chrissy catches up and grabs hold of his shoulder, flinging him around her face her. "Danny, please, he's a dick but don't go, please stay."

"Why the fuck should I stay?" Danny demands. "So they can laugh and talk behind my back? I'm a fucking freak, Chrissy, and you know it, Ed knows it, fuck, my dad knows it, when he's my fucking uncle! I'm fucked and I'm just- I'm fucking leaving." Danny turns, wrenching his arm away from her and storming off. He expected her to stay behind and watch him go, like in all those movies, but she doesn't, she runs after him, and puts herself between him and the car door. "Just fuck off, Chrissy!"

"I have never been anything but nice to you, Daniel Wheeler! I have always been your friend! Always! When those assholes stared, and when those fuckers whispered, I fucking sat down with you, I talked to you! You never talked back, not fucking once, but I never left! So don't you dare walk out now and think that no one cares!"

"THEY DON'T!" Danny screams at her. "No one does! They say they do, over and over again, but who could care about me? Who could ever want this?" He gestures to the burn marks on his arms, the deep scars that run across his face and chest. "No one wants this!"

"I do!" Chrissy screams back, and her eyes widen. Danny steps back in shock, and Chrissy seems just as surprised at her outburst, before she steps closer to Danny. "I want you. I need you, Danny. You're more than how you look. You're- fuck, you're my best friend. And I want you. I care, and I always will. I'm not going to make you stay, because I know... I understand, about the people staring, wondering. It fucking sucks. But Danny... don't push me away. Not me. Not after all of this." He looks down at her and doesn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, clenching his eyes shut. "I'm sorry. I fucked up, I'm sorry."

"No, hey, no, you didn't. Danny, ever since seventh grade, ever since... since I first met you, I never pitied you. Not once. I want you to know that. I never saw you as broken. You've always been you, and I want you to know... to know how much I've loved you, for this long." Danny's head snaps up as he stares at her. There is fear in her eyes as she stares back, fear of what she said, what he'll say. But he doesn't say anything. He runs his hand along the side her face and presses his lips to hers. She kisses him back, and she laughs into it, breaking apart and still laughing. "It took us so long to get our heads out of our asses." Danny smiles at her.

"Yeah," he says, "It sure did." Chrissy takes his hand in her own.

"I don't want this to change. I don't want us to be any different. This doesn't even need to happen, if you don't want it to, if... if you're not ready. I know you think you've gotten over her, but you never really will. You never get over the people you've lost, not truly. And I understand, if she's still there for you. But I am too, okay? I want to be there too." Danny has never known how Chrissy always knew exactly what to say.

"I... I think I'm ready. To let her go." The words hurt him to say. They've been plaguing him for so long, and he's needed to say them for so long, but he never has, because he was afraid. And now... now he's ready. He didn't know Emma for the longest time. That didn't stop him from loving her. She was his first friend, and she was ripped away violently. Danny has never gotten over her death, not really. Not after his parents. Not after everything. But now he thinks he can.

"Okay. What do you want to do now?" Chrissy asks him, and he isn't sure. He laughs. There's so much they can do, and there's so much time to do it- they have forever, if they want it. And Danny thinks he might.

**August 11, 2013**

Danny is in his third year of college while Timmy is about to go off to it himself in a year, Ben only a year behind, and now all of them are at the auto shop watching Adam and Henriksen's sister, Leah, get married. Sam, of course, flies down with all three kids. Little Vivien was born just three years prior, a year and a half after Claire, and Sam and Jess cherish their little girl just as much as they do their boys.

Adam and Leah have been dating for four years now. No one saw it coming, especially not Dean, but now the two of them say their vows to each other and kiss, Dean clapping Adam on the back. Dean is his best man, and Jo is Leah's maid of honour. The two have been friends for years. Sam smiles from behind Dean, he and Henriksen Adam's groomsmen.  

The reception is at The Roadhouse, and seeing everyone there makes Dean smile the entire night. He has the option of sitting up there with Adam and Leah and all of their loved ones (although Adam's mom can be terrifying) but Dean decides he wants to be with Cas and the kids. Their family takes up an entire table. Dean, Cas, Ben, Timmy, Ida, Claire, and Lisa all sit at the same table. Adam stopped living with Lisa years ago, he and Leah buying their own place, but the two became friends while Adam was in the basement. Everyone has moved on from what Lisa did. It still hurts, but they try to move on, to leave it in the past where it belongs.

Sam is at the table next to them with Jess, Andrew, James, Vivien, Bobby, and Jody, and at the head table sits Adam and Leah with Jo, Kate, Henriksen, and Leah's parents.

The ceremony is beautiful and the reception is wild. The whole family seems happy, and Dean himself is happy, which has finally become a feeling that he knows all too well.

**November 8, 2013**

Ida calls Castiel to her room, of course never getting up to get him herself, always calling down. The house feels so empty now that Danny has gone off to college. Dean had rolled his eyes when Ben revealed that he and his boyfriend, Kyle, are planning on going to the same school. Dean knows it won't last, just like it didn't last with Jennifer in the eighth grade and Billy in ninth and Hunter in tenth. He and Kyle have been together since tenth grade, but Dean is still leery about the boy, unsure if Ben will stay with him and how hurt he'll be if they break up just before leaving for college.

Castiel brushes these thoughts off as he goes upstairs to see Ida, waving at Timmy and Claire, who are in the living room balancing stuffed toys on top of Dean while he sleeps.

"Yes, your majesty?" Castiel asks as he enters her room. She looks up at him, not smiling, her hands wringing in her lap. Castiel hurries forwards, sitting beside her and wrapping his arm around her. "What is it, kiddo?"

"I just want to tell you something, is all," Ida mumbles, voice barely audible. Castiel places his hands on her shoulders and looks into her eyes.

"You can tell me anything you want, and I promise I won't get mad. Whatever it is, we can deal with it. I love you no matter what, you know that."

"I know," Ida says, giving him a small smile, but it vanishes all too soon. "So. I've been looking some things up online." Ida hesitates, and Castiel smiles at her, encouraging her to go on. "And I found this thing that explained something that I think I am." She takes a deep breath, looking down at her feet and then back at Castiel. "They called it... genderfluid, I think."

"When sometimes you're a girl and others you're a boy?" Castiel asks her. Her eyes widen.

"Y-yeah. How did you-?"

"When you kids were young I did research on all kinds of things, and they've only gotten more resourceful over the years. I wanted to be welcoming to you about anything and everything."

"So. You don't care?"

"Of course I care," Castiel says, wrapping his arms around her. "I love you and I'll always care about these things. I care about who you are." She wraps her arms around him and buries her face in his shirt.

"Thank you, dad," she mumbles. He smoothes his hand over her back.

"Anything for you. Now," he says as she sits up. "Do you want a new haircut? New clothes? What pronouns do you want to use?"

"I kind of want to get my hair shorter," she says, running her fingers through the hair that she's grown out all the way down her back. "Cut it to shoulder length, maybe more later. And I like the clothes I have. I think she is okay. Dad?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Why are you so okay with this? Lots of my friends.... their parents would have made them leave."

"I'm not their parents, and neither is Dean. You can be whatever you want and you can change your mind about who you are however many times you want, and we will always accept it, no questions asked."

"What if I want to be a serial killer?" she teases.

"Then I'd say there's an open grave somewhere and we can push a body down there to be buried under the casket."

"Dad!" she exclaims.

"What?" he says, "I watched Dexter!" She laughs and hugs him again.

"Thank you, dad."

"Thank you for telling me. Who else do you want to tell?"

"I don't know. I still want to be she, but some days I might want to be he. Should I tell everyone?"

"It's up to you. I trust your judgment. Whenever you're ready, we'll all be there. All of us. I promise." She stands from the bed and he does too. She goes downstairs with him, where they join Timmy and Claire in covering Dean with toys, giggling wildly. It's a good thing Dean's a heavy sleeper. As they play, all that runs through Castiel's mind is that if he's done anything right in this world, it's raise those kids well.

**September 3, 2018**

It's the day they first met, only nearly three decades in the future, that Dean and Castiel finally wed. The only child left in the house is nine year old Claire, all the rest gone off to do better things, and in 2017 gay marriage was officially made legal in all American states, to the joy of the entire family.

Dean and Castiel waste no time in planning out the ceremony- a simple thing, out back behind Bobby's place at the pond where Emma's ashes are spread. Dean wants it to be as if she's there with them, although she can't be.

Dean's sweating (in his own words) like a whore in church, and he can sense that Sam is trying not to bitchslap him while Dean continuously wipes his hands on his pants, because that suit is expensive, Dean. But Cas is there, and he's all happy and smiley and not worried at all, so Dean isn't worried at all, because they've raised like five kids together so marriage isn't really that much to add, right? Right?

"Dean," Sam whispers, kicking him in the back of the leg.

"Huh, what? Oh, shit." There's laughter from the audience, all standing rather than sitting because it's fucking hard to bring chairs all the way up to the pond, okay? Dean goes beet red before he mumbles "I do" to Castiel, surging forwards when Sam, the bastard, pushes him and pressing his lips against his husband's. There are woots and cheers from everywhere, which is when Dean realizes exactly how huge this family is. With that, the group of people leave the pond to head down to their cars and go to The Roadhouse for the second wedding reception it's held. Leah passes Dean, heavily pregnant with her and Adam's second baby, congratulating him on the marriage, Adam smiling and giving him a thumbs up as he leaves with Leah and their son, William.

Everyone has cleared out but Dean and Sam. Cas takes the kids, and Dean tells him he’ll be right there, that he and Sam will catch up at The Roadhouse. Cas nods in understanding, leaving the brothers by the pond.

"Remember when I told you that a mermaid lived at the bottom of that thing?" Dean asks, grinning at Sam. Sam rolls his eyes.

"Remember when I almost drowned trying to find a mermaid at the bottom of that pond?" Dean lets out  a laugh before quieting down, staring out at the calm body of water.

"It's almost been twelve years now," he mumbles. Sam wraps an arm around his brother's shoulders.

"I know. It's been so long..." Sam trails off. Some days, it feels like Dean and Cas are still twenty, spending their time blushing like teenagers at an old diner. Other days, Dean looks at Cas and sees the grey, sees the bags under his eyes and the crow's feet to match. He sees how his hair will be completely grey in the next year, and he can feel it in his bones that he's getting older and there's no stopping it. And most days, he sees how much he's aged, but that his daughter will never age another day.

Not that she was actually his daughter. Dean's kept in touch with Gavin over the years. They've talked, shared stories, laughed and fallen into silences, one a father to a child that was never his and one who will never know one of his children.

But twelve years is a lifetime. Twelve years is how old Emma was when she died. It's been twelve years, and some days Dean feels like the pain hasn't even begun to recede, though he knows it has.

"I'm supposed to be happy today," Dean says to Sam. His brother turns to look at him. "I'm supposed to be happy, with the love of my life and our kids, and I'm supposed to be excited, but- but I'm just sad. I got married for the second time today, Sam, and Emma- she won't even be able to get married once." Sam's eyes soften.

"It's not your fault, Dean."

"I know that. It was no one's fault. That doesn’t mean that I can't miss her." With that, the two fall into a silence, staring out over the pond and listening to the birds and bugs chirp around them. After a few more minutes, they leave, going to meet up with the rest of the family for the reception.

It's a crazy night, full of Winchesters and Novaks and everything in between. Lucifer, Balthazar, Gabriel, Anna, Maria, Sam, Adam- there are too many people to keep track of. Everyone is drinking and congratulating and hugging and crying- Bobby, Jody, Ellen, everyone Dean loves is there. Everyone Dean wants to see. Jo hangs out with him for a while, commenting how she should've tapped it sooner, and Dean laughs. She hasn't settled down. He doesn't think she ever will. Ellen is getting too old to run The Roadhouse and is retiring soon; Jo will take over that. It will fit her well.

It's the end of the night, everyone has gone home, and Dean curls up next to Cas in their bed, and as they lay together to go to sleep, he doesn't feel guilty about how happy he feels. He thinks about his kids, all of them, all six, and he thinks about how well he's raised them and how they'll go on to do such great things. And now that he's married, everything feels complete.

**January 29, 2020**

Danny and Chrissy, married three years prior, have their first child. Dean cries when they place her in his arms, and tell him her name is Emma.

**July 12, 2023**

Ben, after dumping Kyle, dating Jenny, Jenny dumping him, having a fling with Amy, and, finally, getting engaged to Christopher, is getting married. Lisa cries. Dean refuses to admit that he cries. Castiel makes fun of Dean for crying for about two weeks. It's a beautiful ceremony, and Christopher is exactly the man that Dean wants for his son. He'll have a good life with this man.

**October 9, 2023**

Timmy marries a lovely young lady named Bethany. They met when she moved to America from Japan; Timmy was her tour guide in New York City, and they fell for each other instantly. Timmy moved out to New York when he was twenty one and has loved it since. Now, he and Bethany are smiling at each other and excited to start their new lives. Dean is more excited than he can see that his son is finally happy.

**November 3, 2023**

Castiel gets a call from the hospital. Maria has been rushed in with severe pneumonia, and it doesn't look good. Castiel, Dean, and Claire are immediately in the car and on their way to Vermillion. Castiel calls all of the kids, but most of them live too far away now to possibly come. He calls Gabriel and Anna, who have both already been informed and are on their way. When the three reach the hospital, Castiel is in panic mode, so Dean steps up to the desk.

"Hello, we're looking for Maria Novak," Dean tells the woman. Why his mother never changed her last name, Castiel... he realizes in that moment that he actually may never know. And that isn't good enough for him. Claire pulls him close to her, hugging him tightly.

"One moment, sir," the nurse says, and types on the computer. She looks back up, and Castiel knows the look. He's seen it too many times. "I'm terribly sorry," she tells them. "But this record says that Maria Novak's room has been cleared, and that she passed twenty minutes ago." Castiel nods his head. He nods it again and again and again. He can't stop nodding it. His throat feels thick, clogged. He squeezes his eyes shut, just nodding his head.  

"Dad?" Claire asks.  

"Claire, honey, go and sit on those chairs, okay?" Dean says to her. "Your dad and I will be right back, all right?" Castiel feels Dean take his hand and lead him away. When he opens his eyes, they're in a back hallway, and no one is around. Castiel feels like he can't breathe. He hasn't felt this way in almost twenty years, and it scares the shit out of him.

"Dean-" he gasps. "She's just gone."

"Come here," Dean says, wrapping Castiel tightly in his arms and swaying them back and forth. Castiel sobs into his shoulder.

"I'm not ready," he says, "I'm not ready for her to be gone, I'm not."

"I'm not either. But she is, Cas." Castiel goes quiet, just letting Dean hold him, run his fingers down his spine, through his hair. Soon enough, breathing is easier, and he knows he'll be alright.

"Thank you," Castiel breathes.

"For what?" Dean asks.

"For knowing what to do."

They move back down the hallway and to the room where they left Claire, finding Gabriel, Kali, Veronica, and Anna all with their daughter.

"Cas," Gabriel says, standing and going to his brother, wrapping him in a tight hug. Anna joins them, the three of them holding each other.

"It'll be okay," Anna whispers, and when she pulls away, Castiel can see tears streaking her face as well as Gabriel's.

"Yes," he finally says. "We'll all be okay."  

**February 13, 2024**

Ida and her boyfriend, David, have twin children, naming them Maria and Michelle. Castiel cries for days about that.

**April 16, 2025**

Dean gets a call from Jody- she tells him that Bobby is very ill, and is asking for both Dean and Sam. Dean knows Sam can't get out there, but he heads over immediately, telling Ben to watch the shop while he goes. He bought the shop from Bobby a number of years back, and the old man retired grudgingly.

Now, Bobby's 80, old, and, as Dean was told a few months back, dying. As he drives the Impala he knows the end is near. If Bobby's asking for Sam, he's certain of it. On the way there, Dean pulls out his cell and calls his brother.

"Sam Winchester, how may I help you?" Sam answers.

"Sammy, it's just getting sad now. It's 2025 and you still can't answer the phone any other way."

"Stop pestering me, Dean, this is my work cell. What do you want?"

"Bobby's dying." Sam is quiet for a moment.

"I know that," he says quietly.

"No, Sam," Dean says, blowing a loud breath out through his nose. "He's going to be gone soon. He asked for both of us." More silence fills the other end.

"I'm in California, Dean, I- I have to go to court for the next week, I can't-"

"I know, Sam. I just wanted to call and tell you."  

"I wish there was something I could do, but-"

"It's okay, Sammy. How about I call you back when I get there, and you can talk to him?"

"Okay. Dean, I'm sorry, I wish-"

"Stop apologizing. He's old, always has been. Everything will work out. I'll call you soon." Dean hangs up the phone, tossing it onto the passenger seat as he leaves the back road to make his way to Bobby and Jody's. Jody opens the door and hugs him as soon as he gets there.

"It's been too long, young man," she mumbles into his shoulder. Dean squeezes her tightly.

"I know. I need to come by more often," he says, backing away from her and giving her a small smile.

"He's in the bedroom," Jody tells him, leading him out of the front hall and past a lifetime of pictures lining the walls. Dean always considered Jody and Bobby his kid's grandparents, all of them calling them grandma and grandpa, and although they know about Mary and John and that history, the kids really love them.

"Have enough pictures?" Dean jokes. Jody holds the door open for him, bringing him in and sitting him down next to Bobby, who looks exhausted.

"Bobby? Dean's here to see you," Jody says, lightly placing her hand on top of her husband's. Bobby startles, eyes opening wide and frantic. He locks in on Dean's face and a grin cracks on his lips.

"Dean. My boy," Bobby says, reaching a hand out. Dean can feel his heart breaking when Bobby calls him his boy. He's not in blood, but family don't end in blood if Bobby has anything to say about it. Dean takes it in both of his, leaning towards Bobby and smiling. Jody quietly leaves the room, giving them a moment together.

"What do you think you're doing calling me out of work?" Dean asks teasingly. Bobby raises his other hand in a manner to shoo Dean.

"What's a few minutes with a dying old man in your lazy schedule?" Bobby asks. His words are heavy and slow, coming out like molasses.

"Lazy? I'm picking up your slack, thank you very much." Bobby chuckles at that, but it soon turns into a cough. He lays back on the bed, breathing laboured.

"Where's Sam?" Bobby asks. Dean's heart lurches.

"Stuck in California for the next week, the ass. Guess that means you'll have to hang on a little longer, huh?"

"I don't think I can, Dean," Bobby whispers. Those are the words that scare him the most; Bobby is strong, and he's always known it, but seeing him like this terrifies Dean.

"Well, here, let me at least call the sasquatch, just in case," Dean says, speaking past the lump in his throat. He puts the phone on speaker, Bobby smiling as it rings.

"Dean?" Sam answers.

"Finally! A proper greeting!" Dean exclaims.

"Is Bobby there?" Sam asks.

"Right here, idjit," Bobby replies. Dean moves the phone closer to his mouth so Sam can hear him better.

"Hey, Bobby. I... The kids are all either moved out or in school, so I can't grab them. I'm sorry."

"Don't be ridiculous. Can't- can't have 'em missin' out on an education 'cause of an old man," Bobby rasps. Sam chuckles.

"One minute," he says, and Dean can hear murmured voices in the background. "I'm so sorry, Bobby, the trial starts in five minu-"

"Don't you go apologizin' for being successful," Bobby huffs. "You're a good boy, Sam. A- a real good boy. I'm proud of you, y'know. Of those kids. I love you, boy." Dean wipes a hand across his eye quickly, hoping Bobby doesn't see.

"Bobby-" Sam says, voice thick.

"Don't get all sappy on me. Go to your trial."

"I love you too, Bobby. I'll- I'll see you soon, okay?" Sam tells him frantically.

"I sure hope so," Bobby says. Sam hangs up and Dean closes his phone, letting out a loud breath. Looking over at Bobby, he sees that his face (if possible) has paled even more.

"Bobby?" Dean asks. His breathing has quickened, and his eyes are wide.

"I'm- proud of you too, Dean. You- you raised them kids right. You did good. So- proud," Bobby tells him, hand shaking in Dean's own.

"Bobby, don't do this. Please," Dean begs.

"So. Proud of you," Bobby tells him, a smile on his lips as his breaths come quicker and quicker. In what may have been a second, they stop. Bobby's hand stills in his own, and a quiet breath leaves his lips as he shuts his eyes for the last time. Dean is shaking, silent tears streaming down his face. He sucks in a gasping breath, hand still clutching Bobby's, and leans forwards, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Dean sits back, wiping at his eyes, but he can't stop crying. He hears the door open, and Jody is at his side, wrapping him in her arms as they both cry.

Dean clings to her without knowing. He needs her as much as she needs him in this moment, and Dean doesn't want it any other way.

He's still clutching Bobby's hand.

**May 19, 2026**

Gordon Novak is found dead in his cell on the morning of May 19, 2026. No one mourns him.

**March 31, 2029**

Dean and Castiel have been living alone for almost two years now. It's been strange, not having screaming kids everywhere, but they're enjoying themselves. It's at the end of March when Castiel gets the cold. He starts coughing and hacking and Dean's there, taking his temperature and making sure he's all right. Castiel is terrified, especially after his mother died on pneumonia. He doesn't want it, and Dean knows it.  

When, after two weeks, the cough doesn't fade, they go into the doctor's office. He takes blood tests, and they all come back clear. He wants a chest scan, just to be sure.

Castiel gets a call from the doctor, and he tells him that he needs to see him in his office as soon as possible, which is when Castiel starts to worry. He tells Dean, and the two of them are in the office immediately.

When they get there, the doctor sits them down in the chairs opposite of him. "Mr. Novak, when I had you in my office last, you mentioned coughing, wheezing, and shortness of breath, correct?"

"Yes," Castiel tells him, gripping Dean's hand tightly.

"Have you experienced weight loss, Mr. Novak? Joint pain?"  

"Y-yes and yes," Castiel informs him, swallowing hard. The doctor closes the file in front of him, clasping his hands together and leaning forwards.

"Mr. Novak, judging by the scans we received from you, we would like to perform a proper biopsy to confirm or deny our suspicions."

"What suspicions?" Dean demands.

"Large-Cell lung Carcinoma."

"English, doc," Dean tells him, impatient.

"Lung cancer," Castiel whispers. Dean stills beside him.

"What the hell do you mean lung cancer? Cas hasn't smoked a day in his life!" Dean yells, standing from his chair. Castiel grabs his arm and pulls him back into the chair.

"We can't currently confirm or deny. Mr. Novak, with your permission, I would like to take the biopsy sample today so we can process it as soon as possible."

"Of course, doctor," Castiel says, rising as the doctor does. Dean looks panicked, wrapping his hand in Castiel's.

"But he'll be okay, right? Right?" Dean asks, eyes wide. Castiel squeezes his hand.

"This way, sir," the doctor says, gesturing to the door.

…........

Everything has been tense since the biopsy. Both of them have been tiptoeing around the subject, and now that the results are in, Dean is tense and anxious. Castiel feels... calm. Surprisingly calm. As they drive, Dean's knuckles are white as he grips the wheel and Castiel's hands lay in his lap.

"There's something I haven't told you," Castiel says. Dean's head snaps to the side to look at him before he focuses back on the road.

"Get on with it," Dean breathes.

"I haven't been going for runs for months. It hurts my lungs to do it, and I've just been getting up early and doing plans. I thought... I thought I was just getting old. I'm sorry, I should have said something sooner." His face is neutral as he speaks and his voice monotone. He can't seem to find any emotion. When he glances at Dean, he can see his forehead creased and his nostrils flaring.

"It’s fine, it's okay. We don't even know how bad it is, or even that you have... it. We'll just wait and see, right?" Dean asks desperately, looking from Cas to the front window and back. Castiel nods, not trusting his voice.

The rest of the ride is quiet, as is the trip into the hospital until the two are called into the doctor's office.  

"Please, take a seat," he says, and they do. Dean is fidgeting next to him, and Castiel automatically reaches his hand over and places it in Dean's own, squeezing it tightly. The doctor reads through his files before he looks up. Castiel can't read his expression. "As you know, the biopsy results have come in. Mr. Novak, I'm sorry to say-" Dean stands up abruptly and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. The doctor seems shocked by the reaction, but Castiel ignores him.

"Please go on," he says robotically.

"Yes. As I was saying. I'm sorry to say, Mr. Novak, but the biopsy has shown that the tumors we saw in your lungs are, in fact, malignant. It's been shown that you have stage four large-cell lung Carcinoma, and it has spread to your lymph nodes." Castiel is very still.

"What are the options for fixing this?" he asks. The doctor sighs.

"How bad is the extent of your-" Castiel interrupts him, coughing violently into his arm. The doctor has regained a neutral face once more when Castiel looks up.

"I can't run anymore. My chest hurts, the cough is getting worse."

"How often do you have difficulty breathing?"

"All the time," Castiel whispers, afraid to say it any louder in case it jinxes something more than it's already been jinxed.

"From what we've seen in our tests... Mr. Novak, your cancer is terminal." Castiel nods stiffly.  

"How long do I have?"

"Our estimations show perhaps another ten months."

"What are the treatment options?"

"There is a surgery we can perform on your lungs to partially remove one of them that has the largest tumor after a few rounds of chemotherapy, but the surgery is risky when you're this far along."

"How long would it extend my life?"

"Only a few months."

"And chemotherapy just on it's own- how much would that extend it?"

"Not very long."  

"I see."

"We can get you on a treatment plan, starting immediately, to try and lessen the tumor. Depending on how quickly it shrinks, the surgery would be the best option, we could give you another year, year and a half." Castiel nods slowly. "I should tell you, Mr. Novak, this will not be an easy transition. As your lungs fail and breathing becomes harder, we will need to provide you with oxygen, as you will not be able to take in enough for your body."  

"I understand. And I'll need this regardless of chemotherapy?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"I don't want to go through with a treatment plan."

"Mr. Novak, it's highly suggested that-"

"I don't want to go through with a treatment plan, doctor, and you won't change my mind."  

"I would advise you to think on this, Mr. Novak, and if you change your mind, you know where to call. I firmly believe that these treatment plans will aid you in giving you a little extra time. If you so choose not to follow through with treatment plans, I would like for you to make monthly appointments with my office so we can perform tests and monitor your lungs to know where to further go with your treatment." Castiel nods for what feels like the hundredth time before he rises, shaking the doctor's hand.

"I'll speak with the hospital about further appointments," Castiel says, and leaves the office. His mind is numb, his body is numb- he feels like he's nothing. When he closes the door, he sees Dean sitting against the far wall, knees spread apart with his elbows resting on them, head in his hands. Castiel walks forwards and sits down beside him, releasing a long breath.

"I'm not ready for this."

"For better or for worse, right?"

"God dammit, Cas! Take this seriously! You- I can't- fuck, Cas!"

"Ten months," Castiel tells him.

"What?" Dean snaps, head flashing up.

"The doctor, he gave me ten months. The cancer is terminal." Dean sits very still for a few moments, his expression unreadable.

"Okay. Okay. What are the treatments, what can we do, what can- how do we stop this?"

"We don't."

"There has to be a way! There has to be!"

"There isn't, Dean! There is nothing that they can do that doesn't have a chance of making all of this even worse!"

"Well we have to try!" Dean shouts, standing up. Castiel stands with him.

"We?" he demands. "We? What makes you think this is your decision?"  

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were my husband, Cas! I thought I had a say in whether you fucking kill yourself or not!"

"Sirs!" a nurse says, coming towards them. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave the hospital if you can't calm down." Dean runs his hands down his face, turning around with one hand on his temple.  

"We'll lower our voices. I apologize," Castiel croaks, coughing as the nurse leaves, sitting down and wrapping one arm around him middle. Dean is beside him in an instant, his hand hovering above his back.

"What can I do? Tell me what to do," Dean whispers. Castiel wipes a hand across his mouth, taking deep, rasping breaths.

"Support my choices. Let me live what time I have left relatively pain free. The chemo, the surgery- all of it will add months, yes, but how many months will I spend suffering through it? The cancer- it's spread, Dean, there's no hope. I'll be hurting. God, I'll be hurting. But Dean- I can't live through the chemo. I know it. I'm not strong enough."

"Not strong enough my ass," Dean tells him. "You're the strongest man I know. You can fight through the chemo and stay with me a little longer, I know it."

"Dean-"

"For me, Cas. Please. I can’t live without you." Castiel gives him a watery smile, reaching his hand out and gently pressing it against Dean's face, who leans into it, eyes squeezed shut.

"You can live without me, and you will. You'll have to. I can't do this for you. I love you more than you'll ever comprehend, but I need to do this for myself. I can't fight this- I don't want to. Haven't I done enough fighting? Don't I deserve a break?" Castiel asks, smiling at Dean with no joy.

"I don't know what to say," Dean whispers. Castiel leans forwards, pressing his lips gently to Dean's.

"I don't need you to say anything. I just need you to accept this. I need you to understand my decision, and support it." Dean nods.

"Can we just go home?" he asks.  

"Of course. We... we need to call the kids, after all." Dean cranes his neck out, closing his eyes before he nods, and making his way to the elevator, not letting go of Castiel's hand.

During the car ride, their hands are still entwined. Ben never left Sioux Falls; his mother moved out of the house Emma was raised in as soon as Ben left for college, and as soon as Ben returned he moved into the house, working as a mechanic with Dean.

They drive into the familiar lot and get out of the car, stepping onto the gravel and watching as their granddaughter runs from the house, a smile plastered on her face. She runs right for Dean, who automatically scoops her up into her arms.

"Papa!" she screams joyfully, Dean tickling her and moving her onto his shoulders. Castiel smiles from beside him, leaning up against the side of the Impala.

"There's my little Cody!" Dean says, and she laughs at him. Ben appears from the garage, concern flashing across his face. Christopher comes down from the back stairs, smiling at the two of them. They adopted Cody three years prior when the girl was three, and now she's a happy and healthy six year old. Dean and Castiel love her as much as any of their other grandchildren.

"Hey, dad," Ben says to Dean, and nods at Castiel. He looks over at Cody. "Hey, sweetie! How about we all go inside, and while your grandpa's and us talk, you go on upstairs and make them each a nice drawing? How does that sound?" Cody is so excited she nearly falls off of Dean's shoulders as the five of them head inside.

…........

"How long do you have?" Ben asks, hands clasped together in his lap. He won't look at Castiel.

"Ten months," Castile tells him. Ben sucks in a sharp breath, Christopher raising his hand to his mouth. Dean's hands are clasped together tightly.

"Is there anything-"

"No," Castiel tells him. "My mind's made up. I'm going to enjoy these last few months, live them to the fullest, as they say." Ben covers his eyes with his hands, and Castiel sees him wipe a few tears away.

"Okay," Ben rasps. "Just. We need to see you more, alright? We see this knucklehead near every day, but... just come by more, alright?" Castiel smiles at him.

"Of course, Ben."

They spend three hours with Cody, Ben, and Christopher. When they get back in the car, Castiel begins to cry. Dean holds him in the front bench of the Impala, running his fingers through his hair and telling him it will be fine, although both of them know it's a lie.

…........

When they get home they call Timmy in New York. Telling him over the phone isn't something Castiel wants to do, but he Timmy deserves to know as soon as possible. Timmy has two kids with Bethany, and Castiel has only met one of them. He knows that one of the things he and Dean will do is visit the family and see those kids. When Castiel hangs up from speaking with Timmy, he doesn't want to call Claire. Her reaction is much the same as Timmy's. She wants to leave school, come look after him, make sure everything is alright. But she doesn't, he makes sure she stays put, and promises to visit the next weekend.

"This can't be real," Dean says when Castiel hangs up the phone for the second time. Castiel shakes his head.

"I wish it wasn't." He calls Anna, who lives over an hour away, and gives her the news. She doesn't take it well, sobbing into the phone and saying she'll be there in an hour and a half. Castiel doesn't try to stop her, just tells her they won't be home. She insists on coming up, and Castiel thanks her for it.

After he hangs up gthe phone for the final time, they get back in the Impala and drive to Danny's house.

"Dad! Hey, what are you doing here?" Danny asks, stepping back and ushering the two in, a toddler on his hip. Castiel can hear Emma and her brothers in the living room, screaming and bouncing and doing God knows what. Danny is a stay at home dad, looking after the kids while Chrissy works as a prosecutor for Sioux Falls.

"Danny, I need you to come and sit down with me for a minute." Danny's face takes on an expression of confusion. He looks at Dean, and, seeing how drained he looks, instantly knows something is wrong.

"Give Dylan to Dean, he'll watch the kids. You come into the kitchen with me," Castiel says. Danny does as told, handing the two year old to Dean and following Castiel to the kitchen, while Dean goes to the living room to watch Emma, Theodore, Kieran, and Dylan.

"Dad, you're scaring me," Danny says, sitting down across from Castiel. He sighs.

"I'm not sure how to tell you this," Castiel says quietly. Danny crosses his arms over his chest. "We just got back from the doctor and... Danny, I'm so sorry."

"What is it?" Danny demands.

"I have cancer." Danny stills.

"How bad?" he breathes.

"Stage four lung cancer." Danny nods his head, completely silent as he stares at the ground.

"How long do you have?" the words are barely audible.

"Ten months." Danny sucks in a breath like he's been punched.

"Ten months?" he rasps.

"I'm sorry, Danny."

"No, no," Danny says, wiping at his eyes. "Don't be sorry, it's not your fault, it's not anybody's fault. Just. Dylan won't even remember you, and I'll start to forget, and... What are we supposed to do when you're gone?" he asks, looking up at Castiel, tears spilling over. Castiel rises, going to his son and wrapping him in his arms. They both stand, clutching at each other silently, the only sound sniffling as Danny tries to control himself.

"I love you, Danny. So much. And it'll all be okay, I promise."

"It won't be," Danny tells him. "Because you'll be gone."

…........

Gabriel and Ida don't take the news well. When Castiel returns home with Dean, Anna is there, in his arms immediately and not planning on letting go anytime soon.

That night as Dean and Castiel lay in bed, Dean won't let Castiel go. He's holding him tightly, moving his hands all over Castiel's body.

"Why are you doing that?" Castiel whispers into the dark. Dean stills for a moment.

"I just need to know that you're real. That you're here."

"I love you."

"I know." Castiel laughs.

"Don't Han Solo me, Dean Winchester."

"I love you more than my own life," Dean says, the words barely audible. Castiel turns in the bed to face him.

"I'm not trying to die faster. I want you to know that. I just want to die on my own terms, not out of my mind in chemo pain."

"Can we talk about this later?" Dean murmurs.

"Of course," Castiel whispers, pressing a kiss to his lips before he closes his eyes, hoping to get even the smallest amount of sleep.

**June 29, 2029**

Castiel works until the end of the school year. Dean encourages him to take the time off and do things he always wanted to, but Castiel tells him this is the last chance he has to do what he loves, and he wants to follow his career through. The school is aware of his condition. Castiel is allowed to retire early, and he does so during the last summer he may ever see.

Claire stays at school through the summer, remaining in Kansas City for her job, though she wants to come home and be with Castiel. He refuses to let his cancer ruin his daughter's summer. Besides, he and Dean won't be home for most of the summer themselves.

They leave the day after school ends. The first stop is New York; Castiel always wanted to visit. Even after Timmy moved, they didn't have the time to visit him. But they're in New York now, surprising Timmy by being on his city tour. When he spots them, he freezes before a grin lights up his face and he runs forwards to wrap them in a hug. The others on the tour cheer, and Castiel couldn't be happier.

After two days in New York, they wind around the country, staying in cheap motels and visiting strange landmarks, like the biggest ball of twine and some weird giant duck. They stop in to see Sam, staying in California for a solid week, making their way along the coastline before they eventually end up in front of the Grand Canyon after doubling back.  

They stand in front of the gorge, hands intertwined, silence all around them.

"It's really quiet up here," Dean says, making Castiel jump.

"Not anymore," Castiel jokes, wrapping his arm around his husband's shoulders.

"I always wanted to come here," Dean confesses.

"Me too," Castiel replies. They lapse into another spell of silence.

"The summer's almost over," Dean says.

"Yes."

"I'll have to go back to work when we get back- can't expect Ben to-" Dean is interrupted by Castiel coughing, removing his arm from Dean's shoulder as he doubles over, Dean rubbing his back, knowing there isn't anything he can do. When Castiel stands, his hand and arm are covered in speckles of blood. Dean hands him the handkerchief he's been keeping in his pocket since this began, Castiel taking it and dabbing his mouth before he wipes his arm. Castiel won't look at him. "I'm not afraid to look after you, Cas. I don't mind. You did it for me, for months and months. I'll always be here to help you."

"You don't need to stay, Dean," Castiel tells him. Dean glares at him.

"We're not going through this again. I love you, for better or for worse. I'll always be here, Cas," Dean tells him softly, grabbin ghis face and pulling it towards his.  

"Always," Dean breathes, pressing their foreheads together. "I'll never leave you."

**February 2, 2030**

Castiel has been using the oxygen tank for some time now. He hasn't been able to get out of bed for the past week, but he refuses to go to the hospital. He says it won't help him. Dean grows more and more concerned by the day as Castiel grows weaker and weaker.

On the morning of February second, Castiel asks Dean if he can call Anna and Gabriel, and ask them to stop by if they can. They do. And so does Claire, Danny, Ida, Ben- Timmy Skypes from New York. They all have a wonderful day together in Dean and Castiel's bed.

That night, Anna is the last to leave. She kisses Castiel on the top of the head, and tells him to get some rest. Castiel gives her a weak smile, and lays down. As soon as Dean has seen Anna out the door, he's back upstairs, laying down beside Castiel and wrapping him in his arms, Castiel curling against his side.

"You're so handsome," Castiel grinds out, his voice nearly gone. Dean chuckles.

"Says my smoking hot husband," he shoots back. Castiel lets out a rasping laugh before coughing.

"I love you," he says.

"Stop that," Dean whispers.

"Stop... what?"

"Don't you dare say goodbye," Dean breathes. "Not to me. Not yet."

"Dean..."

"You aren't going anywhere. Not yet." Castiel nods, and when he smiles, Dean knows it's not his smile. His eyes are dull, lifeless, and the oxygen tubes in his nose just aren't cutting it anymore as he struggles with each breath.

"Good... night, Dean," Castiel tells him, reaching a hand up to cup Dean's cheek. Dean leans into his hand, pressing a kiss to each knuckle before he kisses Castiel's lips and his forehead. He can tell Castiel is asleep when he pulls back from his face. Dean squeezes him to his body.

"Goodnight, Cas," he whispers, though he knows Castiel can't hear him.

…........

Dean isn't woken in the night by coughing. He doesn't have to get up to help Castiel untangle his wires, and he doesn't have to help him to the bathroom. When he is awake, though, he realizes how late he's slept. He stretches out, groaning when he feels his back pop.

"Morning, Cas," he says, smiling as he looks over to Castiel's side of the bed. His smile is gone immediately. Castiel's chest is still, his face pale, much, much too pale. "Cas?" Dean asks. His heart is thundering in his chest. He throws the covers back from their body, his hands shaking as he shifts to his hands and knees, pressing his fingers against Castiel's throat. His body is cold, and Dean feels no pulse. His chest is tight, his throat constricted; he can't breathe, he can't think. "Cas?" he asks, and his voice breaks. He lets out a rasping sob as he moves his arms around Castiel's body, hugging him and pressing another kiss to his forehead. "Cas. My Cas." He sits back on the bed, taking in shuddering breath after shuddering breath. He moves from the bed, and ends up on the floor with his back against the wall.

"I'm not ready," he whispers. "I'm not ready."

….......

The funeral is crazy. After Ellen retired from the Roadhouse, Jo took over. When Ellen died, her funeral was held at the Roadhouse. And so is Castiel's reception. Dean has the ashes in an urn, and he plans on spreading them. Just not yet. Everyone comes to the funeral- from Balthazar to Lucifer to Samandriel. Dean can't believe how many people show up- students, friends, family- just countless people pouring into the Roadhouse. It was a private ceremony with family at the church, but the reception is open to everyone.

By the end of it, Dean's cried his heart out and hugged more people than he knew he knew. Now, as he sits at a table in the Roadhouse, Jody, Gabriel, Anna, Sam, Jo, and he and Cas's five children, he doesn't know what to do. His husband is dead. What is he supposed to do?  

"Dad?" Ben asks, placing his hand on Dean's arm. Dean reaches out and grabs it, squeezing tightly.

"It's fine. I'm fine. It's been coming for a while, it's okay," Dean tells him, smiling briefly.

"We're all here for you, Dean," Sam informs him. Dean nods.

"I know. Thank you all," he says, flashing yet another smile. Eventually, everyone goes home, Sam coming back to Dean and Cas's house until he leaves the next day.

When he does, Dean is alone again. He takes Cas's urn and he heads for Ben's house, the house he raised his three kids in with Lisa and the house that Bobby would accept him into when he was young. He walks past the house and manages to make his way through the snow until he's at the pond. He sits down on the bench that he and Ben built a couple of years back, the urn in his freezing hands.

"So," Dean says. "You're gone. And. I don't want to just... look at this thing. I mean. It wouldn't feel right. There's all this shit you can do with ashes now, like trees and coral reefs and space and shit, but... I think I'd like to just visit you, and not a tree or a piece of coral or whatever. You know speeches aren’t my thing. Cas... Fuck, Cas, you're just gone... Just. I thought it would be nice if... if I could come and Emma at the same time. I think... I think having you guys together would be nice, y'know? Well... I guess I should... get on with it."  

Dean stands, opening the urn and reaching his hand inside. He walks all around the pond, carefully spreading the ashes in the snow and on the ice that covers the pond. He tries not to leave the ashes in thick patches so that when the snow melts Cas will go into the ground and help the plants grow.

Dean thinks he would have liked that.

**March 23, 2057**

When Dean opens his eyes, he’s sitting on a dock, a fishing pole in hand.  

“Dad?” Emma asks, shifting in her chair beside Dean as he glances beside himself.  

“Em?” he questions back, turning in his chair calmly, slowly- this is so… strange. He wants to scream and freak out- his daughter is next to him- but he… doesn’t need to. He knows, somehow, that this is right. A huge grin spreads over his daughter’s face.  

“Hey, dad. I guess you like this one too, huh?” she asks, turning to the lake and beginning to reel in her line.  

“What one? Where are we?” Dean replies, shifting in his chair and looking around. All he sees is his favourite lake, a small rocky beach and a dock out behind them, his Baby parked in a small field beside a picnic table. Across the lake there is a tiny island with trees dotting it.  

“Dad, we’re in Heaven.” Dean looks at her, incredulous. She says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Perhaps it is.  

“Heaven? It’s real?”  

“Of course it is. It’s where I’ve been the past fifty years, dad. It’s a great place. I like it here, but I missed you, so when I heard what happened…” she shrugs. “I just thought I’d wait until you showed up.” Dean reaches across from his chair, pressing a gentle palm onto Emma’s face. She smiles sadly at him.  

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” he breathes. She shakes her head at him.  

“Don’t be. It’s okay. It really is. I like it here. I visit mom sometimes too. She’s always happy to see me.”  

“You should’ve had more time,” Dean whispers.  

“No. It was meant to be. At first, I was angry. But now I can see. It’s okay, dad. I promise. Can we just fish for now?” Emma asks, gesturing back out to the lake. Dean nods.  

“Of course, baby. Of course.”  

They sit in a companionable silence, neither of them really focusing on anything, just enjoying the peace and shooting small glances at each other, grinning when their eyes meet. Dean has a million questions, but after not seeing his eldest in fifty years, this is all he really wants. All he thinks he wants.  

Until there’s a voice behind him.  

“Hello, Dean,” it says softly. Dean doesn’t even need to turn to know who it is. He doesn’t need to turn to know what he’s wearing, or how young he is, or even to know that they both missed each other an equal amount in the last twenty-seven years.   

But he turns.  

And he sees.  

A smile graces his lips as he speaks to him for the first time in a long time. And he knows, as he begins to speak, that everything leading to this moment, everything in life he has experienced- all of it, every second, has been worth it.  

“Hey, Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It's done- /done/ done. I can't believe it.
> 
> Just a quick note on Heaven-
> 
> In my version of Heaven, a person can be as old or as young as they choose. I imagine Emma as picking an older version of herself to be, but when meeting Dean for the first time, she goes back to how Dean would have known her. Cas chooses to be young as well- perhaps mid thirties. Dean, too, appears in heaven in his mid-thirties.
> 
> Thank you all so much for sticking through this, presently or in the future. You're all amazing.
> 
> **How I could I forget this? A HUGE thank you to Nikki and Tara for listening to my rambling, and Tara for editing the last part of the epilogue that I stressed so much about! You guys keep me sane!


	28. First Timestamp

**2063**

Dean smiles up at Cas, lying on his back in the grass and stretching out, back popping as he does so. Cas chuckles, shaking his head and turning away to face the lake. That same lake that Dean had visited when he was young, Bobby taking him out to go fishing. That same lake that he had forgotten all about until he came to Heaven. Now it’s his favourite place to visit. Now it’s like a second home.

“Hey Cas?” Dean asks. Cas turned back, raising his eyebrow. “We’re happy, right?” Cas smiles, leaning down and pressing his lips against Dean’s.

“I’d say that we’re very happy,” he says, taking Dean’s hand and shuffling so his back is against the trunk of the tree. They sit in peace, in harmony; and Cas is right. The two of them have found happiness in the place that they least expected it. 

And they have all of eternity to cherish it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short little timestamp that came to mind a few days back.


End file.
